Chapter 4

When James Kinsella had married Leonie, it had been possibly the first truly impetuous action of his life. At the age of twenty-one, halfway through his accountancy training, it had been while he was driving home from work one evening that he’d first spotted her walking across the Downs in Clifton, casually thumbing a lift. Appalled, James had stopped his car and informed her in serious tones that hitchhiking was both foolhardy and an incredibly dangerous thing to do.

Laughing at his earnest expression, Leonie had thrown back her long blonde hair and said, “Are you dangerous?”

Realizing that she was laughing at him, probably because he wore spectacles and drove a Morris Minor, James had replied, “Of course not, but the man in the next car to stop might be.”

Cheekily, she had yanked open the passenger door, climbed in, and said, “Better give me a lift then, before he turns up.”

Three months later, Leonie had announced that she was pregnant. Two months after that, they’d been married. James had never met anyone like Leonie before. He’d never known there were people like her in the world. She was fearless, a true free spirit, with a breathtaking zest for life. And James was utterly enthralled. He was also happier than he’d ever been in his life.

It didn’t take long for James to discover that free spirits don’t necessarily make great mothers. Nor great wives, come to that. When Nadia was born, Leonie launched into her earth-mother phase, but it didn’t last. Shortly before Nadia’s first birthday, James came home from work to be greeted by his wife thrusting their daughter into his arms, yelling, “Why did nobody ever tell me being a mother was going to be so bloody boring?”

It had taken all James’s energy to calm her down and persuade her not to walk out on them. Somehow they managed to stagger on for another year and a half. Then, just as their marriage reached its lowest ebb and separation seemed inevitable, Leonie discovered to her horror that she was pregnant again. Clare was born and the situation went from bad to worse. Leonie felt as if she was trapped in an airless Lucite cube. She loved her children but was unable to cope with their incessant demands. She was twenty-three, married to—of all things—an accountant, and a mother of two. Reality had fallen woefully short of her idyllic pre-pregnancy fantasies of parenthood.

It was while she was in Canford Park one late spring morning that she met Kieran Brown. Having taken Nadia and Clare along to commune with the tadpoles and baby frogs in the pond, she had made the unhappy discovery that Nadia’s only interest, at the age of three, was in trying to eat them. Then Kieran, who was there with his own four-year-old son, had engaged her in conversation. He was an out-of-work actor and utterly charming. Bewitched by his attentions, Leonie promptly forgot all about the task in hand—that of persuading Nadia not to cram her mouth with tiny frogs—and arranged to meet Kieran that evening for a drink. When James asked her where she was going, as she flounced past him at the front door, she replied, “To talk to someone who understands me.”

A fortnight later she packed her bags and ran off to Crete with Kieran Brown, whose own girlfriend was, frankly, glad to be shot of him.

Witnessing the extent of James’s shock and desolation—and having inwardly predicted from the start that her son’s marriage would come to a sticky end—Miriam had promptly taken charge and insisted that he and the children move in with her. Widowed but wealthy, her house was large enough and helping to look after Nadia and Clare would give her something to do. At forty-seven, Miriam had the energy of a twenty-year-old. And the children adored her. It was the obvious solution, Miriam had briskly informed her shell-shocked son, so he needn’t even bother thinking of other ways he might manage.

Since James couldn’t begin to imagine how else he might manage, he had accepted his mother’s typically generous offer. The children adapted to the changes in their young lives with gratifying ease. It had, he decided with heartfelt relief, been the right thing to do. In a couple of years, maybe, the difficulties would ease and they would find a place of their own.

Twenty-three years on, it hadn’t happened yet, and in the meantime, their unorthodox family setup had expanded to include Tilly, when Leonie had arrived at the house with a fatherless one-year-old and departed shortly afterwards without her.

***

Nadia felt like a suicide bomber with explosives strapped to her body and somebody else in charge of the detonator switch. She couldn’t bear the suspense a minute longer.

“You’re not eating,” said Laurie. “Come on, try the duck. It’s fantastic.”

“I don’t want to try the duck.” Nadia kept her voice low; this was Markwick’s after all. “I want you to try telling me the truth.”

Laurie reached across the table, his fingers closing around hers. “Can’t we just enjoy the meal?”

“Obviously not, if I can’t even swallow a mouthful of it.” The time had come, clearly, to detonate the bomb herself. “Laurie, either you tell me what’s wrong or I stand up on this chair, scream at the top of my voice, and start throwing things.”

Laurie smiled. “Go on then.”

He didn’t believe her. Causing scenes and throwing things wasn’t what people did when they came to Markwick’s. Sliding her hand from his, Nadia grabbed the basket of bread rolls from the table, pushed back her chair, and rose to her feet.

The look on her face told Laurie all he needed to know.

“OK, stop it, sit down.” He blurted the words out as Nadia’s left arm—the one clutching the bread basket—began to swing back. “I’ll tell you.”

The polar opposite of temperamental, Laurie abhorred public scenes.

Nadia froze. Did she really want to hear this? But then, how could she stand not knowing? Jerkily, aware of curious eyes upon her, she sat down.

God, it couldn’t be normal for a heart to beat this fast.

“Fire away.”

Laurie hesitated, pushing his fingers through his hair. But this time there was no Miriam around to fling open the car door and swoop, like Wonder Woman, to the rescue.

“OK.” Another pause. “I think we should call it a day. We hardly ever see each other. It’s not fair on you.”

It was like plunging into an ice-cold swimming pool that you’d expected to be warm. There was a high-pitched ringing in Nadia’s ears. Sadly, not quite loud enough to drown out the words Laurie had just uttered.

Then again, what had she expected? This was what happened when you pressed the detonator.

“Not fair on me or not fair on you?” Nadia couldn’t believe she was managing to get the words out.

“Neither of us.” Laurie shrugged miserably. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I really don’t want to do this.”

Don’t then.

Aloud, Nadia said, “But you’re going to do it anyway.”

“It’s for the best. Everything’s different now. Our lives have changed… You haven’t done anything wrong,” Laurie said helplessly. “It’s just… oh Nad, you must know what I mean. This isn’t anything to do with you.”

Nadia was glad she hadn’t thrown the basket of bread rolls at him now. Bread rolls weren’t nearly vicious enough. Heavy china plates, that was what was called for. Plates that would crash with a satisfying amount of noise, preferably inflicting pain on Laurie and splattering meticulously-put-together sauces en route.

But would it help?

Struggling to get her bearings, she said, “Why didn’t you tell me this afternoon?”

Laurie heaved a sigh. “Basically, I wanted our last weekend to be a good one. What was I supposed to do, call you from Barcelona and tell you over the phone? Get off the plane and just announce it? God, I’m not that much of a shit.”

“But you couldn’t seriously expect to pretend everything was fine!”

A muscle was twitching in Laurie’s jaw. “I wanted to try. I thought we could at least have this last couple of days together. Well, a day and a bit,” he amended.

“So when were you planning on actually breaking the news? Tomorrow afternoon, on the way back to the airport? My God, I can’t believe we’re here having this conversation. I thought we were happy and all this time you’ve been gearing yourself up to do this.” Nadia shook her head in disbelief. “How long ago did you decide?”

“Nad, please, I feel bad enough as it is. Over the last few weeks, I suppose.” Laurie was looking thoroughly miserable.

“A few weeks? Oh, great. So when I was stranded in the snow a fortnight ago telling that bloke how fantastically happy we were together, you were already planning the best way to dump me! Do you have any idea how stupid that makes me feel? Just think,” Nadia rattled on, “if you’d told me in an email, I could have shagged him after all. And I would have, you know, I would have.”

“Look, I’m sorry, I thought this was the best way.”

“Oh yes, it’s perfect, perfect! I’m ecstatic that you chose this way, I’m loving every minute! My boyfriend’s very thoughtfully dumping me in my favorite restaurant. I’m fairly sure he’s seeing someone else, although he doesn’t have the guts to admit it—”

“No one else,” said Laurie.

“And best of all, he tells me I haven’t even done anything wrong! Which makes me feel so much better. Really.” Nadia swallowed, she was trembling and her eyes were feeling dangerously hot. “It’s just fabulous.”

“But we can’t carry on like this, never seeing each other. My booker at the agency’s got me working nonstop for the next eight months.” Laurie struggled to explain. “All over Europe, Australia, Japan, the States…”

“Fine. You don’t have to explain. I’m not going to beg, if that’s what you’re worried about.” Nadia had had enough. She felt sick. Then a thought occurred to her that made her feel sicker still. “And you weren’t going to tell me until tomorrow.” She marveled at Laurie’s selfishness. “But we were going to spend the night together. We’d have made…” no, not made love, “…we’d have had sex, and you’d have known it was for the last time, but I wouldn’t have known that, because you wouldn’t have told me. Well, that’s a really thoughtful finishing touch. What a shame it isn’t going to happen now. We’re both going to miss out on The Last Time.”

It would have been nice, at this point, to have stalked out of the restaurant and disappeared into the black night. If she’d been in a film she would have done it.

But it wasn’t a film, this was real life and it was raining outside. Quite honestly, she didn’t see why she should be expected to fork out for a taxi.

Damn, she had a git of a boyfriend.

Ex-boyfriend.

Oh hell, this was going to be weird.

“I want to leave. I need a taxi. Give me twenty pounds,” Nadia demanded.

“No.”

“Bastard.”

Laurie shook his head. “I really want us to stay friends.”

“Well, I don’t. Sod off.”

“Nadia, this hasn’t been easy. I’m only doing it because it’s for the best.”

That old line again.

“Oh, do me a favor,” Nadia hissed across the table. “You’re dumping me because you want to spend the next eight months shagging your way around Paris and Milan and New York and Sydney and Tokyo, because you’re a jet-setter now and jet-setters only have sex with It-girls and supermodels.”

“It’s not that,” said Laurie.

“Isn’t it? I don’t really care anyway.” Of course, this was a massive lie, but it was still going to happen whether she cared or not. Her happy life was crumbling before her eyes like sugar lumps dropped in hot coffee and she had no one to blame but herself.

That stupid, stupid modeling competition.

Nadia dropped her head. She badly wanted to cry now. Noisily and nose-runningly. Furiously and violently. But she was buggered if she’d give Laurie the satisfaction.

He might look miserable, but he had absolutely no idea how truly awful she felt.

No more Laurie. It was just an unfathomable concept.

Raising her head, Nadia looked at him from beneath her eyelashes. All that mascara, what a waste.

“OK, it’s over. But you were still going to sleep with me tonight.” Nadia waited, holding his gaze. “For the last time.” Another pause, followed by a tiny playful smile. “Well? Do you still want to?”

It was as easy as asking a five-year-old if he wanted to open his Christmas presents a week early. She saw the spark of relief in his eyes as he reached across the table and squeezed her hand.

“Of course I still want to,” said Laurie.

When in the history of the world had any man ever said no?

Feeling powerful for the first time that evening and deciding that sometimes it was worth forking out for a taxi, Nadia rose to her feet and said icily, “Well, that’s a real shame, because you can’t.”