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Adrika
“I want rid of everything Cordelian in this castle. I loved your mother, and you can keep anything that especially reminds you of her, but I never should have allowed her to decorate my home like one of their palaces.” My father’s voice held a tenderness and a strength that still took me by surprise.
I took another bite of my roasted pheasant as I pictured the suite Rian and I had stayed in while in Aisling. I was already planning out the new look of the castle interior. This would be one of the more pleasant changes Father had made.
A week had passed since my uncle’s plans had been thwarted. Father was getting out of bed now, but he still had not left his chambers. We ate most of our meals together at his sitting room table. Meetings with his advisors had even taken place there. And he had been as good as his word. Changes were already in place that would benefit the kingdom.
He had explained how his hoarding of the kingdom’s riches started when Rian’s father had first begun to tell of his plan. Father had not wanted to give over control, but agreed that the kingdom should be under one rule and was thrilled that his descendants would one day be in control. Father had planned for me and Rian to have the cache once the country fell to us. The hope still lived for a while after King Coman’s death. It was Father’s own greed that had grown in proportion to the stash that kept him going.
At first, I feared that Father would never get past his guilty feelings while he shared this all with me. It was a relief when his countenance finally changed to one of hope. He spoke to me every day now about what he wanted to see happen in the future. He had smiled more in one week after speaking to the vicar than I had seen in all of the five years before it. However, as his happiness grew, I became more and more despondent.
I missed Rian and worried for his safety. Many sleepless nights were spent wondering what was happening to him, fearful that he was already dead, and missing the feel of his arms around me.
We had managed to clear the castle of the Cordelian villains, but what would happen if we did not win this war? Once it became known that the rumors of war were true, our defense advisor, Hogan, began organizing our efforts. It was decided that General Cormac would head to the battle, gathering and organizing whatever troops could be gotten as he went. Word had been spread around the vicinity of the castle that warriors were needed and would receive better pay than had been offered before. The general had chosen those who would stay and guard the castle and the rest followed him to the battlefield.
I glanced up from my plate to find Father studying me over the rim of his teacup. “Vicar Reeves came by for a visit last evening. He happened to mention that you missed church services Sunday morning." He took another sip before carefully setting the cup on its saucer. His hands were still shaky from his ordeal, but his ability to delve into a person's mind was still intact.
"I asked Damini to allow me to sleep in. With everything that has happened in the last week, I have been feeling exhausted lately."
"Hmm."
I felt sure he did not buy into my excuse. I placed my napkin on my plate and pushed it away.
"You know, your mother experienced a fair amount of fatigue when she was expecting you."
Even as my face heated, I decided to give a direct reply to what he had only implied. "I am not expecting, Father."
"A pity."
Was it? Carrying Rian’s child would not be an upsetting predicament, but I could not honestly say that I wished for it—not with the uncertainty of his return. Then again, if he did not make it back to me, would I bemoan the fact that I did not have a part of him as a comfort?
"I think I'll take a walk into town. Is there anything you need?" I was not embarrassed to go there now. The merchants were much more gracious since their taxes had been lowered and the castle was no longer demanding a discount.
Father shook his head. "All of my needs have been met. Be sure to take two guards with you—two of the older ones. I do not trust the ones who are still wet behind the ears with my daughter."
His words put a brief smile on my face and in my heart. "Yes, Father." I stood and leaned to place a kiss on his weathered cheek.
He patted my hand resting on his shoulder. "I wish you would call me Poppa." He whispered his request with his gaze averted, as if he was embarrassed to speak it.
I gently wrapped my arms around him. "Poppa."
I headed to my chambers to change. I knocked on the door between my bedchamber and Damini's and then began rummaging through my wardrobe. The choices were few after the Cordelian outfits were eliminated, but I insisted in being the one to decide what I would wear now.
Damini shuffled in, her chin was almost touching her chest, as it had been since she was returned to me. Her hair was hidden beneath a dull cloth that looked as if it had been rescued from the rag bin.
Before, she had donned the same silk outfits worn throughout Cordelia but with minimal design work. I do not know where she had acquired her current wardrobe, but she now wore long dark-colored skirts along with dull blouses that covered her neck and arms. The only thing that was the same was the wide silk belt that denoted her as a servant of Cordelia.
I hated this new Damini. It was a constant reminder of everything my uncle had tried to destroy. And it reminded me of how devastating my future would be if his plans for my husband were successful.
Anger rose into my throat, practically choking me. "Why are you dressed that way? We are going into town. When we get there, I will find you something decent to wear. I am sick of seeing that dingy rag on your head. And I never want to see this belt again. You are no slave." I jerked the silk belt loose from her waist and threw it on the floor. I knew I was being horrible but seemed helpless to stop myself.
She squatted down into a ball near the floor, covering her face with her hands. Her heart-wrenching sobs rang out through the room, taking away my anger and replacing it with the worst kind of guilt—the kind where you knew there could be no restitution.
"I am so sorry.” I knelt beside her. “Please, please forgive me. What was I thinking to say such things? I am so sorry, Mini." I kept repeating myself as I wrapped my arms tightly around her.
"I wish God would take me from this earth. Why can He not do what I have been too weak-minded to do myself?"
I frantically stroked the scarf covering her head. "No, Damini. You must not say such things. I would not want to live in a world without you in it." I had never even heard her mention God before. Did she believe as Mother had?
Her scarf had shifted back revealing her uneven hair. She reached up and yanked it from her head. “Why do I even bother to hide my disgrace. Everyone knows what he took from me. They probably think I gave it willingly.” A shiver shook her body. “Who would ever believe that I prayed for death while my virtue was being stolen—not when I could not kill him in the end.” She pulled her knees up to her chest, burying her face between them and covered her head with her hands.
A chill rushed through me. I knew she had slept in the same room with Carlos but had avoided thinking about the implications. I had no desire to rake through the details, but Damini needed me as much as I needed her. I sat down beside her and wrapped my arms around her once again. “If you tell me what happened, it might help.”
Her head came up long enough to glance at me, her misery was plain to see. “Carlos forced himself on me. Your uncle found out, and of course, it was my fault. He was going to take my life, but Carlos begged to be allowed to keep me. So, Galik did this as a show of the shame within.” She pointed to her head. “He still planned to kill me, but said he would wait until Malai arrived. They planned to stone me in front of the castle as a show of the new king’s power and to strike fear in the hearts of your people.”
Malai. This was the one my uncle intended to wed me to. Just hearing his name brought dread to my own heart but not as much as the sound of agony coming from Damini. I had no words to help cover what she had been through. What could I say that could possibly matter?
“I am thankful it never came to that. We must push forward and put these memories behind us. You have no reason to feel shame or any more distress.” I ran my fingers through her uneven hair. “We will start with this. I will hire a hairdresser to even it up, and it will grow.” Reaching into the open wardrobe behind me, I pulled down a floral-print silk scarf hanging there and tied it around her head.
Tears were still streaming from her dark, soulful eyes, but at least she was looking at me now. She reached up and touched her new head-covering. “You are too kind.”
“It is nothing. We will find you a new wardrobe when we go to town. It will be a start. A change on the outside will soon work its way in. You will see.” I had said she was to have a new wardrobe before but now the gesture was being offered out of love rather than anger.
“Will it?” She reached for my hand resting in my lap. “Your Mother, she used to tell me that only her God could make a person feel truly whole. I felt I had the best life then. I did not need anything else to make me feel complete. Now I wonder if there is any truth to what she said. Do you think we could possibly stop by to see the vicar first?”
I almost shook my head. I wanted to deny her request, but how could I? To do so would be the same as calling my dear mother a liar. If Damini thought this may be the key to her happiness, who was I to deny it? I took in a calming breath. It was fear that had me wanting to shake my head. What could the vicar possibly say that would harm either of us?
After Damini helped me get ready, we made our way to the church along with two of the castle’s guards. We found the vicar watering the wilted pink flowers growing on each side of the chapel’s front door.
He placed his watering can beside the walkway and turned toward us. “Good afternoon, ladies.”
“Good afternoon, Vicar Reeves.” We had both answered in unison.
“Lovely flowers.” After our initial greeting, I decided to let Damini lead this conversation, but those were not the words I expected.
The vicar grinned back at her. “I should probably give up my efforts. No doubt this drought will eventually win.”
“If you do not mind me saying, you might try waiting until evening to water them so your efforts do not evaporate before the roots have a chance to drink their fill. Just a suggestion.” Damini ducked her head.
He pointed a finger at her. “You may be on to something. Speaking of the heat, why don’t we continue our visit inside, away from this blazing sun.”
We followed him into the sanctuary. One of the guards stayed near the door and the other went around to the one leading out back. The vicar moved in to sit in the middle of one of the pews. Damini sat beside him as I took the pew directly behind them.
If he was surprised to find that my servant was the one seeking an audience, he never let on. “What can I help you with, Damini?”
Her head shot up when he spoke her name. “I do not mean to waste your time, so allow me to get straight to the point. Queen Babree believed that there was a heaven and a hell. She believed that even a servant like me could enter heaven as her equal. She said that if I believed God had sacrificed His Son for my sins, all I had to do was repent and ask to be saved.”
The vicar waited for what seemed a long time to see if she would go on. “What do you believe?”
“I have always believed there was a God, but in Cordelia, we are taught that there is no heaven or hell, that when you die, that is the end. One simply dies to make way for someone new.” She turned her head to look directly at the vicar. “I recently met someone who left me without a doubt that there is a hell and that he deserved to be in it. It stands to reason that if hell exists, there must be a heaven for those who are deserving as well.”
He cleared his throat, but it sounded suspiciously as if he were covering laughter. “The truth is, there is no good any of us can do to deserve heaven. The key to salvation is God’s Son, Jesus Christ.”
I felt heat rising into my face and had to fight the urge to squirm in my seat. If what he was saying was true, my mother’s goodness and every visit she made to this church did nothing toward securing her place in heaven. If so, how could I even be sure that is where she really was?
The vicar continued when she did not say anything. “See, we all sin. What we consider but a little, God sees as being equal to those we see as great sins.”
A sob escaped Damini’s throat, causing me to cover my own mouth in fear that I may join her.
Vicar Reeves reached and laid his hand on her shoulder. “Queen Babree was right. We have a way to escape that sin and the hell that goes along with it. God sacrificed his own Son, Jesus Christ, as a blood offering to cover those sins. You say you believe in God, but what of His Son?”
I held my breath, waiting for her to answer. Mother had taught me about Jesus. I just never realized that His death had anything to do with me. I had never recognized my need for a savior. My sins never seemed that great, but now they marched boldly through my conscience.
“I have read His story in the Bible. I do believe that what it says about Him is true. He is God’s Son and He was sacrificed to cover sins. But I am but a lowly servant, a female servant. In my country, women are nothing. They are meant to be used and thrown away. Even in the castle . . . I do not want to speak ill of the king, but I know he has treated his wife and daughter in a similar fashion.” She glanced back at me from the corner of her eyes.
Vicar Reeves lifted her chin with his fingertips until she looked him in the eye. “God does not see you that way. He created you, and He wants you as His own.”
Damini placed her hand over her heart. She swallowed hard, but it did not stop the tears from coursing down her cheeks. Her voice sounded choked when she finally spoke. “What must I do?”
I held my breath for the vicar’s answer. I had been running from the answer to this question ever since Father’s confession. Deep down, I had known something was not right. There had been hints that I had pushed aside, afraid of their meaning. As I sat there, listening to everything that had been said, I could run no longer. I too, was seeking answers now.
“All you need to do is pray. Ask God to forgive you of your sins, and ask Him to save you. It is that simple.”
I swiped at the tears on my cheeks. “Can I do it too?”
He looked at me for the first time and smiled. “You do not need my permission. You can both petition God right now while I pray for you.”
I scooted forward in the pew, holding onto one in front of me and bowed my head. There was complete silence for a few moments before the vicar began praying out loud. “Dear Heavenly Father, these two women have been added to your family today. Bless them. Let them feel the power of your love. Let them feel your presence, your guidance, as they live out their lives. We thank you for the sacrifice of your Son that covers us with mercy and showers us with grace—neither of which we deserve. In Jesus’ holy, precious name we pray. Amen.”
As I prayed along with the vicar, there was a release of more than just the tears streaming down my face. Nothing had changed, really. I was still my father’s daughter. Rian’s life was still in perilous danger. My future was just as uncertain as before. Yet, I had not felt so carefree since early childhood. It was a type of rebirth that I somehow knew would change everything.