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I DIDN’T SLEEP MUCH. I couldn’t. I was about to throw my life away and start a new one simply to ensure the safety of my child, Alison and my father. I didn’t want the Council to punish anyone else for my selfishness.
I rolled over, looking at the ceiling I shared with Alison. She insisted I stay over after I refused to go home. I couldn’t risk going back after everything. I wouldn’t be surprised if the Council was watching the place, waiting for me. Whether Graham or Chastity told them about my little visit to their engagement party, I didn’t know. I just didn’t want to take the risk.
I placed my hand on my stomach. I wanted to hate Matlock. Not because I blamed him for everything that had happened.
I didn’t.
I took my share of the responsibility for the situation we found ourselves in. I understood that.
But it would just be easier if I did hate him. It would make the ache in my heart go away, the guilt that ran through me like blood simmer into nothing. I still wasn’t sure if I was making the right decision about not telling him about our child. He should know. It was his child too. Something we’d created out of love and not some tradition or obligation.
And yet, I couldn’t tell him.
I couldn’t trust him with that knowledge.
The Council knew everything. They would find out. I couldn’t imagine what they would do to Matlock in order to get that information, either.
I didn’t want to think about it.
I rolled on my side, trying to get comfortable. I placed a hand on my stomach, trying to imagine my belly swollen with a child. What would I look like? Would my breasts get bigger? I hoped so. I always wanted bigger breasts.
I giggled at myself. The sound was hollow, foreign to my own ears. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d laughed. It felt strange...strange but good. I realized that I wanted to make sure there was laughter in this realm I was creating for me, for my child. I wanted to make sure it was happy
But I also wanted it protected. I wanted it to learn about magic. I wanted it to control it, to learn about it. My offspring would have to protect him or herself because there would be a time I wouldn’t be around. And as long as my child drew breath, it would be at risk.
Tears blurred my vision, and I pressed my hands against my stomach even more firmly than before.
“I’m so sorry,” I said. I didn’t know if the baby could hear me or not. “This isn’t...I never thought...” I sucked in one breath, then another. “I never meant to get us into this. Honestly, I didn’t mean to have you. Not that I regret you. I think you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. The only thing I did right.”
I sniffled, rubbing my stomach now. I still stared up at the ceiling, my eyes filled with tears. “Can I tell you a secret? I’m scared. Terrified. I feel like the world is coming undone around me all and if I don’t make exactly the right decision, I’m going to get swept away in this maelstrom of fire and water and everything. And it’s not just me, it’s you and my father and Alison and everyone near and dear to me. And I just don’t know what the right decision is. And that scares me because I need to know or else what happens to you? Me? Everyone else?”
I blew out a shaky breath and shook my head. I tried blinking back the tears, but they just kept coming. I probably shouldn’t be blubbering like this to the baby. I was supposed to be strong. I was supposed to protect it through everything, but right now, I was just swept up in my emotions.
“I don’t even know if creating my own realm is possible,” I said. “I’m a powerful witch. No matter what anyone says, you got that from me, you hear? Me. Matlock may be the High Warlock, but he’s not as powerful as I am. As you will be. I’ll make sure of that.”
I refused to let my child be weak. Not when there was my magic in its veins. And as much as I wanted to dismiss Matlock’s magic as insignificant, it wasn’t. He was powerful. There was a reason the Council wanted him.
But he wasn’t as powerful as I was.
“Anyway, I’m losing track of what I’m trying to say,” I said, sucking in a breath. “I just... I want you to know that I have no idea if this is even going to work. And it scares the shit out of me. But I also know that I’d do anything for you. Anything. It’s crazy. I never thought I’d love anyone the way I love you. I never had a mom, really, to love me. I thought maybe I wouldn’t make a good mom, and I still don’t know if I will be a good mom, but I know I love you. And I’m willing to do whatever it takes to ensure that you’re safe. Even if it’s crazy.”
More tears roll down my cheeks and I close my eyes and huff out a breath, and then another. I don’t know how I managed it but sleep finally came.
***
I WAS LATE TO MEETING up with Ranger and Alison, having told my friend to go on without me when I struggled to get ready.
“Finally!” Ranger said, gesturing at me with his arm. “You realize we were about to leave, don’t you? What could have possibly kept you?”
“Hey, back off, Ranger,” Alison said, pulling me into a hug.
“Sorry,” I said meekly. “Morning sickness.”
Ranger’s eyes flashed with something similar to regret, but it quickly disappeared. “We’ve got to get a move on,” he said. “The wedding ceremony will be happening right now and everyone in the Council will be there, which means we have some leeway here. We still must be cautious. Anyone could sense something shift, even in the human realm.”
“I still don’t understand how all of this is supposed to work,” I admitted sheepishly. Maybe it was the fact that I hadn’t gotten much sleep last night. Maybe I still couldn’t wrap my head around what this was supposed to do, how this was supposed to protect me and my child.
“Basically, you’re going to create your own realm using a piece of yourself,” Ranger said over his shoulder as we began to make our way through a portal to the human realm. “Unless they can trace your magic, they won’t be able to find your realm.”
“How do you know they can’t trace my magic?” I asked, shooting him a look.
We stepped into the portal before he could respond. Without warning, we were thrust into the human realm. I had to clutch onto Alison to keep myself from stumbling forward and falling. My stomach twisted with nausea. Normally, I wouldn’t have handled it in such a way, but I wasn’t lying when I said I had morning sickness.
The second we were on solid ground, it took a moment for me to right myself. Ranger waited, doing a terrible job of keeping the annoyance off his face. I flipped him off. He smirked, respect flashing in his eyes before that, too, disappeared. The guy had a thing about showing emotion.
I couldn’t exactly blame him for it, either. Not when the Council had taken everything from him. Not when he was betrayed by the man who was supposed to love him.
We walked down the street. I started to recognize some of the places, the trees. It still boggled my mind how urban everything it was. Where was the nature to lose yourself in? Where was the calm, the serenity, that was supposed to make grounding easier? If my child was going to learn magic, learn how to be the most powerful witch I could make her, the human realm was much too distracting.
“To answer your question,” Ranger said as we came to a crosswalk, “I don’t know if they’ll be able to trace your magic. Have you given them a reason to?”
“Well,” I said, thinking back to the party I crashed. “Perhaps. I don’t know. I was warned away, and I left.”
“Hmm.” Ranger tapped his chin. “That might work out for you then. If they think they’ve scared you off, they might be too arrogant to verify if you’re really gone.”
I wasn’t so sure. I remembered the way Charity looked at me. I remembered the threat hanging between me and Graham. I wasn’t so sure they’d let me go so easily.
“You have to make the choice, Genevieve,” Ranger said. Suddenly, we were in front of Alison’s grandmother’s home. Instead of moving on, he stopped and looked at me expectantly. “We can’t do any of this if you’re not absolutely sure that this is what you want.”
I took in a deep breath and then another. I looked at Ranger and then at Alison. I wasn’t sure what I was trying to find in them. All I knew was that I wanted to make the right decision, but what that right decision was, I didn’t know. I stayed up all night, crying, tossing and turning, and I was still not sure what I was going to do.
I was grateful Alison and Ranger gave me time to really think about it. I wasn’t sure what I’d do if I had their voices in my head, preventing my own thoughts from coming through.
Not like it would make any difference.
I was helpless.
I blew out a breath, scuffing my toes on the concrete sidewalk. I crossed my arms over my chest, trying to figure out what I would want to do if I was a child and my mother was in the position I was in. I was scared. Fuck, I was scared. I was scared for my friends, my family, but for my child most of all. I knew if the Council had knowledge of my pregnancy, they would hunt me down until they found me. They couldn’t have Matlock’s bastard roaming around, especially if there was some way it could inherit the title of High Warlock. I wasn’t clear as to the details, but details didn’t matter to me.
Not right now.
This was the only way.
“I have to do this,” I said, locking eyes with him.
I saw Alison shift beside me. It was clear she wasn’t as sure as I was about this whole thing, but Ranger understood. He had gone through it, and while we had ultimately made different decisions on how to handle it, there was an understanding between us that only came from experience.
“It’s going to be painful,” he said seriously. “You’re literally removing a part of your magic in order to create a realm. It will continue to feed on you until there’s nothing left.”
“What?” Alison dropped her arms from her chest and looked at Ranger, almost as though she was waiting for the punchline. Like she didn’t quite believe what he was saying. When he said nothing, she turned her gaze to me. “Gen...”
I looked back at her with a steady gaze. “I have to, Alison,” I said. “There’s no other way.”
“Yes,” she said. “Yes, we’ll find one. The two of us. Together.”
“No.” Ranger was the one who spoke, and I was glad for it, because tears suddenly accumulated in my eyes. My life, as I knew it, would change forever. “There isn’t any other way. Maybe if it was just her, it would be different. But it’s not. She has a child, Alison. Everything changes when a child is involved, especially one that could shake the very foundation of everything the Council stands for.”
Alison sucked in a breath. Her eyes flashed, and I knew she was getting ready for a fight.
“He’s right,” I said. “Look, Alison, I’m scared. I’m terrified. But I am all my child has. I can’t just sit around and wait for life to catch up to us. I have to do something.” I swallowed thickly, wishing she could understand but knowing she couldn’t. I just needed her to trust me. “My mother died and I grew up with only one parent, so I know I can do this. I have the opportunity to stay with my child, to be there for it, to protect them in a way she never could for me. And I can’t take that for granted.”
“But...” Alison’s voice cracked, and it broke my heart. “But you’ll die, Gen. You’ll die before you have to. If you use your magic to create a world for you and your child, one you can’t leave...” Tears started falling. “You’ll die. Then what? What happens to your world? Your child?”
“I’ll tell them about you,” I said, feeling my own eyes start to water. “I’ll tell him or her that they can go to you, they can trust you. I’ll teach it to keep the realm alive, and if that doesn’t work, I’ll tell it how to use magic to create a home, even if it’s not in a secret realm.”
Alison looked like she wanted to argue, but there was nothing she could say that would change my mind. I think she knew that too because she turned away from us, sniffling.
“What do I need to do?” I asked Ranger.
“Well, there’s a place a couple of blocks from here,” he said. “We could tie it there so it’s not obvious it leads directly to Alison’s place. And then, you reach deep inside of yourself, deeper than you’ve ever gone. Using your magic, you’ll pull something out of you. And from there, you’ll smother yourself in it. It will only recognize you, Gen, and anyone you give a specific designation to. Because it’s literally part of you.”
I nodded, taking his words in.
“It will be painful,” he said. “And honestly, I don’t even know if it’ll work.”
“It has to,” I said. “There’s no other way.”
“I agree,” he said. “Then, if there’s nothing else, let’s go. Let’s do this while we still can.”
I followed Alison and Ranger to where they wanted to tie my realm to, one hand on my stomach. Even now, I didn’t know if this was the right choice. But honestly? It was the best one for me and my child, and that was all that mattered to me, in the end. Even if that meant I would be alone, with no one to love the way I loved Matlock, even if it meant I would die before my time, if my child survived and thrived, I could go peacefully in the dark night and not regret a thing.