Section XXX: Separation and Divorce

Getting Through the Loss of a Relationship

Goals of the Exercise

1. Evaluate the possibility of resolving the differences and review the pros and cons of remaining married.

2. Consistently uphold “the best interests of the children” as paramount and act accordingly, regardless of the final fate of the marriage.

3. Resolve the initial confusion and turmoil of separation.

4. Mourn the end of the relationship and reach a fair divorce agreement.

Additional Problems for which this Exercise may be Useful

Suggestions for Processing this Exercise with Veterans/Service Members

The “Getting Through the Loss of a Relationship” activity is for veterans/service members who are either experiencing relationship problems that may lead to loss of the relationship, or are currently or recently ending a relationship. Its approach is cognitive-behavioral, guiding the veteran/service member in identifying and correcting depressive distortions in his or her thinking, as well as replacing negatively distorted self-talk with positive and realistic self-talk. Follow-up can be the exercise “Avoiding Rebounds, Replays, and Resentments: Identifying and Changing Patterns That Aren't Working,” reading assignments from books listed in Appendix A of The Veterans and Active Duty Military Psychotherapy Treatment Planner, and videotherapy with films suggested for “Adoption and Custody” and “Divorce” in Rent Two Films and Let's Talk in the Morning, 2nd ed., by John W. Hesley and Jan G. Hesley, published by John Wiley & Sons.

EXERCISE XXX.A Getting Through the Loss of a Relationship

There is no easy or painless way to get through a divorce or the breakup of another committed long-term relationship, at least not for anyone who had his or her heart in it in the first place. Loss of a primary relationship is one of the most stressful experiences a person can have. In some ways it's a lot like the death of a loved one. There are things we can do to cope with this situation as well as possible, especially in terms of the emotional pain involved and of not letting our feelings of anger, hurt, and loss lead us to actions we would regret in years to come. This exercise will give you the benefit of the experience of others who've traveled the same road.

1. The first and possibly most important thing in this situation: Don't be hasty or reckless. When a relationship has been difficult or we've suffered a major betrayal, the urge to end it can be powerfully fueled by strong emotions, and the uncertainty of leaving things unsettled can seem like torture. Ending the relationship may be the best thing to do—but be sure. Ending a marriage or other long-term committed relationship may be the second biggest decision of a lifetime, second only to entering the relationship in the first place. If children are involved, it may be the biggest. It's important to your future peace of mind to know you've sincerely weighed all less drastic alternatives. If your partner is firmly intent on ending it, you may have no say in the matter. But if you do, unless the relationship is abusive or otherwise dangerous, the best and wisest course may be to try to solve the problems together before giving up on each other. If you succeed, you may emerge with a relationship stronger and warmer than ever. How have you and your partner tried to work through the problems that are now bringing you to the point of contemplating divorce/permanent separation?

_____

_____

_____

2. The next vital consideration is to make sure that no matter how angry, hurt, or devastated you are, you behave in ways you won't regret when those feelings have faded, and they will. It's almost certain that if you are a fundamentally decent person but do things that are needlessly hurtful to your partner, and even more so to your children if you have them, you will someday wish you had been kinder. It's important to remember three things. First, this is someone you once were so much in love with that you decided to spend the rest of your life with him or her. Second, this was not how either of you planned or wanted things to turn out—you both entered the relationship with loving intentions. Third, all of the hurt you cause each other, your children will feel equally sharply, and how you behave will affect your relationships with them from now on. This is a time when the perspective of a good and wise person who isn't emotionally involved can save you from impulsive words or acts that may echo for decades. Who can you turn to for this kind of feedback?_____

3. A bit more about the children: It's normal for children to blame themselves when bad things happen around them, and they often think it's their fault if their parents split up—“If I'd been a better kid, Mom and Dad wouldn't have been so stressed out…” and so on. Please sit down with them, you and your partner together if possible, and make sure they know that this is not about them, and that you both love them as much as ever. Beyond that, the three worst things parents do to their children in these situations are (1) ask them to take sides, (2) use them as go-betweens instead of shielding them as much as possible, and (3) worst of all, use the children as weapons to hurt each other. These things can leave the children feeling guilty for the rest of their lives. They need you to be the adults and let them be children. If you have children, how have you and your partner agreed to cooperate to look out for their best interests?

_____

_____

4. Now that we've dealt with responsibilities to others, it's time to look at taking care of yourself. The first three items were intentionally put ahead of this, because those are obligations to others that cannot ethically take a backseat to meeting one's own needs. With that said, though, we do also have the right and duty to look after our own well-being during this process. One way to look at it is that it's a time to treat yourself the way you would treat a sibling or close friend in the same situation. That starts with how you talk to yourself. We all talk to ourselves all day long, sometimes silently, sometimes aloud. It's important to pay attention to what we say to ourselves about ourselves. Even in normal times it's usually much more negative than positive. We call ourselves names and trash our own abilities, intelligence, and actions in ways very different from how we would ever talk to a friend. This is where being your own friend comes in. When you catch yourself in ugly self-talk, stop and correct it (kindly—don't beat yourself up for beating yourself up)! What negative things do you tell yourself most often?

_____

_____

_____

5. Another area that calls for mental monitoring is distorted thinking. It's normal to get depressed during a breakup, and when we get depressed our thinking gets negatively distorted. Distorted thinking is a big enough topic to more than take up this whole handout—we won't try to cover it here; please talk with your therapist and tackle it with him or her. For now, we'll just note that we have an especially strong tendency toward negative distortion in how we see ourselves, our situations, and our futures. Take a couple of minutes and look at how you're seeing those three areas; note anything you suspect may be more negative than realistic.

_____

_____

_____

A closing note: During this process you will be under extreme stress, and you won't be at the top of your game physically, mentally, or emotionally. It's wise to lower your expectations of yourself while you're going through this and for a while afterward. Again, be a friend to yourself.

Be sure to bring this handout back to your next therapy session, and be prepared to discuss your thoughts and feelings about the exercise.

Avoiding Rebounds, Replays, and Resentments: Identifying and Changing Patterns that Aren't Working

Goals of the Exercise

1. Evaluate the possibility of resolving the differences and review the pros and cons of remaining married.

2. Consistently uphold “the best interests of the children” as paramount and act accordingly, regardless of the final fate of the marriage.

3. Resolve the initial confusion and turmoil of separation.

4. Learn to cope with the varied losses that separation entails.

Additional Problems for which this Exercise may be Useful

Suggestions for Processing this Exercise with Veterans/Service Members

The “Avoiding Rebounds, Replays, and Resentments” activity is for veterans/service members who are ending a relationship or have recently done so. Its approach is cognitive-behavioral, guiding the veteran/service member to examine patterns in his/her thinking that may have contributed to the relationship's failure. Follow-up could include reading assignments from books listed in Appendix A of The Veterans and Active Duty Military Psychotherapy Treatment Planner, and/or videotherapy with films suggested for “Adoption and Custody” and “Divorce” in Rent Two Films and Let's Talk in the Morning, 2nd ed., by John W. Hesley and Jan G. Hesley, published by John Wiley & Sons.

EXERCISE XXX.B Avoiding Rebounds, Replays, and Resentments: Identifying and Changing Patterns that Aren't Working

One of the most common and painful mistakes many of us make under the stress of a divorce or loss of an equivalent relationship is to rebound quickly into a new relationship. It's easy to understand. Losing a relationship can leave a person sad and lonely; it may be a long time since he or she lacked a partner. At the same time, it's a hard blow to the self-esteem, a combination of failure—in front of family and friends, at that—with the most devastating rejection most of us will ever experience. Also, a person going through a divorce or long-term relationship breakup may be substantially older than the last time he or she was single, and we live in the most youth-oriented society imaginable. Finally, beyond the factors feeding a need for reassurance—that he or she is desirable, attractive, and not a loser doomed to grow old alone—there's often at least a bit of excitement about the possibility of finding a great new partner. With all those things working on us, it would be mystifying if a lot of people didn't jump into rebound relationships. Unless a newly single person does some work on himself or herself first, though, it usually doesn't end well. The purpose of this exercise is to offer suggestions for doing that work.

1. When we lose relationships we need to go through a grieving process, just as when someone close to us has died, and that takes time. When we seek to start new relationships too quickly it tends to be more because we feel we need to be with someone than because we want to be with that particular person. Rebounds are driven by fear and need; but to be fair to our future partner, we have to be emotionally whole rather than not yet healed. Trying to start a new relationship while a heart is still wounded is like trying to run a marathon on crutches. So we need to be honest with ourselves about how ready we are. What do you think some signs would be that you were recovered enough to have a fair chance of success in a new relationship?

_____

_____

_____

2. The next thing to look at is what you find attractive and exciting. Do you have a friend who keeps getting into relationships with partners who are similar types, and those relationships all turn out the same way? There's a good chance your friend's smart and has a lot going for him or her. Why can't he or she see this obvious pattern? Well, we don't tend to analyze what attracts us—we just go after it. We all have mental profiles of attractive partners. When we meet new people, we look for matches to our templates and focus on those who seem to fit. But there are two problems with this approach: First, we're in a hurry, so we test the depth of the water by jumping in headfirst when we don't really know what's beneath the surface; and second, what attracts us may not be so good for us anyway. Given a choice between somebody stable and dependable, and someone whose first name is Chaos and middle name is Drama, we often go for the “exciting” one. That's why, as many men lament, women seem drawn to the bad boys. But that cuts both ways, as a lot of women know. What about your ideal? Please list key qualities you want in a partner:

_____

_____

Now list several shared qualities you (or your friends) see in your last two or three partners:

_____

_____

Is there a disconnect between what you say you want and what you choose? It pays to work on yourself in this area before you start a new relationship or it's likely to be an instant replay.

3. We've talked about rebounds and replays. What about resentments? Why do you think that's included in this exercise?

_____

_____

There are two reasons. First, check your feelings about your ex-partner. Is there a lot of resentment there? If so, please list the most important things that anger you about him or her:

_____

_____

A lot of resentment toward your former partner is a sign of a couple of things that can wreck any new relationship. One is that if you have a lot of feeling left, even negative feeling, you aren't over that person yet. We don't get agitated about people we aren't interested in. The other is that a lot of resentment means you're seeing your ex as responsible for the relationship's failure, and you're feeling like the victim. If so, you're not looking for changes to make in yourself and you're likely to approach a new relationship the same way you did the one that just ended. Most of the time when a marriage or other long-term relationship ends, both partners share the responsibility and the mistakes. If we want better results we need to become better people. Looking at the resentments you listed, do you think your ex-partner might have similar resentments toward you?_____ How do you know yours are more valid than his or hers?

_____

True story: A man we know asked an older woman he considered wise why he couldn't find a good woman who wanted to be with him. He told her about all he had to offer and how women didn't appreciate him. She asked if he would write a one-page description of the character and personality of his ideal partner. He worked hard on it until he felt he had captured a perfect word portrait of the soul and essence of his ideal partner, then went back and handed the sheet to the woman. She handed it back unread and said, “Become this person, and she'll show up.” There's a lot of truth to the saying that we tend to attract, and be attracted to, people who are as healthy as we are at that moment. To find the best possible partner, one needs to be the best possible partner.

Be sure to bring this handout back to your next therapy session, and be prepared to discuss your thoughts and feelings about the exercise.