Hardiness

Finally, there is some good news regarding stress and anger. There are many things that can help you help yourself when it comes to managing you external stressors. Some years ago, researchers who thought about such things began to wonder why it was that certain sets of people did better under stress, stayed healthier, and suffered less severe consequences than others, even though they both may have been subjected to the same hellish situations. Social scientists looked at people who had been in concentration camps and people who had been prisoners of war and such. Eventually, certain similarities or character traits began to emerge that the successful survivors seemed to have in common. The scientists wondered how these specific proclivities insulated these people from otherwise overwhelming situations.

Here’s the good news. Even if you don’t currently have these stress shields built into your personality structure, you can acquire them. You can start by simply becoming aware of them and then adding the traits to your behavioral repertoire. In no time you’ll strengthen your ability to handle stress and pressure.

Let’s go over a few of them.

Spirituality

People who do well under stress appear to possess a sense of spirituality. This does not necessarily mean they are religious, although that certainly could be. The stress-resilient people share a feeling of wholeness or a sense of relationship with the universe. They have a sense of belonging to something greater than themselves. Whether this feeling of spirituality is something that occurs when these folks are in church or whether it happens while they are lying under a tree picking dandelions from sun-dappled grass, doesn’t make a difference. Perhaps this spirituality has something of a peak experience about it. People experiencing this state of consciousness frequently report that time seems to stop and everything is accepted and understood if just for a brief second.

Humor

A sense of humor is also an important coping tactic and hardiness factor. Not taking yourself too seriously definitely helps. A good sense of humor keeps you from giving up your power and energy to problems and to people who are, in the ultimate scheme of things, not going to change the earth’s orbit. Seeing the human condition in your situation can sometimes provide perspective.

Creativity

People who are resistant think creatively. They have the ability to look at things in unusual ways. My favorite example of this comes from a Star Trek movie, Star Trek II— The Wrath of Khan. Woven into the plot line is a theme where Admiral Kirk is asked over and over how he was able to succeed at solving an unbeatable problem, the “Kobayashi Maru,” during his days as a cadet at the Starfleet Academy. Finally, in answer to all the queries put to him about how he did it, Kirk states simply that he changed the setup for the test, allowing for success. Simply put, he says, “I cheated.”

Another example comes from ancient stories about Alexander the Great. There was a legend that whoever could untie the “Gordion Knot” would rule all of Asia Minor. Undaunted, Alexander undid it. Well, technically anyway, he severed the annoying knot with his sword.

This is not to recommend cheating or sword wielding; it just means that sometimes “outside of the box” thinking can be useful, and sometimes problems are best solved in unusual or creative ways.

Independence

Stress-resistant people appear to be independent. They measure their worth by their own standards and do not rely on the opinion of other people. They possess a positive attitude and a sense that it all will come out in the wash. You can see how many of these traits fortify one another. It’s probable that the more confident you feel, the more successful you will be. The more successes you achieve, the higher your sense of accomplishment, self-efficacy, and ultimately, self-esteem.

Support

Another fact that the research turned up was that hardy people have good support groups. A church group, a bunch of friends to ride bikes with, or a car club may serve as a support group. It’s now a well-established fact that support groups can play a major role in the survival rates of heart and cancer recovery patients.

Passion

The researchers also pointed out the importance of hobbies and passions in the lives of the resilient group. The renowned mythologist Joseph Campbell agreed. He taught us we must “follow our bliss.” He urged people to find something they truly loved and do it! In losing yourself to your passion—playing sports, gardening, pursuing the arts, doing whatever you love—you can help reduce your stress level.

Have you ever noticed, when you ask someone how it was that she played such a fabulous game of tennis, closed a great deal, or got an A on a paper, what she says? Typically, she’ll tell you she really doesn’t know. She’ll say she felt as if she were “right on” and that looking back, whatever she did just seemed to come naturally and very easily. Passions and hobbies help you get in sync, and things that formerly drove you crazy become insignificant.

Self-Esteem

At the root of hardiness is, perhaps, a good sense of self-esteem. What are the hallmarks of self-esteem?

• Surrounding yourself with people who nurture you

• Becoming you own approving inner parent

• Trusting yourself

• Making your own rules in a responsible fashion

• Following your own intuition

• Letting yourself win and not feeling guilty

• Surrounding yourself with beauty

• Giving yourself pleasure without feeling guilty about it

• Having fun responsibly without guilt

• Rewarding yourself

• Having confidence in your abilities

• Creating an abundance of friends

• Replacing negative self-talk with gentle, loving self-talk

• Developing your creativity

It is important that you as an individual possess adequate self-esteem because your level of self-worth can help you improve your circumstances, and help you to stay in charge of your reactions to others and to life in general.

Generally self-esteem problems fall into one of two categories:

1. Situational self-esteem problems. These issues show up only some of the time and only under certain specific conditions. These self-worth problems may involve some type of cognitive distortion that deals with body image or perceived deficits in other areas. These problems can be greatly improved by practice in disputing them.

2. Character logical self-esteem problems. These issues, on the other hand, are concerned with more basic and global identity issues like feeling as if you’re a worthless or stupid person, or a loser, or you’re just plain feeling “bad.” Improvement in these areas can come about by focusing your attention on self-compassion and nonjudgmental beliefs and affirmations. Some other techniques that are helpful in improving this type of self-esteem problem are the use of visualizations and hypnotic trance techniques. You’ll hear more about these techniques later in this chapter.

You’d probably agree that everyone occasionally succumbs to negative thinking patterns and everyone has a critical inner voice. Well, the person with feelings of poor self-worth has got it much worse. His hot thoughts take the form of a pathologically negative self-sabotaging critic. If you’re a person with low self-esteem, your self-critic is likely to set you up with impossibly high standards and then beat you up for even trying to attain them. Your self-critic tells you that you have to be the best, then calls you names and makes you believe that the names are true. It exaggerates bad things and uses many different weapons. Your self-critic is fond of using the rules you grew up with because the critic is born in your childhood and knows your mom and dad.

There are four factors that will dictate how your childhood self-esteem was affected:

1. The degree to which your tastes were labeled good or bad

2. The degree to which your parents were able to differentiate between you and your behavior

3. The frequency of negative messages your parents sent you

4. The frequency with which you were subjected to negative gestures that were tied to rejection

As an adult you can choose to live with your negative childhood critic or disarm it. At the root of self-esteem is having compassion for yourself.

First of all, you have to be able to understand your issues and problems. This doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to find solutions for them, but merely that you become aware they exist. It means you must figure out how you operate in the world and what you are likely to do in varied situations. You need to have an idea of where you’re coming from.

Next, in order to develop compassion for yourself, you need to learn how to accept yourself—all of yourself—even with your perceived shortcomings. This is how the process of change can begin. Accept who you are and don’t beat yourself up, even though it’s not so easy! But you’re a hero, actually. You carry on in spite of everything that goes wrong. The degree of your success is irrelevant; the only thing that really counts is the effort. With that thought in mind comes acceptance.

Lastly, for compassion to come about, you’ll want to forgive yourself. The ability to forgive yourself and others stems from your self-understanding and self-acceptance. Now, this doesn’t mean you have to approve of everything about yourself and everything you’ve ever done. But the future is a clean slate on which many things can be written. Letting go of the past and its mistakes and disappointments frees up your energy to discover new ways of thinking and behaving. It’s quite wonderful, really, when you can achieve this compassionate frame of mind!

If you currently don’t have good self-esteem—nurture it. There are piles of things that can help. One good way to begin to build your sense of self-esteem and mastery is by practicing positive self-statements. Practice this in the following exercise.

EXERCISE

Making Positive Self-Statements

Look at the list of adjectives below. First, place a check next to each word that describes you at work. Next, underline any word that applies to you when you’re with your partner or spouse. Last, circle any word that describes you when you’re alone. Don’t be modest!

generous	good	independent
talkative	tolerant	efficient
warm	willing to learn	confident
reliable	cooperative	persistent
fun to be around	trustworthy	handy
adventurous	serious	dexterous
bold	easygoing	sweet
supportive	quiet	competitive
dependable	content	people like me
zany	secure	positive
enterprising	satisfied with myself	humble
helpful	achieving	tactful
kind	useful	resourceful
self-assured	accomplished	amiable
sincere	polite	happy
cool	active	stable
hard working	determined	spiritual
loving	creative	humorous
consistent	relaxed	tenacious
forgiving	precise
able	lovable

How many of your good qualities overlapped into different areas of your life? Would you like to see certain qualities more present in your personal life?

Another good way to build your self-esteem is by using affirmations. Affirmations are simply positive self-statements that begin with the result in mind. They state that the situation has “already begun to change.” If, for instance, you’d like to be less reactive in a certain situation, a useful affirmation might be, “I handle things calmly as they come up if I take a deep breath and think before I act.”

These are the steps you take when making an affirmation:

1. See yourself making small positive steps toward reaching your goal.

2. See yourself as struggling a bit at first, but then overcoming obstacles in your path.

3. See yourself becoming someone you like more.

4. Think of self-esteem as something you already possess, but that you’ve just been out of touch with for a time.

Say, for instance, you’d like to lose some weight. That goal is pretty global; it’s also not very measurable and therefore unlikely to be accomplished. A better way to start would be to pick a goal that is practical, definable, and attainable, such as “I’m going to lose eight pounds in the next two months.” An example of an affirmation for losing that weight might go something like this:

1. Today I’ve really been aware of how much I’ve been eating.

2. I imagine sometimes I’ll forget and eat too much.

3. But today I’ve been doing a great job at working toward my goal.

4. I used to weigh less, so I know I can do it again!

Now try this exercise.

EXERCISE

Making an Affirmation

As you read the affirmations that follow, select the ones that apply to you. Begin working with one by writing it ten times on a piece of paper. After a time, pause and wait for a response from your mind. When your mind responds, “Okay” or “True,” or, “Yes that’s right!” you can be pretty sure that the thought is already working for you. If your mind responds with a “No,” then you know you have resistance in that area and you’ll have to work a little harder on it. Write the answer your mind gives you behind the statement. Do the same process over again for each statement.

1. I am highly pleasing to myself.
__________________________________________

2. I am highly pleasing to myself in the presence of other people.
__________________________________________

3. I am learning to love myself more every day.
__________________________________________

4. I am no longer dependent on another’s approval for my self-esteem.
__________________________________________

5. I now practice being kind to myself.
__________________________________________

6. I like myself even when I’m alone.
__________________________________________

7. I respect my unique qualities and differences.
__________________________________________

8. I am growing better every day.
__________________________________________

Now try another exercise to find out how stress-hardy you are.

EXERCISE

How Stress-Hardy Am I?

Look at the items below and score yourself from 1 to 5, with 1 meaning almost always, and 5 meaning almost never. The lower your score, the less vulnerable you are to stress.

		Points
1.	I organize my time very effectively.	______
2.	I can talk about my feelings when I’m worried or sad.	______
3.	I take the time to eat at least one balanced meal a day.	______
4.	I have an adequate income.	______
5.	I smoke less than half a pack of cigarettes a day.	______
6.	I have at least one friend or relative I can rely on.	______
7.	I get strength from my spiritual beliefs.	______
8.	I regularly attend social activities.	______
9.	I am an appropriate weight for my height.	______
10.	I exercise regularly.	______
11.	I have a network of friends and acquaintances.	______
12.	I am affectionate and receive affection.	______
13.	I get adequate sleep and feel well rested.	______
14.	I do something I really enjoy at least once a week.	______
15.	I drink three or fewer caffeinated beverages a day.	______
16.	I drink fewer than seven alcoholic drinks a week.	______
17.	I have confidants with whom I can talk about personal matters.	______
18.	I am in good health.	______
19.	I take a quiet time for myself each day.	______
20.	I communicate regularly with the people in my home regarding domestic issues.	______
21.	I love to laugh and have a good sense of humor.	______

If your score is 30 or under, you are stress resistant. If your score is over 50, you are vulnerable and need to work to bring it down.

The Stress-Management Model

There are many strategies you can use to manage the external stressors that occur in everyday life. These are the things that don’t go away—we just have to find a way to deal with them. For these there are many tried-and-true approaches, approaches you can use to deal with external stress, and most have to do with life-style choices. Eastern ideas in mental health and medicine are becoming increasingly popular.

Several ancient civilizations have gotten very positive results from these practices for a long time. Gradually, the Eastern philosophies are gaining acceptance in the United States to the point where many of them have become mainstream. The allopathic, slash-and-burn style of traditional Western medicine that treats disease as something to be removed from the body through drugs or surgery is now incorporating more of the holistic precepts of Eastern medicine with its emphasis on prevention. Interest in new therapies continues to build, especially those stressing the mind/body connection. Essentially, your vulnerability to stress can be reduced by maintaining good nutritional habits, getting lots of rest and exercise, and, generally speaking, keeping yourself maintained, body and soul.

What follows is a discussion of a few strategies you can think about using for relieving stress. In addition, there are plenty of books available on most of these topics if you want to know more about them; you’ll find a list of resources to get you started in “Further Reading” at the back of this book.

Progressive Muscle Relaxation

Progressive muscle relaxation is based upon the concept that it’s impossible to do two things at one time; you can’t lie down and stand up, you can’t be awake and asleep, and you can’t be happy and sad. In progressive muscle relaxation, the relaxation response is elicited to combat the stress response. Using isometric contraction exercises, you focus on each muscle group in your body, first tensing then relaxing. Progressive relaxation works to combat stress because deep muscle relaxation reduces tension and is incompatible with anxiety. Most people can learn this technique quite easily and it’s tremendously effective. There are several good tapes available for learning progressive muscle relaxation, including Progressive Relaxation and Breathing, for which you’ll find details in “Further Reading” at the back of the book. The following exercise is a short version you can try.

EXERCISE

Progressive Muscle Relaxation

This exercise can be done either lying down or sitting in a comfortable chair. If you have a little fear of flying, you might even want to try it before takeoff!

1. While breathing smoothly and slowly through your nose, flex your feet and your toes back and tighten your shins. Hold this position for five seconds and release.

2. Next, repeat this step while tightening your calves and thighs. Hold the position and then release it and breathe.

3. Repeat the previous moves while curling your fists, biceps, and forearms. Hold the tension for five seconds and release and breathe.

4. While performing all the earlier steps in succession, tighten your abdominal and chest muscles. Hold this position and once again relax and breathe.

5. Finally, do steps 1 through 4 and tighten your buttocks as well. At this point, your whole body should be flexed. Hold this position for five more seconds and then relax and continue to breathe fluidly.

Breathing Exercises

Breathing exercises can also be useful in initiating the relaxation response and diminishing stress. Practicing breathing techniques can help change your heart rate and brain wave pattern. Deep breathing oxygenates the blood and allows wastes and toxins to be drained away. Correct breathing is central to the practice of martial arts, where it is used to aid the practitioner in centering.

There are two basic ways that we breathe and we usually use both throughout the day. In the first way, we use our chest, known as thoracic breathing. In the second way, we use our abdomen, known as diaphragmatic breathing. For stress reduction purposes, most breath techniques focus on abdominal breathing. If this sounds confusing, here’s an easy way to help you identify diaphragmatic breathing.

1. Lie down on your back and make yourself as comfortable as you can. It might help you focus if you close your eyes.

2. Place your right hand on your stomach; rest your right thumb on your bellybutton. Notice that when you breathe in, your hand rises slightly. As you breathe out—your hand will fall.

3. Concentrate your attention on the continual rise and fall of your hand.

This is what abdominal breathing feels like. Trying this at bedtime might even work better than counting sheep in helping you to relax!

Breathing exercises often require a relatively fast intake of breath, which is then held for the same duration as the inhale, and finally exhaled in a relaxed and lengthy exhale. A typical pattern is to count to four on the intake of air, hold for a count of four, and then exhale the breath to a count of six or eight. Breathing techniques can be used on their own (remember “Take 10 deep breaths”?) or in conjunction with meditation, visualization, or other relaxation techniques. Here’s a short exercise to try.

EXERCISE

Abdominal Breathing

1. Lie down or sit in a comfortable position. Keep your spine straight.

2. Inhale slowly through your nose. Hold your breath.

3. Exhale slowly through your mouth. Make a whooshing sound on the exhale.

4. Continue this exercise for five to ten minutes.

Meditation

In the 1960s the Beetles introduced meditation to the general public. Again, as with the other stress-management strategies, meditation can take several forms, many of which involve clearing the mind. Here’s a short version of clearing the mind for you to try.

1. Sit up straight; take a breath or two to focus yourself and to relax. Rest your hands comfortably in your lap, palms up.

2. Close your eyes and continue to breathe in and out slowly and easily. Notice any thoughts that enter your awareness. As they fleetingly appear and disappear, notice them and then let them go.

3. Continue to breathe in and out slowly and easily.

One form of meditation that is gaining in popularity doesn’t require clearing your mind; in fact, it calls for just the opposite. It focuses on becoming totally immersed in the present and completely aware of the here and now. This means not worrying about the future or thinking about the past. It means noticing everything that’s going on around you, what you hear and see, and how things feel, smell, and taste. This form of meditation is known as “mindfulness.” Give it a try:

Select a daily activity that you do when you’re alone, like brushing your hair, taking the dog for a walk, or taking a shower. Once you’ve selected an activity, practice mindfulness by noticing every sensation and thought that this activity evokes for you. For instance, in the shower you may notice the smell of the soap and the feeling it produces on your skin. Or you may notice the way the steam clings to the curtain or door and how wet drops of water run in little rivulets down the wall. You can listen to the patter the water makes or note the softness of the washcloth.

Visual Imagery

Another useful technique for stress management is visual imagery. Creating a visualization is like taking a mini-vacation. In a state of relaxation, you allow your mind to find a place of safety and comfort or to think about a subject that provides you with something you need. Visualizations designed for relaxation and for therapy allow people, using their imaginations, to visit havens of safety, pleasure, and beauty. They can consult with spirit guides or work on problems in their lives. Try the next exercise.

EXERCISE

Relaxation Visualization

1. Imagine being in a private and safe place. Take a minute to take note of the details of the place. Do you feel warmth? Do you smell any aromas? What do your hear? What is the light like in the place you are thinking of? Imagine being completely at peace there with everything you need.

2. Imagine there is a supernatural guide in this place for your help and protection. Visualize what your guide looks like. Is it someone you know? Is it a person, a spirit, or an animal?

3. Imagine your stress issue is an actual object with a shape, color, weight, sound, and smell. Examine it.

4. Imagine your guide teaches you how to change the stress object in some magical way that makes it a gift that can be used for good.

5. Think of the object changing its shape, color, weight, sound, and smell and becoming more benign.

6. Imagine returning to the here and now with new insights about your life.