None are so empty as those who are full of themselves.
—BENJAMIN WHICHOT
Braggarts perceive themselves in an idealized way. They imagine others see them in the same way, and they are usually not aware, or capable of understanding, that their narcissism, boasting, and retaliatory behavior are received as bullying. If the Braggart is an extreme narcissist, it may be very difficult to intervene, but by becoming familiar with a Braggart’s dynamic, which is usually repetitive, you can adroitly interrupt him during his one-way communication to redirect the conversation to a more collaborative one. Consider the answers to these questions before your meeting with the Braggart:
• How does any conversation begin? Does it immediately turn to a self-indulgent story about something that happened to the Braggart?
• Does the Braggart ever ask you about yourself or your work?
• Does one story usually lead to another story?
• If you try to share a similar story, does she try to one-up you with a better story?
• Does the Braggart elaborate with unnecessary detail and exaggeration to create more drama?
• Do you feel exhausted after he has finished? Have you given him your full attention, hoping to get into the conversation, only to find out that he will not permit you to speak?
• Are these conversations draining your productivity to the point that you want to avoid the Braggart in the hallway or elevator?
The Braggart has a self-important “I” that pushes out others, and the result is an empathetic deficit and unremorseful posture. The Braggart feels the need to feed her overinflated sense of self regularly. Like a drug addict, the more the self-important “I” is fed, the more it needs to be fed. The Braggart will idealize her sense of self-importance, and it becomes the only mode for interacting with others. A Braggart can deflate a workplace or a team and cause a toxic environment.
To have a more productive exchange with the Braggart, remember that if you are introverted, you must become an ambivert (flexible enough to know when to listen or to talk, not overly expressive or withdrawn, and comfortable being adaptable and just a bit more extroverted). You have to talk with Braggarts, not at them, be-cause they are very protective of their feelings of self-importance. The prearranged meeting should be one-on-one and away from any potential audience. The skill of redirection is essential. When they change the subject to make the conversation about themselves, pause for up to five seconds, acknowledge the story, and then redirect the conversation back to the task at hand. Eventually, Braggarts may recognize that you are simply trying to focus the meeting.
We have all been in meetings in which a Braggart uses 80 percent of the time talking about himself, usually in a charming way. There is nothing wrong with a charming delivery, but if it is at the exclusion of others, you are dealing with a Braggart. Meetings—whether one-on-one or for an entire team—are for each individual involved to contribute to the ongoing work. That can’t happen if one person is always holding court and suppressing discussion because of his unhealthy need to be admired.
You will recognize Braggarts by the following characteristics:
• They live with an idealized sense of grandness about their ability to lead, to succeed, and to be the smartest people in the room.
• They portray themselves as unique such that only very intelligent people can understand them, yet they want and need the admiration and compliance of everyone.
• They see others as their props or audience members in their monologues.
• They brag because it feeds their need to feel worthy when they actually may feel unworthy. The bragging is designed to make them feel as if they have consequence and standing.
• They discriminate against others for their beliefs, age, size, looks, gender, ethnicity, and country of origin. They are often unable and unwilling to see someone else’s point of view, much less how the other person might feel about something.
• They never allow others to contribute in a meaningful way to discussions or any work projects.
• They can be exploitive of others with talent, especially those whom they envy. They will try to utilize the talent of others for their own benefit.
• They have an empathy deficit, and they do not want to deal with the feelings of others. Yet they are very sensitive to comments about them that come close to a slight or criticism, and they respond with aggressive anger and insults.
• They do not recognize the psychological or emotional harm that they cause, and they show no signs of remorse when the target shows frustration, upset, or other signs of stress. In fact, once the Braggart draws an emotional response from the target, the Braggart will see the target as weak.
• If in a position of power, the Braggart’s boasting can initially cause him to look very wise, whereas everyone else is a listener in his audience. The Braggart steals the life from a one-on-one conversation by keeping the focus on himself, his exaggerated accomplishments, his fantasies about his own experience, and his insistence that he is brilliant, with special knowledge and gifts. In a meeting, he will talk and talk until the time is up, at which point, he will move on to another meeting and talk about himself—again.
• They are charismatic, which increases our trust in them and lowers our defense mechanisms. Remember, though, it is a mask that can shield a vicious authoritarian mindset.
• If you do good work for a Braggart, don’t expect to be acknowledged. She will take credit for your work and display it as her own. Ironically, if employees or targets make a mistake, they can expect a double-barrel berating in which all their limitations will be aired, usually in public.
• The Braggart expects you to give him good ideas, for which he will not be grateful. If the ideas are good, he will claim them. If the ideas are bad, he will blame you.
• The social value of fairness and boundaries is very difficult for the Braggart to comprehend. A Braggart boss will expect an employee, especially one who appears vulnerable, to keep long hours at work and always comply. This boss will judge that person as unworthy or unfit for the job if the target shows tension and frustration about the work.
• An extreme Braggart will violate personal boundaries. She will start with verbal barrages of insulting commentary, challenging your competence, honesty, and value.
• Most male Braggarts expect adoration from women, and they often touch, hug, or leave their hand or arm on the woman with whom they are conversing; this unwanted physical contact is a way to affirm their own sense of self-importance. This is power positioning; the man is claiming dominance over a woman in the workplace. We train people on how to treat us by what we tolerate. If the target acquiesces and doesn’t draw the boundaries, the behavior will be reinforced and will only get worse.
• They will not accept differences of opinion. They are driven to come out of any challenge as the winner even if it means lying, cheating, or stealing others’ ideas.
• The Braggart is indifferent to a toxic workplace that is caused by her own self-indulgence.
• The Braggart makes it difficult to get things done. He points out problems with others who do not fit in when, in reality, the Braggart resents their competence and intelligence.
• Braggarts may manage up well in that they may be able to feign empathy to satisfy those more highly ranked in the organization, but they show a different face when they manage down.
Diana’s Story
Ethan was a very large man, 6 feet, 4 inches, hefty but not fat, with a loud booming voice. When he entered the room, everyone took notice. He used his size and voice to quickly take over any conversation. His area of expertise was marketing. He had a successful career helping to launch several companies with cutting-edge marketing strategies. He had an idea a minute, and he could never stop talking about his career wins and his ideas for the company.
Diana reported directly to Ethan, and although happy to learn from an old pro, she was growing tired of hearing the same stories from him. Also, he was full of new ideas for the future. He thought up and fleshed out the ideas alone, with no input from others. There was no room for anyone else to participate in setting the marketing strategy for the company. Ethan was basically a nice man, but by declaring himself the only innovative thinker in the company, he was indirectly demeaning Diana and others on the team. It was very difficult to interrupt him, and if you presented an idea on paper, he claimed it as his own if he liked it and dismissed it if he didn’t.
His total self-absorption prevented him from sensing the significant shadow he was casting on the department’s energy and morale. Diana felt at times that his monopoly of airtime, his braggadocio, and his inability to offer praise to anyone but himself might be a cover-up for a deep psychological wound he had suffered earlier on. She was even more apprehensive about confronting him.
What Diana expected in her work with Ethan was not only to learn from him but to contribute her ideas for the marketing strategy that might be different from his but equally valuable. What she observed was that Ethan had no interest in listening, questioning, or trying anything he had not created. Diana began feeling more and more like a slave to his ego.
Diana began to prepare for a meeting with Ethan during which she planned to share with him her deep disappointment in her job. She prepared by documenting her critical incidents.1
Situation 1: Ethan recruited me and several of my reports to the company with the promise of an experience designing and executing new and out-of-the-box marketing campaigns. These would include developing auxiliary products in support of the main objectives of the company. Ethan talked nonstop about himself and his past accomplishments in the interviews, but I wrote it off as his trying his best to recruit me to his team. I did not expect it to be more than that.
Behavior 1: The talking and bragging continued after I joined the company. I was kept so busy implementing Ethan’s ideas that I had no opportunities to create some of my own strategies. When I brought up a new idea at one of the marketing department meetings, Ethan dismissed it and told yet another story about one of his strategies that had paid off for him in the past.
Consequence 1: I noticed my enthusiasm for my job began to wane. My energy was sapped by Ethan’s constant talking and storytelling. I increasingly felt like less of a contributor, and my self-esteem was quickly evaporating.
With her critical incident document in hand, Diana set up a private meeting with Ethan.
Diana: Ethan, I set up this meeting to discuss with you something very important. When you recruited me here, it was my greatest wish that I could learn from you, which I have. I also brought 15 years of my own experience, which I thought would have value to you and the company. I expected to use my creativity on the job. I have observed that you are not interested in my creative ideas but rather just in my executing yours. As a result, I am not learning or growing as a marketing professional. I enjoy hearing your stories, but they are less helpful to me in my career at this point. If everything has to be done by you and credited to you, then I don’t see a future here for me.
Ethan: I am surprised, even shocked, by this, Diana, because in all my years, I have designed award-winning campaigns and created new products that have enhanced our company’s image and success . . . [This is the time for Diana to interrupt with paraphrasing and to redirect the conversation back to the real topic.]
Diana: [In an assertive voice.] We all admire and respect you, but we too need to feel like we are contributing. For example, the other day I made a suggestion that you picked up on, but then you started to tell stories about a related topic. The team was again forced to sit there and listen to stories that we had heard many times before. I am wondering if we could all participate more in the brainstorming of ideas. Perhaps we could allocate the first 30 minutes of each meeting to the team so that we can present our latest thinking on our projects. [Diana should be very specific with the Braggart about what she wants. Success will come in spurts, not all at once.] I know you do not want to sap the energy of the team. This would be a way for us all to contribute to the marketing strategy. Could we try this?
Ethan: If the team is feeling insecure, then they need to grow up. This is ridiculous.
Diana: Ethan, if the team and I don’t feel we are contributing, then you may not get the best from us. [Diana shouldn’t threaten Ethan but give him a clear understanding that his actions have consequences.] Let’s try this out and see what happens. You may be surprised.
A Braggart is likely to be a narcissist who is deeply sensitive about how he is perceived. However, if he is dominating meetings with stories of his successes and achievements, it is possible to interrupt his flow. When there is a natural break in his monologue, consider saying or doing the following:
• “I love this story. It has been very helpful to me with my customers. I used it the other day when I had a meeting with X. He had some questions, which I would appreciate hearing how you and the group would respond to . . .” [Don’t stop!]
• “Martha, you were telling me something that happened to you last week that might be relevant here.” [Turn to Martha and ask her to relate her story. Best to forewarn her so she can step in.]
• Stand up and go to the flip chart to create a diversion and outline the steps the Braggart took in his story, and ask for the group to consider what was going on. [Get a group conversation going.] If you are the leader at a team meeting that a Braggart is attending, you will want to set a tone of inclusion for the entire group. You might say, “All of you contribute to our success. It is always helpful to me to hear from all the members of the team. Let’s have each person share his or her perspective in our discussion today.”
If you set the tone at the beginning of the meeting, it is easier to interject if the Braggart begins to grandstand, gently reminding him that today, the meeting is focused on gathering everyone’s ideas. Braggarts, at their core, are narcissists, fear rejection, and want to be included, but they have never been taught boundaries. They have gotten into the habit of expressing their own grandiosity and expecting adoration from others, and they dislike being audience members. They do not feel included on a team in which everybody shines. Using redirection and paraphrasing will help make Braggarts feel heard and appreciated, which will go a long way toward reducing their insecurities.
The story about Joseph and Philip that follows is a classic Braggart story. The protagonist in the critical incident and the script is the chief operations officer, Joseph, who was recently honored for his long service to the company.
Joseph had been the chief operations officer for his company for a long time, and Philip had been the company’s CEO for 20 years, ever since he was hired at the very young age of 30. Philip was tall and good-looking, he appeared older than he was, and he had a booming authoritative voice. The first 10 years went well; Philip was very good at his job, and as time went on, he became even better.
But then something happened. Philip not only had to be the best-looking one at the company—he spent an inordinate amount of time fixing his hair so not a strand was out of place—but he also started peppering his conversations with stories of his exploits, intelligence, and relationships with people in high circles of society. His ego was insatiable: the more praise and deference he got, the more he needed. He started calling employees stupid in front of coworkers, interrupting them, and filling conversations with banal stories of his success. He patronized women as the weaker sex, putting his arm around them while making condescending comments like “It is all right, you will understand eventually.” He even had a mural painted on the walls outside his office of all his accomplishments at the company.
He refused feedback or any input that challenged his ideas. No one on his executive team was able to talk about real problems in the company because the conversation had to be about Philip. Ultimately, many talented people left the company because of Philip’s oversized sense of self. At Joseph’s anniversary party, Philip made it all about himself.
Situation 1: Philip was perceived as a megalomaniac, almost to the point of being tyrannical. He needed constant praise and admiration. He patronized everyone, especially women. He felt he was the smartest person in the room, and he posted all of his accomplishments over time on the wall to the right of his office so that everyone could see them as he or she sat in the waiting area. He refused to hear feedback from anyone, and he browbeat his board to go along with any plan he wanted. Over time, when you counted the number of high-caliber individuals who had left the company and the board, you would have to conclude that it was a tremendous waste of talent and money.
Behavior 1: After tolerating Philip’s behavior for a long time, I had a terrible experience at my anniversary party over which Philip presided as the master of ceremonies. Philip made the party all about him, telling stories that clearly demonstrated that I was just an appendage to the CEO. This was especially hurtful given that I had masterminded a marketing campaign that had established the company’s brand. After neglecting to say anything about my greatest accomplishment, Philip had everyone’s attention and was not about to let it go. Philip just could not let me have my day in the sun. Philip spoke for over an hour about himself, after which everyone left.
Consequence 1: Philip crushed the event with his oppressive and toxic narcissism. I was well respected and admired in the company, but I was left with the idea that Philip had engineered the whole event to make sure he would be regarded with higher esteem than I was. People in the audience wanted to scream because it was so obvious that jealousy and insecurity prevailed that day. Philip prevented everyone in the company from feeling good about my accomplishments and bringing that feeling back to their work. Instead, they slumped back into their roles with little optimism or energy to excel. I determined that I had to address Philip’s dearth of leadership skills and narcissistic ways in person.
Here is a sample script showing how Joseph can address the Braggart’s self-centeredness:
Joseph: Thank you for agreeing to meet with me. [After some small talk.] Philip, I wanted to talk to you about the party itself. I expected to feel great about what I have accomplished for the company, but instead, I observed that you spent about 85 percent of the time talking about everything but my accomplishments. I think people were upset by this. What was going on?
Philip: Your accomplishments were listed on the brochure. People could read it if they wanted. People enjoy my stories.
Joseph: Yes, and most of what you talked about were your stories—not mine. In fact, it sounded like the party was dedicated to your accomplishments.
Philip: Well, I am their CEO.
Joseph: Yes, you are their leader, but leadership is not about you. It is about them. Philip, when you dominate my party or any other conversation with personal stories that don’t always apply to work, people either lose their energy, become uninterested, or are frankly bored with your self-commentary. It seems you don’t value them or their experience.
Philip: I am just trying to pass on to the group what I have learned.
Joseph: A relevant story is good, but you should also hear what others have to contribute and allocate time for that. They all want to do well.
Philip: It’s not my fault that some people don’t talk or don’t want to talk. I am good at talking, not listening.
Joseph: It is good you know that. You might want to cultivate listening skills in your remaining years as CEO. If you are interested, I have a good book you may want to read on this subject. It is important to acknowledge everyone’s contributions and achievements at celebrations like mine. It is highly motivating, and it shows that you respect everyone’s hard work. Please think about what I’ve said today. We can pick up the discussion another time.
A worst-case scenario might be as follows:
Philip: It’s not my fault some people don’t talk or don’t want to talk. I am good at talking, not listening. I am the boss, and I will do it my way. Your experience should not eclipse my leadership in the present. They are followers. You are a follower. I am the leader.
Joseph: You are the leader, and as the leader, it is important to acknowledge everyone’s contributions and achievements at celebrations like mine. It is highly motivating and shows that you respect everyone’s hard work. Showing them that your leadership is the focal point at all meetings is your choice. It is sad and demotivating that you see it that way. Please think about it. We can pick up the discussion another time.
What is expected:
What is observed:
CRITICAL INCIDENT 1
Situation:
Consequence:
You say:
The Braggart may say:
Your response:
Situation:
Behavior:
Consequence:
You say:
The Braggart may say:
• Braggarts love an audience, so confronting a Braggart is usually best done in a private meeting.
• Braggarts can be decent people underneath their self-absorbed need for social approval. Gently appeal to their common sense and their desire to do well.
• Braggarts may not have received a lot of constructive feedback. It is important that you are clear and honest when you share with her your experiences with her and their effect on your and others’ performance.
• If you are an introvert, be an ambivert when dealing with a Braggart. That means you will use more energy in the conversation and be less passive.
• If you are an extrovert, you may need to slow down the exchange a bit. That means being very mindful of what he is saying and how you are responding.
• If it seems that you are getting nowhere when dealing with a Braggart, you may be making more progress than she lets on.
• Remember to talk with Braggarts—not at them.
Seeks recognition by excessive bragging about himself
Closes down conversation by turning every topic back to herself
Uses discriminating language that divides people according to their differences
Oppressively rolls over others in conversation
Declares self-importance by demeaning everyone else’s efforts
Has an inflated self-image as a result of self-absorption and self-adoration
Abrasively inserts, asserts, intrudes, dictates, and declares self-importance
Has an empathy deficit and unremorseful disposition
Portrays self as unique, special, and grand
Is unwilling to allow others to talk unless it supports his views
Never gives credit and steals others’ credit if they are successful
Whenever attention is fixed by someone else, refocuses it back to self
Has no sense of fairness or sharing with others on the team
Has poor listening and attending skills
Excessively teases and talks over others
Hates hearing of others’ successes, especially those of targets
Insults others with barrages of demeaning statements
Has to win even if she has to lie, cheat, and steal ideas from others
Uses verbal monologues that discredit others and intimidate targets
Prevents work from getting done by pointing to problems with people
Is preoccupied with vanity, prestige, and power
Exaggerates her talent and achievements
Expects constant praise and admiration
Is unable to apologize
Expects others to go along with him no matter what
Fails to recognize people’s emotions, needs, and wants
Is jealous of others and believes others are jealous of her
Feels hurt when slighted but can’t see his own rejection of others
Uses dramatic poses and wears noticeable clothing to draw attention
If you have checked eight or more of the items on this checklist, you are undoubtedly dealing with a Braggart.