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I WASN’T LYING WHEN I said what happened between us couldn’t happen again. Or perhaps I should have said, shouldn’t. Because it wasn’t long until I found myself tangled up in his arms, again and again.
No one knew what was going on between us. He would slip away from his Council duties when he had the time, and I would leave class early in order to meet him. I didn’t think my parents knew but occasionally over dinner, my father would give me a look that hinted that he might.
Whenever that happened, I always ignored it and asked about his work. So far, he’d gone with the flow of the conversation, never calling me out, never demanding answers. I was grateful that he didn’t push, although I was tempted to tell him everything.
But then I would stop myself. I couldn’t get him involved.
Technically, what Matlock and I were doing was treasonous. We could be prosecuted for it, and by we, I meant me. They weren’t going to punish Matlock. I was the one risking everything. At least with my secrecy, my dad had plausible deniability.
“This is the last time,” I said between kisses as Matlock all but ripped off my shirt. He made sure every time we were intimate there was a protective spell that would alert us to surprise guests and soundproof the walls to safeguard that we couldn’t be overheard.
“If you say so,” he replied even though we both knew that wasn’t the case.
Afterwards, I stared up at my ceiling, blankets covering my chest, his arm wrapped around my waist as he nuzzled my shoulder. Something dropped in my stomach like an anchor was tied to my guts. I didn’t know what it was, but I was left feeling agitated. Like something was wrong and everything was about to change.
Part of me wanted to believe that Matlock would be able to convince the Council that I was worthy, that he should marry me instead of what’s-her-face. I wanted to believe that more than anything. Yet, in this moment, I couldn’t help but be left feeling... unsettled. Like something was coming and I wasn’t going to like it.
“I can hear you thinking, you know,” he murmured, his lips vibrating against my skin.
I smiled despite myself. The last thing I wanted to do was tell him about my feelings. He had other things to worry about and at the moment, my feelings were simply that. A gut instinct.
“What am I thinking, then?” I asked, hoping he wouldn’t notice how tense and robotic my fingers were as I trailed them through his hair.
“That you want me to do it again,” he replied. “Unfortunately, I don’t think I can stand up right now.” He brought my fingers to his mouth and kissed each one. “I wish I could put you in my bag and take you with me.”
“When are you leaving again?” I asked, turning on my side so I could look into his eyes. I had known about this trip the night Matlock found out about it, a few days ago.
As High Warlock, Matlock was expected to visit different realms, introduce himself to the leaders and conduct meetings. Of course, everything that came out of Matlock was just regurgitated from the Council, but I didn’t bring that up. He was touchy on the subject; not because he was in denial, but because he knew the truth and wasn’t thrilled.
Not that he was going to do anything about it.
“Why?” he asked, kissing my shoulder. “Will you miss me terribly?”
I rolled my eyes. As much as I wanted to laugh, I couldn’t. A smile was as much as I could give, and even that was fleeting. We had been sneaking around the past few weeks and although it was exhilarating and fun, it couldn’t last. It wouldn’t. Especially not with him being given more and more responsibility with his duties.
“I’m being serious,” I said, playfully smacking him on the shoulder.
“As am I,” he pointed out. “No need to be so violent, darling. Really.”
I gave him a look. His eyes softened. He must have realized I wasn’t in the mood to play because he shifted in the bed until he sat up, his back resting against my headboard.
“Come here,” he said, pulling me into his lap and holding onto my waist again.
I didn’t want to, but I couldn’t resist him.
That seemed to be the story of my life with Matlock. I had good intentions. I knew what was right and what was wrong, and being with Matlock was wrong.
But somehow, I didn’t care.
I rested my head on his chest, shifting so I could hear the steady beat of his heart. With his arms around me, I felt safe.
I closed my eyes. It would be so easy to just fall asleep here, just like this.
“You know there’s nothing I can do about the trip,” he said. “Apparently, we’re traveling to a shifter realm to get to know the people there. It should be a good way to introduce myself to them.”
“Shifters?” I asked, glancing up at his face. “Are you scared?”
“Why would I be scared?” he asked, his lips curling up into a smile
“Because you’re the High Warlock?” I asked, frowning at him.
“No way. You’re my girl,” he said, kissing the top of my head. “Because if anything happened to me, you would kick their asses.”
I rolled my eyes but then shut them again. The thoughts that had been nagging me were being held at bay, but they wouldn’t disappear.
“Do you think things could ever be different?” I asked before I could stop myself.
“Different? What do you mean?”
“I just mean, do you think there’s a chance that you and I would get to a point where we wouldn’t have to hide all the time?” I asked.
I traced patterns with my index finger on his chest. He was tense beneath me, and as much as I wanted to believe it was because of my touch, it wasn’t. He was uncomfortable and I’d made him feel that way by asking a question he didn’t want to contemplate.
Regardless of the tendrils of guilt clawing at my insides for ruining what was otherwise a romantic moment between the two of us, I pushed forward. Maybe because I was stubborn and needed answers.
Maybe because I needed something more than just talk of feelings.
Feelings weren’t going to keep us together at the end of the day. Even Matlock had to know that.
I swallowed hard and forced myself to ask the one question that would make or break us. “Do you think there’s a chance that you and I could be together publicly?”
“Genevieve,” he said, and I flinched.
I hated when he said my name like that, like I was a disappointment. He began to stroke my hair and I relaxed, but only slightly.
“What do you want me to say?” he murmured.
“I-I don’t know,” I said quickly. I splayed my fingers across my shoulders, stopping my tracing of his skin for the time being. “I just feel like we’re in this cycle, and it’s unhealthy. I don’t like it.”
“You don’t like being with me?” Matlock asked, his voice hurt and surprised.
“Stop.” I frowned, suddenly annoyed. “Don’t do that. Don’t twist my words around.”
“I’m just trying to understand the meaning behind your words, Genevieve,” he said, trying to stifle a yawn but failing. “You know I have to leave early. I’d like to enjoy the few hours I still have with you here, my arms wrapped around you. Let’s go to sleep. I’d rather not fight.”
“This isn’t a fight,” I insisted. “It’s not. It’s just –”
“What, then? What is it? What do we have to talk about right now?”
A prickle of anger sparked deep inside of me. I wasn’t trying to provoke an argument. That wasn’t my intention at all. But if that was how he was going to react when all I wanted was to discuss something that was bothering me, that was on him. I wasn’t being aggressive, but he was handling me like I was. That wasn’t fair.
“Matlock,” I said, trying to keep my patience. “I’m not trying to provoke an argument. I promise. I just... it’s hard for me.”
He softened. “What’s hard for you?” He let out a sigh through his nose. “I know the situation you’re in is difficult, Genevieve. I do. But I can’t help you if I don’t know what it is you want. I can’t give you what I want to give you. I can only do what I can. It’s not fair to you. I know that.”
“Then why are we still together?” I found myself asking. I held the pillow close to my body, needing some sort of comfort. As much as I loved Matlock, I didn’t think I’d get it from him. Not right now. “Why are we torturing ourselves? Don’t you want me completely, Matlock? Doesn’t it hurt knowing we can’t have everything?”
“Of course, it does!” he exclaimed. He threw his long legs over the bed and stood up, waving his hand in the air. Why he was suddenly so angry, I didn’t know. I wasn’t afraid of his temper, but I was confused by it. I wanted to understand it. “Of course, I want what’s best for us. I want to hold your hand in public. I want to fucking marry you!”
My eyes widened. Pulling up the blanket, I held it close to my chest. “You... you want to marry me?”
Seriously?
“Why wouldn’t I?” He turned to look at me as he began to get dressed. His tone softened but there was still an edge to it. “Gen, I love you more than anything in this world. You know I do. But I can’t give you what you deserve, and I hate it. And I pretend when I’m with you that this is our life. That we don’t have to hide away from everyone. That there aren’t consequences to the choices I make, but that’s not the world we live in.”
“What does that mean?” I asked. I let the blanket fall to my waist, my hands animated with excitement. “Matlock, I’ve been doing research. With our powers, we could create our own realm. We could go there and never come back. We could live how we wanted. We could be together.”
“Our own realm?” He furrowed his brow, buttoning his shirt. “Genevieve, please. You’d really leave your father?”
I hesitated. “I-I don’t know. If it meant being with you...” I let my voice trail off.
“I think we’re getting ahead of ourselves,” he said. He knelt down when he finished dressing and took my face in his hands. “I should go. But I promise we’ll talk about this when I get back, okay? I love you.”
He gave me a kiss on the lips and one long, lingering look before walking out my door.
I settled back in my bed against the pillows and stared up at the ceiling. I didn’t know why, but I couldn’t help but think something had irrevocably shifted in our relationship. If you could even call it that.
And whatever that change was, it wasn’t good.