So, you’ve made it almost through the whole book. And maybe you have really thought about and agreed with some of the ideas regarding how to reframe your anger, better manage your stress level, communicate more effectively, and be more assertive. Perhaps you’ve done the exercises and come up with great new insights for yourself. That’s great. Good for you!

The good news is that you do have the power to behave, within your own spheres of influence, in a fashion that promotes better relationships with the people you encounter. The bad news is, you won’t always be around people who actively use the same techniques you use or are open to the same ideas as yours.

Conflict and confrontation will still occur no matter how many new and improved behaviors you employ. People still have different needs, and they’ll still try to get those needs satisfied in the best way they can. Remember, their needs may be just as legitimate as yours, even if they are radically different. Even people with similar interests can have conflict. But, conflict can be an opportunity not only for change, but for growth as well.

What Is Conflict, Anyway?

We know that many people resist change, yet change can oust outmoded ideas and behaviors and surprise us with opportunities for growth and success. Conflict can really be constructive, because it creates a crisis, which forces change. The word “crisis” itself is a variant of a Greek word meaning opportunity, and many times it takes some sort of crisis or conflict before there can be movement. Handled well, conflict and confrontation can result in a unity of purpose between the people involved that produces better collaboration than existed before the conflict. So, the first step in dealing with conflict may be to start looking at it in a new way.

Conflict results from a perception of threat and what appears to be a win/lose situation—if you get what you want, I can’t get what I want. But the way to resolve a conflict is to see it as a win/win proposition. Look at a conflict this way:

• Ask questions and clarify your assumptions regarding what the other person wants or doesn’t want. Ask the person what his or her reasons are for wanting or not wanting something.

• Analyze the person’s interests and issues, and analyze your own as well.

• Discuss problems before discussing solutions.

• Communicate what you want and why it is you want it. At this point you might decide it’s not a conflict after all.

Determine whether or not the conflict represents a true threat and not what I call a faux conflict. Sometimes what appears to be conflict is not truly threatening, but rather a misunderstanding or situation that makes little difference in the scheme of things.

Next, be aware that conflicts occur because people have different interests and it’s their difference of interests in conflict. Consider this example:

Two parents come in to my office with problems over childrearing issues. They’ve been bickering and name-calling over whether or not to use corporal punishment on their rambunctious school-age child. Mom says, “No, there are better ways to deal with disobedience—things like time-outs, token economies . . .” (Mom’s been reading Parents Magazine and such.) Dad says he was switched “plenty” when he was a kid and he turned out just fine.

Is this an example of a true conflict? Is it a matter in conflict because of different interests? They were fighting about which method of discipline was best after all. True, each party thought they knew best. But at the heart of the issue was their child’s welfare. There was no conflict or disagreement about that. Actually, getting the couple to see that they had their main interest in common went a long way in helping to unravel a faux conflict and resolve the problem. Both parents had the interest of their child in mind, and both were doing their best to see that their child was disciplined in a way that would lead her to become a successful adult. They just had different ways of going about it. By analyzing interests and issues and discussing problems before solutions, the couple was better able to communicate what they wanted and why. After the situation deescalated, the couple was able to strategize and find some integrative solutions to get their mutual needs met. They left the office feeling as though they were on the same team.

When interests are in conflict, resolution is a bit more difficult because there is less common ground to stand on. Each party has an objective that is independent of the other person, but solutions can be found. Remember that conflict resolution doesn’t always require a fifty/fifty solution, only one that is nominally acceptable to both parties. Relationships always require a little give and take, and the goal is to find a win/win solution.

There are a few basic principles to keep in mind when attempting to resolve conflict:

• Problem solving should be regarded as a collaborative effort to resolve a mutual problem.

• Each partner should demonstrate his or her willingness to change before the partners attempt to find a solution.

• Problems should be defined and addressed before solutions.

• Problem definition should be brief, specific, and in the present.

• Only one problem at a time should be addressed.

• Solutions to problems should be modest, mutual, and realistic.

• Solutions should be detailed and clearly understood by each partner.

Maybe if you can give a little this time, next time you’ll get a little more. Try to be flexible when working toward solutions, and always have a plan B in mind before entering the resolution phase.

The first thing to look at is whether or not the other person is seeking a solution or just wants somebody to listen. Try to remember this, because if someone wants to vent on an issue, it may come across as confrontation, when, in fact, the person is merely telling you about his or her frustrations. Try to figure out if that’s the case before you get your hackles up and become defensive.

You may know some people who constantly vent their frustration and anger. These people may have reasons for their chronic anger—they may be ill, have family problems, or even be depressed. Sometimes people who chronically vent may not realize how destructive their constant anger can be until after they’ve blown their relationship. One client of mine said with a perfectly straight face, “Well of course I rag on Jim, but it is his decision to bleed.”

Sometimes venting and problem solving can take place at the same time. That’s because, after venting for a few minutes, the person may feel listened to and be better able to look at his or her issue less emotionally.

Tricks of the Trade

There are some general rules of engagement you can use if you find yourself in a situation that just can’t be analyzed, compromised, or negotiated away.

Be Careful of Generalizing

Saying things like “You always” do such and such or, “You never” do blankety-blank can make things become true. Such statements can begin to shape a self-image in the other person that eventually becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Generalizations can make a person feel defensive because they place the other person in a hopeless, no-win situation. So be sure that you request behavior change only. Instead of telling someone to stop “doing” something, try telling that person what you would like him or her to do instead.

Stick to the Topic

When people don’t stay with the subject, there is undoubtedly an underlying, unresolved, or unspoken issue. Bringing into the argument past grievances or annoying character traits is basically a dirty fighting technique known as “brown bagging.” Listing old injustices just throws things off track. Dredging up old scum confuses the focus of the current problem situation and tends to escalate everything to an unsolvable, out-of-control global fight.

Stay in the Here and Now

Check in with your partner. Find out if what you’re hearing is what your partner means. Here-and-now questions get here-and-now answers. Avoid questions such as, “How can you be so bullheaded [or stupid, or uncaring, or dumb]?” for which there are no answers.

Remember to Communicate!

Let’s review some of the communication techniques and pitfalls we discussed in Chapter 9:

• When you mind read instead of really listening to what’s going on, you lose the chance to find an acceptable solution to the dilemma. Respect your partner by taking his or her communication literally.

• Restate what you’ve heard, ask clarifying questions if you need to, and look for areas of agreement. Offer an apology (in whole or in part) if you need to—it won’t kill you.

• Try not to cross-complain, which means responding to someone’s complaints with complaints of your own. You’ll never solve anything that way.

• Make sure to avoid sarcasm because it can come across as passive-aggressive—which it is.

• Try to be consistent in expressing your needs and concerns, otherwise you may confuse your partner.

• Try never to give advice unless it’s requested and even then give advice in moderation.

• Try to avoid communication that is blaming or shaming. Blaming your partner just escalates defensiveness and closes down a person’s desire to compromise about a situation.

• Avoid pulling rank. Reminding your partner that you’re older, or smarter, or that you make more money is not going to endear you to your spouse in any way, shape, or form. Remember, problem resolution is a joint endeavor.

Don’t Question the Other Person’s Motivation

It’s unproductive to question motives with comments like “You do that just to upset me, don’t you?” If that were the case, the relationship would be pathological. Although certainly such relationships do exist, most of us would not be willing to live with anyone who purposely tries to upset us. If we stayed around, the relationship would be sadomasochistic. Assuming that this is not true of your relationship, try to utilize the paradigm that the other person is simply attempting to get what he or she needs and is not trying to hurt or injure you.

Use Assertive Techniques and “I” Statements

“I” statements show that you own the problem or concern and don’t make the other person feel defensive. Demonstrate your willingness to solve the problem and hear the other person out. Acknowledge the other person’s point of view, which shows that you respect the other person’s right to his or her own conception or perception of the problem. (But it doesn’t mean you agree.)

Don’t Argue When You’re Sick or Tired

Fatigue, like drugs and alcohol, inhibits thinking and increases the likelihood of an overly emotional response. Therapists won’t try to work with people when they are under the influence; why would you want to? If you don’t feel well, you’re liable to overreact or may not be able to concentrate on the conversation. Conflicts and problems, especially chronic ones, are best handled when both parties are rested and alert.

Set a Time Limit

One hour of discussion is enough at any one time. Freud taught us that! Partners often seem to think a good cathartic session has to be an “all-nighter.” Forget it. There are times when everyone needs to refuel. Exhaustion can lead to an exacerbation of feelings of isolation and defensiveness and can lead to a bigger blowup if not downright violence. Agree in advance that either party can take a “time-out” if it becomes necessary. If you need more than an hour to get things settled, agree to give it a rest for twenty-four hours and set a time to work on the issue the next day.

Choose the Right Moment

Timing is critical when it comes to conflict resolution. When you are preoccupied, tired, or in the middle of something else, it’s much more difficult to feel open to negotiating for changes. Say John is cranky before 10:00 A.M., definitely not a morning person. Seven A.M. would not be the best time for Sherry to talk about issues. Remember, the “good” thing about chronic behavior is that it always comes back. So, when working on chronic issues, use your noodle, and consider the best time to talk about the problem— when both partners are in a good mood.

Some More Creative Tricks to Defuse Conflict

Here are a few more quick tips for containing conflict:

• Try using an endearment in the middle of a fight. Even when we are angry and upset it can be reassuring to know that we are still loved and cared for. We like to know that we are still someone’s “honey” or “stud muffin.”

• Stay within touching distance, as long as violence is not an issue in a relationship. By remaining accessible to the other person, you demonstrate your trust and connectedness.

• If you’re feeling accusatory, try asking a question instead. For instance, instead of saying, “You like Mary better than me!” Try something like, “Do you feel Mary is more attractive in some ways than I am?” Questions provide for clarification of issues and are lower on the volatility scale.

• Use a little bit of humor in tense situations. As long as it doesn’t come across as sarcasm, humor can help deescalate troublesome issues.

• Try to think outside the box. Creative solutions can sometimes work wonders.

Here’s an example of how a creative solution worked for two of my clients. “Mary” and “Mike” came in for help with their relationship. They were thinking about getting married in the near future, but suddenly everything about their relationship felt wrong. Mary had been in therapy before and believed in its value. Mike, on the other hand, was quite skeptical and came into the office saying so.

Mary worked in real estate and had big dreams for her future. Mike worked for a local construction company, was happy with his life as it was, and did not appear to have grand aspirations or any desires to make big changes in his life. The couple obviously had different personal goals.

When it came to the marriage ceremony, they also had different ideas. Mary’s parents had offered to provide the couple with $10,000 for their wedding expenses. Mary envisioned being led down the aisle and given away by her dad. She had picked out a dress and started searching for a reception site. Mike, on the other hand, thought the whole thing was ridiculous and a big waste of money. He said he felt the money would be put to better use if it were invested. Mary protested that her parents weren’t giving them the money for investment purposes, but for a wedding.

The session ended in a stalemate. They did agree to come back the following week, however. Meanwhile, I formulated some thoughts on what was going on. I surmised that perhaps Mike was feeling a little inadequate under the circumstances and a little resentful of his future in-laws and their money. As it turned out, boy, was I wrong!

When they returned the following week, Mike confided he almost didn’t return for the session and it was only Mary’s urging that got him to come to the office again. He said that last week’s session had helped reinforce his belief that therapy was a waste of time. They started in again on the marriage issue. Mike groused that he thought the wedding should be their own private affair, conducted on the beach by a female minister who was also his friend. Mary said he was just being cheap.

Once more, a stalemate developed. Several things were suggested as solutions to the dilemma, but none appeared satisfactory. Then, almost as a joke to lighten the situation, I suggested that they have two weddings, one for Mike and a second one that would appease Mary’s parents and provide Mary with the fairytale wedding she had pictured. Mike and Mary stopped in their tracks. They looked at each other and smiled. Next thing, before I knew it, Mike was up and out of his seat. He pulled me up from my chair and threw his arms around me in a great bear hug. Dancing me around the office, he thanked me for the brilliant idea!

It seemed Mike had a very deep belief that marriage was between two people, and his resistance had nothing whatsoever to do with money. The rest of the session was spent planning how it would all be arranged. First the couple would have the private ceremony and later they’d have the formal, public one. They both left the office delighted with the rather unusual solution to their problem.

Putting It All Together

There is an old toast that says, “May you live in interesting times.” Well, we certainly do! The world seems to be spinning at an incredible pace, and we will continually be challenged to keep up with novel concepts and technologies. With this in mind, it’s crucial that we maximize our ability to adapt to ever-changing demands on ourselves—and our environment—by using the skills we have available.

The key element to remember is, we all do the best we can with what we’ve got, and we are not doomed to perpetuate nonproductive behaviors. We are in charge of who we want to become. You truly do have the power to sculpt the shape your life will take! The sculptor may be ambitious. The sculptor might indeed be an artist ready to share with the world a vision of beauty. Without the right tools, though, the sculptor’s true potential will never be realized.

I hope you have found in these pages a few tools you can utilize to create the life you were meant to have.