4

“What happened to you last night?” demanded Ruby Bee as I chose a stool. “Didn’t you get the message I left on that infernal answering machine at your office? I didn’t get a wink of sleep on account of imagining you in some awful car wreck out on the highway, lying in a ditch all covered with blood. And how was I to know if you’d decided to catch a bus to Washington, D.C., without having the decency to tell me?”

“Any biscuits and sausage gravy left?” I asked.

Ruby Bee folded her arms and stared at me. “I don’t believe you answered my question, young lady. Once you see fit to do that, I’ll answer yours.”

My options were limited and my stomach was growling in expectation. “If you must know, I went to Farberville to talk to people, then went to the drive-in and watched a couple of particularly gruesome movies. The first was about this guy with hideous scars all over his face and hands from a chemical accident. He crawled into this teenaged girl’s bedroom window, doped her, took out a ten-inch carving knife, and—”

“I’ll see what’s left,” Ruby Bee said as she strode into the kitchen, “but you’re pressing your luck. One of these days …”

The doors swished closed on whatever was going to happen to me one of these days. I was in more of a carpe diem mood, so I poured a mug of coffee and snitched a doughnut from under a glass dome. I was licking the grains of sugar off my fingers as the front door opened and footsteps thudded across the dance floor. The sound reminded me of the second feature at the drive-in, which had starred an extinct reptile with an attitude (so my taste in movies is no better than my taste in ex-husbands).

“Hey, Arly,” said Dahlia as she hoisted herself onto a stool. She plucked a napkin out of a metal dispenser to blot the sweat off her forehead. “Hot enough for you?”

“No, it’s not. I was sitting here thinking that I ought to move to the Sahara desert and get a job chasing camel thieves.”

She blinked at me. “You were?”

Ruby Bee came out of the kitchen and slammed a plate down in front of me. “This should hold you,” she said coldly, then managed a smile for Dahlia. “How about a glass of iced tea?”

Dahlia was staring at the plate in front of me, her eyes as rounded as full moons and her breathing ragged. “I don’t guess you have any more biscuits, do you?”

“Now, Dahlia,” Ruby Bee said as she scooted the napkin dispenser alongside my plate, “the doctor told you how important this diet is. You don’t want to do anything that might hurt the baby, do you? It’s not all that long until your due date.” She gave me a pointed look. “Aren’t you impressed with how Dahlia has stuck to her diet for two whole weeks now?”

In that my mouth was full of biscuits and gravy, all I could do was nod. I put my elbow on the bar to further deter Dahlia from a slavering attack on my breakfast—an idea that was written all over her face in big capital letters. “I truly am impressed,” I said when I could. “How much weight have you lost?”

“I don’t rightly recollect,” she said distractedly.

Ruby Bee added another napkin dispenser and a plastic pretzel basket to the barrier. “The reason I called you last night was to tell you about Malachi Hope. I thought you might be interested.” Her voice rose and her pace quickened as Dahlia’s tongue slid out between her lips. “After all, everybody in town has heard of him, but nobody except Estelle and me has actually seen him. Some older man bought groceries at the SuperSaver, and Eula Lemoy saw that blond woman drive by in a white Mercedes, but Malachi Hope is a real mystery man. Estelle and I are the only ones who’ve met him in person.”

I’d been shoveling down the food as fast as I could, but this caught me by surprise. “Where’d you meet him?” I said, my fork poised in midair.

This turned out to be a mistake. Ruby Bee snatched up the plate and slipped it into a sink of soapy water. “Up at the Grapper place,” she said as if nothing had happened. “Estelle and I took it upon ourselves to drop off a casserole and welcome him to Maggody.”

I put down my fork. “So tell me about him.”

Amid wheezy sighs from Dahlia, who’d shifted her attention to the pyramid of doughnuts, Ruby Bee described what might have been a meeting of no more than thirty seconds’ duration. “He looked different on television,” she continued. “Wearing nothing but a towel, he looked like a regular person who mows his lawn every week and puts out the garbage. I expected him to be …”

I waited, but she finally shrugged and busied herself washing dishes in the sink. Dahlia gave up on the doughnuts and announced she was going to continue her walk, which she seemed to equate with the Long March in China. She was trudging away in the opposite direction as I headed back to the PD. Woe to those who crossed her path.

The telephone rang while I was making coffee in the back room, and after a short debate, I took the adult approach and answered it.

“Heard you was back in town!” boomed Sheriff Harve Dorfer from his office in Farberville. He’s a real country boy at heart, as well as a slick politician and a fairly astute law enforcement agent. His primary passion seems to be cheap, foul-smelling cigars; I’m always careful to stay upwind from him when he takes one out of his shirt pocket. “One of the boys saw you at the drive-in last night. I wouldn’t have thought it was so boring out your way that you’d actually pay money to sit through four hours of that kind of crap.”

As soon as he finished guffawing at his wit, I said, “Why wouldn’t you think it’s boring out this way? There are days when I cruise around town, longing to catch some scoundrel tossing a beer can out of a car window so I can shoot him on the spot. Yesterday morning I went so far as to consider trying to find Raz Buchanon’s moonshine operation up on Cotter’s Ridge. I was halfway to the car when I remembered he and Marjorie went to visit kinfolk at the state prison. I think they have a family reunion down there every year about this time.”

“I wouldn’t be surprised,” drawled Harve. “So what’s this about the preacher and some theme park? What’s he gonna call it—‘Six Flags Over Jesus’?”

I propped my feet on the corner of my desk and leaned back in the squeaky old chair. “I did some checking on Malachi Hope and his corporation. He’s pretty tame compared to some of the better-known figures with the gift of electronic tongues. About five years ago he got into a dispute with the IRS over what constitutes a charitable organization and was slapped with a bill for more than a million dollars. The corporation filed for bankruptcy, reorganized the debts, and stayed quiet for a spell. Then a year ago, he resurfaced and began staging revivals, mostly in Texas and Oklahoma.”

“So what’s he really doing in Maggody?”

I searched the ceiling for a water stain comparable to the image on the Shroud of Turin, but no manifestation was obvious. “I wish I knew, Harve. The idea of building a theme park out here sounds ludicrous to me.”

“You met him yet?”

“No, and in all honesty, I have no desire to do so. The business manager assured me that Malachi Hope was not a typical evangelist, but I won’t be surprised if he shows up with a pompadour, a sequined suit, and cowboy boots made from an endangered species. He drives a gold Cadillac, for pity’s sake.”

“Now, Arly, you shouldn’t judge a man by his choice of vehicles. It ain’t professional. Maybe you ought to go out there and ask him real politely what the goddamn hell he thinks he’s doing here in Stump County.”

“I don’t want to,” I said with all the charm of a sulky toddler. “Besides, I haven’t made much progress with all the busywork that accumulated while I was gone. I have to set an appointment to confer with the county prosecutor about the charges against Pegasus Buchanon, who failed to explain what he was doing in the cemetery behind the Baptist church—with a shovel and a gunnysack. I have to call the travel agent about flights to Cairo. I have to do laundry at the—”

“Seems to me you’re gonna need some help with traffic next week,” Harve interrupted smoothly. “If you want, I can scrounge up a couple of deputies to help you out. There are flyers posted all over the county about the revival, and the new fall lineup hasn’t started. Folks may be getting bored with reruns and pilots that didn’t cut the mustard. They might come out your way in droves to find salvation and listen to gospel music on a hot summer night. Course, you need to confer with this preacher and make sure he’s figured out where everybody’s gonna park.”

I told Harve he was a bastard, then hung up and resumed my morose contemplation of the stains on the ceiling. An interview with Malachi Hope was less appealing than a cozy conversation with Raz’s pedigreed sow. It was less appealing than a confrontation with the town council about my budget (“Please, sirs, could I have a new pencil?”). It was less appealing than a burrito from the SuperSaver.

I kept a running count in my head, and when I’d thought of exactly one hundred things that were less appealing than doing my duty, I stood up. I may have been dragging my feet as I headed for the door, but I was moving in the right (and righteous) direction, when said door banged opened and Mrs. Jim Bob flew in like a Harpy from the bowels of hell.

“I should have known you’d-be lounging around the PD,” she said by way of greeting. Her smile was as warm as the iceberg that took down the Titanic. “Not that I blame you, of course. As I told Jim Bob, the town council had no business hiring you in the first place. It’s getting more and more obvious that women aren’t cut out to do a man’s job. If you’d take time to read the Bible, you’d realize that your only hope is to mend your ways. Why don’t you come to church before it’s too late?”

I retreated behind the desk. “Have you ever thought about changing laxatives, Mrs. Jim Bob? I know it’s none of my business, but whatever you’re using doesn’t seem to be working all that well.”

She sat on the edge of the chair across from me, her hands clasped and her ankles crossed, her skirt carefully smoothed to cover her knees. Her lips were so pinched they were almost invisible, but they seemed to be functioning. “I was telling Jim Bob just the other day that I wouldn’t be surprised to hear you spent your vacation on an island named Lesbos.”

“Is it in Florida?”

“How should I know about something disgusting like that?” she countered without missing a beat. “What do you plan to do about this snake-oil salesman and his hussy? He’s as slick as an eel in a barrel of slime, and she’s—well! I have made too many sacrifices to see our town awash in godless heathens and tourists with more money than piety. I demand you run that man and his entourage out of town.”

“You get the tar and I’ll get the feathers.”

“I do not find you amusing, Miss Chief of Police. Malachi Hope is a threat to our community. I for one will not watch decency go down the drain like so much bathwater.”

I nodded earnestly. “Okay, I’ll get the tar and you get the feathers.”

“I have had it with you,” she said as she snatched up her purse and rose to her feet. Outside of flinging her purse at me, there wasn’t much she could do in the way of a physical assault, but I stayed where I was (being a pacifist and all). “I’m asking for the last time—what are you going to do about this man?”

“Okay, okay,” I said, shrugging. “I’ll get the tar and the feathers, but it doesn’t sound like a fair division of labor. At the least, I think you should offer to heat the tar on Jim Bob’s barbecue grill.”

She went flying out the door, although probably not to buy a bag of charcoal. I leaned back in my chair, wiggled around until the cane stopped poking my fanny, and began a new list along the lines of: Would I rather be lectured by Mrs. Jim Bob or eat cold grits?

There was no doubt in my mind.

Thomas Fratelleon put down the receiver and gave Seraphina a smug smile. “Mort will start drawing up the option papers this afternoon. We should have them in hand by a week from Monday.”

“That’s great,” she said with manufactured enthusiasm. “I was afraid-we were going to have a problem with that creep who owns the middle parcel. Imagine him thinking we’d fall for his lies about escalating property values. The price of rocks hasn’t gone up.”

Fratelleon winced as he recalled the bargaining session with the mayor. “As long as he doesn’t shoot off his mouth about what we’re paying him, it’ll be fine. But if the other two yokels learn that he’s getting twice as much as they are, they’ll refuse to sign the papers. If we don’t have the options, there’s no way we can get any long-term financing for the first phase.”

“The good Lord will provide,” Malachi said from the bedroom doorway. He was wearing a coat and tie, and carrying a hand-sewn leather briefcase. He looked like a history professor, the kind whose classes are always jammed with sorority girls listening in awed silence. “I’m going into Farberville to do a little politicking with my fellow ministers. I think I’ll promise them each five percent of the contributions in exchange for encouraging their congregations to attend the revival.”

Fratelleon gave him a puzzled look. “And if twenty churches take you up on this generous offer of yours, we end up with the net from souvenir sales. It won’t cover the utility bills.”

Malachi put his arm around Seraphina’s waist and pulled her against his body. “Thomas, my literal-minded son, I said I’d promise them a cut. I didn’t say I’d actually give it to them.” He kissed Seraphina’s cheek and waited for her to reciprocate before he released her. “Where’s Chastity?”

Seraphina moved away from him. “I’m not sure. She left an hour ago with those two girls who came by in a station wagon the other day.”

“Where did they go?” Malachi asked softly.

“One of them said something about shooting baskets at the high school gym. Chastity didn’t look excited at the idea, but she went with them anyway. I doubt she can get into any trouble at a gym. Besides, she needs to get some exercise or I’ll have to let out her school clothes.”

Malachi’s voice remained soft, but Thomas could hear an edge to it. “When we had our little conversation last night, I told you that Chastity could get into trouble in Mother Teresa’s rec room.”

“You were in the tent talking to Joey,” protested Seraphina. “I didn’t see any harm in letting her—”

“I also told you that as of that moment—a scant twelve hours ago, if I remember correctly—you were not to allow her to leave this area without my explicit permission. She is not to be trusted. In that I have assumed joint responsibility for her physical as well as spiritual well-being, I must insist you respect my position of authority within this family. Do you understand me, Seraphina, or should I repeat it in words of one syllable?”

“I understand you, Malachi,” she said as she tried to ease past him.

He grabbed her arm. “Why don’t you remind Thomas and me of what the Apostle Paul wrote to the Ephesians?”

“Ephesians, chapter five, verse twenty-two,” she recited numbly. “‘Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.’”

“Continue,” commanded Malachi, his fingers still clutching her arm.

“‘For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the savior of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.’”

“Very nicely done. Now then, why don’t you put on a pretty dress and go down to that supermarket to do some shopping? While you’re at it, drop by the office and have a friendly conversation with Mr. Buchanon about complying with our private arrangement. His dim brain was clicking like a cash register, and I’m afraid he’s keenly aware of the significance of his parcel to the overall sale. Do whatever it takes to make sure he keeps his mouth shut until the deal is final. Whatever it takes.”

Seraphina pulled herself free, turned, and left the room. Seconds later, a door slammed at the opposite end of the RV.

Thomas busied himself with the papers on the table, uncomfortable as always when these scenes occurred. In his opinion, they did so much too often—but marital mediation was not in his job description. “I hope we have a good take the first few nights of the revival,” he said, trying not to fidget as he sensed Malachi’s gaze on the back of his head. “We’ll need fourteen hundred dollars for the three options, and we used most of our resources to cover transportation expenses and the utility deposits.”

“I’ll ask the local churches to pitch in to sponsor us,” Malachi said. “After all, the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.”

“You’re not the Lord.”

“Are you quite sure, Thomas?” Without waiting for a response, Malachi went through the living room and outside to the gold Cadillac. The interior was worse than Satan’s furnace room, he thought as he switched the air conditioner to high, then drove down the road to County 102. At the intersection with the main highway, however, he sat for several minutes, idly watching pickup trucks rumbling by while he considered his next move. As he reached a decision, he saw a stout man with a particularly red face come out of a trailer parked beneath a scattering of sycamore trees.

He touched a button that caused the window to silently slide down. “You!” he called. “Can you tell me how to get to the high school?”

It was not a difficult question, but the man froze in midstep, his face crinkled with bewilderment—or perhaps even terror. Malachi patiently repeated the question and then did all he could to sort out directions from the mostly incoherent sputters he received in response. Unwilling to cause any more anxiety, he nodded and turned in what might be the correct direction. One more turn led him to a sprawling yellow-brick structure with a sign proclaiming it to be the home of the Maggody Marauders. A football stadium to one side confirmed his theory that this had to be the high school; even in an alternate universe, Maggody would not have attracted a professional football team.

At one end was a two-story addition with a rounded roof. Malachi parked in front of it, locked the car, and pushed open a metal door. It proved to be the gym, but there were no players of either gender shooting baskets or even sitting in the bleachers.

Muttering a phrase that might have caused his more ardent followers to think twice about writing a check, he walked across the glistening hardwood floor to a door marked OFFICE.

“Hello?” he said as he eased it open.

A woman with yellow hair looked up from a pile of paperwork. The annoyed expression faded as she recognized her visitor. “Malachi Hope,” she exhaled reverently.

“I’m looking for my wife’s sister, a girl named Chastity Hope. I was told she was here, shooting baskets.”

“I knew you would come to me.”

Malachi stepped back, his hand still holding the doorknob. He was accustomed to reactions such as this, and at times went out of his way to encourage them when he could sniff a profit in the air. At this moment, though, he was intent on finding Chastity. “Have any girls been here today?”

“I’m Norma Kay.”

“It’s nice to meet you, Norma Kay. Have any girls—”

She stood up and leaned forward, her eyes glittering too brightly for his taste. “I realize you have millions of loyal followers, Malachi, but you surely remember me. I wrote you for the first time about ten years ago, when I was close to committing suicide. You wrote back with such compassion that I found the strength to carry on with my life. I’ve written you every month since then, sending every penny I could and begging for your prayers.”

If possible, her eyes became even brighter. Droplets of foam accumulated in the corners of her mouth, and her fingers were splayed like talons. “I’ve taken every bit of advice you’ve given me, Malachi, even when I had trouble understanding why. I ordered your Bible study course and played the cassettes over and over again. I even went to one of your revivals, but the stadium was so crowded I couldn’t get close enough to talk to you.”

“Of course, I remember you, Norma Kay,” murmured Malachi, easing out the door, “and it’s a real blessing to meet you in person like this. I want you to know you’re always in my special prayers for those who rely on my guidance in spiritual matters. Now, I’d really better see if I can find my wife’s sister. She doesn’t know her way around town and I’m concerned.”

Norma Kay was close to toppling across the desk and undoing a morning’s worth of organization. “You said in one of the letters that you’d be pleased to meet with me in private if we ever had the chance. My husband and I own the property where you’re going to build your park. We live in the white frame house at the bottom of the hill.”

Malachi froze. “Your last name is Grapper?”

“I married Bur almost ten years ago. When I heard you were putting on revivals, I wrote and told you all about the pasture and how perfect it would be for your City of Hope. Don’t you remember?”

It occurred to Malachi that the option and subsequent sale would be determined by his reaction to this disturbed woman with unnaturally yellow hair. “Of course, I do,” he said through a strained smile, “and I am delighted. I’m sure if we pray together we can iron out all your problems and get you aimed straight for prosperity. Why don’t you call my manager and ask him to make you an appointment sometime during revival week?”

She stumbled around the desk, taking a jolting hit to her hip in the process, and grabbed his hand. Rubbing it against her damp cheek, she said, “Thank you, Malachi. There’s so much I want to tell you. I’ve allowed lust to rule my heart, and you must counsel me until I have the courage to cast aside my sinful ways.”

He freed his hand and patted her shoulder as he would a large dog. “Until then, you’ll be foremost in my prayers, Norma Kay. Foremost.”

To his dismay (but not his surprise), she burst into tears and flung herself at him. He was much too concerned with the deleterious effects of salt water on his silk tie to notice as a door at the back of the office closed with a soft click.

Brother Verber was sitting on the rectory steps when he spotted Mrs. Jim Bob coming across the lawn, marching along like a brisk drill sergeant, her arms swinging smartly and her chin leading the way. As always, an aura of conviction and dedication hovered about her, he thought admiringly, giving him as well as the rest of the congregation strength to aid in the battle against wickedness and fornication. Why, he’d put her in the ring with Satan anytime and never once doubt the outcome. He mentally dressed her in a short leather dress and a hood that came just below her eyes so her mouth would be free to tell ol’ Satan what she thought of his wily attempts to lure good Christians into his den of iniquity. She’d pull out a whip and flail his buttocks until he whimpered for mercy. Then she’d put her foot on his chest and look down at him, her face distorted with anger—

“I was looking for you in the Assembly Hall,” she called, interrupting his pleasant reverie. “We can no longer sit in the sunshine and allow this Malachi Hope to destroy our town. It’s time to take action, Brother Verber.”

Uncomfortably aware of a peculiar sensation in his privates, he stood up and held open the screen door for her. “Action, Sister Barbara?”

She continued into the living room and sat on the sofa. “Yes, action. I was tidying some papers on Jim Bob’s desk when I came across some ominous scribbles.”

Aghast, Brother Verber plopped down beside her. “Scribbles like pentagrams and hexes? Jim Bob isn’t turning to devil worship, is he? I had a newsletter from the seminary that said it’s happening more and more these days—especially among the youngsters. This newsletter said we’re facing a worldwide Satanic Panic, and if we don’t stop it, women will be dancing naked and engaging in lustful degradation with their very neighbors and kinfolk.”

“All I said was that I found some scribbles,” she said as she watched the sweat dribbling down the sides of his face and clinging to the tip of his nose. “In this particular case, they had dollar signs attached to ’em.”

He tried to keep the disappointment out of his voice. “Was he working on the family budget?”

“No, he was not, Brother Verber. From what I could tell, he’s been offered two hundred dollars an acre for that land next to Bur’s. That adds up to forty thousand dollars all together.”

“That’s a lot,” he said, gripping her knee so she’d know he was as concerned as she was. “It’s hard to imagine Jim Bob turning down that kind of money just to save the Voice of the Almighty Lord Assembly Hall from the likes of this Malachi Hope fellow.”

She tried to keep her chin from quivering, but it was a lost cause. Her eyes were stinging and her throat was so tight she could hardly swallow back the bitter taste in her mouth. “We can’t let this happen. I tried to talk to Arly, but she wouldn’t listen to a word I said. She was—she was downright flippant, if you must know.” She opened her purse and pulled out a lacy white handkerchief to dab her nose. “I don’t know what to do, Brother Verber.”

He was so touched by this unprecedented display of vulnerability that he allowed his hand to move to her thigh and squeeze her supple flesh. “Don’t you worry about this, Sister Barbara. I have a plan—and a real fine one, if I do say so myself. When you showed up a few minutes ago, I was just running through the details to make sure I hadn’t overlooked anything. Why, a week from now we’ll look back at this and laugh ourselves sick at the way we was all worried.”

“What’s your plan?” she said, sniffling into the handkerchief.

“I can’t tell you until I’ve prayed to the Lord for approval. Sister Barbara, why don’t we both git down on our knees and thank the Lord for sending me a plan to save our little town?”

“If the Lord sent the plan, why do you need his approval?”

Brother Verber clasped his hands together and slid to the floor. “The Lord moves in mysterious ways,” he murmured as he started praying more fervently than he had since he’d been asked to explain in front of most everybody in town why he owned a life-size inflatable doll named Suzie Squeezums.

This was a true test of faith.