An ice carver’s artistry lies in her ability to envision something exquisite within the bulky parameters of a mundane block of ice and to know which tools will work best to achieve her goals. Similarly, a therapist working with people in trouble because of their anger, or because of domestic violence, or because of other pain-filled relationships, is faced with closed-down entities, brittle yet vulnerable. The therapist must consider and weigh, and at the same time chip away at, a system that’s not working very well. The therapist has to whittle away at the structure of the client’s anger system and the pain enclosed within.

In working with confused, unhappy individuals, couples, and families, I have gained new insight into anger, its sources and consequences, and I’ve had the opportunity to explore my ideas in my consulting practice and in teaching classes and workshops aimed at general audiences. What I have discovered has not only been of help to others but has allowed me to look at anger in new ways. This in turn has helped me discover that my ideas do not apply simply to anger and violence but also to all the other unhealthy stuff that anger brings with it.

When I asked clients who were initially angry, sometimes frightened (and sometimes frightening!), to describe what they were so mad about, they began to reveal new aspects of themselves. Rather than being the powerful, vengeful, in-control creatures they at first appeared to be, they began to reveal themselves to be actually pretty miserable people who felt out of control of their private universes.

Rather than being merely angry (the Funk & Wagnall definition of anger is “a feeling of sudden and strong displeasure and antagonism directed against the cause of an assumed wrong or injury”), they were enraged, not at one specific thing, but at everything at the same time. They described emotions that were overwhelming to them. It was almost as if they were trying to describe something out of Conrad’s Heart of Darkness, where Kurtz exclaims the anguish in his soul: “The horror! The horror!”

How awful! How scary! How confusing! And, ultimately, how very sad for those who experience such anger.

After I had noted this difference between everyday garden-variety anger (the kind you get when someone cuts you off in traffic) and the almost mythic angst my clients were describing, it seemed important to look at this rage from different angles and determine how my clients came to feel so terribly powerless in its grip. In truth, when they allowed themselves to think about the way anger was ruling and ruining their lives, these folks felt awful about not only their behavior, but also about their feelings of helplessness.

To put it simply, they were scared! They viewed their rage as a self-perpetuating, continuous, all-powerful, and consequently hopeless condition. Over and over clients said that they felt stuck, that even the most insignificant things could feel so threatening that it was impossible to communicate their feelings. Many had almost given up— and no wonder! For some, this sense of threat and futility spilled over into all areas of their lives, and the result was even more frustration.

So, the question is, Were the intense feelings they were experiencing really feelings of anger, or were they something else? If they were something else, diagnosing them as having a “problem controlling their anger” and using typical anger management techniques (like time-outs) wouldn’t really solve anything. In fact, it could easily add to their frustration level and ultimately make things worse.

While many books on anger touch on the idea of explaining what’s beneath the anger response, most put forth anger management precepts in an almost confrontational fashion, from a didactic, or teacherly, power position. The common message has been, “What you’re doing is wrong. Here’s why. Now just shape up, or else.”

In this book, I take a different approach. I help those who suffer from anger, or friends and loved ones of those who suffer from anger, to unravel their web of angst and seek positive solutions to their problem.

By looking at anger issues from a different angle, we can be kinder to ourselves and thus become better able to give ourselves reality checks without being defensive. When we are better able to explore our reactions without hostility and wariness, improved communication will result.

My hope is that, in evaluating the covered-up, subterranean emotions, you will gain the ability to choose how to react and develop improved problem-solving abilities that lead to safer, more productive solutions to anger. In this book, I will take a close look at anger, confrontation and conflict resolution, stress management, communication and assertion, and offer suggestions and exercises to help approach these problems in a positive, productive way.

You’ll develop new skills that will enrich your life, and you’ll gain the confidence to take charge and overcome your anger.