THE week before Christmas was not the best time for a girl from tropical North Queensland to be visiting Scotland. As Annie walked beside the Lake of Menteith, she tried to imagine this scene in summer when it was bathed in sunshine, bordered by lush, green forests and busy with busloads of tourists and fishermen in boats. Now the shores of this romantic lake in the heart of the Trossachs were white and stark. And so-o-o-o cold.
Then again, lonely, cold, windswept shores suited Annie’s mood. Out here she could feel as bleak as she liked and no one could bother her with well-meaning questions.
Fat snowflakes fell, settling on her head and shoulders as she stared out to the little island in the middle of the lake.
And thought of Theo.
It happened all the time now. It didn’t matter what she looked at, where she visited or whom she talked to…she thought about Theo and longed for him. He commanded centre stage in her thoughts first thing in the morning, at noon, and into the long, lonely nights.
Coming to Scotland hadn’t helped at all.
It was wonderful to see her mother, of course. Lovely to meet her mother’s friends and to get to know the quaint town of Aberfoyle where her mother and her Aunt Flora lived. But Annie hadn’t been able to bring herself to talk to her mother about Theo.
What was the point? How would it help to talk about him, when what she craved was to see him, to feel his arms around her, to have him with her, in her life. She needed him here beside her.
She longed to share these new sights with Theo. If only she could slip her arm through his and walk with him over this ground. She longed to talk with him…
They would talk about everything…
She could almost hear their voices above the crunching sounds of her boots treading on icy snowflakes…
They would discuss the fascinating history of Rob Roy and the monks at Inchmahome, an ancient priory that had been built centuries ago on the little island in the middle of this lake. She could take him to see her favourite sights so far—the charm of a cluster of pines beside the wee kirk in Aberfoyle, the breathtaking grandeur of Stirling Castle, or the gorgeous stone bridge over the falls at Killin.
But without Theo, Scotland’s attractions seemed insignificant and colourless—as stodgy as porridge and as bleak as the leaden skies looming low over the lake.
It was shameful how weak she was. If he rang again, she was sure she would have to speak to him. She should be disciplining her mind, training herself to forget about him, instead of obsessing about him night and day. But how could she ever forget Theo? She knew he was the one, the man she’d been searching for all her life. Her soul cried out for him.
Except…I’ve given him up and I must forget him.
Oh, help…Time to drive on to check out Loch Katrine.
As she crossed the icy ground to her parked car, her mobile phone beeped and her heart took off like a duck at the sound of a shotgun. How stupid of her. It wouldn’t be Theo.
Digging a thickly gloved hand deep in the pocket of her coat, she extracted the phone, but her woollen gloves were so thick she almost pressed the wrong button as she tried to receive the call.
It was Kane’s number.
She let out her breath with a whoosh and willed herself to relax.
‘Hi, Kane,’ she said, raising her voice above the wind. ‘How are you?’
‘I’m terrific,’ he said and she knew immediately that it was true. She could hear his happiness ringing in his voice. ‘Charity and I are getting married.’
‘Oh, Kane! Oh, wow! That’s fantastic!’ She let out an excited little squeal. ‘When?’
‘In a few weeks’ time. Here in Derbyshire. You and Mum and Aunt Flora will all have to come, of course.’
‘Of course we’ll come. We’ll be there with bells on. Oh, Kane, I’m so happy for you. Congratulations. You sound so excited.’
‘I’m over the moon, Annie. I can’t believe Charity wants me. You’ve no idea how good this feels.’
‘I—I guess not.’
‘I’ll get back to you soon with details, dates, venues et cetera.’
‘Yes, okay.’
‘Oh, I forgot to ask. How’s Scotland?’
‘Lovely. I’m driving around the lochs today. How’s Derbyshire?’
‘It’s amazing—has a cute factor right off the scale. Hollydean, where Charity lives, is the sort of place we only get to see on Christmas cards.’
‘Everything over here is so pretty, isn’t it? Have you rung Reid?’
‘Yes, I wanted to tell him first. If it wasn’t for the pair of you urging me over here, I’d probably still be at home moping around Southern Cross like a wounded dog.’
‘Our pleasure, mate.’
They said their farewells and Annie dropped the mobile back into her pocket. Kane was ecstatic. And she was so happy for him. She was, she really was.
Just the same, as she continued to the car she almost collapsed beneath the weight of a sudden cloud of despair. She tried not to let Kane’s happiness highlight her own misery, but she couldn’t help it. She felt so instantly black and hopeless; it was as if she’d stumbled into a bottomless hole with no hope of rescue.
She needed Theo more than ever. Now. This moment. Suddenly she knew she had to make contact. She couldn’t face another day, another hour, without speaking to him.
Her heart raced frantically as she pictured herself dredging up the emotional courage to telephone him. It would be night-time in Australia, but not so late that he would be asleep. Yes, she would do it. She could justify her call on the grounds that she needed to make sure he’d been reinstated at the university and that her sacrifice had been worthwhile.
Leaning against the side of the car, she pulled off one glove so that she could punch in the international code followed by Theo’s number.
Oh, God, what could she say? I just need to hear your voice?
Her chest felt so tight she could hardly breathe. At this rate, when Theo answered she would be too breath-less to say anything. But she would feel better once she knew that he was all right.
Closing her eyes, she dragged in a deeper breath as she listened to the phone ringing.
Then it stopped and her heart almost shot clear out of her throat.
‘Hi, Theo Grainger speaking.’
She experienced a jolt of pure elation. It was so, so good to hear his lovely voice. ‘Hi, Theo.’
‘I’m afraid I can’t take your call. I’m on an extended vacation. Please leave a message after the beep…’
‘Oh, no, no!’
Extended vacation? Oh, God, no.
That meant the worst had happened—the very worst. He didn’t have his job back; her sacrifice had been wasted.
And now he’d gone away—disappeared beyond her reach.
She couldn’t hold back a horrible, harrowing moan. And she was too blinded by tears to find the disconnect button and too devastated to care that her heartbreak was being recorded.
She’d made a mess of everything. Everything! And coming to the other side of the world, which she’d thought was the best, the wisest, thing to do, had been a stupid, terrible mistake.
Standing on the bottom step at Southern Cross homestead Theo felt at a distinct disadvantage, especially as Annie’s brother was glaring down at him from the top step, and more especially because the brother’s welcome smile had vanished the moment Theo had mentioned Annie’s name.
‘You came all the way from Brisbane just to speak to my little sister?’
‘That’s right.’ Theo mounted the steps slowly and felt marginally better when he reached the top and discovered that he was much the same height as the scowling brother. Holding out his hand, he said, ‘How do you do? I’m Theo Grainger.’
The brother nodded and, although he shook hands, a wary caution lingered in his cool grey eyes. ‘Reid McKinnon,’ he said, then his lips snapped tightly shut.
‘I was hoping to find Annie. Is she at home?’
‘I’m not sure that’s any of your business.’
So this encounter would be as tough as Theo had feared. He squared his shoulders. ‘Your sister may feel differently.’
‘I doubt it. You’re the fellow who’s been ringing her, aren’t you? She’s refused to answer your calls.’
‘Yes, I’m afraid that’s right.’
‘Can’t you take a hint, mate?’
‘Believe me, I do understand your concern.’
Reid’s eyes betrayed a brief flicker of surprise before he resorted to scowling again. ‘You’re dead right I’m concerned about Annie. And if you had anything to do with the state she’s in, you should be bloody ashamed of yourself, Grainger.’
‘State? What do you mean?’ Theo’s voice seemed to crack and, in spite of his intention to remain calm and polite, he found himself shouting. ‘What state? What are you talking about?’
Reid didn’t answer.
Pain filled Theo’s throat and he felt as if he’d swallowed a block of marble. ‘Where is Annie? What’s happened to her?’
At last Reid looked as if he was about to say something, but then he hesitated again.
Theo groaned and slammed one fisted hand into the palm of the other. ‘You must understand how I feel about your sister. Do you really think I would travel over a thousand kilometres just to see her if she wasn’t immensely important to me?’
Suddenly, from behind him came an explosion of barking and he whirled around to see Basil straining to get out through the passenger window of his hire truck. A Border collie, her tail wagging madly, was barking just as loudly as she leaped to greet him.
Theo spun back to Reid. ‘Is that Lavender?’
‘Annie told you about Lavender?’
‘Of course she did. It isn’t possible to know Annie without knowing all about Lavender, is it?’
‘I don’t suppose it is,’ Reid said, looking slightly stunned. ‘Hey, Lavender,’ he bawled. ‘Cut that out.’
The collie ignored him and the tail wagging and frenzied barking continued.
‘What’s got into her?’ Reid muttered. ‘Anyone would think those dogs were long lost friends.’
He hurried down the steps and Theo followed him. By now, Lavender was leaping so high she was almost doing back flips and Basil was trying to squeeze through the too narrow gap of open window.
‘Stop that right now,’ Theo ordered his dog. ‘You’ll wreck the hire truck.’ When Basil ignored him, he strode around to the driver’s door and swung it open. Next minute Basil whipped past him.
‘Well, I’ll be…’ said Reid as the dogs found each other. Almost immediately the barking diminished. Lavender began to sniff excitedly at the piece of yellow ribbon on Basil’s collar and Theo realised what had caused the fuss.
‘That’s Annie’s hair ribbon,’ he explained.
Reid’s face flushed and for a moment he looked confused. But then, as he watched the dogs continue to check each other out, his mouth twitched into a puzzled half-smile.
He dropped his gaze to the toes of his riding boots, gave this some thought for a moment or two, then looked up to Theo and assessed him coolly, but his smile was warm as he said, ‘Perhaps you’d better come inside. Then you can explain exactly why you’re here.’
Jessie McKinnon pushed a plate towards her daughter. ‘Have another scone, Annie.’
‘I couldn’t possibly.’
Sighing, Jessie set her cup and saucer aside and leaned forward. ‘You’re not well, are you, dear?’
‘Of course I am, Mum. I’m fine.’
To Annie’s dismay, silver tears glinted in Jessie’s eyes. ‘I haven’t been much of a mother in the past few years,’ she said unexpectedly. ‘I feel as if I’ve let my children down.’
‘No, Mum.’ Despite the loneliness she’d felt over the past six years, Annie knew this wasn’t a moment for brutal honesty. Besides, during her time in Aberfoyle, she’d begun to suspect that there were stronger reasons for her mother’s absence than she or her brothers had ever guessed.
‘We’ve been fine at home,’ Annie said. ‘The boys have been fantastic. Anyhow, we bullied you into coming back to Scotland after Dad died and you’ve simply been a very obedient parent.’
Jessie looked down at her hands in her lap. ‘Just the same, my dear, if I’d been a better mother to you, you might have been able to talk to me and tell me what’s troubling you.’
Annie’s teacup rattled as she set it back on the saucer.
‘I’ve been watching you for weeks now and you’re getting paler and thinner. Flora’s noticed it, too. You can’t pretend that you’re not terribly upset about something, Annie.’
‘No,’ Annie said softly.
‘Is it a man, darling?’
Closing her eyes against the sudden rush of hot tears, Annie nodded.
‘You love him?’
Again Annie nodded.
‘But he doesn’t love you?’
Her eyes flashed open. ‘Oh, no, Mum. It’s not like that.’ Seconds stretched into eternity as their gazes linked and held. Dusky shadows were creeping into the kitchen and in the fading light Jessie McKinnon’s lovely blue eyes seemed to shimmer with a dark, secret wisdom as if to say, You can trust me, Annie. I’ve had my share of pain and I understand…
Perhaps it was the compassion in her mother’s eyes, or perhaps it was simply the right time, but suddenly Annie knew that she couldn’t hold back any longer. She had to tell her mother about Theo before she collapsed from the strain.
It was almost dark by the time she finished her story.
Jessie listened quietly with very few interruptions. Then she rose and hurried to Annie, giving her a long, hard hug and Annie clung to her, treasuring the comforting warmth of motherly arms so long denied to her.
‘You poor darling,’ Jessie said. ‘My poor, brave girl.’
She didn’t offer further comment at first, and Annie felt suddenly nervous as Jessie moved quietly about the snug kitchen, turning on the lights, checking the casserole in the oven and drawing the pretty floral curtains to block out the encroaching night.
‘How about a pre-dinner sherry while we talk about this?’ she said.
‘Thanks.’ Annie’s nerves tightened a notch. There was something about the tone of her mother’s voice that suggested she would need this drink.
As soon as Jessie was seated again and they each had a glass of sherry in front of them, Annie said, ‘You do think I did the right thing, don’t you, Mum? Don’t you agree that I had no choice but to leave Theo?’
She held her breath as she waited for her mother’s quick reassurance.
But the answer didn’t come immediately. Jessie stared at her sherry glass, twisting its stem to make it turn slowly.
‘Mum?’
Lifting her gaze from the glass to her daughter, Jessie reached out and clasped Annie’s hand. ‘You’ve been very brave, Annie. And I’m proud of you.’ She paused and seemed to be carefully thinking through what she would say next. ‘In every situation there is a better and a worse way to behave, and you saw what you thought was the only right thing to do and found the courage to do what you felt you must.’
‘But?’ whispered Annie. ‘There’s a but, isn’t there? I can hear it in your voice.’ Her insides flinched. Was she strong enough for this? She’d thought she would feel better if she told her mother about Theo. ‘What is it, Mum? Tell me quickly.’
Jessie sighed softly. ‘I—I can’t help thinking that you made one serious mistake.’
‘What’s that?’
‘You didn’t consult Theo.’
‘But I couldn’t!’
‘I know that was how you felt, dear, but try just for a moment to think about the situation from his point of view.’
‘Of course I’ve been thinking about it from his point of view. All I ever did was think about what I had cost him. It was because of me that he lost his job. And he was probably losing his house, his life in Brisbane. Everything.’
‘So you made a rash decision by yourself and then you left without allowing him any chance to discuss it.’
‘But he would have tried to persuade me to stay.’
‘Didn’t you want to stay?’
Annie moaned. ‘Yes, of course I did.’ She dropped her head into her hands, then jerked upright again. ‘I can’t believe you’re so down on me.’
‘Annie, I’m not down on you. But I know how impetuous you are, darling. Sometimes—’ She sighed and left that sentence unfinished. ‘What bothers me is that you weren’t totally honest with Theo. You didn’t tell him everything that Claudia said to you.’
‘Because I was sure he wouldn’t believe me. I wouldn’t have believed it, if I hadn’t heard it with my own ears. Claudia’s quite beautiful and she’s the Top Gun of the philosophy department. Why would a woman in that position be jealous of a clueless little ditzy chick from the bush?’
‘I think you’re underselling your assets, Annie.’ Jessie sighed. ‘Okay, even if we leave that aside, you didn’t give Theo a chance to come up with his own solution to the problem.’
‘That—that’s true.’
‘Surely it was up to him to decide what was best for his career.’
Oh, God. Annie stared at her mother. She felt winded. Winded and wounded. She didn’t want to hear this. Struggling to her feet, she began to pace the room. Was her mother right? Had she been totally, totally foolish? A martyr without a just cause?
She’d thought she’d offered Theo a gift of freedom, but had she denied him the chance to make a choice? Theo was mature and patient—a philosopher, trained to think through crises till he reached a reasonable outcome. She, on the other hand, had always been impetuous and rash, swept away by emotions, eager to make the grand gesture.
‘What have I done?’ she whispered. ‘Oh, God, Mum, I’ve lost him and it’s all my own fault.’