Section XXIII: Parenting Problems Related to Deployment

How Will I Explain this Deployment to My Children?

Goals of the Exercise

1. Resolve guilt issues surrounding leaving the child.

2. Learn proven parenting techniques.

3. Implement proven techniques daily.

4. Obtain a greater sense of adequacy and competency in parenting.

Additional Problems for which this Exercise may be Useful

Suggestions for Processing this Exercise with Service Members

The “How Will I Explain this Deployment to My Children?” activity is designed to pro-vide service members who are parents of minor children, and are preparing to deploy away from home for a significant time, with guidance on preparing their children for their absence. Its goal is to help these service members, and their spouses/partners/other adult caregivers who will be taking care of their children, prepare those children for the deployment by answering common questions and concerns to minimize the stress the deployment causes. Follow-up for this exercise could include discussing the completed plan with the therapist, possibly in a couples session, before the deploying service member departs; bibliotherapy using books suggested in Appendix A of The Veterans and Active Duty Military Psychotherapy Treatment Planner and/or videotherapy using films on the topics of “Friends and Support Systems” and/or “Parent-Child Relationships” recommended in Rent Two Films and Let's Talk in the Morning, 2nd ed., by John W. Hesley and Jan G. Hesley, also published by John Wiley & Sons.

EXERCISE XXIII.A How Will I Explain this Deployment To My Children?

Deployments are difficult for both parents and children, but the stress they cause children can vary a lot depending on what they know about where you're going and what you'll be doing. The way you present this information should depend on the children's ages and levels of understanding. This activity will share some pointers that may help you reduce the stress for your children.

1. Where to start: A good way to start is to ask your children what they want to know and what they're worried about, and answer those questions first. When will you ask them what questions they have about your deployment? Set aside time to talk for a while.

_____

_____

In general, children want to know about these things:

a. Where are you going? The answer will vary depending on your children's under-standing of the world, but maps are helpful for most ages. Beyond place names and points on the map, they'll want to know what the place is like. It's important to ask what they already know, or think they know. Mistaken ideas may cause them a lot of needless stress. What will you tell them about where you're going, matching it to their levels of understanding?

_____

_____

b. When will you leave and when will you come back? For older children, straight-forward answers in terms of dates and duration are what they're looking for. With younger children, those may not mean much; for them, it may work better if you can compare the length of time to another they're familiar with, along the lines of “as long as it has been since your birthday,” “after Halloween,” etc. How will you explain this to your children?

_____

_____

c. What will you be doing and what will be happening? This may be an area where their ages make the most difference in what they can grasp and what is wise to share with them, especially if your mission will involve, or might involve, combat duty. The key is to be as reassuring as possible while still being honest. Give them a chance to express upset feelings if they need to do so and validate their feelings. How you answer this question?

_____

_____

_____

d. Why? The younger the child, the more you'll hear this question. Beyond the nature of the mission, the answer depends on the child's level of understanding; positive answers about ways you'll be helping people, and parallels between children where you're going and your children, are good. With young children, expect this question to keep coming up because they often want to go over the same information again and again; it's part of the way children younger than about kindergarten age process information. It may also mean they're anxious and want the answers confirmed for them. It can be stressful for you when they keep asking the same questions, but bear with it and stay patient and positive. It can be a cue to ask them whether that particular question is one they're worried about, too, and give them a chance to express their feelings to you. How will you handle this question?

_____

_____

e. What will happen to them while you're away? Children may want reassurance that they'll be taken care of while you're deployed. The best answer has two parts: first, a straightforward explanation of what to expect in their daily lives. “Mom/Dad will be here and will take care of you,” “You'll keep going to school the way you do now,” and so on. Part two concerns how you'll stay in touch (the activity titled “How Will I Stay in Touch with My Children?” may help). A plan with the children's input for frequent communication will go a long way to ease their worries. How will you answer this?

_____

_____

2. Age differences: The answers children can understand vary with age roughly as follows (adjust to your own children's thinking and personalities):

a. Toddler through kindergarten: Children in this stage think in very literal, concrete terms, and they don't understand differences in the scale of time and distance well. For example, they may not be able to grasp the difference between two weeks and two months, or between fifty miles and a thousand. Visual aids can help, like a calendar with a box per day for them to color in, say before dinner every day.

b. Kindergarten through mid-elementary school: Grasp of scale is improving but can still be hazy. Children in this age range may be more aware of world events on the news and form fears based on things they hear—check for this, along with any misinterpretations.

c. Upper elementary through middle school: These children are more aware of world events and are able to grasp the scales of time and distance. They still tend to see issues in simplistic all-or-nothing terms, but are often interested in learning complexities they may not have known about. Take your cue from them as to when they've heard enough to satisfy them.

d. High school: Adolescents, somewhere between childhood and adulthood, can often understand concepts at adult levels but have trouble with emotions. They may be the most interested in the complexities of the situation where you're going, and may have a realistic grasp of whatever risks are involved. Be as positive as you can and still be honest.

How will you tailor your explanations to your children's needs?

_____

_____

3. The hard questions: These vary with age, the child's personality, and the deploy-ment's nature, but they usually relate to danger to you, whether you'll be fighting or killing people, and maybe any controversy in the news about the situation. It may be best to plan your answers with your therapist, ideally in a joint session with your spouse/partner. Part of your answer may need to be an acknowledgment that the questions don't have comfortable answers.

Be sure to bring this handout back to your next session with your therapist, and be prepared to discuss your thoughts and feelings about the exercise.

How Will I Stay in Touch With My Children?

Goals of the Exercise

1. Resolve guilt issues surrounding leaving the child.

2. Learn proven parenting techniques.

3. Obtain a greater sense of adequacy and competency in parenting.

Additional Problems for which this Exercise may be Useful

Suggestions for Processing this Exercise with Service Members

The “How Will I Stay in Touch with My Children?” exercise is for service members who are parents of minor children and are preparing to deploy for a significant time. Its goal is to help these service members and the spouses/partners/other adult caregivers who will take care of the children, plan ways to maintain relationships with the children while deployed and address everyone's concerns about the separation. It guides the adults in concrete planning in four areas that can be sources of concern or problems: arranging communication between the deployed service member and the caregiver and children at home; agreement between the adults on rules and discipline techniques for the children while the deploying parent is away; sources of practical and emotional support for the caregiver at home, who is temporarily functioning as a single parent; and ways for the service member and children to reconnect after the deployment, including preparation for developmental changes in the children that have taken place while the service member was away. Follow-up can include discussing the plan with the therapist in a couples session before the service member departs, as well as bibliotherapy with books listed in Appendix A of The Veterans and Active Duty Military Psychotherapy Treatment Planner and/or videotherapy using films on “Friends and Support Systems” and/or “Parent-Child Relationships” recommended in Rent Two Films and Let's Talk in the Morning, 2nd ed., by John W. Hesley and Jan G. Hesley, published by John Wiley & Sons.

EXERCISE XXIII.B How Will I Stay in Touch With My Children?

Being separated from your children can be one of the most difficult parts of deployment. Particularly with very young children, service members who will be deployed for any significant length of time may worry about their bonds with their children being weakened or even the children forgetting them; as for the children, they may feel abandoned or rejected and react with fear, anger, or depression. The adult staying at home with the children may feel overwhelmed and at risk for depression or burnout, and will be in greater need than usual of a good emotional support system. Finally, as the deployment nears its end, there are questions about ways to reconnect when the service member gets home. This exercise will help you and your spouse or other caregiver plan for each of these concerns so you can minimize the difficulty of your deployment for everyone involved.

1. Staying in Touch: There are many ways to stay close to your children while you're away. Your choices will depend on their ages and the length and nature of your deployment and your command may provide resources in this area. Here are some things you can do—circle the ones that you think would be helpful for your family.

a. Using maps and globes: Put a map showing both where the children are and the place(s) you'll be deployed on a wall at home, and use push-pins to mark both places; if you're going to be at sea or otherwise going to a number of places, the adult who is with the children can use a marker to trace your travels so the children can follow your movements. A globe can be used the same way. How will you do this?

_____

_____

b. Calendars: Use either a regular calendar or one you create on a computer to show the passing of time from the beginning to the end of the deployment. If your return date is fixed, mark that date on the calendar so the children can see it getting closer. What kind of calendar would work best with your children and what occasions will you put on it?

_____

_____

c. Information about deployment locations: Find books, magazines, etc. with information and photos so your children can see what things are like where you're going. What information would your children be most interested in, and where will you find it?

_____

_____

d. Regular communication: You may have the opportunity to phone and/or email home, or even use a webcam for conversations so you can see and hear each other. Make a communication schedule, especially for occasions like birthdays. Letters are also good because the children can read letters from you over and over, put them on the wall, and so on. They can mail written messages, art from school, and so on, to you. How and when will you communicate?

_____

_____

e. Talking about feelings: It's good to have the children tell you their thoughts, concerns, and emotions, and for you to tell them how you feel about them. This is a chance to validate their feelings, and it may turn out that they misunderstand the situation in some way that causes them distress that you can correct. When will you sit down with them for this talk?

_____

2. Rules and Discipline: It's important for you and the at-home adult to agree before you depart. It's best to change things as little as possible from the norms when you're home, and for you to sit down with the children and present this as a united front. The adult who is home should keep you informed while deployed; let the children know that you are still a team. Avoid the “wait until your father comes home” scenario—you don't want the children to fear your return! Every chance you get, praise the children for following rules and being helpful. It can help to give them more responsibilities and let them know you're depending on them. When will you plan for rules and discipline, and when will you have this talk with the children?

_____

3. Support for the Parent/Other Caregiver at Home: Beyond your expression of support during your communications, your command may make arrangements for spouses to meet to provide mutual emotional support and practical assistance (e.g., taking turns babysitting so they can have a chance to spend some time going to a movie) and to decompress and de-stress. This may be a good time, if work and school allow, for the adult home with the children to take them on a trip to visit relatives. What are your plans for this kind of emotional and practical support for the adult not deploying?

_____

_____

4. Preparation for Homecoming and Reconnecting: As your return approaches, be sure the at-home caregiver keeps you up-to-date on the children's development—the younger they are, the more they'll change. Prepare the children for any changes that will happen when you get home. The ideal is no surprises for anyone (other than gifts, of course). The caregiver at home may have gotten used to being the sole adult and this can lead to friction; this is normal, and communication will help you work through it. Also, don't be surprised if the children resist your authority at first or try to play you off against each other—it doesn't mean there is anything wrong with them; just don't let them succeed. It's good to spend a lot of unstructured, low-stress time getting used to each other again—a relaxed family vacation may be in order. Also, though this exercise is mainly about the children, you and your partner will want time alone. Relatives may be able to watch the children for a few days so you can have that. What are your plans for activities when you return?

_____

_____

_____

_____

Be sure to bring this handout back to your next session with your therapist, and be prepared to discuss your thoughts and feelings about the exercise.