Winter 1953

Dear Tash, I have begun to learn ballet which is foul!! I am so like an elephant its hard to believe! I am leading a very quiet life I dont want to go out much as I have a lot of work to do — lying on the ground breathing in and out.

I had a sweet letter from K — rather pathetic really — he is sweet.

I have just done a scene of The Young Elizabeth as Mary. Its funny I felt the part today which I havent done for ages. The trouble is Mary was all skin and bones, which I am most definitely not! But its very good for me because I have to hold myself very straight and cant do any of my wriggling tricks. Did you know that I wriggled?

Dear Tash, I feel I am becoming rather a hermit — for example I had two different invitations to go to two different parties yesterday evening, and didn’t go to either, instead I went to bed early and slept like a log. Actually one reason was that the night before was the PARADA dance, which was quite good fun. Afterwards we went off to London Airport and sat in the Restaurant eating spagetti and melon (separately) and drinking black coffee until about 5 a.m. with the result that yesterday I felt absolutely bloody.

My voice is my main bugbear in acting but it is only really a reflection of something inside me. If acting doesnt do anything else it does teach you about yourself. Its amazing Tash, I know so much more about myself now. One of the teachers said to me — deep inside you Hannah, you have a kind sincere nature and you have a great deal to give, but on top of that there is a protective layer of hardness, selfishness and pride, and that is holding back what lies underneath.

I have come to a conclusion about myself. You see at Frensham I was never really allowed to be myself — everyone thought I was hard, tough etc etc and so I had to be. But at PARADA I started off by being much more gentle, and I get on better with more people than I ever did before. You know that I am not really a bit tough.