CHAPTER TWO

 

 

The city of Belfast is small in comparison with most other UK cities, but what it lacks in size and population it makes up for in character and excitement. Daniel Harpur both loved and loathed Belfast in equal measure. As a boy, the streets were his playground and every corner and shop held a distant memory, but the ones he remembered most and the ones that hurt the most, were memories of Jennifer. He didn't realise how much he needed her at the time, but now he knew it. Everywhere he looked, he thought of her.

Dan's abrupt arrival back in Belfast had been something of an anti-climax. The last time he had been back was with Jenny. She couldn't get enough of the place and only ever lasted a few months in England before flying back to see her family. Her mother's apron strings didn't stretch very far at all. Dan however would have been happy to never return to the city of his birth. There was nothing left for him since his mother had died, and even when she was alive, there had never been the sort of connection between mother and child that Jenny enjoyed. Family ties were strong in his wife's household and blood was definitely thicker than water, as far as they were concerned.

As he lay on the sofa in his apartment in the south of the city, Dan realised what a complete mess he had made of his life. He re-read the solicitor's letter lying across his chest and threw it onto the pile of others which, he noted, were stacking up nicely in the corner of the room.

"I fuckin' hate solicitors."

Dan got up and poured himself another whiskey, a proper home measure. A measure that would save him having to get up to pour another any time soon. As he stood contemplating the very dubious quality of his favourite drink, Dan gripped a handful of fat from his expanding waistline and vowed to get back into shape. He had made the very same vow many times before over this last few years, and he meant it. It just never happened. Some new problem would always surface to turn him to drink. Whether he created and then wallowed in these inexplicable quandaries for a reason to drink, he wasn't sure. But drink he did, and wallowing in self-pity seemed to be his only pastime.

In the morning he would get fit, but for now he would drink. This was a cycle of events he had become familiar with.

He lay back down on the sofa and looked up at the ceiling. The whiskey sank down and warmed his stomach, but Dan knew that he couldn't cheat time. He would be thirty six years old soon. He decided he would make an effort and at least try to regain some of the fitness which used to come with such little effort a few short years ago.

Dan had always played sport and kept fit. Since he joined the army as a boy of seventeen, it had been a major part of his life. His body and mind yearned for the simplicity of the military. Train hard, fight easy. That is exactly how it had been for him during his time in the army. Everything was laid out in plain and simple terms. You are clothed, fed, given (modest) accommodation and paid a wage! Days were filled with training. Follow orders and all was well.

Dan had excelled, and after only a few years in the regulars, his unit was given a presentation by the Special Air Service. A recruitment video was shown to them and Dan soaked up every single detail, staring in awe and wonder at the mysterious men in black as they fast roped from choppers, blew up buildings and jumped from high altitude to land deep behind enemy lines. The Recruiting Sergeant was small and quiet, nothing at all like Dan had expected. When the presentation was over and everyone had left, Dan approached the man as he packed away his equipment.

"Excuse me, sergeant. Can I have a word?"

He turned and looked at Dan, taking in every detail of the young man before him without saying a word.

"Is it worth it? You know, all the training to pass that selection process. Is it worth it to get in to the SAS?"

"If you're asking that then you need not apply, boy. Did you not watch the video? The SAS is the best Special Forces unit in the world, bar none. What do you think?"

"I'm not sure if I would be fit enough. Selection looks tough."

"Men die during selection. That's how bad they want to get in. Make your own mind up."

With that, the sergeant walked away. He didn't need to sell it. Dan applied for selection the very next day.

No-one was giving Dan orders now though, and he was all alone. No brothers-in-arms to help him out of this one. He had tried desperately to maintain a high level of fitness and self-discipline, to regain some of his previous conditioning, but life as a "civvy" was difficult. With a lack of training, and more importantly the time to exercise, it wasn't long before his body felt the strain. The battle against the bulge wasn't over, but he was losing ground.

Those early years had been the best. With Jenny at his side and the world at their feet, nothing was impossible. She never asked any direct questions about what he did and where he went, but she was no fool. Dan knew that the last four years of his service had taken a terrible toll on Jenny. At the end she had begged him to leave, to return home to Belfast and settle down. Like a "normal" couple, she said. Dan Harpur was anything but normal. He had a skill set that no other employer would want or need.

Dan recalled the last real conversation they had. He had just returned from a tour in Afghanistan. He was on a high. All had gone well - a successful mission. Winding down with a pint and a laugh with the boys was at the top of his list. Not another domestic with the missus about turning his back on the only thing he was good at.

He spent all the time he could with her, far more in fact than the other men did with their wives (and they let him know it). They enjoyed their time together, but she always wanted more.

"What would I do, Jenny? I'm a soldier."

"We could sort something out Dan, we have plenty of family back at home and dad said he would help you find something."

"Aye, your dad loves me."

Dan laced this comment with as much sarcasm as he could muster. Her dad despised him. Looking down at his beautiful wife, he saw genuine fear in her eyes. Even now nearly three years later, he could remember the look on her face as she knelt in front of him. The woman he loved. He remembered his last words to her.

"Get up, Jennifer. I love you, but I'm not leaving The Regiment."

She left the next day.

With Jenny gone and no-one to keep him on the straight and narrow, Dan went completely off the rails. For the first few weeks he thought she would come back, and while work kept him busy during the day, he took to drinking in the evenings. She couldn't have left him at a worse time. Just back from a tour in Afghanistan meant that he would be rested for a while, with his duties comprising of various forms of training and exercise. On any other occasion he wouldn't have had so much time to himself. The Regiment would usually be either gearing up for a deployment, or be deployed. Now was the time he would have spent with Jenny. As the weeks turned to months the drinking got worse and he started to gain weight. He found himself becoming irritable and bad tempered. Not a good combination for a man living amongst some of the world's most formidable soldiers. Needless to say, Dan started to come to the attention of his authorities.

In the beginning he received invites to the houses of friends for dinner. They knew what was happening. It was a well-worn path and they had seen it all before. Life in the military was not "normal", and a lot of the wives simply could not adjust to the long periods of loneliness that came with their role. Some turned to other men, some kept themselves busy with children and some simply walked away. That was army life. However this was the SAS, a cut above the rest and a completely different ball game. The Special Air Service would not suffer fools, and Dan had already received a few inspirational talks from his superiors. The kind of talks that skipped around the elephant in the room, but still left him in no doubt that it meant, "Buck your ideas up arsehole, or you're out". Dan got the message loud and clear, but he just couldn't live his life without Jennifer.

Why did he not realise this before? How could he have ignored her pleas for so long? He was bored, depressed and angry with himself. Who was she with now? He resigned from the army and returned to Belfast.

Jenny didn't return his calls or texts. He had called her parents to see if they would tell him something. They had never liked him, and the conversation didn't go well.

"You're not welcome here, Danny. You never were and you never will be."

"Please Margaret, I'm begging you. Just let me speak with her?"

"No. She's going to find a nice man and settle down here. Just sign the bloody divorce papers and let her go."

"I can't, I love her. Just tell her that will you?"

"She's changed her mobile number and wants nothing more to do with you. I can't believe she's lasted this long. Did you not know she used to phone me in tears all the time, Danny? Crying her eyes out, worried about you and where you were. She was bored and lonely son, and you were out trying to save the world. I hope it was worth it. Now don't be annoying her any more. If my Jim gets his hands on you, there'll be hell to pay. So don't be comin' to the house."

Dan got drunk to forget her; the woman who put an end to his military career and left him poised on the edge of self-destruction. But he could not fathom how he was still so much in love with her. She was gone. Already shacked up with another man and living the life she wanted. Living the life that Dan wanted with her. But it was too late.

With his team talk over and thoroughly depressed, Dan sank what was left in the glass and closed his eyes. In the morning it was work, gym and healthy eating all day. He would put Jenny behind him and focus on the future.

Another nightcap to help him sleep wouldn't do any harm he thought. Just one more.