98
Malveria drifted ethereally on the fringes of the world. She floated over the rooftops of London, not quite fully merged with the human dimension. When she found Alan Zatek’s offices in Constitution Street, not too far from Thrix’s own headquarters, she sank through the roof, materialising silently in an upstairs storeroom. She had masked herself very carefully by sorcery, and could not be observed. The security cameras in the corridors would not see her as she passed. Malveria was searching for Zatek’s private office. Once there she would examine his files. And possibly his computer, although this might be a problem. Malveria would not be able to search on a computer. However, if there were discs she could steal them and let the Enchantress examine them. She paused. There were voices coming from a room nearby.
“You were born to wear this dress.”
Someone was discussing clothes. Malveria boosted the power of her masking spells and slipped inside.
‘I am the Mistress of Stealth,’ she thought, with satisfaction. As soon as she entered the room Malveria came to an abrupt halt. Princess Kabachetka was there, talking to a small man with a shaved head who wore a black T-shirt and an earring in each ear. Forgetting that she was meant to be the mistress of stealth, the Fire Queen immediately cast off her spells of concealment.
“Aha!” she cried. “So here you are, you disgraceful fashion thief. I have caught you red handed in the act of piracy!”
“Malveria!” exclaimed the Princess, very surprised. “What are you doing here?”
Kabachetka looked like she had just stepped off the cover of Vogue. She was beautifully dressed, beautifully made up, and pencil thin, all of which increased Malveria’s irritation. The Fire Queen eyed her with loathing.
“Have you had liposuction?”
“Certainly not! The Princess Kabachetka does not need to resort to such procedures. I repeat, what are you going here?”
“I am confronting you about the disgraceful thefts of my fashion you have been carrying out.”
Queen Malveria pointed at Alan Zatek and there were flames flickering around her fingers.
“You cannot deny that you have been stealing designs from Thrix and giving them to this… this…” Malveria struggled to find words that were bad enough to describe Princess Kabachetka.
The Princess turned to Zatek and spoke apologetically.
“You must excuse the Queen. She has been upset since I began eclipsing her on the social calendar.”
“Eclipsing me? The day you eclipse me will be the day the moon runs backwards!”
Princess Kabachetka was a fire elemental, like Malveria, though from a different race, the Hainusta. Her hair was golden blonde, which made her the only blonde in her kingdom. Malveria knew that she went every week to have her roots dyed, to which she could make no objection, but the Princess then blatantly misled her followers into believing it was natural.
“Admit it, you have been stealing clothes that were intended for me!”
“Kabachetka does not require clothes that were made for you,” sniffed the Princess. “One hardly imagines that they would fit at all well, given the Queen’s generous proportions.”
“You dare call my proportions generous? Compared to you I am the slender willow beside the over-stuffed dragon. And I would not be at all surprised to find traces of rhinoplasty around your nose were I to examine it with a spell.”
“You will leave my nose alone!”
Princess Kabachetka, who was not short of power herself, stepped forward to confront Malveria and an ugly scene seemed inevitable till Alan Zatek held his hands up and screeched in a loud voice.
“Please! Stop this! How can I be expected to work in these conditions?”
Queen Malveria and Princess Kabachetka drew back, abashed. It was, after all, very bad form to cause a scene in front of a fashion designer. They were notoriously delicate. Even a designer like Alan Zatek, an enemy, should not be upset unnecessarily. If word got round, Malveria might find herself missing from the guest list at several important fashion shows.
“Perhaps there has been some misunderstanding?” said the designer.
“There is no misunderstanding,” replied Malveria. “This so-called Princess has been stealing my fashions and I strongly suspect that you have been copying them from Thrix.”
“From Thrix? Thrix Fashions?” Zatek laughed. “Please. Why would I need to do that?”
“Because this slut will stoop to any depths to get the better of me.”
“I’ve never stolen a design from you,” stated Kabachetka, emphatically. “They would be quite unsuitable for my slender frame.”
“You dare to once more imply that I am overweight, you daughter of a troll? You wish you were as slender as Malveria!”
“Please. Do not try to pretend you are not at this moment using several powerful spells to hide the rest of your bulk in another dimension.”
Malveria realised that her mission was a failure. She had meant to carry out her reconnaissance in secret and instead had ended up trading insults with her enemy.
“Well, Kabachetka. We shall see who is the best dressed at the Sorceress Livia’s 500th birthday celebration!”
“We shall indeed,” retorted Kabachetka. “And it will be me.”
“It will be me,” said Malveria, and dematerialised before the Princess could reply.
The Fire Queen flew back to her own dimension in an exceedingly bad temper. To have actually met the Princess while she tried on clothes was unbearable. And she had called her fat! Malveria would have her revenge. As soon as she entered her throne room her First Minister Xakthan hurried in.
“Mighty Queen, I’ve been awaiting your return. Today there has been a most interesting development in the courts of justice. A case of such complexity has arisen that it will take all of your great wisdom to resolve the matter. It seems that - ”
“What is this?” yelled the Fire Queen. “You expect me to trouble myself with petty matters of justice? Do I not have people to do these things for me?”
“Well yes, Mighty Queen, but I thought you would be eager to - ”
“Enough!” roared Malveria. “Do not waste my time with these trivial affairs. Sort it out yourself! That’s what I pay you for. And have you ever considered doing something about the flames which emerge from one ear? Do you have any idea how strange it is? The lack of symmetry is quite appalling.”
The First Minister looked abashed.
“I am sorry, mighty Queen, I did not realise…”
“Go,” snapped Malveria, waving her hand. “And when you have gone, send me Agrivex.”
Shortly afterwards Vex appeared in the throne room.
“Hi,” said Vex.
“Hi?” said the Fire Queen. “Is that how you greet me? The ruler of this realm and your benefactor?”
“Sorry Aunt Malvie.”
“Do not refer to me as Aunt Malvie, miserable niece! It is high time you learned some respect for your Queen.”
Vex, seeing that Malveria was angry, began the appropriate bowing and curtseying.
“Will you please stop that?” said Malveria, crossly. “You look ridiculous. What happened at the human’s party?”
Vex looked apologetic.
“It didn’t go that well.”
“Not that well? What do you mean, not that well?”
“I met Daniel and did as you instructed, you know, threw myself at him basically, but well, it just didn’t work.”
The Fire Queen frowned ominously.
“Explain yourself, dismal niece. Why did it not work?”
“I tried my best,” said Vex, defiantly. “I did everything you instructed. I was fitting in really well at the party - have you noticed the humans have sparkly nail varnish? - how come we don’t have that?”
“It is rather attractive, isn’t it?” agreed Malveria. “Sadly, my fashion advisor maintains - stop diverting me with your nonsense, girl. Continue with your sorry tale of failure.”
“Well everything seemed to be going fine. I asked Daniel to dance - which he was very bad at - and then, following your instructions closely, I steered him towards the kitchen, poured drinks and prepared to listen to his conversation. But this wasn’t so easy. He’s not great at conversation. Have you ever had an awkward silence? It was a new experience for me. I mean, what is there to be silent about? Anyway, finally he began to speak about music and this was better. I nodded occasionally, and smiled. And what more can a girl do? Once you’ve got a boy on his favourite topic and you’re nodding and smiling you should be home and dry. That’s what it says in Cosmo Junior anyway, and if you can’t trust Cosmo Junior I don’t know what to think.”
Vex paused, and looked troubled.
“I thought it was in the bag. Any moment now he asks me home and it’s mission successful and Aunt Malvie buys me new boots. You remember you promised me new boots, right? Anyway, he still seemed hesitant so I said I’d never met any boy I liked so much as Daniel and then I told him how good looking he was. Then I looked into his eyes and asked him if he knew anywhere I could spend the night.”
“And what happened?” demanded Malveria.
“He ran away.”
“What do you mean, ran away?”
Agrivex looked puzzled. If her aunt didn’t know what ran away meant, it was difficult to know where to start.
“Well, you know, like walking, but much faster, in the opposite direction - ”
“Silence, imbecile!” roared Malveria. “I do not need an explanation!”
The Fire Queen frowned, very deeply.
“You’d didn’t go to the party with vivid orange skin, did you?”
Agrivex shook her head.
“Absolutely not. I was my normal alluring honey colour. He’s just a hopeless case.”
Malveria was bewildered. She couldn’t understand it. Of course Vex was not an accomplished seductress, but for a young man like Daniel, an accomplished seductress would have been quite unsuitable. Someone young and bright was what was required. Agrivex should have been ideal.
Vex smiled brightly at the Fire Queen. She had a lovely smile. Her spiky blonde hair gave her a boyish look.
“So can I have my new boots now? I saw this fabulous pair at the party. Sort of clumpy but with these really nice silver buckles - ”
“The boots were a reward for success. You have failed.”
“But I did everything I could,” protested Vex.
“Foolish girl,” said the Fire Queen ominously. “Do not trouble me at this time.”
“It’s no trouble,” said Vex, brightly. “I just need the boots.”
“Begone!” roared the Fire Queen.
Vex looked hurt.
“But I want the boots.”
“Get out before I call the guards, dismal niece,” said Malveria.
“I hate you!” cried Vex, then stormed out of the throne room, complaining loudly that her life would have been better if she’d been thrown into the volcano when she was eight.
Malveria sighed. Today had been very unsatisfactory.