Section VIII: Bereavement Due to the Loss of a Comrade

Commemorating Lost Friends and Family

Goals of the Exercise

1. Accept the loss and return to previous level of social and occupational functioning.

2. Think and talk about the individual without experiencing significant negative emotions and physical symptoms.

3. Verbalize feelings of sadness to trusted individuals.

4. Express feelings and thoughts that were not expressed while the fallen comrade was alive.

5. Develop a memorial to the fallen comrade.

Additional Problems for which this Exercise may be Useful

Suggestions for Processing this Exercise with Veterans/Service Members

The “Commemorating Lost Friends and Family” activity is designed for use with veterans/service members experiencing significant unresolved grief over the loss of fellow veterans/service members or others to whom they were emotionally close. Its approach is to help the veteran/service member move ahead with his/her grieving and create a formal rite of passage acknowledging both the loss and the good that the relationship brought to the veteran/service member's life. Follow-up or concurrent treatment activities could include bibliotherapy using one or more of the books listed for this issue in Appendix A of The Veterans and Active Duty Military Psychotherapy Treatment Planner and/or videotherapy using films on the topics “Death and Dying” and “Grief and Loss” suggested in Rent Two Films and Let's Talk in the Morning, 2nd ed., by John W. Hesley and Jan G. Hesley, also published by John Wiley & Sons.

EXERCISE VIII.A Commemorating Lost Friends and Family

No two of us experience grief exactly the same way, but there are some common elements. When we lose people close to us, the emotional pain can seem unbearable—often it can actually hurt physically; the word “heartache” describes what many people feel in a way that's all too real. The closer the relationship, the harder it hits us, and the bonds we form in combat are often as close as those in marriage or between family members. On top of that, when people die suddenly, it's usually more of a blow than an expected death due to illness or old age.

At the time the loss happens, we are often unable to stop and let ourselves feel the pain, because we have to keep functioning and sometimes because there are so many losses in such a short time that we'd be overwhelmed. So we compartmentalize our minds and put those feelings aside to deal with them later. We may be tempted to keep them set aside forever for fear we'll be overwhelmed and lose control if we let ourselves start to feel them, but sooner or later we're left feeling the grief either for that particular loss or as a generalized depression. On the other hand, some try to speed up the process of getting through the pain by wallowing in it, so to speak, but that doesn't seem to work for most of us either—bereavement goes on in each of us at its own pace. And not only does that mean we can't usually postpone it forever or rush through it, it means that no one has any right to tell someone else how long they should mourn and when they should “get over it.”

Although we can't control the time span of grief, formal ceremonies can help by both providing an acknowledgment by the unit, the family, or the circle of friends of what has happened, and by bringing together those left behind for mutual comfort. This is why every culture seems to have some form of funeral ritual. Sometimes, though, we can find ourselves “stuck” in our grief and feeling as if we need to resolve it somehow. Many people, in and out of the military, have found that commemorating the person who has died in a personal way of their own helps them to find peace with their losses, to honor their lost friends or family members in a way that feels right to them, and to start healing and going ahead with life. The purpose of this activity is to help you create a commemoration of this kind, either just for yourself or for a small group of the people closest to the one who has died.

1. When you think of a funeral or memorial service, what thoughts and images come to mind for you? Do those thoughts and images feel right and are they effective in helping you deal with the sadness you feel?

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2. If a funeral or memorial took place and left you feeling like it didn't help, or if you were unable to attend, or if none was held, do you have a clear idea of what kind of ceremony would feel fitting to you, and if so what would it consist of?

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3. If you're having trouble thinking of ideas, it may help to consider some things others have found helpful. We list several here—please mark any that seem fitting to you.

a. Writing a letter, a poem, or a song to him or her;

b. Choosing a souvenir of your relationship with this person—a photo, a piece of a uniform, or something related to a shared interest;

c. Visiting the person's grave or marker, telling him or her anything you might have wanted to say if you had the chance, and leaving the letter, poem, souvenir, or other item there;

d. Alternatively, taking your letter, poem, or souvenir, spending some quiet time thinking about your relationship with your friend or family member, and then burning it;

e. Planting a tree in honor of the memory of the person you've lost;

f. Donating money or time to a worthy cause you know he or she would support.

There are half a dozen ideas here, but you can create more if you wish. The key is that it helps you, and maybe others who share in your loss, with the grieving process.

4. Two final considerations that may help you are: First, if your friend or family member who has died was suffering, his or her pain has ended. The second thing to think about is not only what you would say to this person if you could, as mentioned in item 3.c., but considering what he or she might say to you. One way to do this is with an exercise called the empty chair—it may feel awkward at first, but it has worked very well for many people. To do this, you simply position two chairs facing each other. Sit in one of the chairs and visualize the person who has died sitting in the other chair facing you, and say the things you'd say to him or her if you could. Once you've done that, get up, sit down in the other chair, and try to put yourself in his or her place, then say whatever you feel that person would say to you in response to what you've said. Please use this space to write down a brief summary of what you said, and what you feel the other person would have said in reply.

You: _____

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The person you've lost: _____

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Be sure to bring this handout back to your next session with your therapist, and be prepared to discuss your thoughts and feelings about the exercise.

How Do I Want to be Remembered?

Goals of the Exercise

1. Accept the loss and return to previous level of social and occupational functioning.

2. Verbalize feelings of sadness to trusted individuals.

3. Express feelings and thoughts that were not communicated while the fallen comrade was alive.

4. Reflect on the purpose and meaning of life.

Additional Problems for which this Exercise may be Useful

Suggestions for Processing this Exercise with Veterans/Service Members

The “How Do I Want to Be Remembered?” activity is designed for use with veterans/ service members struggling with existential anxiety after the death of a comrade, other close friend, or family member. The activity's aim is to help these veterans/service members, by guiding them to contemplate the meaning they seek in their own lives, and to perceive that in the lives of the people they have lost. By considering how they themselves would want their own friends and families to move on after mourning them and regain happiness in their lives, this activity is also meant to help clients who may be “stuck” in their grief and, perhaps, feel that it would be disloyal to the people they've lost to let go. Follow-up or concurrent treatment activities could include bibliotherapy using one or more of the books listed for this issue in Appendix A of The Veterans and Active Duty Military Psychotherapy Treatment Planner and/or videotherapy using films suggested for the topics “Death and Dying” and “Grief and Loss” in Rent Two Films and Let's Talk in the Morning, 2nd ed., by John W. Hesley and Jan G. Hesley, also published by John Wiley & Sons.

EXERCISE VIII.B How Do I Want to be Remembered?

The death of someone for whom we care deeply is always painful, and it is healthy and natural to feel grief, sadness, and sometimes anger, confusion, or despair. We may find our feelings changing often between these and other emotions, and we all have our own unique ways of experiencing bereavement. There is no right or wrong way to mourn and no correct timetable for grief.

However, we sometimes find that we can't seem to get over these losses, that they continue to feel intensely painful well after the tragic events; we feel “stuck.” We may also be unable to find an understanding of the meaning of the life of the person who has died, or a reason that makes sense for his or her death.

This exercise will guide you through some thought processes that have helped many people overcome this situation and reach a more peaceful emotional state, one in which you can remember your lost friend or family member with happiness for the good things you shared when he or she was alive.

1. We often feel unsettled emotions and have unanswered questions when someone close to us dies. We may find ourselves having feelings we don't understand and wondering about the meaning and value of life. If you have been experiencing this, what emotions have you been feeling and what thoughts have you had about the meaning of life and death?

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2. It can help us clarify some of these things to consider the lives we know best—our own—and our own deaths sometime in the future. Have you also had thoughts or questions like these about your own life, as many people do at a time of loss? If so, please use this space to record the things you want most to understand about this subject:

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3. Many find that it comforts them and helps them move through their grief to consider the question in the title of this activity: How do I want to be remembered? This simple question is complicated to answer. Here are some basics that can help you get started:

a. What qualities about my relationships with the people who mean the most to me would I want them to think of when they remember me?

b. What values have I tried hardest to live by?

c. What achievements in my life have been the most important to me?

d. What would I want to be the difference I have made in the world during my life?

e. What would I want my close friends and family to think and feel when they remember me—what emotions would I want to inspire in their lives?

4. The answers to the first four questions, 3.a. through 3.d., vary widely among people, which is what we would expect given the near infinite range of people's interests, passions, and personalities. However, most people answer the last question, 3.e., the same way. They want the people they care about most to remember them with affection, and over time they want the pain and grief those people feel about their deaths to fade and be replaced by pleasant memories of the good things in life they shared—happy occasions, meaningful accomplishments, and/or shared hardships they overcame together. And whether they imagine their deaths as being sudden or slow, painless or painful, people indicate that they would not want their memory to be a source of suffering for others. They would want people to remember that after death, they were freed of whatever earthly pain and anguish they may have felt as their lives ended, that they would be at peace, and that they would want the people who cared about them to be at peace with their memories, too. Use the space below to record the most important things you want to be remembered for and how you hope the people close to you will feel when they remember you.

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Be sure to bring this handout back to your next session with your therapist, and be prepared to discuss your thoughts and feelings about the exercise.