Family life is of considerable importance to the Thais; it represents continuity and security in the face of a hostile world. Although differences may arise among members of the family, every effort is made to keep these to a minimum so that the family system is not damaged. Unlike the West where nuclear families are the norm, in Thailand the extended family is more usual, and it is not uncommon for several generations of one family to live under the same roof. This happens particularly in the case of traditional Chinese families and aristocratic Thai families.
As in Thai society, so within the family itself. A child quickly learns where he or she stands in relation to the other people under the same roof. Your elders are your betters in Thai tradition and should be given due deference. Mother and father are mea and paw respectively, and the child will learn to address them as khun meah and khun paw (Mrs. Mother and Mr. Father). The child will be expected to show deference to elder siblings, too, and will call them pee rather than the normal word for “you.” They will call him nong (younger sibling). When differentiation between the sexes is needed pee chai means elder brother, pee sau elder sister. Nong chai is younger brother and nong sau younger sister.
Whereas in the West we have relatively few nouns to describe our relations, the Thais have a proliferation. Grandmother is either ya (paternal grandmother) or yai (maternal grandmother); grandfather is boo (paternal grandfather) or da (maternal grandfather). Aunt will be ba (parent’s elder sister) or ah (parent’s younger sister). Uncle will be either lung (parent’s older brother), ah (father’s younger brother), or nah (mother’s younger brother).
The Thais are very fond of children, and though they often pamper them they are strict in some matters. Children are brought up to know their place, to behave politely, and show respect—traits that carry over into adult life.
But there is a concern that Thai children do not think creatively as a result of passive rote learning in schools. Although they are offered twelve years of free schooling (nine of them compulsory) and 20 percent of GDP is spent on education, the quality of teaching is poor and standards are falling. Despite a literacy rate well in excess of 90 percent, pupils score poorly in international comparison tests. Better-off parents who recognize the importance of education prefer to enrol their children in private schools, both at home and abroad, where standards are perceived to be higher.
To an outsider, Thai names seem inordinately long and complex. Most given names are of two or three syllables and the surnames are even longer. Past prime ministers have rejoiced in the ponderous names of Chatichai Choonhavan and Chavalit Yongchaiyudh. These names are derived from the Sanskrit of Indian culture, and the longer surnames are hardly ever used in speech.
Thais did not have surnames until 1913, when King Vajiravudh, wishing to make Thais conscious of family honor, passed a law compelling everyone to take a surname. Ethnic Chinese, who in most other countries have monosyllabic Chinese names, have adopted Thai names. Thais claim to be able to tell from a person’s surname whether the person is ethnic Chinese or Thai, and influential or not.
Within the family and among friends it is unlikely that Chatichai and Chavalit will be addressed by these names. All Thais have nicknames that remain with them all their lives. These are usually convenient one-syllable names and not always complimentary. Examples are: Deng (Red), Uan (Fatty), Awt (Tadpole), Moo (Piggy), Noi (Titch, or Little One).
A Thai has obligations to the rest of his family, however distant. If a second cousin comes down from the north to seek work in Bangkok, he will expect to be offered hospitality by his relations. If you hold an important position, your relations will expect you to find a job for them. This is all in the name of family solidarity. Nepotism may be frowned on in the West, but in Thailand it thrives.
Many Thais see advantages in the Thai system, for rather than appointing a perfect stranger you are offering a chance to someone whose strengths and weakness are well known to you.
The birth of a child is not celebrated to the extent that it is in the West. Some parents live in fear that the spirits (pee) will snatch the baby away; this superstition probably dates from the days of high infant mortality, which fortunately is not the case in Thailand today.
Problems start if people praise the child’s good looks, for the spirits will be listening and are liable to snatch any pretty baby away from them. So when confronted with a baby, the Thais are more likely to comment on its ugliness than its beauty, and then the risk of kidnap by spirits is diminished.
The exact time of birth is normally recorded and given to an astrologer to predict the child’s future and warn the parents of any steps needed to ensure a successful outcome. The American sociologist William S. Klausner and his wife were once asked if they could become the ceremonial parents of a baby girl, because an astrologer had predicted a bleak future for the child unless she was given to a foreign couple for adoption.
A Thai’s life is reckoned in cycles of twelve years. The end of each cycle is a cause for special celebration (twelfth birthday, twenty-fourth birthday, and so on) with the sixtieth birthday regarded as the most important of all. According to Oriental astrology, each year is named after one of the twelve animals that came to bid the Lord Buddha farewell before he departed from the Earth—a rat, buffalo, tiger, rabbit, dragon, snake, horse, sheep, monkey, cock, dog, and pig. The animal ruling the year in which you were born is supposed to have a profound influence on your life and outlook.
Marriage is regarded as a desirable state since it provides for stability and the continuance of the race. The Thais always want to know if an individual is married or not.
Traditionally, courting couples are not supposed to be left alone, and if the boy takes the girl out, it is quite likely that one or more of her sisters will accompany them as a chaperone. It was also traditional for the groom to pay his parents-in-law a “bride price”—compensation to the parents for bringing up their daughter and a guarantee against desertion—but this is not so common nowadays.
Weddings are an important event in every Thai’s life, and in order to ensure a propitious date and time it is usual to consult a Brahmin astrologer. He will give a very precise time, down to the nearest minute, for the wedding. This means that wedding ceremonies take place at odd times, such as 11:28 a.m. or 4:53 p.m.
On the morning of the wedding it is customary for the couple to go to the temple to give food to the monks and to visit the bride’s and bridegroom’s parents. Sometimes monks come to bless the house in which the couple will reside by sprinkling lustral water around. Another tradition is for an elderly couple whose married life has been exemplary to make the bridal bed and then lie down on it.
The wedding ceremony takes place at the chosen location, which could be the parental home or a hotel. The couple may be dressed in white or in traditional Thai costume. They kneel side by side in a crouching position, their heads joined by a white thread. Garlands are hung around their necks. They press their palms together and hold their hands over a silver vessel, and an elder pours lustral water over them from a conch shell. The elder could be a senior member of the family, a high-ranking person who is a family friend, or their boss. For very high-profile weddings it could be the King or Prime Minister. The guests then line up in order of seniority and follow suit. There may be a speech, but it is normally brief.
It is the custom to give gifts, and knives, handkerchiefs, and the color black should be avoided. If the gift is a set of objects, such as glasses, odd numbers are preferred. Wedding gifts should be placed on a designated table. But do not be offended if your gift is not acknowledged. Thais are not effusive in their thanks, but this does not mean they are not appreciative.
At one time, as in other Asian cultures, arranged marriages were common, but this tradition appears to have died out, though you may still come across examples in rural areas.
When a person is dying, a lighted candle is placed by their bedside. After the death the deceased’s family wait until the candle has burned out before the body is washed and massaged. Then the eyes are closed, and in due course the immediate family sends candles, joss sticks, and flowers to extended family members before the body is put in the coffin.
The coffin is kept either at home or in the temple for a period that varies from seven to one hundred days. Monks chant extracts from the Abhidhamma scripture daily, and a longer service is held every seventh day. During this time well-wishers come to meditate and pay respects to the deceased and to the image of the Lord Buddha. They are offered refreshments, and may make a donation to the family to help defray costs. The women wear black dresses during mourning. The prolonged ritual is designed to create the illusion that the dead person remains with his loved ones, thus lessening their sense of loss.
The final stage is the chanting of the Abhidhamma followed by cremation of the body. You will see few tears at a Thai funeral, but rather a gentle stoicism.
For all their apparent demureness Thai women are more emancipated than their sisters in many other Asian countries. Many of them hold down important jobs—as company directors, hotel managers, civil service department heads, doctors, teachers, and lecturers. A number are highly educated and articulate, and many have traveled abroad, and exude an air of self-confidence.
Yet there is still a feeling that a woman’s place is in the home. While the husband will go off to paint the town red with his friends, the wife stays at home. She often has control of the household finances, and many a Thai husband dutifully hands over his salary to his wife.
Some wealthier men have a separate home where they keep a concubine (mia noi, or “little wife”). This is regarded in some quarters as a status symbol, and they do not always limit themselves to one mia noi.
In country areas the subservience of women is more obvious. They serve their menfolk with food first and eat the leftovers later, and daughters-in-law are traditionally regarded as lazy good-for-nothings. It is not much fun for a young girl, especially if the marriage does not work out. Is it any wonder that so many flee their villages for the bright lights of Bangkok where they can earn a comparative fortune as bar girls, masseuses, or go-go dancers? All this sounds much more sanùk than being under the thumb of your mother-in-law. And who can blame them?
The traditional Thai house is built of wood and is raised on stilts to protect it from floods. It consists of a large veranda, a number of rooms offering living and sleeping accommodation, and a thatched roof. In some places (for example, near Kanchanaburi) you encounter floating houses that were very much the norm in Bangkok until the reign of King Mongkut.
Modern Thai houses—in the towns at least—come in a variety of forms and tend to use brick and concrete rather than wood. However, many still have verandas on the first floor, which provide good ventilation. Mosquito coils are lit at night to deter these unwelcome visitors.
The more expensive houses will have air-conditioning units—in the bedrooms, at least—but others make do with fans. Ceiling fans are a particularly effective means of ventilating a room. Most windows will have mosquito screens to avoid the need for a mosquito net.
Modern houses will have Western-style bathrooms with hot and cold running water. Others will just have a cold-water shower. Not that it matters, since in a hot climate showering in cold water is no ordeal. Where there is no shower appliance in the bathroom you will need to scoop water from a barrel into a bowl and throw it over your body.
In older houses and in the country the toilets tend to be of the “Oriental” type, which means you squat over them rather than sit on them. If they do not have a flush, you scoop water into a container and put it down the toilet.
You often see people in sarongs bathing in the rivers and canals. This practice is not to be recommended for visitors, since the water in such places is often badly polluted.
While the family circle is of utmost importance, there is a second circle of support that is important to a Thai: the workplace. Indeed, the best situation is if the place where you work bears a resemblance to your home, where you have colleagues you know and who will help you. It is an added bonus if some of them also happen to be members of your own family.
The ideal workplace should offer an individual a sense of security, with his department head or line manager playing the role of a father or mother figure. He or she needs to be someone you can trust and confide in, and who will offer you support where it is needed. In return the individual accepts the hierarchical structure and avoids speaking out of turn.
Once you are settled in your workplace, and it proves to be congenial, you will naturally choose to stay there as long as possible—ideally for life.
The Thais tend to look on foreigners either as equals or as an endless source of amusement. They regard the typical Westerner as a bit awkward and lacking in finesse, but they are prepared to overlook our shortcomings. After all, a foreigner can be a portent of good luck, and as you walk along the backstreets of Bangkok small children will run up and touch you for luck—or call out “Hey, you!” in order to demonstrate their English prowess.
However, there are cultural differences to be overcome. Foreigners tend to regard Thais as inscrutable because they do not express their feelings. The Thais have been brought up to be undemonstrative, and they are wary about forging instant friendships. They prefer to develop relationships over a period of time.
Problems may start when farang boy meets Thai girl. If they are seen out together the Thais tend to believe the worst—that the boy’s intentions are far from honorable and that the girl is either a prostitute or his concubine. Even Thai women who are legitimately married to farangs can be the butt of unkind remarks. There does not seem to be a problem if the husband is Thai and the wife foreign. Indeed, single foreign women visiting Thailand are apt to receive proposals of marriage.
The uneasiness occasioned by “marrying out” persisted when the King’s eldest daughter married an American in the 1970s. Though she was by no means the first member of the royal family to marry another national—a former potential heir to the throne married a Russian and was debarred from becoming king—Thais were uncomfortable with the match and preferred not to talk about it.
Nowadays, intermarriage is becoming more common and in some circles attitudes are becoming more relaxed. But for a Thai woman who is not married, there could still be a social stigma attached to going out alone with a foreigner. Going out in a group with non-Thais that includes other women, however, is much more acceptable.
Most Thais prefer to take people to a restaurant rather than invite them to their homes for a party or meal. One reason is that their homes may be small, or crowded with relations. Well-to-do people who have suitable, and often lavish, premises entertain at home from time to time. If a Thai does invite you to his home, however luxurious or humble, it is a sign that he regards you as a true friend.
On entering the house you should take your shoes off as a sign of respect. There will normally be chairs, but if not you should sit on the floor on your heels, not with your feet sticking out. Don’t expect to be shown around the house. Your host will have a specially designated sitting room for receiving visitors, and this is where you should remain.
It is a nice idea to take a small gift—flowers, confectionery, or cookies are perfect—attractively wrapped, if possible. Men appreciate brandy or whiskey, unless they happen to be Muslims. But they will not shower you with thanks or even open it in your presence, as this would detract from the worth of the gift.