Section XIII: Conflict With Comrades

Communication and Conflict Management Skills

Goals of the Exercise

1. Eliminate verbal and physical confrontations with military peers and/or superiors.

2. Develop problem-solving and interpersonal skills to manage conflicts.

3. Develop an increased awareness of his/her role in conflicts.

4. Learn to recognize escalating behaviors that lead to conflicts.

Additional Problems for which this Exercise may be Useful

Suggestions for Processing this Exercise with Veterans/Service Members

The “Communication and Conflict Management Skills” activity is designed for use with veterans/service members who lack adequate skills in these areas but are motivated to learn those skills and reduce conflicts with those around them in military, family, and social environments. This assignment fits extremely well into a treatment plan that is based on cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) or Cognitive Processing Therapy (CPT) and lends itself well to role-playing approaches in individual, couples, or group counseling. This can be valuable for veterans/service members who are in recovery from addictions and at risk for stress-related relapse, as relationship conflict is one of the most common stressors reported as leading to relapse. Follow-up or concurrent treatment activities can include bibliotherapy using one or more of the books listed for this issue in Appendix A of The Veterans and Active Duty Military Psychotherapy Treatment Planner and/or videotherapy using films suggested for the topics of “Communication and Conflict Resolu-tion,” “Divorce,” “Intimate Relationships,” “Marriage,” and/or “Parent-Child Relation-ships” in Rent Two Films and Let's Talk in the Morning, 2nd ed., by John W. Hesley and Jan G. Hesley, also published by John Wiley & Sons.

EXERCISE XIII.A Communication and Conflict Management Skills

Saying what you mean, clearly and respectfully to both others and yourself, is a skill that must be learned. So is listening to what others are trying to tell you. Effective communication takes two basic skills: (1) expressing yourself clearly, and (2) listening actively. In this exercise you will learn how to communicate more effectively, and how to teach these skills to others.

1. A good place to start is with communication styles and how they work. Here are four styles—we may use them all, but we each have a favored style we use most. As you read, please think about your communication habits and those of others in your life.

a. Aggressive. Expressing yourself with little regard for others' rights, thoughts, or feelings. Aggressive communication can be abusive and judgmental. It may include name-calling, yelling, interrupting, sarcasm, ridicule, and hostile body language.

b. Passive-aggressive. Not expressing yourself openly. Hinting; talking behind others' backs; sarcasm; constant complaining; expecting others to know what you think, feel, or want without telling them; refusing to talk even when others can see you're upset.

c. Passive. Not expressing yourself in ways you fear might upset others, or possibly any way at all. Giving short, uninformative answers; agreeing with whatever others say.

d. Assertive. Expressing your thoughts, feelings, and wishes clearly without ignoring those of others; being able to say “no” in a way that respects both others and yourself.

Which of the styles described above best describes your style of communication? Please choose one and give some examples of how you use this style.

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2. In your relationships with family members, friends, and coworkers, what happens most often when you disagree with someone or they disagree with you? What styles are used?

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3. Think about the last time you disagreed with someone close to you. How did you handle the situation, and how did the other person? What styles were used? What was the result?

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4. Now we'll look at specific techniques of effective communication and how to use them:

a. Avoid mind-reading. Don't try to tell other people what they think and feel or what their reasons are for the things they do. No one likes it when others do this, and it often triggers arguments. Think of a time when someone did this to you. Describe that situation, how you felt, and how it affected your communication:

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b. No name-calling. When we're upset with others it is because of what they did or didn't do: in other words, their actions. Calling people names is not referring to their actions, it's labeling who and what they are—actions can be changed, but who we are we can't, so name-calling is really an attack on our identity. It's one of the surest ways to turn a discussion into a fight. Think about a time when someone called you names. Describe the situation, how you felt, and how it affected your communication:

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c. No interrupting/No long speeches. These two go together. When we cut others off or finish their sentences for them, the message they hear is, “What you have to say is not important enough for any more of my time.” Also, when we finish people's sentences, we're often wrong about what they were going to say, and it can trigger a fight. Of course, for one person to let another talk uninterrupted, they both have to know that they'll also have a chance to speak. That's why long speeches cause problems. Think about a time when someone went on and on in a conversation, or kept interrupting you. Describe the situation, how you felt, and how it affected your communication:

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d. Be specific. When we say “You always_____ “ or “You never_____ “ we're wrong. Nobody is that consistent. If we tell others they always or never do things, they'll just think of the exceptions. They'll probably feel angry that we don't recognize those exceptions. This leads to a fight about the “always/ never” statement, instead of a useful talk about changing behavior. Think about a time when someone did this to you; describe the situation, how you felt, and how it affected your communication:

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e. Talk about one thing at a time. We may have many problems with a person, but if we bring them all up at once he/she will feel overwhelmed. Most of us want to get along with others and are willing to change some of our actions, but if we feel that there is no way to please the other person, it turns into a fight. When we start bringing up one issue after another, it is sometimes called “kitchen-sinking” because it seems as if we are throwing everything at them including the kitchen sink. Think about a time when someone “threw the kitchen sink” at you by piling issue upon issue. Describe the situation, how you felt, and how it affected your communication:

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f. Take responsibility for your own feelings and actions. A near-guaranteed way to pick a fight is to blame someone for your own feelings or actions, by saying “You made me (mad, depressed, etc.)” or “You made me do_____ .” Other people can't make us do anything, unless they use physical force. They can't make us feel or think a certain way. Do you want to be blamed for someone else's actions and feelings? It works better to say things like “When you did (action), (result) happened, and I felt (emotion).” Think about the last time someone blamed you for their feelings or actions. Describe the situation, how you felt, and how it affected your communication:

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g. Respond to both the spoken and unspoken parts of the message. As well as listening to other people's words, we need to respond to the emotions they express through facial expressions, body language, and tone of voice. It always helps if others see we are paying attention and trying to understand them. Think about a time someone acknowledged your feelings as well as your words. How did they let you know? How did you feel about it?

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5. These techniques can seem awkward at first but will get easier with repetition. It helps to practice with important people in our lives. Part of this exercise is to talk about this with at least two important people in your life, practice these skills with them, and talk about the results with your therapist and/or your therapy group. After practicing these communication techniques, what questions/challenges do you have about continued improvement of your communication skills?

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Be sure to bring this handout back to your next therapy session, and be prepared to discuss your thoughts and feelings about the exercise.

Understanding Sources Of Conflict

Goals of the Exercise

1. Eliminate verbal and physical confrontations with military peers and/or superiors.

2. Develop problem-solving and interpersonal skills to manage conflicts.

3. Report elimination or decrease in disciplinary actions related to conflicts.

4. Develop an increased awareness of his/her role in conflicts.

5. Learn to recognize escalating behaviors that lead to conflicts.

Additional Problems for which this Exercise may be Useful

Suggestions for Processing this Exercise with Veterans/Service Members

The “Understanding Sources of Conflict” activity is designed to help the veteran/service member assess patterns in conflicts (e.g., topics of conflict, times conflicts are likely to happen, and with whom). It guides the veteran/service member in looking at initiation or maintenance of a conflict as something in which he/she has an active part, assisting him/her in taking active steps to resolve conflict in healthy ways. This assignment fits extremely well into a treatment plan that is based on cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) or Cognitive Processing Therapy (CPT) and lends itself well to role-playing approaches in individual, couple, or group counseling. This can be valuable for veterans/service members who are in recovery from addictions and at risk for stress-related relapse, as relationship conflict is one of the most common stressors reported as leading to relapse. Follow-up or concurrent treatment activities can include bibliotherapy using one or more of the books listed for this issue in Appendix A of The Veterans and Active Duty Military Psychotherapy Treatment Planner and/or videotherapy using relevant films suggested in Rent Two Films and Let's Talk in the Morning, 2nd ed., by John W. Hesley and Jan G. Hesley, also published by John Wiley & Sons.

EXERCISE XIII.B Understanding Sources Of Conflict

Conflict in any group of people is inevitable, whether it's a military unit, a family, or a civilian work team, and it can either weaken or strengthen that group. On one hand, resolving conflict in negative ways (e.g., ignoring, being physically or emotionally abusive, refusing to admit wrongs, blaming others, leaving) creates more problems and further isolates people from each other. On the other, resolving conflict in positive ways helps teamwork and relationships grow stronger. To manage conflict in a positive way, we have to look at our roles in starting, maintaining, and resolving conflicts, and be willing to change our behavior as well as asking others to change theirs. This exercise asks you to gather information about what conflict looks like in your life to help you find patterns you can correct and get better results.

1. For each conflict event in your life for the next two weeks, please write down the following:

  • Date and time.
  • Intensity of the conflict (1=very low to 10=very high).
  • Situation.
  • Who was present?
  • Your actions during the conflict.
  • The actions of the other person(s) involved.
  • What did you want to have happen as the outcome of the conflict?
  • What was the outcome?

After two weeks, please review your conflict journal and answer the following questions:

2. What themes or patterns did you notice about the conflicts you recorded?

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3. What times of the day were conflicts or arguments most likely to occur (e.g., upon waking, at breakfast, during the work day, bedtime, after work/school)?

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4. If any conflict situations came up more than once, what were they?

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5. What role(s) did you most often play in the conflicts you recorded (e.g., instigator, victim, peacemaker, rescuer, defender, etc.)?

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6. If any of these conflicts ended with positive results, how were they different based on the factors we asked you to list in item 1? From those that ended badly, what was different about the situation, who was involved, what were they about, how did people behave, and so on?

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7. Do you tend to see arguments as right/wrong, win/lose, or as situations where the best result is a compromise everyone can live with? Either way, how do you think this view affects the conflicts in which you're involved?

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8. What problems came up repeatedly and made it harder to resolve conflicts?

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9. What do you feel needs to change to reduce negative conflict in your life?

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10. Do you tend to get into conflicts with some members of your family more often than others? If so, why do you think this is?

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11. Talk with someone you trust who usually gets along with people really well, and ask him or her about the ways they deal with conflict in their lives and get positive results. Record their answers here:

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12. Write down one thing you can begin to work on in the next week to approach conflict in your unit, family, or workplace differently.

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Be sure to bring this handout with you to your next therapy session, and be prepared to discuss your thoughts and feelings about the exercise.