Winter – Spring 1954

Dear Tash, I miss you and feel very lonely especially at RADA. I’ve ceased to be bewildered by all the long corridors and many staircases but the atmosphere is still the same — very impersonal — so unlike Frensham. The woman who is producing our play is very efficient but totally uninspiring. The diction woman is a complete wet rag, and the other staff are better but none of them really make any personal contact with us, I mean outside what they are teaching. I’m afraid I’m too used to K. I still miss him like hell, but I’m jolly well going to get over that.

Val absolutely adores Richard, & I spent an evening in which she kept telling me how much she wanted to kiss him, but knew she mustnt because that was cheapening herself — she thought there was nothing between kissing and sleeping with someone. I assured her that there was masses of things in between! I do think a girl of 18 should know a bit more than that.

My dear Tash, I am hopeless as Lion — I just can’t play comedy. Its my voice thats my main trouble. I have a slight South African accent, and I drop the ends of my phrases my vowels are bad. Oh dear at this rate I shall never make an actress.

I wrote to K about a week ago and had no answer as yet — I do miss him terribly some times. I feel very bitter, because I know he just doesnt care a whit anymore — but it isn’t fair to him for me to be bitter — Oh I don’t understand if I think about it I feel hellish so try not to think about it.

I had a very long & miserable letter from Mike! I am absolutely determined to go to Israel in the summer.

Dear Tash, I had a most alarming experience last Friday, you may or may not know that there was an Old Frenshamian meeting at David’s and Shirley persuaded me to go. Well I hadn’t been there five minutes when in walked K! Shirley said I went quite white and looked as if I was going to faint — I felt as if I was going to I assure you. He has never been to a meeting before and it isn’t conceit if I say that he really only came to see me. Well it took me about an hour to be able to speak to him and then when I did I felt as if I was going to dissolve! Can you imagine he was standing drinking Coca Cola! Most incongruous! We chatted a bit, and then Shirley and I decided to go, and he said he was going too! He gave us a lift to Shirley’s flat, and offered to take me home, but suddenly I decided no!! I said I had to wait for my parents and he laughed and looked hurt, and I jumped out of the Rolls and said goodbye — Oh Tash it’s upset me! Especially as he said he actually called into RADA last Tuesday but I wasn’t there — Godinheaven — its all wrong — still the only thing to do is not to think about it.