Created and originally directed by Peter Askin.
The Gimmick was originally produced by McCarter Theatre, in Princeton, New Jersey, starring Dael Orlandersmith, with Emily Mann, Aristic Director, and Jeffrey Woodward, Managing Director, February 26 through March 1, 1998.
The Gimmick was presented at Long Wharf Theatre from October 27 through December 6, 1998, starring Dael Orlandersmith, with Douglas Hughes, Artistic Director, and Michael Ross, Executive Director.
The Gimmick was first produced in New York by the New York Theatre Workshop, April 16 through May 23, 1999.
This play was developed in part with the support of the Sundance Theatre.
Dear Alexis,
Mt. Morris Park / bright and sunny today but there is always darkness underneath / Some people survive the darkness / learn from it / face the darkness and conquer it / others do not / I’m sorry to say / your friend Jimmy was found dead among leaves and waste / My hope—my prayer—is that this news will bring you peace. / I’m looking at Mt. Morris Park again as I write this / there is darkness but behind it there is beauty / there is light / Paris, they say, is beautiful this time of year / maybe I’ll visit you there one day / hope to hear from you soon / proudly / Ms. Innis.
It’s 1968 & everybody / they’re listening to Archie Bell & the Drells “Tighten Up” and as they dance, shout their shouts of “Ah, Get it, work out!” and I got a toy / a click clack and the black panthers and the young lords them / they scream, “pick up the gun” / I look up at my house and I see my mother’s cigarette smoke / inside curling, curling toward the ceiling / only women in the living room / no men / only women passing a bottle between them / menless / some are sad about it / being menless / others glad / all I see is my mother’s cigarette smoke / she’s sitting by the window looks out at me waves / her eyes glassy / not out of focus yet / soon they will be / eyelid movements will be slow / not yet.
I continue to play with my click clack / two hard balls hitting together, “Watch it, them things can hurt you if they fly off that string” / Tootsie says to me as she passes and curses / and young boys and young girls come around the block / “she’s fat and doofy” / they point and say, “doofy, you doofy” / and I yell, “your mama is” / they stop, “what I know you didn’t say nothing bad about my mama / I’ll jack you up / mess you up / jack you up” and I say, “let’s go.”
But this boy / he smiles to me / smiles to me not laughed at me / paint in his hair / some of the paint / it had gold flecks and landed on his eyelashes / his eyes were golden / golden eyed black boy smiling to me / “I’m Jimmy / I’m ten years old / I paint I used to live on 145th and Lenox that’s real real real west Harlem / now I live here / we / me and my pops / live here in east Harlem / that’s where we are now / how you doing?” and I smile back / at the boy / Jimmy / “I’m Alexis / I heard about you / they didn’t tell me / the kids ’cause I don’t stick with them / I heard them talking about you / how you paint” / and he smiles at me / and smiles some more and Archie Bell & the Drells sang “now make it mellow.”
And somebody / a man walking down the street with a rakish hat / a drunk man attempting a pimp walk / walking behind two girls / staggering / staggering / stumble man was trying to pimp his walk / wanted the player to be in his walk / he / the man / looked at the girls’ asses slurring “shake that moneymaker” me / I’m laughing / laughing real hard / playing with the click clack / on my stoop / me and Jimmy are on my stoop / watching the drunk man / the stumble man / on the sidewalk / my mother drunk in the window / upstairs in the window with the curling cigarette smoke / with the menless women complaining / and down here this drunken man / trying to pimp “I like young girls / shake that moneymaker” / drunken man with a rakish hat / trying to walk the walk / walk a pimp / cool / tough walk / and I say, “that man is stupid / a stupid man” / Jimmy’s eyes fall / fall to the ground / he chokes / sounds like he’s choking / “that’s my pops.”
We go quiet / real quiet / except for the street sounds and somewhere the music changes to Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell / it’s real quiet / strange how quiet it was / or maybe it seemed quiet / Jimmy more quiet than me.
I hear laughter from my window / my mother still there curling cigarette smoke / thick / thick / her eyes now out of focus / doesn’t see me / I point to her “she’s my mother” and Jimmy looks for a second / looks at my mother she’s got a cigarette and a filled glass in the same hand / Jimmy nods / and says, “grown people, man,” and I say, “yeah / parents.”
Later Jimmy calls from the streets / he’s carrying paper / paper filled with paint and gold / rolled up drawings / taller than he is / huge huge drawings taller than Jimmy / pictures with paint and gold / “Alexis, Alexis” / never rings the bell / “Alexis, Alexis” his eyes big real big / his eyes said, “let me come up / please be my friend, please” / his eyes said / he didn’t say it with words / his eyes said.
I open the door and let him in / my mother’s there / I say, “this is Jimmy, Jimmy’s my friend” / Jimmy’s eyes go to her face / down to the ground to her face down to the ground “he’s not good enough,” her eyes say / “will grow up to be no good,” her eyes say as she looks at the boy / with colors tangled in his hair and raggedy shoes / she knows all this my mother does by looking at the boy’s shoes / by standing above him / looking down at his raggedy shoes and Jimmy knows how she feels but doesn’t have the words / her eyes don’t meet his eyes / he knew / felt / saw / she didn’t think he was good enough.
He mumbles, “your mom don’t like me, Alexis / she don’t like me” / “yeah she does” / “no she don’t / she don’t like me” / “she don’t know you yet / I don’t know you good but I like you / give it time” and me and Jimmy go to my room and he shows me pictures he’s painted / lots of pictures / all over the room / there are pictures of Superman / Superman with captions / DRUGS CAN KILL / Superman living in Mt. Morris Park killing drug dealers / pictures of Superman being friends with a small black boy / SUPERMAN’S BEST FRIEND JIMMY / “He talks to me, Superman does / ‘Jimmy, I will fight all crime / I will not let no one hurt you / you’re my friend / you and all children’ / I tell people he talks to me / they say I’m lying, but I don’t care / he talks to me in a secret language / nobody else can understand” / “I paint Superman ’cause he’s good / see how he can fly, Alexis / he can fly / nobody can touch him / he can fly.”
“What do you like to play, huh, Alexis? / What do you like to do?” / I show him a notebook with a story / I’m scared but I give it to him / my notebook “you can read it,” I say / outside I say, “you can read it” / inside I say, “don’t laugh at me” / outside I say, “I’m going to be a famous writer one day” / inside I say, “don’t laugh at me don’t tell the other kids on the block” / outside I say, “I write a lot even though I’m eight years old. I like to write I’m not like these stupid kids around here” / inside I say, “the other kids don’t like me. They laugh at me. Be my friend you read my story and be my friend.”
He looks at my notebook / frowns / looks and frowns / shakes his head / inside I say, he’s laughing at me, laughing at me, I’ll beat his ass / jack him up for laughing at me / outside I say, “gimme it back / you don’t like it / gimme it back,” and I snatch my book “no no, Alexis, I ain’t good with words” / “I don’t understand” / “me neither” / but he didn’t laugh at me / he was my friend / he didn’t laugh / and I read the story to him.
I read about a girl / a fat girl who lives in a dirty house / then wakes up thin in a clean house / and Jimmy says, “that girl, that’s you right? / Alexis / that girl is you right / I can tell that’s you” / but I say, “it’s my friend it’s not me. I know someone it’s not me” / Jimmy looks long / hard / deep / “no not no friend it’s you, Alexis / it’s you.”
Later we go to Jimmy’s house / his house a motherless house / we’re watching American Bandstand and boys and girls on beaches and Jimmy and me, we’re watching / we’re watching on TV / American Bandstand. Girls and boys dancing on top of cars and behind those cars / in the background is blue water / pure blue / blue water—so pure and we, Jimmy and I, don’t notice that their hair is long and different colors than ours. How their hair sways / ours didn’t / their eyes—blue / green / ours brown / maybe we know but we didn’t know. We were seven and nine or maybe eight and ten and “we’re going to leave Harlem when we grow up” / “leave Harlem / leave the ghetto.” / Gonna grow up and dance on the beach / on top of cars with blue / pure / water / That “we were going to the clean / blue / blue ocean / gonna dance near the ocean on top of old cars.” We’re watching American Bandstand / It’s Saturday and it’s American Bandstand and we’re watching the beach / the kids on the beach / “Look, Alexis. See the water, it’s so clean” “I see it, Jimmy. Yeah it’s real clean. That’s where we’re gonna live / We’re gonna live on the ocean” / Jimmy he screams, “We’ll eat fish right out the ocean / and I’ll paint pictures of the ocean” / fish right out the ocean.
Jimmy’s father steps in front of the television / He’s blocking our view of the ocean / Can’t see the ocean / He turns the TV off / “Y’all watching dat Whitey shit. That got nothin to do wichy’all. Watching that cracker shit. You can’t live like them.” Jimmy’s father looks through him “You stupid lil nigga talkin about how you goin’ somewhere an’ you can’t even read. Can’t even spell Ocean / How you gonna find it?” / He grabs Jimmy by the arm / squeezes / squeezes his arm tight / brings Jimmy to his knees / Clarence looks at me “hey, cute thing / what do you say / oh God you look so cute” Clarence winks at me / I look ahead / Jimmy’s hurt / angry / but determined to be cool / maintain his cool.
Says, “gonna get his money, Alexis / gonna get it / watch and see” / he turns to Clarence / Jimmy stands eyes fixed on Clarence / if looks could kill / but remains cool / Jimmy’s cool / turns to Clarence “Father, would you like me to go to the store? / your gin is low” / Clarence lets go of his arm / mumbles / fumbles / fumbles some more / digs in his pocket / pulls out a twenty / “yeah, yeah, nigga, go to Sam’s, get me my gin.”
We’re outside / “is this a twenty, Alexis?” / Jimmy laughs / Jimmy cries / with gold on his skin / a shining / shining boy / “is this a twenty, Alexis?” / I say, “yeah, Jimmy, it is” / Jimmy smiles a triumphant smile / “my father / so drunk / gave me a twenty / gin only costs three dollars and fifty cents / I don’t care what my father says we’re gonna live like the kids on TV, Alexis.”
Jimmy and me didn’t know / didn’t see black or white / we were kids / we saw / but we didn’t see / We didn’t understand why we couldn’t live like American Bandstand kids on TV / me and Jimmy we prick our fingers / mix blood and say / I love you love me / forever and ever / you and me.
My mother Lenny / Lenore was actually her name / sat by the window in Harlem, smoking / by the window / waiting for her boyfriend who long since stopped coming / still my mother sat smoking and waiting / sometimes when I talked to her she didn’t hear me / she’s looking out the window / smoking and waiting / didn’t hear me / she was dreaming / dreaming / maybe of being young and pretty again / young and thin / she said she was thin when she was young / she said, “thin and pretty / thin and pretty / to be thin means to be pretty” / she shakes her head as if saying, “why can’t you be thin and pretty?”
Lenny moves from the window / not dreaming now / makes me stand on a scale / my flesh measured by numbers / if my flesh weighed less I was good / could do better / my flesh if it were heavier made me bad / evil / “how could you do this / gain weight,” she said / “disgusting,” my mother Lenny said / her flesh hanging loosely over her pelvis / “disgusting,” she says / slapping my buttocks / pulling my arms / I’m eight or nine or nine or eleven / I’m on the scale / my flesh measured by numbers / “disgusting,” she says / her words were worse than the sting of her belt / her words / my mother Lenny’s words left invisible welts / scars / her words / when I close my eyes / made me think of Orange Red Black Blue / I wanted soft words / kind words / words that when I close my eyes made me think of caresses and kisses.
“Dear Diaree: God made me big and fatter than other kids and it makes me feel bad when people call me fatty and I cry sometimes I wonder where people go when they die if they go into the clouds. Heaven is up in the sky and once when I was in a place and we went through a cloud I thought I was gonna see my grandmother but I didn’t and I was sad ’cause I never saw her before and I wanted to say hello so I don’t know where dead people go but I know they leave here and maybe they go through clouds and disappear and sometimes I want to disappear too okay I have to go now bye diary yours Alexis. Oh, ps. I love to read and in school they gave us the Bobsy twins and I like it a lot all the pictures and stuff of them in the books I love and their neighborhood looks clean I wish I had a clean neighborhood to play in okay now I do have to go see you later Alexis.”
It’s summer and Mr. Softie ice cream cone truck is on our block / we heard it before we saw it / Mr. Softie truck / Jimmy runs / tears down the block / “Alexis / come outside / come on ice cream man is here / he’s here / Mr. Softie ice cream cone truck is here / see him / I’m treating / you don’t have money / I’ll treat you / you’re my friend / I’ll treat you” / I run out / meet Jimmy / we’re taking long licks / long wet licks / of our soft cones.
“Know what I heard, Alexis? / Tootsie’s a hoe / yup wearing short dresses / kissin’ on men / she ain’t nothin’ but a hoe / what’s a hoe, Alexis? / you know? / I hear it all the time / hoe this / hoe that / man what’s a hoe / my pops said, ‘boy, women ain’t nothin’ but hoes’ / is that true, Alexis? / when you grow up are you gonna be one? / is your mother one?” / I lick my soft cone, “a hoe is a lady who does it for money / I ain’t lettin’ no man kissin’ on me / nasty / I ain’t doin’ no nasty with no man / my moms ain’t no hoe” and Jimmy licks / shakes his head “my pops says all women are hoes / but maybe you ain’t gonna be a hoe / but I still say / if all women are hoes / when you grow up / how can you not be one? / but I guess that you don’t let nobody touch you / if you don’t scheme out wit nobody, you can’t be no hoe / make sure you don’t scheme out and let some man feel you up / you’ll be a hoe then / if some man tries to make you a hoe don’t worry, I’ll kill him / you’re my friend / you’re not dirty, Alexis / you’re not dirty / you’re my friend.”
Other kids are gathered around / they’re buying cones too / licking sweetness / youthful sweetness / we’re excited by this / licking our ice cream cones we could have been kids anywhere / we were like kids anywhere / the sweetness meant good / the sweetness meant underneath we wanted goodness / we licked our cones / excited by the sweetness which felt good going down our throats / melting in our stomachs / the goodness melted in our stomachs / we wanted goodness to melt in us / we the kids in Harlem / like all kids / any place / jumping toward the ice cream man / screaming toward the ice cream man / we’re reaching for goodness / we’re reaching for the sweetness of childhood / the sweetness meant no Gimmicks / no hustle / we the kids in Harlem / were sweet / it was there / it is there / the hope / the sweetness / There was / is a Beauty in Harlem / Beyond Gimmicks and Hustles / Next to Gimmicks / Hustles / there is a Beauty / back then me and Jimmy had hope.
Later, we’re older. Wise to the Gimmick but me and Jimmy don’t wanna pick it up like Sukie / this girl in our block / who steals a car / She’s “gonna leave Harlem,” she says / “riding a car” / a stolen car / “wanna leave it all behind,” she says / in a stolen car. Me and Jimmy knew it / The Gimmick / but didn’t want it / Not like Sukie / not like Tootsie / or anybody who went down with Tootsie / in Tootsie’s house / Jimmy’s father had Tootsie / Everybody’s father had Tootsie / her house was full of hustle ’n’ Gimmicks / hustle ’n’ Gimmicks / anybody who had the silver / the people White Black Yellow Brown / all Tootsie cared about was anybody who had the silver “Nigger Whitey Spic Chink” I don’t care she said / Tootsie was always talkin’ about men / dope / money / Her house was the low place / filled with men / dope / money / any way she could get it / and sometimes her Gimmick / she tried to make it soft / make herself delicate / tried to Gimmick being a “Lady” (imitates her) “I can’t stand here wichall. I got to go and get dressed ’cause John is coming. Gotta look good for John.” And we laugh at Tootsie / ’cause all men to her are named John / like Jimmy’s father / anybody’s father / it was hard for Jimmy to take. For Jimmy knowing his father was with Tootsie / “Why” / “Why’d he have to go to her / my father / Why my father,” he said / why anybody’s father / Tootsie has five men named John / those five men got wives ’n’ kids / and me I laugh and Jimmy half laughs and says, “Oh John’s comin? Which one / Tootsie?” / She bends over / throws up her gown and says, “Kiss my ass / kiss it / y’all can kiss my ass” / with Tootsie it all boiled down to ass / cash / money / dope / the total Gimmick / (Beat) How could anybody stand that? How could Jimmy stand it?
We were always old, still we got older and more guarded / I mean you had to / you became more guarded in the neighborhood / with family that don’t / can’t understand ’cause they can’t take any more in / ’cause with them it’s / Do you have some Gimmicks / you drug it / you drink it / Do you have some more / they can’t won’t take anything in / can’t see it / not clearly cos it was / is can you drug it / drink it / can you snort it / can I drug / drink some more / can I fuck it / drug it / drink it? Do you have a set of Gimmicks I can shoot this with? And the Gimmick is also / looking at the cracks in your wall you call home / realizing it’s a ghetto / your home is a ghetto / wanting to leave it but not having the courage / the Gimmick is not reinventing yourself / thinking someone owes you something / the Gimmick is being down, so low, low to the Ground not knowing / realizing you have a choice / or maybe you do realize you have a choice / and you care and leave / or don’t care at all and stay / don’t care
and you shoot it
cut it
stomp it
scream it
The Gimmick is blood / a blood circus / how much blood can pour onto the streets of Harlem / on our block in Harlem / there’s the Gimmick / there’s the Gimmick / gonna live by it / die by it / the Gimmick / back then we knew we wanted more.
I grasped books / hungered to read / which is how I found the library / I knew that the library was filled with books about the Bobbsey Twins / There were words / words and more words / It was quiet / no fights / loud music / quiet / still / and I read here / I write here / none of the kids on the block come here / “it’s corny” / they say / they see me going in / or going out “fat doofis goin to the library / fat doofis” / I yell, “mind your fucking business.”
(Beat) The lady that works there / stares at me / she stares at me / outside I say “hello” / go through books / listen to certain records / write in my diary. Inside I say, “why is she looking at me? What did I do wrong? / Did I do something wrong?”
The lady just stares / stares / I turn my back / focus on books / the books are worn / some have pages missing / I don’t care / I take the books / the pages / sometimes I smell the pages / like inhaling words.
I’m aware how the light hits the books / How the dust rises with the light / the sunlight specifically hitting the books that very few people here read / I want to read all these books / I get upset when I see that they’re torn / why can’t the books have all the pages? / I think when I grow up I’m gonna have a house filled with books / every room will be filled with words.
My mother says I should get out more / “be more with the kids,” she says / they don’t like me / the kids just want to play all the time / I like to play but not all the time / I like quiet / quiet and books / when I read books / words / I close my eyes and let the words help me get to places / with words / I close my eyes / I don’t see Mt. Morris Park / or a set of used, broken gimmicks / I close my eyes / I see towers, endless landscapes / when I open them / when I open my eyes / words disappear / I see the ghetto / where I live / smell the stench of where I am.
Later I want other things to read / I want to read about people like me / I go to the lady that’s always staring / I lie: “I have to write a paper about somebody from Harlem that became famous” / “you come in a lot / I’ve seen you for a long time reading / writing in your journal” / outside / I say, “yeah” / Inside I say, “you think I’m a joke? / Don’t laugh at me / I’m not a joke.”
The lady / the librarian says / “Books are good / words are tools / people who write books put ideas on paper and let us know we’re not alone” / outside I say, “oh good” Inside I say, “why is she telling me this? / what does she want?”
The lady librarian brings a book / she sits next to me at a table / “this man came from the streets of Harlem / he used words to carry him off the streets of Harlem and yet take aspects of Harlem with him / his words / his use of words are universal / what’s your name?” / “Alexis” / “Alexis, you like books / love books / this is good / very good / use words, Alexis / let those words help form ideas / this writer I speak of / this man / this great man from Harlem did that / James Baldwin / his name is James Baldwin” / she looks toward Mt. Morris Park / toward noise.
There’s a man and a woman / “motherfucker, I need twenty dollars / I’m sick / I need my wake up shot / I need to get off” / the woman’s crying / moving side to side shaking / her need to gimmick is strong / her nose / running / her nose is running / the man tries to block her blows / “I don’t have twenty dollars / what’s wrong witchoo / I ain’t got it / I’m sick too / I need my wake up shot too / I don’t have / twenty dollars.”
The librarian shakes her head “ ‘People who don’t invent themselves / who are so bitter / so blinded / who cease to question / have made peace with defeat’ / he said that” / “Don’t waste yourself / Don’t / read / use words / go to libraries / see other places like Baldwin / Don’t waste yourself” / She lends me James Baldwin / the book Another Country / “somebody may say, ‘this is too grown-up / why are you giving this to a child / she’s barely a teenager’ / but what’s in here / you’ve seen / you’ve heard / you’re a Harlem child / a child of Harlem / you know / use the words, Alexis / use them / drink them / don’t waste them don’t waste yourself / you’re too young to leave Harlem but for now, see places beyond Harlem in books / see things, Alexis, don’t waste.”
Outside I say, “what’s your name?” / her eyes return to Mt. Morris Park / “Ms. Innis” / outside I say, “I gotta go now, Ms. Innis / see you later” / I get up and leave with James Baldwin / outside I play cool / nod and say, “that was cool.” Inside I say, “thank you.”
I read Baldwin / James / Jimmy Baldwin / That night I call Jimmy / “Man, we gotta / start to hang outside of Harlem / we gotta go to other kinds of movies not just Bruce Lee flicks / ever read Jimmy Baldwin / his name is Jimmy / just like you / there are more libraries / better libraries than on 124th St. / Man, Jimmy, we gotta take the subway Downtown / it’s only a subway ride Downtown / we can get there / no time for Gimmicks man / the world’s big / let’s take the subway downtown.”
A Harlem Black boy and a Harlem Black girl and “California Dreamin’s got nothin’ to do with us” / Me and Jimmy are ten and twelve or maybe eleven and thirteen, we’re walking / walking Downtown / walking together / we always walked on Saturdays / “Downtown Saturday” where the beat of the street changes / there’s sound but not noise / We do this / can do this / not just on “Downtown Saturday” / Monday. Wednesdays any schooldays / or days we want / when some teacher / who doesn’t get what we’re saying / can’t hear / feel what we’re saying / you got classroom / me and Jimmy got the streets—“Let’s meet on Ninty-sixth Street and Madison Avenue, Alexis” and I say, “Okay, Jimmy” and we’re on the streets / on the streets / a group of Downtown kids say to each other—“Let’s go to the museum,” / Jimmy and me we look at each other—“Let’s go, Alexis / wanna go? / Let’s go / never been to no museum before / let’s go.”
We go / the Modern / we go / drink Picasso / He grabs my hand / “That’s me, Alexis / that’s how I feel / damn, that’s it / that’s it / if I could only paint like this, Alexis. I probably can’t” / I say, “You will, Jimmy, you will.”
Later we’re in a bookstore / I fondle / caress books /
“My mother taught me purple
Although she never wore it
Wash gray was her circle
The tenement her orbit
“My mother reached for beauty
And for its lack she died
My mother taught me purple
She could not teach me pride”
“I’m gonna do this, Jimmy. Gonna be a word magician. And you’re gonna paint, paint great art / Gonna make great art / They’re not gonna touch us.”
For many days we sat on Harlem stoops exchanging / trading dreams he’d say, “okay, Alexis, you go first” / “I’m gonna be a famous writer. I’m gonna go to Paris / find James Baldwin and tell him I’m from Harlem too. / Now you” “I want to be a famous painter like Picasso” I say, “Jimmy, you’re gonna be better than Picasso,” and Jimmy and I, we’re no longer on a Harlem stoop / we are on the Champs-Elysées / the Left Bank and we are drinking coffee / on the Left Bank / we sit in cafes at night with Picasso, Baldwin, we’re drinking espresso, smoking / we’re smoking Gauloise, drinking wine ’n’ cognac / we dine on cheese and bread / Harlem’s long gone / long gone / Hustlers and Gimmicks finally put to rest. With knees clasped to our chins we huddled on the stoop together / swearing / when we grow up we could do it / you and me / we can do it us / you / me / together / gonna put this ghetto thing down / gonna turn our back on this ghetto thing.
If I could unlock all the doors / break all the locks / break
down doors and locks / I’d come out / but I hear voices /
and the voices / the voices are hard / I retreat again
I write this / show it to Ms. Innis / sitting at our table in the library / Ms. Innis sits with her back to Mt. Morris Park / her eyes on me / she smiles / I like it, Alexis / you keep writing / I think you should / I play cool / outside playing cool / inside I say, “is she just playing with me? She’s full of shit. Does she mean it? She’s full of shit. She better not be playing with me / I’ll hit her / I don’t care how old she is” / outside I say, “can I bring you things I’ve been doing / writing poems and stuff?” / I look out at Mt. Morris Park / playing cool / trying to play cool / waiting for her answer / scared of her answer / need a yes / want a yes from her / Ms. Innis reaches for my hand / “Alexis, I’d be honored” / her hand is warm on my hand / I love her / wish she were my mother / I want to tell her I love her so bad / outside I answer, “cool”
I spend time in the library writing / reading / dreaming / Ms. Innis sneaking me sandwiches and hot tea / “you’re not supposed to eat here, it’s our secret,” she says / her body, Ms. Innis’s body, was big, strong, graceful / nails always clipped / she smelled of perfume / scents she collected from places I read about in books / “you’re a strong, healthy girl, Alexis / You don’t know it yet / I hope you find it / for yourself / you’re something special” / I say nothing / I drink my tea / eat the sandwich that she made for me / Ms. Innis called me “special” / inside I feel warm / even pretty for a minute / but I have to go home soon / I say, “I have to leave soon / not now / but soon” / I continue to drink my tea / I eat my sandwich.
The next week Jimmy brings me to his teacher’s studio / Mr. Kaufman’s studio / He smiles a slow smile, talks in a cool voice / a voice trying to be cool because he’s really excited / “I have the key / Mr. Kaufman gave me the key / says I can paint here whenever I want / Mr. K, he’s a brother / he’s a brother / and know what else he said, Alexis? / He said, ‘Jimmy / you have something special to give the world / so special’ / I want to be / I want to be so bad, Alexis / so bad / if I could be great, Alexis” / he stops / looks around at Mr. Kaufman’s studio / then in a whisper / more like a whisper / says, “God, Alexis / God / maybe there is one / a God / huh, Alexis? / maybe there is one / I feel so good, man” / he spins and grins / spins grins / stops / “maybe I can’t, Alexis / maybe I don’t deserve to do good” / and I say, “naw, man, hush, hush / cut that / cut that / Jimmy” / “Damn, Alexis,” he lights a joint / I say, “Naw Naw, Jimmy, you don’t need it / it’s good with Mr. Kaufman / you don’t need to do that / no, you’re great, trust me, heart to heart.”
Jimmy paints / paints angry pieces / frightened black boys / frightened black girls / crying black boys / crying black girls / Harlem’s Munch / there’s one piece / one / a black boy / a black boy in a chair with colors / colors of Orange, Red, Black ’n’ Blue / this boy sits in a chair by a kitchen window in Harlem / looking through locked bars onto an empty street / the boy’s eyes are wide / sad / “know what I call that piece / I call it Solo / that’s the name of it, man / Solo.”
It was the color spectrum of pain / pain in total color / slashes of light / color / Jimmy knew it from Clarence / I knew it from Lenny / How each slap / punch / was a spectrum of orange red black blue.
One day I say to Jimmy, “Let’s make the colors happy colors / not just hurt colors / let’s make them happy” / Jimmy frowns / frowns some more “What do you mean, Alexis?” / I say, “Not just orange-red blood, Jimmy / Think of something good with orange-red” / Jimmy says, “I can only think of blood, Alexis” / “But blood keeps you alive, Jimmy / Think about it keeping you alive / Like when we go to Paris / blood keeps you alive” / Jimmy grins / grins some more / “Red, orange blood is life / not just pain / it’s life” / And I say, “Yeah, Jimmy / life.”
I’d watch him and he’d paint me / I’d let him paint me / he’d paint me heavy boned / heavy eyelidded like Picasso’s women / he’d paint my hands, large expressive / my shoulders sloping big fine boned / He’d see the browns and yellows of my shoulders and I say, “You should paint my breast too, Jimmy” / His eyes get big / “Yeah okay / you sure” / “Yeah, I’m sure” / I remove my shirt / it was strange / in Jimmy’s room / it was still / quiet / still and strange.
Then it got fine / real fine / “You’re doing it, Jimmy, just like Picasso.” / We’re gonna go, Jimmy. We’re gonna go to Paris. We’ll meet twice a week / you paint me / I’ll write / we’ll go / When we’re eighteen we’ll go.
Now Jimmy really begins to paint me / before it was pencils / crayons / sketches / now he is totally on canvas / painting me on canvas like Picasso’s women / heavy boned / heavy eyelidded / Jimmy glows “this is for you, Alexis / do you like it / man, I hope you like it / couldn’t have done it without you / you my muse / you my muse, Alexis girl” / glowing / glowing / he gives me my portrait / a swirl of colors / not just Orange Red Black and Blue / my portrait was gold / I saw gold / I was gold / “now everybody can see it, Alexis / How beautiful you are” / Jimmy made me look / strong / beautiful / Perhaps Jimmy saw those things because those things were in him / strength / beauty / but he didn’t know it / He didn’t know he was filled with so many colors / not just hurt ones / many ones. / We set a time twice a week / I’d sit before him naked. “Big is more better. Notice how Picasso makes his girls Big, Alexis?” And I’d write and read my words in Broad strokes / He broad stroked with paint / I with language / I’d create color with language / And the world was endless / Endless strokes of paint / Endless words on paper / How endless the world was.
“Alex, man, Mr. Kaufman / that dude / he’s money / guess what? / I showed my paintings / drawings of you / he loved it, Alexis, loved it” / I get angry, “that’s between you and me, Jimmy? / That man / he saw me naked? / that’s between you and me / why’d you do that?” / Jimmy says, “no, no, no, Alexis, just like Picasso’s women / remember? / not about sex / you know that / like Picasso’s work / know what else he said? / he said, ‘that this work can take you far, Jimmy’ / and he showed my work to a friend of his who’s got a gallery downtown / you believe that shit, Alexis? / and the man wants to show my work in his gallery / you believe it?”
We go see Clarence in his bar the Silver Rail / wearing another rakish hat / Clarence / still trying to pimp / still trying to talk to “young girls” / “whachoo want, man, whachoo doing in here?” / Jimmy’s excited / jumping / almost dancing / Jimmy’s almost dancing says, “Pop, check this out / a teacher, my teacher in school / he likes my artwork / and he showed it to a friend of his / and his friend owns a gallery / and his friend wants to show my work / my work / Pops / that’s cool, right” / Clarence / mumbles in his gin / drinks deeply of his gin / looks me up and down / “grow’n up, huh, Alexis / gettin’ you a fine frame / fine frame / somebody gonna get to it soon,” he says / eyeing a woman in a short skirt / “Did you hear me, Pops / Pops, did you hear me?” Jimmy said / Clarence is still looking at the girl in the short skirt / the short short skirt.
“How much money you makin’ / you makin’ money wit dat drawin’? / them whiteys payin’ you?” / Jimmy stops dancing / “I don’t know / I mean / I didn’t ask / Mr. Kaufman’s my friend / I trust him” / Clarence fans his hand away / “boy—cut dat drawin’ shit out, man / don’t come in my bar wit dat bullshit / whynchoo shoot some hoops, man / don’t come in he’ah / comin’ in my bar wit dat” / Clarence turns to the girl in the short skirt / “shake dat moneymaker” using old-timey slang “shake that moneymaker” old-timey slang / Jimmy’s head goes / down / down / “let’s leave, Alexis” / I say, “don’t worry, Jimmy. He’ll be sorry after you get famous / you’ll see / fuck him.”
It’s amazing / what parents can do / how they can beat you and say it’s all right / I gave birth to you / I can beat you / I feed you / I can beat you / I clothe you / I can beat you / I can talk to you any way I want / I brought you in this world / I can talk to you any way I want / I’m trying to teach you / I’ll knock your head off / If I have to / I can talk to you any way I want / you’re not grown / you don’t pay bills here / I can talk to you any way I want / try and leave / you don’t like it / try and leave / I’ll talk to you any way I want / wanna scream child abuse / go ahead / I don’t care / I gave birth to you / I’ll talk to you any way I want / I go first / you’re nothin’ / I’m the parent / I go first / compared to me you’re nothing / wanna scream child abuse? / go ahead / who do you think you are / you think you’re gonna rule me / do you hear me talking to you / you’re nothin’ / I’m the parent / you’re the child / I brought you here / in this world / I gave birth to you / I pay the bills / I go first / I can talk to you any way I want / (Beat) Parents—They’re a real Gimmick.
We go downtown to the gallery / we’re walking / running toward it / “Come on, Alexis, gotta surprise for you, girl / you’ll dig this / you’re gonna be surprised” / I see me / nudes of me on the wall / Jimmy’s nudes of me on the wall / it was me / and it was Jimmy / Jimmy stares / squeezing my hand / “That’s my work up there, Alexis / that’s me up there / see it? / that’s you up there / you’re my best friend and muse. God that’s me on that wall / I’m not famous like Picasso yet / not yet / maybe I will one day be, huh, Alexis?” / He swirls / whirls / dances / jumps / “I’m an artist, Alexis / I’m fifteen years old and I’m a real artist / I’m on the wall with other artists / I’m in a gallery / a for real gallery.”
The next week is the show / the official show / the official opening / “Oh God, Alexis / I got no clothes, man / I got no good clothes / I got to be clean for this opening / we both do / do you have clothes? / cool clothes? / we gonna deck out for this, Alexis / we gonna be totally decked out, Alexis / I’ll buy you a new dress / need a new dress / I’ll buy you one / we’ll go in a taxi too, Alexis / we’ll go in a taxi / we’ll come back in a taxi / decked out, Alexis, girl / we gonna be decked out!” / we go to antique stores in the East Village / I find it hard to find pretty things in my size in department stores / they’re ugly / polyester / old lady clothes / we go to the East Village ’cause / “we want to look like real artists / ’cause we are real artists / no disco people” / I said, “we gonna look cool / way cool / not like disco people / we’re gonna be great.”
Jimmy gets a forties suit / baggy jacket and pants / black / “I got a white shirt to wear with this / silk / no tie / don’t need no tie” / we find an aviator scarf / a long black scarf / Jimmy wraps it around his neck and grabs a beret / “I got it, Alexis / I’m gonna wear this / this is how I’m gonna look!”
We go to the women’s section / I’m still having a hard time finding things in size sixteen / the dresses are still old lady dresses / polyester and sickly yellow / I’m getting depressed / more depressed / I’m feeling fat / ugly / fatter / uglier / “Jimmy, there’s nothing for me here / nothing / I’m glad we got something for you / but there’s nothing here for me / I’m mad / I’m getting madder” / Jimmy says, “don’t worry, Alexis / Mr. K’s daughter / Genevieve / her name is Genevieve / she works in Fiorucci’s / you know the clothing store? / maybe she can help / let’s go.”
We hop another train / get off at Fifty-ninth Street / go into Fiorucci’s / there is throbbing disco music / small / skinny girls with blue / pink / orange hair / some of the clothing is interesting / nothing in my size / Jimmy is talking to a girl / a white girl / a white girl dressed in white and beige / a skinny white girl / I get cold / for a minute / I get cold.
“Hi, I’m Genevieve / Jimmy says you need something to wear / how about a long shirt with a vest / we can do that / there are no dresses in your size / but there’s some nice shirts that are long / they cover the hips and you can wear a cool vest Annie Hall type vest” / and before I can answer Jimmy yells, “yeah, yeah / I’ll buy it / yeah, Alexis.”
Genevieve goes to get the shirt and vest / Jimmy yells again / “she’s cool / doesn’t she look cool, Alexis / she looks like something out of Modigliani / doesn’t she look great?” / I look at Genevieve / the white Modigliani girl / the white Modigliani girl dressed in cool white and beige / I get cold for a moment / I feel fat / ugly next to her.
(Beat) She comes over smiling and hands me the long shirt / “see, it’s nice / covers the hips / here’s the vest” / it’s a long white shirt / tailored man’s shirt and vest / it covers my hips / I roll up the sleeves / it looks okay / it looks okay / I say, “it looks okay / thanks” / she / Genevieve / doesn’t try to sell me bad clothes to look bad / she doesn’t / doesn’t have to / the clothes are fine / Genevieve knows the world likes thin skinny girls / skinny / thin / white Modigliani girls / the world does not like big / black / girls at all / not at all.
Opening night / Jimmy’s downtown / leaves without me / calls, “Sorry, Alexis, had to get there early.” / I say, “cool” / I put on my spandex / shirt / beret / neighborhood people stare / some mumble, “weird” / “looks like a butch” / I don’t care / I’m a full full Picasso woman / I’m walking Harlem streets feeling strong and cool / strong and cool / off the subway to the gallery / half running / half walking / I get there strong and cool.
I get to the gallery / first paintings I see / Genevieve / Jimmy’s portraits of Genevieve / Genevieve’s orange / red paints / not hurt oranges / not hurt reds / bold / her colors were bold / her hair flying / lips parted / kittenish / silent sighs / lips meant to kiss / Genevieve’s got lips boys want to kiss / she’s got lips they get lost in / Jimmy / does Jimmy want to get lost / get lost / her thin lips / his full lips / lost in Genevieve / in her kisses / go to Paris / cool breeze walk / with Genevieve in Paris.
I go through the gallery / all the people / white people in the gallery / they smile / tight smiles / men / women / rich rich / they seem rich / they surround Jimmy / smiling / they surround him / some of their hair sways / like on TV / long straight / swaying hair / like on TV / holding drinks close to them / talking close together
I think he’s interesting
I don’t see Picasso at all
The wine is very good
Who’s this Jimmy again
I think he’s talented
Are he and Genevieve going together
Jimmy, are you really from Harlem
He has an interesting way of using color—I do see the Picasso influence
I don’t understand
Music is playing / Stravinsky they taught us in school / Stravinsky / Rite of Spring / then Parker / Charlie Parker / they the white people / bop to Parker / cigarettes and drinks / some in the same hand / other hands separate / others have hands that dangle cigarettes / looking at paintings / drinking / smoking / I spot Jimmy.
He’s got a cigarette and wineglass in the same hand / he never heard of / he’s never heard of this wine / I walk up to them / Genevieve / she’s holding her glass / she knows wine / she holds her glass / knowing wine / I feel awkward / she gives me kisses / one on each cheek / “like in Paris” / Jimmy does the same / mimicking a Paris kiss / “gonna find out about this Paris kiss, hunh? hunh, Alexis?”
Mr. Kaufman / he takes pictures of them / people surround them / taking pictures of them / they hug each other / pictures of them hugging each other / crowd moves in more / I’m pushed out / Jimmy / he looks at me / not saying what his eyes are saying / His eyes say, “it’s not my fault, it’s not my fault.” / looks at me / yells / “stay, Alexis, stay!”
I go outside / my legs no longer mine / try to hail a cab / none stop / some slow down / see I’m black / drive on / others don’t acknowledge me at all / I’m invisible / I’m black / invisible / I’m anxious to leave / I want to go back to Harlem / I want to go back to my house / decrepit / violent / I don’t belong down here / finally, I get in a cab / one stops / I get in the cab, no longer wanting to be a Picasso girl / I get uptown / I get inside the house / “I don’t belong here either / with Jimmy I thought I belonged” / I take off the blouse / sit in a chair in the dark / for hours / watching the sun over Mt. Morris Park go from orange to purple to black.
For months / days / nights become the same / I’m watching people’s lips move but I can’t hear their voices.
I can see them together / he and Genevieve I see them / in my mind / I see them together / I wanna slice them / cut deep / wanna see blood / spill / spread / my Gimmick is strong / I’m walking / then walking faster / I still walk downtown / walking / downtown / walking solo / feeling bad / feeling so low / wanting to fight / it’s no longer downtown Saturdays / It’s solo / solitary Saturdays / no Jimmy / I go to movies / museums / libraries / I go alone / Jimmy’s always in the foreground.
I see a girl / see / a rich white girl / I’m walking downtown / she’s walking uptown / Jimmy’s in the foreground / as always I see him / in the foreground / she looks at me smiles / smiles at me / I stop / knowing she’s smiling at me / I stop / block her / not touching her / don’t have to / I’m bigger / taller / I block her and say, “what you laughing at / what’re you lookin at? I’ll fuck you up, bitch / the girl / the white girl / turns to walk past / I block her / she turns to walk past / I block her again / she says, “why what did I do to you / I wasn’t laughing at you / I smiled and said hello / what’s wrong with you? / what are you doing / I said ‘hi’ / that’s all” / outside I say, “fuck you, bitch / you think I’m funny” / inside I say, “what am I doing?” / the girl / the girl who’s white says, “why? / why do you want to hurt me?” / outside I say, “get out of my face / punk bitch / fuck you / punk white bitch” / inside I say, “my God what am I doing / she seems nice” / I let her pass / continue walking downtown / solo / and Jimmy’s always in the foreground.
There’s a day I call Jimmy / I can’t stand it / not talking to him / “Alexis, man / I’m moving up in the world / wish me well / I can’t bullshit around / Genevieve is doing stuff for me / wish me well” / I say, “she’s using you / white girl, man / that’s what it is / she’s rich / white / and using you / she comes up here to Harlem / then goes back downtown / up here for kicks / downtown to live / I’m telling you / listen / you’ve got to / Jimmy / listen to me” / he cuts me off / yelling / he’s never done that / yell at me before “you jealous, Alexis / jealous / you’ve never talked color before / what’s with that / that racist shit / we were never into that shit / I’m going places / you jealous / I gotta go” / I scream back / “I was not prejudiced / not before / I was not / now I am / I hate white girls / I never was / I do now / I hate that bitch / I hate you too / you’re nothin’ / you’re a nigger / Jimmy / A no good fucking punk nigger / I hate you / I hate that filthy white bitch too” / Jimmy yells back, “fuck you / jealous ugly bitch / fuck you / I hate you.”
I wish I were invisible / I despise nice days / nice days bring kids out onto the streets / I go to school / come home / do homework / housework / do some of what my mother tells me / I’m hard / I curse God / always I curse God / there is no God / he’s never been in my corner / I hate Jimmy / I love Jimmy / can’t we go back / why can’t we go back / I hear the teacher’s voices / they don’t make sense / outside I go, “yeah, yeah, okay right” / everybody is “yeah, yeah, okay alright” / Inside I say, “I want to die / I hate living / I want to die” / food has no taste / I dress not prettily / clothing to hide in / words mean nothing / books just reflect / don’t change / it’s not real / I can’t take words in / don’t care to take words in / in my journal I write disappear / disappear / I can hear no one / nothing / I can’t watch people / can’t watch people hold hands / kiss / families / boyfriends and girlfriends / love / there is no love / no such thing / it doesn’t exist / no one cares / I don’t care / who cares.
Ms. Innis comes to my house / what is she doing here / she can’t see me like this / I don’t want her to see me like this / I can’t look her in the face / don’t want to look her in the face / “Alexis. I haven’t seen you in months. Why don’t you come to the library?” / She hears Lenny’s slurred voice / I close my eyes / want to disappear / Lenny yells / slurry / slurry / “who is it?” / comes to the door / vodka glass filled / cigarette in the same hand / I close my eyes / I want to disappear / Ms. Innis’s voice gets soft / “I’m Ms. Innis from the library / I’d like to speak with Alexis.”
Lenny’s eyes are out of focus / she tries to become Mother / Maternal / tries to talk proper / tries not to be slurry / “Let her in, honey” / Lenny, she calls me honey / slurringly calls me honey / “Alexis, honey, take her to the living room / take her. Pleased to meet you” / she’s Gimmicking the proper lady / trying to be a proper lady / she, Lenny, was in the company of a proper lady / Ms. Innis / Ms. Innis was a true lady / she, Lenny, knew it / tried to emulate it / she, Lenny, couldn’t touch it.
I close my eyes for a second and I let Ms. Innis in / she sees the house / inside I say, “God, let me disappear” / the furniture / the smell in here / outside I play like I don’t care / “I’ve been busy, Ms. Innis / I haven’t had time / in fact, I’m not into the book thing anymore” / Ms. Innis closes her eyes / “words / books / words, Alexis, are important / don’t give up on them / I will not let you give up on them / do you hear me? / use words / use them / your friend Jimmy / I’ve seen him / I know he hurt you, Alexis / deeply / I know how deeply you feel this hurt / Alexis, you need to feel it / then use it / put it into words / like James Baldwin / I will not let you waste it / you will not / we have the Russian writers to read next / you and I / one in particular / Tolstoy / who said, ‘art is not a handicraft. It is a transmission of feeling experienced by the artist’ / you are an artist, Alexis / you are ashamed for me to see how you live / your mother / your mother, Alexis / I’ve known mothers like yours / trust me / books are the answer, Alexis / you are an artist / you don’t believe it yet, but you are / words / I will force words down your throat.”
Ms. Innis gets up / her eyes locked on mine / “I’ll see you tomorrow? / we’ll discuss Tolstoy / there’s also an Austrian writer we’ll talk about named Kafka / we’ll see each other tomorrow / Agreed? / We are seeing each other tomorrow.” / outside I say, “yeah, yeah, Ms. Innis, yeah I’ll be there” Inside I chant, “Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy” / Inside I say, “disappear / disappear / I just want to disappear.”
Jimmy comes to the house one day / strange him coming to the house / colorless / no color around him / not shining / no glow / I watch his shadow / can’t believe he’s come / I can’t move / for a second I just watch his shadow / I go to the door / I don’t open it / I go to the door / he smiles / nervous / frightened / I think of when we first met / I think of when he came to the house for the first time as a child / a small boy child / I don’t open the door / through glass / through the glass of the door he says, “Alexis, how you doin’?” / sees I’m hurt / I think he sees / I want him to / I’m so glad to see him / I won’t tell him / I’m confused / I won’t tell him / I say cold / low / “What do you want? / I’m surprised you’re not with Genevieve / she cut you loose? / I hope she cut you loose.”
His head jerks down to his shoes, then to my eyes / “Alexis, I’m sorry / I’m so sorry / I got caught up / It came so quick / in my face so quick / I thought I made it / I did / I did make it / I was looking way beyond Harlem / Paris was right there / I could touch it, Alexis / I could touch Paris / Mr. K / Genevieve / I felt like somebody / they made me feel like somebody” / I’m still cold / not as cold and low as before but still cold / he sags into the glass as if reaching for me / he wants me to touch back / I want to but don’t / through glass he says, “Alexis, I’m sorry, so sorry / please / tell me we’re cool / we can be cool again” / outside I say, “I don’t know, man, it’s not that simple” / inside I say, “I want to so bad” / Jimmy looks at me through glass.
He leans / seems to sag further into the glass / and a hush voice—not quite a whisper / “listen, Alexis, I’m sorry I have to ask you this / don’t hate me / but the portrait I painted of you / I need it / I know I gave it to you / if there’s a way I’ll get it back, but I need it / I can’t explain why / please don’t hate me / I swear / I’ll paint you again / but for now I need the portrait.”
I go / I get it / my portrait / Jimmy gave me a piece of myself / now he’s taking it away / myself / he’s taking it away / but I gave it to him / I had to give him the portrait / I half open the door / “Here it is, man, take it, sell it, I don’t care” / remembering / dreaming on the stoop / remembering Mr. Softie Ice Cream / I’m not sure what I am / how I feel / Jimmy takes it / smiling at the portrait.
Later that night I see Jimmy go into Tootsie’s house / glides to Tootsie’s place / “my God, Jimmy. Not there,” I think, “Not there.” that was the last place / can’t get any lower there / that’s the house of Gimmicks / the cop spot / the shooting gallery and we said we didn’t want to go there / “What are you doing there, Jimmy,” I screamed / “What the fuck are you doing down there” / Not down to all her Gimmicks / men ’n’ dope / anything for money Gimmick / men and dope / buy this / steal that / people nodding / scratchin’ / cokin’ / drinkin’ / chokin’ / and somebody’s babies / Motherless / Fatherless babies / some naked / some dirty / and Tootsie a hard woman / hardrock woman / Shank and Shoot woman / a throw down woman / and the people that hang in her place / Dark men / Dark women / Don’t care / ‘Got nothin’ to lose people’ / but Jimmy’s got everything to lose.
I’ve got everything to lose and I go down / down to Tootsie’s I see Jimmy’s eyes / glassy / shiny / skin dull / colorless / no coloring / about to be Black ’n’ Blue skinned / somebody’s liquor in his hand / just like his father / “Don’t do it, Jimmy. Like your father does / with your cup filled / Slurry like your father, Jimmy. We’re going to Paris c’mon, Jimmy / We’re goin, you and me / you and me to Paris.”
“Yo, shut up” / somewhere I recognize a voice / I think / I say, “Fuck you.” / As he scratches and nods / scratches and nods / skin dull / colorless / about to be Black ’n’ Blue / Jimmy says, “Why you do that / Why you wanna do that / he’s awright / he’s cool” And I can’t believe he’s defending a Darkman / Gangster man over me.
I get up I leave / On my way out Tootsie offers me Stuff ’n’ Gimmicks / Stuff ’n’ Gimmicks “You come again, Baby / You can make money too / you can make money / you young / they like ’em young / the mens / come back anytime.”
I go out / walk for hours / we were gonna put the Gimmicks behind us / Gonna throw everything away / You wanna test me, see how far I’ll go? / For you / wanna see how far I’ll go? / I’d give up my love for language / words / I’d give up my love for language / words / I’d kill the colors in me / my words / emotions / thoughts / they’d no longer be words just / mumbles ’n’ grunts / mumbles ’n’ grunts / in Tootsie’s you’re narrowed to mumbles ’n’ grunts / the color of my skin will be Black ’n’ Blue / Black ’n’ Blue / red, orange, Black ’n’ Blue—colors that hurt / I’ll do it too / Go down / down / For you / If that what it takes to get to Paris / If you don’t believe me / I’ll show you, Jimmy / I’ll Gimmick for / with You / I’ll scratch and sniff / Give myself to Darkmen for you / I’ll do it / I’ll go down for you / How low, Jimmy? / How low will I go? / Bottomless / all the way / down / down to the ground.
Tootsie got stuff for me / She got it / stuff for me / I do it / I throw up / I scratch / I nod. Darkman comes over / Got me up Against the wall / Clarence got me up against the wall / Darkman Clarence / rips off my panties / I can’t move / the Gimmick is strong / I can’t move / Darkman Clarence does the in + out / in + out I can’t move / Doin the “in + out,” “in + out.”
Jimmy comes out of a nod / sees Clarence / “Pop, what you doin’ / Oh God, Pop / don’t” / Clarence on top of me / reaches in his pocket / throws Jimmy a bag of dope / Jimmy breaks his nod / breaks his nod / grabs the bag of dope / doesn’t reach for me / he reaches for the dope / “I’m sorry, Alexis / Oh God, Alexis / I’m sorry” / Jimmy didn’t care about my colors / my hurt colors / my orange / red / black / blue / Jimmy couldn’t move.
(Beat) I leave / Go home / There’s not enough soap / and water / I’m in the shower for three hours / there’s not enough soap ’n’ water / There’s blood / Blood / Blood Lost my Cherry Blood / Blood for Jimmy / is this what men ’n’ women really do / men and women really want to do.
Somebody’s got to know / Somebody’s got to know / it hurts / my mother / she’ll know / my mother she’ll take care of it / I’ll tell her / tell my mother what happened / She blinks pours a drink / Blinks pours a drink.
(Beat) She takes me to church / you’re supposed to be pure there / no vodka / no Scratch ’n’ Nod / we have no business in here. (Beat) My mother / She cries there / “my baby,” she says looking over at me, “my baby” / Her tears are vodka tears / vodka tears / we’re in a new house now / new House of Gimmicks / God’s House / God he’s a Gimmick / He didn’t stop the Darkman / He didn’t stop Jimmy from the Scratch ’n’ Sniff / from the Gimmick / I look at Him / God on the cross / “He suffered for our sins,” it says / He doesn’t know about my suffering / Jimmy’s suffering / Did nothing for me / God, did nothing for me / He did nothing for Jimmy / Didn’t keep Jimmy from the scratch ’n’ nod / He, God, didn’t save Jimmy from the Gimmick. He’s a Gimmick / God is a Gimmick just like everything—body else / a Gimmick / a House of Gimmicks / I get up leave His house / Wanna burn His house down / burn His house to the Ground.
I’m in my room / I hear / Lenny as she vodka snores / she wastes herself on vodka / Jimmy he wastes himself on opiate dreams / makes me wanna waste myself / “Want me to waste myself, Jimmy?” / I say aloud in my room / he’s not there / God / God / there is no God / I’m in my room cutting up clothes / clothes I had on when Clarence took me / bloody clothes / I cut up bloody clothes / ripping them with my teeth / with the scissors.
I bring them to my neck / want to slice myself / waste myself / slice myself / I close my eyes / Jimmy’s in the foreground / scissors / I trace my neck face with the scissors / the kill yourself / kill myself voices / they’re in my head / loud / clear / kill yourself / kill myself voices / I can hear them loud / Jimmy’s in the foreground / in my head with the voices / gonna waste himself / gonna waste myself / erase myself / I look into the mirror / I see flesh / fat burdensome flesh / I see waste / waste / I trace the scissors over my body / it’s waste / I want to end it / life / life’s a Gimmick / the voices are loud / strong / somewhere I hear Lenny’s voice / “why can’t you be thin / pretty / thin / pretty” / the kill yourself / kill myself voices / all the voices / they separate / collide / separate / collide / Jimmy’s in the foreground / I can see him nodding / nodding / opiate mumble nods / I trace the scissors / over my body / it’s waste / I want to end it / life’s a Gimmick / the voices are loud / I see the empty space / the space where my portrait was / where myself was / I gave him myself in the portrait / he took it / now I’m looking at the wall where it was / the space / empty.
The voices grow louder / there is no God / I’m still holding on to the scissors / want to slash myself with the scissors / Lenny, she said Jimmy’s nothing / I get dropped by a nothing / I’m nothing too / waste / waste / I’m waste / the scissors / I aim for my gut / trace my gut with the scissors.
I spot Jimmy / Jimmy Baldwin / I see his book / his words near the pile of clothes / how’d that book get near the clothes / I pick up the book / Ms. Innis / her words inside the book, to me / “Alexis, use words / do not waste / this man, Mr. Baldwin, knows the importance of words” / Ms. Innis, writes a quote of his next to hers / “People who don’t invent themselves / who are so bitter / so blinded / who cease to question / have made peace with defeat” / I hold the book like a friend / maybe like a lover / I hold caress the book / Jimmy’s in the foreground / I can see him / I close my eyes / I can see him / I close my eyes / I can see him / the kill myself kill yourself voices are there / Lenny’s thin and pretty voice there / I can hear those voices / see Jimmy in the foreground / I can see Jimmy / I can hear the voice / Ms. Innis somewhere / somewhere says, “Don’t waste” / and the other Jimmy / Jimmy Baldwin smiling / smiling to me / big grin / laughing eyes / smiling to me / he’s smiling to me.
Ms. Innis / James Baldwin are louder than Lenny’s voice / louder than the kill yourself kill myself voices / “words / use words” / I reach for my pen / I reach for language / for the words in me / those words will make me beautiful strong / will make Jimmy beautiful strong / will create beauty / my words / my stroke of words / I will make them / from Harlem I will make them carry me from Harlem to Paris / from ghettos to palaces / my words / my vision / and Jimmy’s in the background / I’m in the foreground / I’m in the foreground / Paris on my fingertips / glittering on my fingertips.
(We hear the voice of Ms. Innis)
Mt. Morris Park / bright and sunny today but there is always darkness underneath /
but I know the beat of Harlem / remember the beat of Harlem /
Because I have walked this walk before
where razor cut glances can slice the skin of the toughest whore
Your friend Jimmy was found dead among leaves and waste
I’ve heard this rap before
like when you get your first kiss and your first kiss is gonna bring music
and the music is going to swell and get bigger and bigger like in Italian movies
My hope—my prayer—is that this news will bring you peace.
I’ve witness this scene before
like when somebody’s mother chain-smokes while they drink
and they talk about when they were young
’cause when they were young men dug them
and they take a final pull on the drink
the smoke comes out their nostrils
they end the whole rap by saying, “My God, ain’t life a bitch”
I’m looking at Mt. Morris Park again as I write this /
there is darkness but behind it there is beauty / there is light.
I dreamt this somewhere before
I touched the shoes of Mary Magdalene on Avenue D
blood was flowing from her feet
Spanish dancers were hanging tough outside a shiny aluminum storefront
gutted tenements echo another dark black nigger future
phantasmagoria they call it
I’m sorry about Jimmy, Alexis / but you can hold on to him through your language /
through your words.
Somebody’s popping chewing gum or maybe it’s the click of a hooker’s shoes pacing the
pavement at three o’clock in the morning
Paris, they say, is beautiful this time of year.
lovers are tongue-kissing in their doorways and the souls of young boys and girls are
trapped underneath the hoods of stolen cars and love is something cranked up real loud on the dilapidated stereo for everybody in the
streets to hear
Maybe I’ll visit you there one day.
or maybe love is a rumble
or maybe it’s Neptune putting on black velvet gloves
and simply dancing again
End of Play