Section IV: Anger Management and Domestic Violence

Anger as a Drug

Goals of the Exercise

1. Develop an awareness of current angry behaviors, clarifying origins of, and early warning signs of, aggressive behavior.

2. Refrain from physically and emotionally abusive behavior against significant other.

3. Come to an awareness and acceptance of angry feelings while developing better control and more serenity.

4. Become capable of handling angry feelings in constructive ways that enhance daily functioning.

5. Learn to self-monitor and shift to a thinking and problem-solving mode rather than a reactive mode when anger is triggered.

Additional Problems for which this Exercise may be Useful

Suggestions for Processing this Exercise with Veterans/Service Members

The “Anger as a Drug” activity may be especially useful with angry veterans/service members who have also responded to stressful situations by engaging in substance abuse or other addictive behaviors. It is suggested for use with veterans/service members who have some insight into their own feelings or are willing to be introspective. Follow-up can include bibliotherapy using books suggested for this problem in Appendix A of The Veterans and Active Duty Military Psychotherapy Treatment Planner and/or videotherapy using films recommended on the topic of “Communication and Conflict Resolution” in the book Rent Two Films and Let's Talk in the Morning, 2nd ed., by John W. Hesley and Jan G. Hesley, also published by John Wiley & Sons. Another good exercise is journaling about experiences using alternative behaviors to cope with situations that trigger anger.

EXERCISE IV.A Anger as a Drug

Does it seem strange to call anger a drug? We usually think of drugs as substances like alcohol, cannabis, cocaine, and heroin. We talk about being addicted to a drug if we find it hard to quit and keep using it even when the consequences are more bad than good. People also behave addictively with activities like gambling, sex, eating, spending, and work, and with some emotions. Addictive activities and emotions can cause as much trouble as any substance.

What do these things have in common? They can change the way we feel, quickly, on demand. Physically and emotionally, we can use them to block pain or to feel great. We can become addicted to anything that makes us feel good quickly and easily.

Anger can feel good. If we're anxious or depressed, we may feel weak, uneasy, and ashamed. When we get angry, we're more likely to feel strong and sure of ourselves. Anger can also make us feel more alert, awake, and energetic, so we may use anger to cope with uncomfortable feelings. Once this pattern is established, a feeling of fear, anxiety, or shame can trigger anger so fast we may not even realize that the first feeling was there before the anger.

Like other drugs, anger has negative consequences. It leads to destructive actions and can damage the immune system and raise the risk of cancer or heart disease. It may also destroy our relationships with the people who matter most to us. In this exercise, you'll look at your anger to see if you've used it as a drug and to find better ways to handle painful feelings.

1. When you've been very angry, in a rage, have you felt weak or strong? Uneasy or sure of yourself? How does anger feel to you?

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2. Next think about a time when you got very angry. What happened just before that feeling?

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3. When you think about what was going on before the anger, how did it make you feel? If your anger came up so fast that you didn't have time to be aware of other feelings, what painful emotions such as anxiety, fear, hurt, or shame would be natural in that situation?

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4. Another characteristic of drug use is a rebound effect when they wear off. You may have found that when the anger wore off painful emotions returned. What rebound effects have followed your anger?

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5. Some powerful natural mood-lifting and pain-relieving chemicals are produced in the brain by cardiovascular exercise, by meditation, and by laughing hard. Please list some ways you can try to feel happy and energetic or to cope with emotional pain without using anger or another drug.

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6. The next time painful emotions start to trigger your rage, how can you redirect that reaction to something that gives you better results? If other people can help, what can they do? List two people who can help and describe when and how you'll ask them to help you.

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Be sure to bring this handout back to your next session with your therapist, and be prepared to discuss your thoughts and feelings about the exercise.

Being Who I Want To Be

Goals of the Exercise

1. Decrease overall intensity and frequency of angry feelings, and increase ability to recognize and appropriately express angry feelings as they occur.

2. Develop an awareness of current angry behaviors, clarifying origins of, and varia- tions in, aggressive behavior.

3. Refrain from physically and emotionally abusive behavior against significant other.

4. Become capable of handling angry feelings in constructive ways that enhance daily functioning.

5. Learn and implement problem-solving and/or conflict resolution skills to manage interpersonal problems.

Additional Problems for which this Exercise may be Useful

Suggestions for Processing this Exercise with Veterans/Service Members

The “Being Who I Want to Be” activity is designed for use with veterans/service members who exhibit out-of-control angry and aggressive behaviors, particularly when they find themselves recreating abusive dynamics from their own childhoods. This is for veterans/service members who are motivated to make positive changes and who have at least some insight into their own dysfunctional patterns. Follow-up or concurrent treatment activities could include bibliotherapy using one or more of the books listed for this issue in Appendix A of The Veterans and Active Duty Military Psychotherapy Treatment Planner and/or videotherapy using films on the topic of “Communication and Conflict Resolution” suggested in Rent Two Films and Let's Talk in the Morning, 2nd ed., by John W. Hesley and Jan G. Hesley, also published by John Wiley & Sons.

EXERCISE IV.B Being Who I Want To Be

When does anger become a serious problem? Most people would say that when a person's anger had jeopardized or caused harm to that person's health, safety, freedom, employment, and/or important relationships, it had become a problem. Often the person who has the problem with anger knows it, but can't seem to keep it under control. In many cases, angry people also feel shame and guilt because when they look at their own behavior they see a resemblance to negative actions of their parents, possibly things they'd sworn as children they'd never do when they grew up. If any of this relates to your own life and experiences, this activity will help you start making the changes that will break the pattern of destructive anger and hurt to yourself and others around you.

1. What do you think is needed to gain control of angry impulses and keep you from losing your temper and being physically or verbally abusive? What unfilled need or needs have blocked your efforts to change up until now?

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2. In this assignment we talk about several methods and insights that have helped countless people overcome the same kinds of problems so that they could look in their mirrors and see the people they really wanted to be. The first important skill is to understand the roots of your anger. We all tend to get angry if we feel fear or hurt; it's the fight part of the fight-or-flight reaction that's normal when you feel threatened. For prehistoric people who lived a hunting and gathering life this helped them survive. The dangers and hurts in their lives were mainly physical, so there were things they could either fight or run from, and their anger and/or fear helped them fight harder or run faster. List a couple of situations where you got angry because you felt threatened or hurt (not necessarily a physical threat—anything that endangers our relationships, status, or self-esteem can trigger the same reaction)?

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Did your anger, however you did or did not express it, improve the situation? If so, how?

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3. This is valuable information to understand about yourself, because it enables you to anticipate when situations might push your buttons and threaten to make your anger erupt. If you were already prepared and knew that anger might come up, how could you handle the situation differently? Here are some approaches that have worked for many people.

First, if you can just avoid the situation without that causing a big problem, avoid it.

Second, find a good friend and spend some time “venting” with him or her and getting feedback before the situation arises. It also helps to set a time to talk again after you get through the stressful situation.

Third, have your own transportation, so that if you find the situation to be more than you can handle you can leave without depending on someone else for a ride.

Fourth, bring a trusted friend or relative with you if you can, for support and to remind you of what you're trying to do.

Fifth, if you're going to be facing a stressful situation, have a HALT plan—HALT stands for Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired. If you're in any of these conditions and go into a trying situation, your chances of maintaining self-control go way down.

Sixth, if you know you're going to be dealing with things that may trigger your anger, don't go into the situation with any drugs in your system that may interfere with impulse control and/or judgment, alcohol in particular.

Please list some situations from your own life where you could use these methods to maintain your self-control even when it's hard to do:

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4. Up to now we've worked on knowing how to avoid blow-ups so that it is safe for our families and friends to be close to us. That's only half of the task at hand, though. People trying to break behavior patterns generally fail if all they're doing is focusing on not doing whatever harmful thing they've had problems with. The second part, the part that makes you more likely to succeed in being the person you want to be, is having positive patterns to replace the negative ones. Here are some good ways to avoid blow-ups:

  • Know your own early warning signs, so that when you start to get angry you can redirect yourself while it's still easy and you haven't said or done anything to regret. Make a list of the sensations you feel when your anger is rising; use them as cues to break the pattern.
  • Identify the trigger. Ask yourself, “Where's the threat, or the hurt?” When you've figured that out, ask yourself whether it's a real threat—if not, you can relax; if it is, you'll respond more effectively if you're thinking rather than just exploding.
  • If your anger is being triggered by someone else's actions, you can approach that person and tell him or her calmly, clearly, and firmly how their behavior is affecting you, and then ask them to change their actions.

Please try these methods between now and your next therapy session and briefly describe how they did or did not work for you:

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Be sure to bring this handout back to your next session with your therapist, and be prepared to discuss your thoughts and feelings about the exercise.