ANY MEMBER OF A SEXUAL minority faces special challenges in finding partners and friends—and, as a slut or slut-wannabe, you are most assuredly a member of a sexual minority. Polyamory is not readily understood or accepted in very many social environments. If you’re also gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, or interested in a specialized area of sexuality such as cross-dressing or S/M, you are doubly or triply challenged. And yet making the connections of your dreams is not only possible but eminently achievable, as many thousands of abundantly connected sluts can happily attest.
However, we’d be the last people to tell you that it will always be easy. We’ve heard, and lived, too many sad, frustrating stories about near misses: partners who are fine with an open relationship until someone falls in love, at which point they freak out and demand monogamy; or partners who rhapsodize about sexual openness and free love in principle but fall apart when faced with the reality (Janet says these remind her of the dog who chases cars all his life, then can’t figure out what to do with one when he catches it). Some partners may become successfully polyamorous but come to a time when their needs, desires, and limits simply don’t fit together well enough—after all, sex is not the only or the most important aspect that determines the way we relate.
Yet many people do succeed in finding each other, for relationships ranging from casual to lifetime. So, how do you find friends, lovers, and potential partners who not only share your values and beliefs, but are also emotionally, intellectually, and sexually compatible with you?
A good place to start is by getting an idea of who you’re looking for. The trick in making this decision is to be neither too specific nor too vague. If your “who” list basically includes anybody who is breathing and who is willing to have sex with you, we suggest that you are perhaps broadening your field a bit too much. Even if you don’t have strong preferences about gender, age, appearance, background, or intelligence, you probably do want someone who will not lie to you, steal from you, hurt you, or exploit you: basic sanity, honesty, and respectfulness are on most of our lists. It is also perfectly fine to acknowledge those preferences that are genuinely important to you: if you prefer men to women, or people your own age to people much older or younger, nobody is going to report you to the Equal Opportunity Commission.
On the other hand, if your “who” list reads like a set of technical specifications—gender, age, weight, height, coloring, mode of dress, educational background, breast size, penis size, sexual kinks—we suspect that you may be more interested in making love to your own fantasy than you are to a real, live person. Many of us, unfortunately, are conditioned to react sexually to a rather unrealistic standard of appearance and behavior: porn queens and kings are fun to watch in the movies, but they rarely appear in our living rooms. If you expect your new honey to be gorgeous, intelligent, loving, and highly sexual all the time, you are almost certainly setting yourself up for a lifetime of disappointment—few people can achieve those standards, and nobody can maintain them twenty-four hours a day.
We can’t tell you the exact cutoff point at which a healthy preference becomes an unrealistic desire; only you can look inside yourself to do that. We do think that physical appearance, wealth, and social status have very little to do with the person behind them, and if any of those criteria appear high up on your “who” list, you may be a little bit stuck in your fantasy. Try getting to know some people who don’t meet those criteria. We have a hunch that if you get to know them and like them, you will discover that they have their own unique beauties, just waiting there for someone to notice them.
EXERCISE The Airport Game
Next time you find yourself in a public place like an airport or mall, find a place to sit where you can look at people without drawing attention to yourself. Then, for each person you look at, imagine: What is this person’s lover’s favorite thing about them? Do they have a strong stride, a sweet smile, bright eyes, powerful shoulders, hair that looks soft to the touch? Pretty much everybody is, or has been, loved by someone—see if you can see what makes this particular person lovable and lustworthy, even if they’re not the kind of person you’re used to seeing that way.
An important note: even people who are gorgeous or rich or busty or whatever don’t usually like to feel that their beauty, their wallet, or their breasts are their most attractive quality. Those who partner successfully with them often consider such qualities a happy bonus that has little or nothing to do with why they chose that person in the first place.
Where do sluts gather? What are your best-bet venues for finding the bedmate, playmate, or lifemate of your dreams?
In the decade since we first wrote this book, the answer to that question has changed a great deal. “Polyamory” is now listed in the Oxford English Dictionary. Newspapers, magazines, and websites worldwide have run detailed articles describing this strange new lifestyle. Support groups have sprung up in all major U.S. cities and many smaller ones; several larger annual conferences draw connection-minded sluts from all over the world.
It is impossible to list here the wide variety of polyamory-related venues that are available to you, because there are too many and they change too fast, but we have listed a number of them in our Resource Guide. One small caveat: there are almost as many definitions of the word “polyamory” as there are people using it. You may find yourself confronting people who insist that whatever you’re doing (swinging, fuck-buddy circles, casual play, group sex, whatever) isn’t really polyamory: the most conservative definition of the term encompasses only long-term committed multipartner relationships. Our strategy for dealing with this issue is to smile sweetly and agree: “OK, what I’m doing isn’t polyamory by your definition.”
If, for whatever reason, the online polyamory community doesn’t feel like the right place for your quest, there are many options for seeking out other sluts in person. It is difficult to find sluts in dance clubs—the music is often too loud for an exchange of ideas or ambitions. Try searching the web for “ethical slut munch” or “polyamory munch” in your area, and meet some people who like to get together and talk about the lifestyle. We find a lot of ethical sluts exploring alternative realities: try your local Society for Creative Anachronism and other historical re-enactment groups, and know that many Renaissance Faires are practically sluts’ trade conferences. Check out science fiction conventions or live action role-playing game groups. If your sluttery has a spiritual leaning, many groups of neopagans are far more open than traditional Judeo-Christian religions to alternative lifestyles. (Many others aren’t, so don’t make any untoward assumptions.)
Another good place to look can be in workshops, seminars, and gatherings that have to do with human sexuality or intimacy. While cruising is, understandably, not allowed at some of these activities (people baring their souls are doing difficult work that can be disturbed by having to be on guard against unwanted advances), graduates often go on meeting socially long after the actual session is over. There are also several regional and national conferences about sexuality and intimacy, and these are attended by many kindred slutty spirits.
When you go to events where you can expect to meet like-minded folk, you will usually need to invest a little time in becoming a member of the group you are visiting. Start out by making friends, and don’t be friendly only to people you want to cruise. Make as many friends as you can, and people will start to trust you. One good initial tactic is to go find some people like yourself, not your ideal opposite number, and make friends with them. If they are like you, they probably know people you will like.
Most of these gathering places and events are made possible by a lot of hard-working volunteers, so the absolute number one best way to get to know people in a group you like is to volunteer to do something useful: greet folks at the door, help with refreshments, join the clean-up crew. You will meet a ton of people and they will be grateful to you. Both of your authors have become valued members of many communities by helping out and by offering our living rooms as meeting places to support groups and social functions. Generally, we get a friendly crew to help us set up and to clean up afterward. Then we don’t even have to leave home to attend.
Sluts have been finding each other through personal ads for many decades, and personal-ad partner finding has expanded enormously in the last decade or two, fueled by the widespread availability of Internet access.
One couple who recently celebrated their eighth anniversary says,
We would never have found each other if we’d met face-to-face in the first place. Anthea is tall and girly and a single mom and an agnostic; Bev is short and energetic and resolutely child-free and Jewish. Neither of us is anything like the people either of us has chosen before. But since we met through the personals, we had a chance to get to know each other at a deeper level, before we had to confront all the surface stuff that would have turned us off if we’d seen that first.
Those seeking nontraditional relationships may, however, find themselves addressing some problems of categorization. One well-known international free advertising site, for example, offers two types of relationship ads, the regular partner-seeking ones and “casual encounters”; people explicitly seeking nonmonogamous longer-term relationships sometimes find that their ads in the partner-seeking section have been removed. We don’t have an answer for this, except to hope that this site will consider adding an “alternative relationships” category soon.
There are also paid sites, usually sponsored by magazines and newspapers, that cost a few dollars a month and offer a bit more flexibility in how you describe yourself and what kind of relationship you’re seeking; Janet and her spouse E found each other on one of these. At this time, many online matchmaking services do not support nonmonogamous lifestyles, and some will even take down ads that mention poly, but we’re sure that will change as polyfolk become more visible. However, the website PolyMatchMaker.com offers space for all sorts of poly and alternative personal ads for people of all genders and orientations. And OkCupid.com offers an ethical slut test that will help you match your values with other participants. Dossie and her partner recently took this test and are happy to report that they both qualified, although Dossie was a bit miffed to discover that her partner got a higher score than she did. On the test, that is.
When you meet people through a personal ad, it is customary to get to know them in stages, starting with email correspondence, then perhaps a phone conversation, and then a no-strings get-together in a public place for coffee or a meal, so that you can get to know the other person slowly and with as little pressure as possible. Be aware that you know nothing about this person beyond words on a screen, and take the same precautions you would take in meeting any other stranger.
A special case: What if you fall in love with a person who wants monogamy? This situation is going to be tough. We know that this is a valid disagreement, and also a very basic difference. In our more thoughtless moments, we have blithely assumed that once this delightful person who has won our heart discovers that ethical sluttery is possible, he or she will instantly want to join in—but that is not always the case. Please remember that nobody is right and nobody is wrong; this is about two different ways of structuring a relationship, and both, or all, choices are valid. You may choose for the present to continue exploring this relationship because it is precious to you, and you want see how things evolve, even if you may be disappointed at some time in the future. Both of you need to agree to tolerate the ambiguity of knowing that ultimately you each want something different. Entering into a relationship while planning to change your partner is not respectful to your beloved and could make big trouble in the future.
Make “for the time being” agreements about how you will live at present and seek out knowledge and experience that will help you understand each other’s positions. Read this book together, read a good book on intimacy. Refrain from bad-mouthing each other’s choices. Attend some workshops together—maybe one on poly, and one on hot monogamy. Join some online support groups on relevant topics, and find time to discuss what you learn from all of these sources.
Consider the wide spectrum of relationship options available to you—perhaps the one that best fits your needs may not be what you thought you were looking for. Meanwhile, we feel sure that you entered into this potentially difficult situation because there is a great deal that you treasure in this particular relationship and that the value of your love together outweighs the differences between you. Whether the two of you wind up as friends, lovers, spouses, or something else that’s unique to your pairing, we hope you’ll find a way to keep on cherishing that love.
What kind of relationship do you want? Do you want someone with whom you can buy a house and raise a family? Someone you can meet once a year for a hot and heavy weekend of role-playing fun? Or Ms. or Mr. Right Now? Knowing what you want up front can prevent a lot of misunderstandings and hurt feelings later.
If you’re worried that nobody could possibly want what you have to offer, don’t be so sure. While it may be harder to find someone who wants to be a secondary partner, or a role-play buddy, or the parent of your children, it is certainly possible—in fact, there are undoubtedly at least a few people out there who are looking for just such a situation.
Trick versus partner is not an either/or situation: there are many, many ways to relate that lie between a one-night stand and marriage. You may not know in advance what kind of relationship will develop with the person who intrigues you tonight, and that person may not fit whatever space in your life you thought you were looking to fill. Taking people as they come, how they are, here and today, can lead you to wonderful surprises that more than make up for the occasional disappointment. So watch out for your preconceptions, and be ready to approach new people with an open mind and an open heart.
Expect situations to change. Someone you thought was just an occasional playmate may evolve into a much more important figure in your personal landscape. When this happens—and it has happened to both of us—it is important to keep that person, and anyone else involved, thoroughly briefed on the emotional shifts you’re experiencing. It may be that your friend is feeling the same way toward you … and this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship. Or the object of your desire may just not be in a place where a deep emotional commitment feels right. In any case, treat this changed relationship as though it were a new one—in a way, it is. It may be that the two of you can go on connecting in your original, casual manner, or you may have to part for a while to maintain your original equilibrium. Full mindfulness, lots of empathy, and plenty of honest communication are strongly recommended here.
Perhaps the person you want is already in your circle of acquaintances, only you don’t know it yet. Janet writes:
E and I had known each other casually for years, and with an unfortunate history: I’d once written a newspaper piece harshly criticizing one of the policies of the small business he was running at the time. So when I saw him on the street, we would say a fairly stiff “hello” and part with a slight sense of relief.
However, when I answered the personal ad from a man who described me quite precisely in his list of desired characteristics, I didn’t know it was him.
It took several rounds of correspondence before we each began to figure out who the other one was, and then all our mutual friends started getting phone calls from each of us asking about the other one. E was in a relationship with one of Dossie’s roommates for several years—that’s how close the connection actually was, once we figured it out.
We’d already fallen half in love just through email correspondence. Our first date was for Thai food and a long walk around one of Oakland’s nicest neighborhoods. We had some negotiating to do around the whole issue of poly—some of his previous partners had been pretty good at the slut part but not so good at the ethical part—but he was willing to at least try.
He moved in a year or so later, and we got married a few months after that. As of this writing, we’re approaching our third wedding anniversary and our fifth anniversary as a couple.