Section XXXIII: Social Discomfort

Getting More Comfortable in Social Situations

Goals of the Exercise

1. Interact socially without undue fear or anxiety.

2. Identify and replace biased, fearful self-talk with reality-based positive self-talk.

3. Learn and use social skills to reduce anxiety and build confidence.

4. Explore past experiences that may be sources of low self-esteem and social anxiety.

Additional Problems for which this Exercise may be Useful

Suggestions for Processing this Exercise with Veterans/Service Members

The “Getting More Comfortable in Social Situations” activity uses a cognitive therapy approach. It guides the veteran/service member to identify negative automatic thoughts that fuel social discomfort, then to identify experiences that contribute to the negative cognitions. Finally, the veteran/service member is asked to do a reality check on each negative belief, choose the three that detract most from his/her quality of life, and replace them with more balanced, realistic, and positive thoughts. It may help to review the examples in item 1 of distorted automatic thoughts that feed fear and add any that fit the situation. The veteran/service member may initially need help to develop positive, realistic statements to build confidence and counteract fear. Follow-up can include reporting back to the therapist/therapy group on thoughts and feelings about this assignment, as well as bibliotherapy with books listed in Appendix A of The Veterans and Active Duty Military Psychotherapy Treatment Planner.

EXERCISE XXXIII.A Getting More Comfortable in Social Situations

Anxiety about social situations is usually caused by distorted thoughts about ourselves and others. These distorted thoughts lead to negative emotions. We react to imaginary future events as if they have already come true, even if they're not really likely to happen. These thoughts can lead to social withdrawal and isolation. This exercise will help you identify distorted thoughts, see how they might have formed, and replace them with more realistic and positive thoughts.

1. These distorted thoughts may lead to social withdrawal. Please check any you experience:

_____ I never know what to say.

_____ I'll make a fool of myself if I speak up.

_____ I will get yelled at by my superior.

_____ These people are much smarter than I am.

_____ This person doesn't like me.

_____ I'm going to freak out or have a panic attack.

_____ I'm boring and have nothing to say unless I have a few drinks.

_____ I can tell by the way he/she is looking at me that he/she doesn't like me.

_____ Every time I go to a party or social gathering, people ignore me.

_____ My superior thinks I'm a poor soldier/sailor/airman/Marine.

_____ I'm not as good as the others in my unit.

2. If other negative thoughts go through your mind about social encounters, what are they?

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3. What's your greatest fear about social interactions—the possible situation you dread most?

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4. Have you had unpleasant experiences in social situations that taught you to expect future situations to be unpleasant, too, or to lack confidence in your ability to function in them? If so, what were those experiences and when did they happen? This includes childhood experiences of criticism or rejection from your parents, siblings, other relatives, teachers, or peers.

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5. Please describe any experiences in the military that increase your anxiety around people:

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6. Please review your responses on questions 1 and 2. For each, what evidence tells you they're accurate about yourself, other people, and situations, and what shows they aren't accurate? If you had to bet your next paycheck one way or the other, which would you bet? Note your thoughts about those items and the evidence you considered:

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7. Look back at question 3. How likely is that event or situation to actually happen? If it did, could you handle it? Is avoiding that risk worth giving up the enjoyment you've missed to avoid it?

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8. Please rate the strength of your desire to overcome your social fears:

1 = No Desire 2 3 4 5 = Strong Desire

9. Recall a time when you felt good about and enjoyed a social situation. What was different in that situation? What enabled you to overcome your anxiety?

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10. How could you apply the coping skills you used then to new social encounters, or find new situations with the same factors that helped you feel comfortable?

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11. Please review your answers to the first three questions again, and pick out the three items that seem most drastic—the ones that would bother or embarrass you the most if they became facts. Now write a replacement statement for each that is more realistic and positive. Write these three positive statements on a 3×5 index card, keep them in your pocket, and read them five times a day (when you get up, at each meal, and when you go to bed may be convenient times). As you read each one, picture in your mind's eye an example of that positive statement being true about you in the situation(s) where it applies. Do this daily for a month, then check your original answers to this exercise and see whether your thinking and behavior have changed.

Positive statement a:

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Positive statement b:

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Positive statement c:

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Be sure to bring this handout back to your next session with your therapist, and be prepared to discuss your thoughts and feelings about the exercise.

Finding a Social Niche and Friendships

Goals of the Exercise

1. Interact socially without undue fear or anxiety.

2. Develop the essential social skills that will enhance the quality of relationship life.

3. Learn and use social skills to reduce anxiety and build confidence.

4. Participate in social performance requirements without undue fear or anxiety.

Additional Problems for which this Exercise may be Useful

Suggestions for Processing this Exercise with Veterans/Service Members

The “Finding a Social Niche and Friendships” activity is designed to help the veteran/ service member reduce loneliness and isolation and find a comfortable peer group based on his/her existing interests. It guides the veteran/service member to identify activities he/she finds rewarding, analyze them to identify the qualities that make them enjoyable, look for new activities that exemplify those qualities, and seek out chances to engage in activities he/she already enjoys and any new activities that are available. The rationale is twofold. First, engaging in those activities is a good way to meet peers who share the same interests. Second, whether new friendships come out of these activities or not, spending more time in activities the veteran/service member enjoys will improve his/her quality of life and reduce distress related to loneliness. Follow-up can include reporting back to the therapist/therapy group on thoughts and feelings about this assignment, as well as bibliotherapy using books listed in Appendix A of The Veterans and Active Duty Military Psychotherapy Treatment Planner.

EXERCISE XXXIII.B Finding a Social Niche and Friendships

One of the difficult parts of relocating is being in a new place where you may not know anyone and feeling lonely as a result. If you tend to be shy it can be hard to meet new friends and find a social circle where you fit in comfortably. This exercise will guide you through a strategy that has been useful for many people in this situation.

1. Happiness is a basic goal for all of us. Many of the things we do, we do because we hope or believe they'll make us happy. People try to find happiness in many ways with varied degrees of success. What are some ways you've tried to achieve happiness, and how did they work?

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2. A psychologist named Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi decided to find out how happiness works and did extensive research on it. He learned that the thing that makes people happiest is spending time in activities they enjoy so much that they get absorbed in them and forget everything else when they're engaged in those activities. He also found that the people who spend the most time in those activities are the people who have the highest overall levels of happiness and satisfaction with life. Does this match your own experience with recreational or work activities that are the most interesting to you?

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3. A good place to start looking for friendships and a social group where you fit in is to find people who enjoy the same activities as you—and the best way to find them is to go and participate in those activities yourself. However, sometimes the hobbies, sports, or other activities you've enjoyed most in the past aren't available where you live now. Is that part of your situation now?

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4. If so, there's still a way to use this strategy. Look at the activities that are available to you now but that you've never tried and figure out which ones you would like. The first step is to think about the things you have enjoyed doing and figure out what it was that made them fun and satisfying for you. Please list several things you know you like to do:

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5. Now we need to look at what makes those particular things more satisfying for you than other activities. A good way to do that is to look for patterns. Here's a list of qualities various activities can have. Please check off those you see as patterns in the things that are the most fun for you:

_____ Fast-paced _____ Physically intense _____ Competitive
_____ Outdoors _____ Can be indoors _____ Mentally demanding
_____ Requires precision _____ Cooperative _____ Doesn't require being athletic
_____ Long-term projects _____ Quickly completed _____ Takes a long time to play
_____ Attention to detail _____ Quickly learned _____ Takes a long time to master
_____ Played as team _____ Played one-on-one _____ Results in something to keep
_____ Requires use of tools _____ Requires imagination _____ Different every time
_____ Large groups _____ Rehearsed technique _____ Fun to either watch or play
_____ Small groups _____ Can be fully mastered _____ Always more to learn
_____ Related to work _____ Luck plays a role _____ Determined by skill only

6. Now you have a short list of the qualities that make an activity a source of pleasure for you. The next thing to do is to identify as many hobbies, sports, and other things to do that are available to you now and have most or all of the qualities you enjoy most. Some good places to find this information could be in the phone book, in local newspapers, at recreational facilities on base, on local TV and radio programming, at stores that sell equipment for activities you know you like, and via an Internet search. Looking around at recreational and educational opportunities in your area, which ones seem likely to be fun for you?

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7. If you go explore these activities, you're likely to find people participating in them who like to do the same kinds of things you like. The process of checking these activities out, and asking the people you find there questions about how to try them out, will give you an easy, natural way to meet some potential new friends. Which activities will you investigate first, and when will you do this?

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There's another benefit, too. Remember what we learned about quality of life—that the people who spend the most time doing things that fascinate them and give them satisfaction are the people who are happiest and most satisfied with their lives overall? That makes it likely that the very act of getting into some new hobbies or other interesting activities will help you improve your level of happiness, whether it leads to new friendships or not. Also, when you do this, it helps you feel more of a sense of control over your life, because you're actively choosing how things go instead of having them just happen to you.

Be sure to bring this handout with you to your next therapy session, and be prepared to discuss your thoughts and feelings about the exercise.