7

 

I awoke Saturday morning with an ache radiating through my whole right breast. I was confused. Instead of improving after implementing my exercise program again, the pain had increased. I did some stretching and hopped into the shower, standing under the hot water a little longer than normal. I must have pulled something. The tugging ache wouldn’t go away. I swallowed a couple of pain killers and tried to ignore it.

Sunday morning the ache remained and continued throughout the day. By the time Griffey and I headed to bed Sunday night, he even noticed something was awry with me.

“Hon, are you feeling OK?” Concern filled his voice.

“Actually, no.” I put my hand over the aching area and twisted my arm around still trying to relieve whatever strain I had caused. “I seem to have pulled something in here, and it just won’t loosen.”

“You need to get that checked out.” He leveled a serious gaze at me.

“Yeah, I’ll call tomorrow for an appointment.”

I still felt compelled to walk the next morning. After getting into a good clip, Conrad joined me.

“Well, hello, Conrad.”

“Addy.” His voice didn’t sound upbeat. In fact, there was almost a worry in his tone and expression.

“Is everything all right, Conrad?”

“Yes, it will be.” He stopped, putting his hand out to halt me as well. He gazed directly into my eyes. “Sometimes situations don’t appear to contain blessing, but they do.”

My heart fluttered with anxiousness and restlessness. I wanted to question his statement, but I didn’t know how. His tone was one of warning. He started to walk again, and we continued in silence until arriving at my front door.

“Addy, God loves you and works for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.”

“Yes, we are more than conquerors and can never be separated from His love.”

Conrad placed his hands on my shoulders, looking into my eyes. He smiled. “Yes.” He squeezed my shoulders gently and then strolled away.

I stood looking after him knowing in my spirit that something was about to happen. Something which would call for me to remember those words Conrad had spoken from Romans. I shivered at the unknown. Then, I took a deep breath and went inside, going through my shower and dressing routine with Conrad’s words still resonating in my head.

I secured an appointment for Thursday. I hoped the pain would subside, and I could call back to cancel, but that didn’t happen.

I sat in the examination room waiting for Lisa, a member of our church and a nurse practitioner.

“Hey, Addy.” Lisa burst into the room and plunked onto her stool. She wheeled my way. “Now, what’s up with you, girl?” She tapped her pen on her chin.

I explained the pain, and she examined the area.

“Mm, guess we should get some pictures. Can you run over to the imaging center across from the hospital?”

“Sure. What do you think it is?”

“Well, I don’t know. I’m not really worried about breast cancer because that doesn’t really cause pain. I’m wondering if you’ve pulled something too.” She talked and wrote on her clipboard at the same time.

When she mentioned the word cancer, my stomach knotted. I hadn’t even considered that, but Lisa’s demeanor put me at ease.

She looked up from her writing. “It’ll take a couple of days for the results to come back to me. Can I just call you?” She glanced up, no worry in her tone or expression.

I nodded. “Yes, of course.” I gave her my cell phone number which I would have with me wherever I might be.

“After that, I’ll see if you need a muscle relaxer or something.” She waved her hand dismissively.

“OK.”

That evening I calmly reported to Griffey about my appointments.

“It’s never a bad idea to get something checked out even it if turns out to be nothing.” He sat back, straightening the newspaper as I walked into the laundry room and plunked down a load of dirty clothes.

“You’re right.” I stretched my arm and shoulder again. “I do hope she has something to give me to alleviate the ache. It’s annoying.”

I didn’t want to admit how anxious I actually was for Lisa to call. The pain wouldn’t stop, and I was ready to get a pill for my ache and be done with it.

My cell phone vibrated, and I pulled it from my pocket.

“Lisa, hey, I was just wondering if you’d gotten those results.”

“Yeah, I did.”

“Will I need to come back in for you to write me a prescription?” I continued to separate the clothes into three piles, the phone balanced on my shoulder.

“Actually, we have to go one more step. But, I don’t think anything will come of it. The sonogram results showed a lump, so we have to do a biopsy.”

I stopped cold. “A biopsy.” I hadn’t meant for my pitch to be that high.

“It’s OK, Addy. This is precautionary. Probably just an innocent cyst. Like I said, normally cancerous lumps aren’t accompanied with pain.”

I sighed. “All right. What do I need to do?”

“The hospital will call you to set it up.”

“Thanks, Lisa.”

Griffey had heard and now stood at the laundry room door. Since Lisa wasn’t worried about the lump, I decided I need not let my mind run away with anxious thoughts either.

“Let’s not cause any undue alarm within the church congregation. We’ll just keep this to ourselves,” I said.

Griffey nodded his agreement.

 

****

 

Griffey took me to the hospital that Friday morning. I wasn’t crazy about the idea of being awake during the biopsy, but it would mean I could leave sooner since no heavy anesthesia would have to wear off.

A doctor and a couple of assistants introduced themselves and began the procedure. The three chattered as if they were conversing over their morning coffee, making the atmosphere in the room light. I sensed a pull and immediately the room went silent. Countenances fell and brows knitted. At that moment, a tear slipped down my cheek. This was no routine biopsy. This was breast cancer.

Of course, none of them could discuss anything with me. I was to await a call from the referring doctor as to the results.

Back at home, I told Griffey what had happened during the procedure, and his worry lines stuck out even when he tried to give me a pep talk.

“Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. The sample still has to be tested. It could still be nothing.”

I nodded but deep inside I knew better. I remembered my last walk with Conrad—it all came back to me. Lisa referred me to Dr. Lawson, and I walked around in a daze after her call. I kept repeating to myself—“I am more than a conqueror. Nothing can separate me from God’s love.”

I retreated to our home office, at first sitting in my desk chair, but as I began to pray I slipped to my knees onto the floor, bowing my head low. “What’s going to happen to me? Am I going to die, Lord? I need more time to do something significant for You. I’ve only just begun. ”

I found myself faced with circumstances I never thought I’d have to face.

 

****

 

Two days later Griffey sat beside me in Dr. Lawson’s office, holding my trembling hand.

“After reviewing everything, I would suggest a full mastectomy, but some like to take their chances with just removing the lump. I’m not sure in your case that we can assure getting it all unless we do the full.” He looked me in the eyes as if waiting for an answer.

I swallowed. “I’ll do what you suggest.”

“Be the blessing.”

I couldn’t believe I had heard the urging whisper right now. How was I to be the blessing? I was the one who needed blessing right now.

“All right. We’ll get this set up as soon as possible. We’ll talk treatments after we check the lymph nodes.” He stood and extended his hand.

Griffey rose and shook it, pulling me up with his other hand.

I had watched so many women go through this breast cancer battle, some still fighting years later. I wasn’t sure I was up to the challenge.

I remembered years before at Christmas when Emily and I had taken sweet Halina for her treatment and what a positive affect she had had on so many people. Tears threatened when I recalled the phone ringing late one night a year ago. The caller was Halina’s husband overcome with grief because he had watched his wife draw her last breath just moments before. As Griffey rushed to their home to console him, I buried my face in my pillow and cried until no more tears would come. Could I fight as valiantly as Halina had?

Why now? Why this? Why me?

That Sunday night I slipped into a back pew as Griffey began a new series on Job. I opened my Bible to follow along. Griffey made some introductory remarks, and then he started to read aloud from the Bible.

“Then the Lord said to Satan, ‘Have you considered my servant, Addy?’”

My head snapped up and my breath caught in my throat. I glanced around. Everyone’s heads were still bent over their Scriptures.

Could I, like Job, remain devoted to God? Would I be able to praise Him even through breast cancer? I had always watched from the audience as others battled the harsh opponent of cancer. Many were the epitome of strong warriors, holding tight and pronouncing their faith in the Lord. Now I would enter the arena. I’d never seen myself as up for a task of this magnitude. But, God would never place more on me than I could handle, right? That was a promise in His Word. A battle raged within me for where my trust would lie.

I jolted when the invitation hymn began. I coaxed myself to stand, clinging to the pew back in front of me. The words to “Only Trust Him” rang throughout the room and into my heart. As the trust slowly bored into my resistant heart, I released my grasp and marched forward. I flung myself physically onto the stage steps and spiritually onto God’s lap. I allowed the tears to stream. An arm went around my waist. I glanced into Griffey’s tear-stained face.

“I’ve ministered to so many with cancer, but this is too close. I don’t know how to do this, Addy.” His bottom lip quivered.

I wrapped an arm around his shoulders. “All I know is—only trust Him.”

He embraced me, pulling me close. After several moments, he pulled back, took my hand, and stood facing the congregation. With the other hand, he motioned for the people to be seated. “If you could be seated for a moment.” He gazed into my eyes, and I nodded. “Pardon the delay, but I need to ask for your prayers.” His voice broke, and he cleared his throat. “Addy has been diagnosed with breast cancer and will undergo surgery soon.” He squeezed my hand and continued. “Please pray for both of us.”

After the closing prayer, almost every person present came by to offer encouragement which touched me beyond belief. Maybe I had become closer to this new church body than I thought. As a ministry couple, Griffey and I usually did the comforting and praying for others. It was hard to accept their care when we were normally the caregivers. I often knew intimate details of others’ lives but didn’t reciprocate for fear of being hurt. If I had a problem, I hid it and only shared with my family or Emily. This was a big obstacle that required big prayers. I had never felt more dependent on my brothers and sisters in Christ than I did right now. I had to learn to accept the blessing of others – that was part of this Christian walk.