18

Natasha Moore—Mid- to Late October (two months before disappearance)

“I’m so glad to be alongside again, aren’t you?”

Natasha looked over at Gary Black, who was hunched over his computer.

He tapped the keyboard a few times and then turned to face her.

“Definitely,” he said.

“I know you’ve done loads of sea time, and I’ve just finished my first three weeks, but I really feel like I’ve earned a night out tonight.”

She saw him smile as she waited for her account to log on.

“I found a used condom in the phone booth on X-deck,” said Natasha, shivering a little bit at how gross it had been when she’d looked down and seen it next to her boot.

Gary looked round and shook his head. “Not nice,” he said.

“Yeah, I think one of the bootnecks is seeing one of the other girls in my cabin. I’d heard they were having alone time there, but he should at least clean up after himself.”

“Royal Marines,” said Gary, as though that explained it all.

“Thing is, I told Jason about it, and now he’s being…”

Natasha tried to think about how Jason was being. He was like a teenager, grunting at her when she spoke, despite the fact that he was twelve years her senior. He was also mentioning Susi all the time, as though her name was a weapon to hurt Natasha with, to score petty points in a game Natasha didn’t even want to play. She’d always liked that he was older, seemed more confident and settled. She’d liked that he didn’t play the games that the boys her age did, that he didn’t pressure her to do things she didn’t want to do yet. She liked how he’d support her in everything, without question; he always backed her, made her believe she could achieve anything, go anywhere, even when it meant leaving his job and bringing her down to Portsmouth to join the navy. He was there for her, always. He was the only person who ever really had been.

“He’s being…” repeated Natasha, still not sure how to put it.

“A dick?” said Gary, without even turning away from his screen.

Natasha looked at his back, thought that she should defend her fiancé, then didn’t, because he was being just exactly that. For the first time ever, he was being a dick. She was going for a night out and she didn’t want to call him before she went, because she knew he’d stress her out and ruin the night for her.

Her account was taking ages to log on. Though she didn’t feel like speaking to Jason, she’d e-mailed him a long letter last night, explaining how he was making her feel, and she was anxious to see whether he’d replied.

She’d been honest and open, about her being away at sea, about him mixing with this Susi woman. She’d told him she didn’t want to be like her parents, her mum particularly, ignoring problems for as long as possible before running away from them to find the next one. She was hoping to catch his reply before she left work to get ready, assuming he’d been able to reply.

Black was looking at her, she could feel it, and she turned back to him while she waited.

“I was thinking, if you wanted,” he began, pausing and looking away as he often did, his cheeks flushing red, “we could hang out or something on this stop? Maybe after work today?”

Natasha was shocked and must have looked it.

“I just mean, like, grab some food and wander into town or something,” he added quickly. “You know, just to kill some time or something.”

Natasha couldn’t help but notice how he’d used several words that he normally wouldn’t and how it made his lisp so much more apparent when he did. She looked at him carefully.

He was a decent boss, and Natasha liked him well enough. He was a little unpredictable, almost huffy at times, a bit too tactile on occasion, and that could feel creepy, but he seemed like a decent guy.

Now she couldn’t tell if she was being asked out on a date by him, something she’d definitely not want to do. She paused and saw him blush again before he stood up and approached her.

“You’ve got something in your hair,” he said, and reached out.

She felt his hand run across her hairline, brushing her cheek.

The awkwardness in the compartment was palpable and she knew the longer she waited to answer, the worse it was going to get.

“Thanks,” she said, as he moved, brushing against her shoulder as he flicked something away that she couldn’t see. “But I can’t tonight.”

He looked at her and walked back to his computer.

“What about nipping out for lunch or something tomorrow or the day after?” Natasha asked.

He nodded but didn’t look back round, instead becoming quickly engrossed in his computer.

“I could use a day hanging out with a really good friend,” she said. “So if you fancied it, we could nip into town. Though I’m not sure you’ll like the shops I’ll want to visit…”

Natasha let her words to trail off, hoping for a smile from him, as they’d often talked about his hatred of shopping, and crowds in general, but he said nothing for a moment, not even turning around.

“Who’re you going out with tonight?” he asked after a long silence.

Natasha tried hard to keep it conversational and upbeat.

“I’m going to see if Jason’s e-mailed me back. Then I’m meeting Mark for a quick run, before we all head into town.” She watched him, hopeful of a positive reaction. “You should come,” she added quickly. “There’s a load of us going.”

“You won’t get anything from lover boy. He’s gone out,” said Black quickly, before tapping on his keyboard again.

Natasha watched for a moment and turned back to her screen, frowning and unsure what Black meant, but not wanting to get further into anything that might lead to her night, or mood, being ruined. She double-clicked on the mail icon.

“We’re heading out pretty much straight after work. So you can come along if you want,” she said. “But everyone’s keen to get going. I’m literally doing a fifteen-minute, high-intensity session and then getting ready and I’m out of here.”

Her e-mail opened up and she saw a message from Jason, immediately clicking on it.

Can’t chat. Heading out. Agree with what you say and will reply properly when back later. Love you. x

Natasha’s stomach seemed to flip as she read the message. It was a massive brushoff. She’d no issue with his going out, of course she didn’t. She was going out tonight herself, and he couldn’t be expected to stay in for three months, although he was supposed to be saving money while she was away so they could get a deposit and move out of the flat they were renting and into something that they’d own, something that was really theirs, to work on, build up, and improve together. They’d both agreed that they wanted to get a place with car parking if possible, maybe a garage in case Jason was ever able to start mobile catering, something he’d really fancied for a long time.

She read the message again, and then again. She’d poured her guts into her e-mail to him. Had come clean about how she felt about their separation and how they could get through this together while she carved out a career for herself in the navy. She’d already talked to Lieutenant Cox about selection for the commissioned ranks through the Upper Yardman scheme. That’d mean more money, better promotion prospects, a better future for both of them.

She’d told him all of that. She’d made it clear that she could only do it if they stayed strong; both of them had come from nothing and only had each other. And after that, all he’d had to say was that he was going out …

Natasha turned to Black.

“How did you know he was going out?” she asked.

Black turned to look at her, confused.

“What?”

“You said I wouldn’t get much from lover boy because he was out. That’s what you said, just a few minutes ago. But how did you know?”

“I don’t know what you mean.” He shook his head as though she was being daft and turned back to his computer.

“That’s what you said. When I said I was going to check my e-mails and then head out, that’s what you said to me.”

He was shaking his head, but not looking at her, acting as though he was engrossed in the work he was doing.

“Gary,” Natasha said, knowing she sounded exasperated and speaking louder than she meant to.

He spun to look at her, his face red, his sudden action making her jump.

“I don’t know what you’re on about and I don’t know who you think you’re talking to,” he said, his breathing deep. “Honestly. I was probably talking about Coker. He’s going out, isn’t he?”

Natasha blinked a few times.

Black was big, but over the short time she’d known him he’d nearly always been friendly, benign even. Now, with his voice raised and his fists balled as he leaned forward in his chair toward her, he was really, really intimidating.

“Okay,” she said, knowing she was on the verge of tears. “Okay, it’s just that…” She paused, not knowing what to say next and feeling tears start to fall. “I’m just going to go to the heads.”

She got up and walked quickly to the door.

Gary Black stood up, too.

“Nat,” he said, reaching out to stop her, his fingers catching her breast as he seized her arm.

“Let go,” Natasha said, spinning to face him.

He kept hold of her arm, easily controlling her, using his one hand on her arm to turn her toward him.

“Let go!” cried Natasha, her voice breaking.

He looked down at his hand on her arm, at his fingers, which easily went all the way around it. There was something in his eyes, something that frightened Natasha as she realized he had forced her up onto her toes, that if he jerked now, he could dislocate her shoulder as easily as he’d carried her bags.

“Apologies” he said, and stepped away from her. “You looked upset. I didn’t want you to be upset.” Natasha froze for a second, confused, then looked at her watch, numb to what had happened.

It was getting late, she didn’t have much time before the working day would be over and she could do some exercise and chat with Mark or Bev, or even Sam, about all of this.

“I’m going,” she said, and turned to leave.

“I’ll need you back,” said Black before she was clear of the door. “Ma’am called down just before you came in. We’ve had some stores arrive that need to be booked in and sorted through. She wants them done tonight, wants me to show you through the process.”

Natasha turned back to look at him.

“But there’s loads,” she said. “That’ll take hours. I thought we were going to work on them in the forenoon tomorrow and get them all done in one go.”

He was smiling again now, his whole demeanor changed. He reached out to wipe a tear from her cheek that she hadn’t realized had escaped until then.

Natasha pulled away, flinching, but he looked friendly again, tolerant, Gary as she normally knew him to be.

“I know, and I’m unhappy, too. I’ll stay with you and we can do it together, but it needs to be done. Ma’am told me literally two seconds before you came in.”

Natasha could feel herself shrinking with disappointment.

“But we had plans,” she said, not sure if she was even speaking to him, or just speaking her thoughts out loud.

“Yeah, well, you’ll need to let Coker know that you’ll meet him later. Okay?”

Natasha nodded, numb. “Okay.”

She turned and began to walk out of the stores office and into the stores flat.

He followed her, put a hand on her shoulder, and turned her back toward him.

“Look. Once we get done, I could take you out for a beer. Make up for it a bit. We’ll be a few hours, so we probably won’t catch the others up, but we could grab food somewhere local. What do you think?”

Natasha looked up and him and smiled as best she could.

“Sure. That’d be great. I bet we could catch up with the others if we try, though. I’ll find out where they’re going.”

He smiled again, though she was sure something changed in his eyes.

“Okay,” he said. “Go and let people know. I’ll wait here for you and then we can get going. I’ll stick the kettle on and we can have a quick brew before we start.”

He nodded at her and turned away, bustling over to the kettle and starting to whistle.