Cooperation is the thorough conviction that nobody can get there unless everybody gets there.
—VICTORIA BURDEN,
The Process of Intuition
For Jonathan Martin, the 2013 Bullygate scandal resulted in his leaving the Miami Dolphins. For Richie Incognito, it culminated in his suspension for conduct detrimental to the team until 2014. He later admitted in an interview with Jay Glazer on Fox NFL Sunday, “I have been like a cancer in the locker rooms. . . . I have been selfish. I haven’t been a good teammate. I have made plenty of mistakes: mistakes I have learned from, mistakes that have changed me, mistakes that have made me realize I need to get help. I have sought counseling; I’ve made changes in my personal life. I’ve done the steps necessary to grow.”
For us, the lesson of the Martin and Incognito story was a wake-up call. Who would have thought that football players could be bullied? But this story is not about who was right and who was wrong or how sincere or insincere either one of them was. Nor is it about what the NFL did or did not do. Rather, Bullygate is about how important it is to recognize how we treat each other at work and about the need to create a bully-proof workplace. As executive coaches for more than 30 years, we have witnessed the negative impact of a bully in an organization. We know that changing the culture of a company or team is hard to do and that it takes time—but it can be done through cooperation and collaboration. The result is a workplace that is productive, engaged, and happy, which translates to a healthier bottom line.
A bully-proof workplace is one where all workers are fully engaged and committed to getting work done while maintaining positive relations with all stakeholders in the company. Employees feel like owners. The leaders stand willing and able to do what they must to ensure the workers’ success. The workers in turn communicate honestly and openly with colleagues, reports, peers, and bosses. Leaders engage with employees. Together, they build trust and integrity. The relationships are reciprocal, and responsibility is shared between worker and leader.
The secret to a bully-proof workplace is effective communication. In this day and age, when we have so many channels through which we communicate, it is relatively easy to disseminate the expectations for a bully-proof workplace to employees in a timely fashion. In the following section of this chapter, we provide a sample of a Bully-Proof Workplace Policy Statement that clarifies the expectations in behavior. That is followed by “The 10 Tenets of a Bully-Proof Workplace,” which we recommend be customized and used for an employee-wide training program. The goal is that everyone on every level know how to stand up for himself or herself when dealing with a bully and to do so in a clear, respectful, and authentic manner. A workplace is bully-proof when anyone can step into the arena and lead on a topic, an issue, or a concern without fear of threat, suspicion, or mistreatment.
We, the Board of Directors, executive leadership, management, and all employed at ___________________________________ are committed to a bully-proof workplace where all people, regardless of race, gender, background, belief system, or position in the company, are treated with respect, dignity, and civility. Any type of bullying that demeans, diminishes, defames, or belittles a person through rumor, lies, devious and selfish acts, boastful and derogatory comments toward others, antisocial or aggressive behavior, or any acts that create a hostile work environment for a person or persons who have been repeatedly targeted in a consistent man-ner will not be tolerated. If this behavior is identified, corrective action will be taken immediately to realign the bully with the 10 tenets espoused by the company for a bully-proof workplace included in this policy statement. If the first corrective action is not successful, the secondary response will follow with standard performance management protocols used by the company.
Date: ____________________________________
Printed name: _____________________________
Signature: ________________________________
The 10 tenets were derived from our experience as executive coaches. While working with executives, we discerned recurring patterns of behavior that were and were not acceptable or supportive for productivity. These patterns were formulated into positively phrased tenets supporting a bully-proof workplace.
The most exhausting thing in life is being insincere.
—ANNE MORROW LINDBERGH
Establish integrity in the organization as the foundation upon which a bully-proof workplace is built. This action will cultivate the development of character in all employees, directing constant attention to the choices made at work when dealing with each other. When these choices become habituated into long-lasting behaviors, they help bring about a bully-proof workplace that honors honesty, sincerity, fairness, and promise keeping and avoids any and all bullying or coercive tactics.
Bringing honesty and sincerity into communication builds trust. Behaviors to practice include these:
• Not repeating false statements and spreading rumors
• Acting with the expectation that each exchange is one of many more to come
• Acting with the intent of building a long-term relationship
• Avoiding conflict-of-interest relationships
• Allowing others to speak and listening to them
• Sharing and giving credit for good work
• Showing respect in times of stress
• Honoring all promises, commitments, and contracts
• Respecting the intrinsic worth and dignity of all
• Resolving conflicts with honesty and open discussion, not coercion
Moral excellence comes about as a result of habit. We become just by doing just acts, temperate by doing temperate acts, brave by doing brave acts.
—ARISTOTLE
Courage is practiced by recognizing and pursuing the right way to make a good decision and discerning the difference between what is appropriately helpful and what is potentially harmful in the process. It is having the strength of mind to stay on the right course of action despite adversity in the forms of criticism, skepticism, sarcasm, and lack of enthusiasm by others. It is practicing self-discipline, self-restraint, and self-editing of all unruly impulses and reactions. It is choosing moderation, delaying gratification, and controlling anger and frustration.
Behaviors to practice include these:
• Resisting impulsive, angry, and reactive behavior
• Controlling your ego
• Monitoring your area of responsibility so you can make good judgments for the company
• Exhibiting prudence and temperance so your decisions are based on comprehensiveness and patience, not insecurities and inadequacies
• Exercising careful judgment in the use of your expertise and power at work
• Being aware of the potential conflict between people’s rights and task duties
The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.
—WILLIAM JAMES
Honor human decency and the rights and dignity of others, especially those who are different, by displaying mutual respect, openness, patience, kindness, generosity, politeness, and compassion. Refrain from interrupting others in midsentence; be sensitive to their perception of their personal worth in the workplace; and cause no harm. Members of a bully-proof workplace are able to differentiate how they feel about themselves and how they relate to others as distinct from how others feel within themselves and how they relate to others. Give and receive information and feedback respectfully to better understand the needs of others. A lack of this awareness between your needs and the needs of others will have a negative effect in conversations and on overall productivity.
Delivering difficult feedback is not easy. It requires nondefensive listening, empathy, and a sensitivity to others, as well as the skill to self-monitor how the interaction is going in real time. The person giving feedback needs to ensure that the delivery of the message is without bias, premature judgment, or admonishment using a harsh tone of voice. Engage respectfully in dialogue without creating fear, and give the other person the feeling that his personal worth has been retained. To do this, focus your full attention on the other while keeping at bay any preconceived perceptions and expectations that limit your intake of that person’s message. The other person will experience what being heard feels like—acceptance—which will draw him even more into the conversation. He can then better use the information and feedback for improvement.
When receiving information and feedback, one can summarize the information in the exchange and paraphrase back one’s understanding of what the other person has said to reach a joint understanding. This encourages and reaffirms that the exchange has a sense of fair play.
Other suggestions include these:
• Making it effortless for the other person to offer constructive feedback
• Making it comfortable for the other person to critique the work process
• Making it safe for the other person to complain about bullying
• Demonstrating in your actions that bullying is not tolerated at work
• Showing that the feedback or complaint is appreciated and will be responded to within a certain span of time, such as within the next 48 hours, if possible
• Taking suggestions on how to improve the culture
Listening builds strength in other people.
—ROBERT GREENLEAF1
To focus your attention on what another is really saying to gain complete understanding requires the self-monitoring technique of nondefensive listening. This happens by reducing the number of times there are interruptions in your own thinking with random and unrelated thoughts and by suppressing the temptation to form your own defensive responses to what is being said, all of which prevents effective listening. This requires self-restraint, honesty, and a willingness to hear the truth.
The results of nondefensive listening are more dialoguing (a give-and-take in conversation) among members and not telling or demanding; dialoguing to reach agreement on a joint understanding; purposeful intent to gain multiple perspectives; and more disclosure of information in the exchanges. Conversations will stay on message; people will be able to communicate their whole message, and they can pause to think in conversations because they lack fear.
The practice of nondefensive listening requires the following:
• Patience and acceptance to put the speaker at ease
• The removal of distractions, both inner and external
• The occasional clarifying of the message with questions such as “May we pause to make sure I understood what has been said so far?” and “Please help me know more about . . .”
• Encouraging speakers that their message is important by repeating the words they used, using affirming statements such as “I see,” and maintaining good eye contact
• Appreciating the message with comments such as “This is good to know. What other aspects are involved?”
• Suspending judgment by focusing on the worth of the content
• Asking more questions and not overtalking
• Summarizing the message you heard to ensure understanding
Nondefensive listening results in learning. In fact, listening can often be more informative than talking because you can hear what is not being said in the exchange. In today’s rapidly changing workplace, listening takes on even greater importance than just gaining content knowledge. Listen not for the information you can use to back up your preexisting opinion of another person. Listen to empathize, attend, and truly understand the other.
Nondefensive listening means making an honest attempt to hear what is being said and to understand it comprehensively—that is, verbally, vocally, and visually. If we listen only to words, we may miss the fact that perhaps the sender’s visual message contradicts the verbal message. For example, if the words convey a happy message and the facial expression of the sender is a frown, it is good to realize that important information may be missing in the situation. The sender’s tone of voice (loud or yelling) may obscure the words, even though the verbal (the words) and visual (facial expressions) aspects signal something different. The verbal, vocal, and visual components of a message should be considered when one is giving information as well as when one is receiving information.
To be a better listener, a person can confirm what is being said by asking short questions, such as, “As I understand so far . . .” “Do you mean this . . .” and “Let me be sure I am following what you are saying.” These short statements can keep the communication on track.
Nondefensive listening is rare in the workplace today. Even though most people believe they listen, they are not listening with real understanding. Yet it is one of the most potent forces for change that is known to the human race.2
A memorable example of the value of listening was demonstrated when Sperry Corporation and Burroughs merged into what is now known as the Unisys Corporation. There were some internal conflicts early on, before the merger was made final, because the Sperry side strongly practiced good listening skills, whereas communications at Burroughs were more variable. This conflict delayed the melding of the two organizations into one corporation. It was determined that of the four key workplace skills (speaking, reading, writing, and listening), listening was the least taught. Yet J. Paul Lyet, Sperry’s chairman and CEO, strongly believed that listening should be part of the culture of the new organization, and therefore he launched a corporate policy campaign to promote listening skills years before the merger. Accordingly, Burroughs’s executives and managers were encouraged to improve their practice of listening so that its employees would merge more effectively with Sperry and excel.
If you can’t determine right from wrong, then you lack empathy, not religion.
—ANONYMOUS
The nondefensive listener, having the self-restraint to avoid unrelated thoughts and suppress her own defensiveness, has created space in the exchange to be able to practice empathy to better understand where the other person is coming from. Empathy is aligning your feelings with the other person, not feeling sympathy for the other person. Sympathy sends the message to the other person that he is helpless, which may diminish the potential value of the communication. Empathy helps create a sense of openness and acceptance of the thinking and feelings of the other and keeps us from evaluating and judging that person. Empathy allows you to attend carefully to the other person and hear what he says and needs.
Practicing empathy is evidenced by signs of encouragement from the listener that include verbal (“I see,” “Tell me more about that,” and so on) and visual cues (eye contact, nodding, and avoiding other visual distractions, such as cell phones and computers, during the exchange). The choice to practice empathy with others is the basis for ego management and development of emotional strength.
Self-command is the main elegance.
—RALPH WALDO EMERSON
Ego is the inner self. Ego development begins at birth, and it is socialized, educated, and influenced by a myriad of different experiences and events through adulthood.
An ego can be healthy or unhealthy. Understanding the place ego has in self-development allows an individual to examine and manage her own expectations and direction. It is important to learn that ego management is the continual conversation we have between the inner self and the outer self to ensure that we are not excluding others in our deliberations. This helps maintain a healthy ego.
If a person’s ego is big and unhealthy and drives him to think and act only for himself, there is little room for empathy. Reining in or suppressing ego surges so that the ego can remain in a healthy state requires a balance between ego and empathy. The results of practicing empathy are sharing accomplishments among all stakeholders and engaging in dialogue without fear, slights, demeaning behavior, and bullying. People need to use their personal power to communicate and not to intimidate.
The ability to manage one’s ego and to keep it healthy is fundamental to being a boss. Being able to manage oneself inwardly is the key to managing and leading outwardly. The capacity to monitor ego, manage ego, and manage functions (that is, selecting, organizing, directing, and controlling) can be most successful when decisions are based on unselfish needs. This learning comes about from the recognition of the vital importance of using empathy with others to help manage and monitor the ego.
Individuals with healthy egos are open to continuous self-development. The healthy ego faces fear and bravely chooses the best path forward. The development of a healthy ego is not characterized by egotism, fear of being seen as an imposter, fear of rejection, anger, aggressiveness, or narcissism. Rather, it is a healthy ego that calls upon the better side of our natures for our interactions with others.
Healthy egos guide individuals to embrace humility. Humility is the ability to put others first and admit when you are wrong. It inspires others dealing with the challenges of volatility, uncertainty, complexity, and ambiguity at work. Humility can bring out the best in everyone and release positive energy throughout an organization.
When we put ourselves in the other person’s place, we’re less likely to want to put him in his place.
—Farmer’s Digest
Rapid change and heavy workloads can tax our emotions. Understanding the emotional base from which a person is speaking helps one empathize with that person and offers the opportunity to grasp the context as well as the content of another’s message. It is easier to respond to issues and act like a professional when you are able to see the situation through the other person’s emotions. When their emotions have calmed and the issue is resolved, she will remember the patience, selflessness, and fair play you demonstrated in the conversation.
We’ve all had the experience of someone’s unloading his emotions on us at some point in our careers. Those emotions may range from anger, sadness, and fear to surprise, shame, and disgust. Whenever such emotions are directed toward you, two things are happening: your ego drives you to a decision to either fight or flee, or to pursue a road to resolution—depending on whether your ego is a healthy one. The wise way is to deal with the emotions first and then deal with the context and content of the issue.
Think of a person you know in your workplace who you feel does not always act professionally. Now, instead of feeling your own emotions, focus your attention on why the other person may be acting that way. Try to see it from her point of view. Dwell on that point of view for a few minutes. Chances are that from this moment onward, you will have less of an emotional response and more of a mindful one to the person. That is the power of listening and ego management. Reflect back the emotion to reduce it by saying, “Help me understand why you are so concerned about this.”
Once the other person has recognized his emotion because you have reflected it back to him, it can, and usually does, help him gain control over it. By acknowledging it directly with one of the above questions, you can proceed to communicate your understanding of the other person’s problem without judgment, scorn, or anger. Once the emotion is no longer in the pathway of communication, you can probe more deeply into its cause. When you act to resolve the concern of someone else, you can help him move on to the real issues.
What lies in our power to do, it lies in our power not to do.
—ARISTOTLE
Power is present in all parts of the dynamic of every human interaction, and it needs to be balanced. Current workplace configurations such as global and interdependent jobs, job sharing, and virtual jobs require a prudent use of personal and position power in which the focus is on others in the company.
When we practice our personal power using nondefensive listening, empathy, and keeping the focus of the exchange on a balanced give-and-take in the interaction, it often helps others in their work. We often see that when a person is using nondefensive and nonjudgmental listening, empathy, and the guiding principles of integrity, she is looked up to by others as having potential for leadership. Others realize that the person is not out for herself, so the trust level goes up. If praised for this, she has to be careful not to inflate her self-importance and lessen her impulse control. The behavior may start to move in the direction of bullying behavior if the praise goes to her head and her ego goes awry.
Without proper preparation in dealing with this increase of feeling more powerful, two unfortunate results may occur. First, people who feel more powerful, either because they received praise from others or because they have discerned that others are deferring to them with more attention, can drive for ego domination over others. That false impression of self-importance is further reinforced when they are surrounded by sycophantic employees who believe that to safeguard their job, it is safer to reinforce the selfish and aggressive behavior they witness. Meanwhile, because the feeling of being powerful has the propensity to escalate self-importance, they have no time or tolerance for the fruitful practices of integrity (openness, generosity, patience, and civility) and interpersonal communication skills (ego management, listening, empathy, and polite give-and-take).
If people are feeling personally powerful and now have position power, it is extremely important to be diligent not to corrupt their personal power. And the people feeling personally powerful would be wise to practice the following:
• Recognize that positive leadership consists of using a balance of personal power and position power, which increases productivity as a result.
• Treat all work colleagues with consideration and respect and be alert to anyone on the team who may be using oppressive tactics to get work done.
• Deal with people in a way that uplifts, inspires, and supports.
• Understand the issues of age, gender, or race that play into communication.
• Observe the formal and informal structures of communication in the organization.
It is not the strongest of the species that survive, but the one most responsive to change.
—CHARLES DARWIN
A person-centered, nonauthoritarian, bully-proof workplace, in which people are sensitive to the dynamics of power among all stakeholders and do not mislead or exploit others, is created one conversation at a time, using genuine, ethical communication. Genuine communication requires fairness, respect, and courage. It has the power to dismantle bullying by creating an open and honest work atmosphere.3
Stand up to bullying by documenting critical incidents of bullying behavior, using prepared scripts for dealing with each type of bully, and taking an everyday approach of being proactive before conflict arises. That includes bringing into everyday conversations factual information, self-awareness, and the 10 tenets; responding in conversation in a way that creates a climate of zero tolerance of bullying; being vigilant in every conversation to increase a positive attitude toward creating a bully-proof workplace; and practicing uplifting comments in all conversations. For example, look for the silver-lining benefit to the company and use it as a teachable moment instead of blaming a person for a downturn in business. The consequences of these practices create pride in your people that they are part of something important, are continuously learning, have a sense of ownership, and enjoy being nice at work.
Employees are most enthusiastic when they can work collaboratively with others in a workplace free of threat and suspicion.
—DALTON KEHOE
Antiteam behaviors slow down and prevent a group from becoming a team and need to be eliminated in the workplace or they will derail a positive team environment and a bully-proof workplace.
Replace antiteam behaviors with team-building practices such as these:
• Dealing with difficulties in a measured way by getting others’ opinions out on the table
• Patiently pursuing decisions by using proper comparisons, good analysis, and discernment
• Harmonizing any differences with compromise and judgment moving forward
Other behaviors that help complete tasks on time include these:
• Seeking information and opinions from others
• Sharing information and opinions for greater clarification
• Elaborating and summarizing tasks at work that help future planning
Positive people skills help create a good team environment and a bully-proof workplace. These include the following:
• Encouraging others to speak at meetings
• Facilitating the flow of information and everyone’s involvement
• Setting the standard for proper and appropriate interaction among members
Imagine a good night’s sleep without obsessing about an exchange in front of others with a coworker who slighted your ability to do your job.
Imagine that when you first wake up in the morning to get ready for work, you happily begin to think of completing with efficiency and effectiveness the tasks, meetings, planning sessions, and one-on-one conversations that you have on your agenda. Even though you will be interacting with people at work who are above you in rank, of equal rank to you, and subordinate to you, there should be no difference in the way you interact with them.
Imagine that you have power with others and not over others. The goal is to be as productive as possible and accomplish as much as possible without wasting time, energy, or resources. You know your colleagues at work will support you if and when you need their thoughts, suggestions, or expertise, because you have trusting working relationships with everyone.
Imagine that when deadlines loom, the environment becomes even more consciously supportive, helpful, and kind. When there is no deadline looming, you notice that people don’t waste their time being idle and instead look for whatever else needs to get done.
Imagine that there is always a feeling of continuous improvement occurring along with a shared commitment to addressing the constant change and disruptions of a company operating in a global environment.