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Adrika
I missed you. Those three words did not feel like enough. How could I describe my true feelings when I had never felt like this before? What I felt for my husband in that moment . . . well, it almost felt like love. But how was I to know for sure?
My desires for Rian and our future together only progressed this far because we were in Aisling. The more I was around his family, the more I wanted what they had. I had never experienced this type of freedom before. I wanted to savor every moment of these last few weeks. What if it all ended as soon as we were back in Dermot? I tried not thinking about it.
Early the next morning, we left everything behind on the island as we paddled out three to a boat. Rian sat between me and Gwen as he manned our vessel, while Garrett paddled the other boat carrying his wife in the front with Reagan in the back. As we raced toward the shoreline behind the castle, Reagan and Gwen shouted taunts to each other along with encouragement to the ones doing the work.
There was still much laughter when we entered the castle to make our way to the dining chamber for breakfast. We passed Kealan in the great hall. The look on the face of my father’s advisor instantly sobered my mood until Rian pulled me to his side. He smiled at the man as if to dare him into saying something. Kealan’s nose rose into the air as he hurried from the room.
Most of the children were already enjoying their breakfast in the family dining chamber when we arrived. I prepared my plate from the sidebar and then sat down on the end of the table beside Deidre. Her auburn hair looked as if it had been arranged in an elaborate design the night before and then she had slept on it.
She caught me looking and placed her hand over mine. “I hope you do not mind, but I made use of your handmaiden in your absence. Kariann has been trying to help me decide how I want to wear my hair to the ball. I just love her! She shows much more talent and imagination than Yvon. Our old nursemaid is fine, but she has her hands full with the boys. I think it is time I had my own handmaiden.” She cut her gaze to the other end of the table where Brianna sat in animated conversation with her two youngest.
“So, did you have fun?” Deidre turned her attention back to me.
I did not miss the edge to her voice and facial expression. She had complained several times that she could not understand why she was not allowed to go, and truthfully, I had felt the same until now. I looked down the table to where Rian sat near the middle with little Caitlin in his lap, feeding her a piece of his sweetbread. I placed my hand over my stomach and for the first time felt a twinge of hope that I may already be carrying his child.
“Yes, we had a lovely time. Maybe later you and I can do something together—just the two of us. It will be like old times.”
Just then the castle steward came in. He bowed next to Brianna, revealing a thinning spot on the top of his blond head. “Your Highness, I am sorry to interrupt your breakfast, but I wanted to let you know that your first guests have arrived.”
“Thank you, Austin.”
Gwen waited until he was gone to speak. “Children, you know what this means. Be on your best behavior as you go about the castle.” She made a point of looking at each of her children. A collective groan sounded from the group.
Deidre grabbed my hand. The gleam in her eyes did not match the mood of the rest at the table. “I wonder if it is Rowena and her family. She wrote to say they planned to arrive early. Her cousin has been sent from Rivania to live with them and she claims he is quite dishy. Let us go and see. Oh . . .” She covered her mouth with her hand and giggled. “I forgot for a moment that you are a married woman now.”
And there it was again. That thing that separated me from the only friend I had ever had—probably forever. I looked down the table to where Rian sat talking and laughing with his family, and I could not conjure up the same sadness I had felt upon my first realization of this fact.
Rian took the seat beside me just after it was vacated by Deidre. He leaned in closer and ran his fingers down a strip of my tangled hair. “I was just reminded about the ball. I guess you already know it is a masquerade this time. Garrett said he has a suit I could borrow, and Brianna said there will be extra masks available to any guest who may have forgotten to bring one. I can use one of those, but I wanted to know if you have everything you need. I would be happy to take you to the market today. I am told that Session vendors are open as of today. The kingdom will begin filling up now that the meeting is only two weeks away.”
The way he stroked my hair as he spoke in a tone just above a whisper while he gazed into my eyes was mesmerizing. That is, until I realized what it was he wanted. I leaned closer, hoping no one would be privy to what I was about to say. “Father does not allow us to make purchases outside of Dermot.”
No matter where Session was held, those in the royal families could purchase from any vendor without the exchange of coins. The vendors knew they would be paid at the end of each week. I had never been allowed this privilege outside of Dermot.
He stiffened his back, as well as his lips. The smoldering look from before was replaced with a glare. I dropped my gaze to my hands in my lap. The same old tension I had felt before our arrival reared its ugly head, reminding me that I would never be truly free from my father’s grasp and neither would Rian.
He lifted my chin with the touch of his fingers and leaned in, placing a soft kiss on my lips. “No worries. I still have money from my days as a soldier. We can use that for now.”
“I will speak with Kariann to see if there is a need.”
“Very good.” He drew closer to whisper in my ear. “There is sand in my britches.”
I covered my mouth to stifle a laugh.
He took my hand in his and rubbed my fingers between his. “I am going up to our room for a bath. Would you like to come with me?”
“I will check with Kariann. Then I will join you.”
He kissed my cheek and left.
I headed upstairs a short while later, trailed by Brianna and Gwen. Just as we made it to the second floor, we met Kariann with a basket of clothing in her hands. Her curtsy displayed more flair than usual. As always, her face was covered in makeup, but it did nothing to hide the red flushing her ears. Perhaps it embarrassed her to be caught with laundry in hand.
“Kariann, when you get a moment, I would like to go over what I will be wearing to the ball.”
Gwen linked her arm in mine. “Oh, can we have a look as well?”
Brianna gestured to the basket in my handmaiden’s arms. “Are those Deidre’s clothes?”
“Yes, Your Highness. She asked me to take them to the laundry, but I can do that later.” She set the basket next to the wall in the hallway and folded her hands in front of her.
Brianna’s brows were lowered with her lips pressed together. Even wearing the loose dress from the beach with her unkempt braid hanging down her back, she was every bit the queen in this moment. “We will see the ball gown first, and then I will have a talk with my daughter. Your responsibilities are to Princess Adrika, not to Deidre.”
“Yes, Your Highness.” Kariann curtsied again and then turned to head back down the hallway. “Right this way. I have the gown airing out in my room.”
We stopped at a door just past the one leading to mine and Rian’s chambers. I had never entered a servant’s room before. The unadorned chamber held one small bed against the wall. A clothing rack stood at the foot of the bed, and next to that was a door, which I knew led to the dressing room joining this chamber to mine. This was a rarely occupied room, one only used when my family visited the kingdom of Aisling and perhaps a few others.
For the first time, I wondered what Damini’s chambers had been like back home. The woman had been like a second mother to me, and I knew next to nothing about her. Did she miss me? Every time I tried to picture how her future life would be, I came up blank. Would she continue in the role of nursemaid to some other child? She was still fairly young. Perhaps my uncle would see fit to find her a husband.
Kariann pulled a red and green beaded garment from the rack and spread it across her bed. “This is the one Damini said you were to wear to the ball. I was to purchase a mask for you to wear, but we left so quickly, I didn’t have time to take care of it before. I am sure there will be more of a selection here once the Session vendors arrive.”
I recognized the silk garment as one that had belonged to my mother and felt that familiar feeling of being smothered by her restrictions even now, years after her death. I glanced at the other two women who were taking a closer inspection of the dress. I stepped nearer to my handmaiden. “Were you given money to purchase a mask?”
She glanced quickly up at me and then back toward the floor before discreetly shaking her head. I had never seen the woman looking so subdued. Being in the presence of the two queens was daunting at times, even for me.
I briefly touched her on the arm. “Prince Rian is taking me to the market today. I will pick one up there.” I stepped closer to the bed and ran my fingers across the beaded sleeve of the dress.
“I have always admired the workmanship of the garments worn by Cordelian women. Can you imagine all of the hours that went into making just one of these dresses?” I looked into Brianna’s guileless, hazel eyes. Something about her statement was unnerving. I may be half Cordelian by blood, but I was a Dermish princess. I had always felt I should dress to represent my own country rather than my mother’s. I had the feeling Brianna felt the same way, but this chafed more than it brought comfort.
Gwen ran a hand across the hem. “I know. To think that one of our ball gowns can be made in under a week.” She turned to look at me. “Did you know that Brianna and I sometimes design our own gowns? It is great fun to see one of my rough sketches brought to life by a skilled seamstress. I imagine the designs alone for this dress took pages to even get the idea across. It is a beautiful dress.”
Before I could even respond, Gwen had me by the hand as her face lit with a smile. “You should allow me to design one for you. Not for the ball, of course, but just for fun. It can be my wedding gift to you. Please allow me to do this for you.”
Her smile seemed so genuine, it was hard to resist. “How can I say no to such an offer. I would be honored.”
“What do you think of this one?” Gwen surprised me by having a sketch ready before we left for the market. Her skills were not as rough as she had implied earlier.
The strapless dress had tucks and folds across the bodice and then flared out with a full skirt. The hem gathered up to the waist on one side of the front to reveal another skirt beneath. It was unlike anything I had ever worn before. Just thinking about wearing it stirred my emotions.
“It is gorgeous. How did you get this done so quickly?”
“I like to doodle in my spare time. I already had this sketch done up, but I have never used it. As you can see, I do not have the figure to go with this dress. Do you think you would like it?”
I took a deep breath, hoping to dispel the shakiness from my voice. “I love it.”
“I was thinking a black underskirt with a deep-colored top layer—something that would go with your coloring. Maybe we can add some rhinestones to the bodice. We can decide once we see what the crafter has to offer.”
The more Gwen spoke of the dress, the more I could picture me wearing it. If only it were already made. What would Rian think if I showed up in something like this to the ball?
I squeezed her upper arm. “Thank you, Gwen.”
She turned and pulled me into a hug. “You don’t know how happy it makes me to be able to do this for you.”
The lump in my throat kept me from saying anything more.
Once we were all gathered downstairs, the six of us headed out for a leisurely stroll toward the market place set up just outside the protective walls surrounding the castle. I held on to Rian’s arm as I tried to take in every sight at once.
In Dermot, the session market was smaller and more subdued—likely due to the heavier tax Father charged to outside vendors. In Gilvary, it was all about the latest gadgets, but market during Session in Aisling was more like a carnival. We passed by a man on stilts high above the crowd, a juggler, and a fire breathing woman dressed like a dragon. Lively music filled the air along with the spicy scents coming from the food court.
I entered the fabric shop with the two queens and one of our guards, while the men perused the Gilvarian gadget booths across the way. A display of readymade swim dresses hung from a rack at the front of the shop that immediately caught our attention. These were more colorful than ours and had an extra layer sown in across the breast with matching bloomers to go with them.
“You can’t get these anywhere else in Kearnley. You may try one on if you’d like.” The sales pitch was not unexpected. The same types of cries could be heard throughout the market.
Gwen touched the elderly shop-owner on the arm in a familiar way. “Not today, Blanche. We need fabric for a dress for Princess Adrika.” She unfolded her design and offered it to the lady. “I was thinking black tulle for the underskirt. What do you have available for the top that would match her complexion and dark hair?”
Blanche placed a finger over her lip as she studied the parchment. “Hmm, let’s step over here and see what we can find.”
We followed the woman to the shelves of silky material on the back wall. She immediately began pulling bolts of dark jewel-toned fabric and tossed them onto a table. Automatically, I reached for the deep purple, enjoying the cool feel of it beneath my fingertips. I secretly adored this color, but it was not one that had been approved by my mother.
“Do you like it?”
I jerked my hand away when Brianna spoke.
“I think this amethyst color would look gorgeous on you.” She held the bolt up to my face. “Gwen, what do you think?”
A smile lit Gwen’s face. “I love it, but it is really up to Adrika. Just a moment.” She opened her purse and held out a silver engraved compact mirror. Then she held the end of the fabric up to my face for me to see.
There were no words. I had never been asked my opinion before, had never been allowed to choose what to wear. I had no idea if the color suited my complexion, but as I stared at the purple reflected in the small mirror, I had to have it. If it turned out wrong, there would be no complaints. It was my choice.
“I think the smile on her face says it all. You love this choice, do you not?” Brianna gave my arm a squeeze.
I could only nod in agreement.
After that, Gwen spoke with the woman more about the style and how the dress should be made, while Brianna and I made our way over to a display of masks. Brianna picked up a red mask trimmed in gold. “I believe this would go best with the ball gown you have. Of course, you may choose any one you would like, but I want it to be my treat.”
The red and gold mask would match my mother’s dress beautifully, but I felt no joy in choosing it.
“You really do not have to do that. Rian has provided well for me.” I patted my purse. This was the first time I had ever carried money with me. It was a little unnerving. It was as if I expected someone to snatch it from me at any moment, which was ridiculous. We were the only patrons in the store, and a guard was stationed at the door.
“You are allowing Gwen a dress, let me do this small thing. I insist.”
I only nodded to Brianna’s request.
Gwen joined us. “Did you hear? She can have it ready in a week. I never imagined it would be so soon with Session going on. She will get your measurements before we leave. Have you found a mask? We can look elsewhere if necessary. I dare say every vendor and shop owner in Aisling will have a display of them.”
“This one. This is the one I want.” I felt daring and bold when I lifted the deep purple mask with silver trim from the shelf. A silver butterfly was perched on one side. It perfectly symbolized how I felt in that moment—like a butterfly, set free from its cocoon. Free to make choices of my own.