Chapter Nineteen

The agony in Alexander’s cock was…exquisite.

It was the most beautiful, most painful pleasure he had known in his life. The feel of her lips against his neck, his hands on her bare flesh, her tentative touch against his hardened length. With a groan, he stuffed himself inside his trousers. He tasted Kitty in his mouth now as he never had before—sweet, so damn sweet—and her subtle lavender scent infused his lungs. Her thighs had trembled beneath his carnal kisses, and he wanted to take his cock and sink it into her welcoming heat.

Merciful Christ.

Alexander wanted her forever; the need was so visceral, he almost fell to his knees. She had the potential to be his heart, his soul, the happiness he had always believed he would never find. He trailed his fingers up the length of her leg and over her silken stockings. Then he explored farther, letting his hand drift up the sensitive skin of her inner thigh. Soothing her. Wanting her.

His member, which he’d thought dead, got even harder, and the muted pain in his back and left leg began to shout louder, but he ignored it.

“Why did you stop?” Her voice was tentative and roughened with burgeoning passion. Admittedly, she did not understand what it was she asked. It was the desire clouding her judgment.

Lowering his head to press his forehead against her trembling shoulder, he swallowed tightly, fighting with every iota of self-control he possessed. She did not deserve ruination. He was not a villainous seducer. So he would not slake his newly awaking lust on her body…even if she seemed so wet and wantonly willing.

How could he compromise her virtue more than he’d done already and trap her into marriage when he could never guarantee her a family or a normal life? He’d accepted the loneliness—to consign her to a similar fate was cruel indeed.

There was a chaise longue farther into the conservatory, and he would take her there. He lifted her into his arms, grunting at the fire that sliced through his back. She leaned into him as he carried her, resting her head on his shoulder. His heartbeat seemed far steadier than hers. His legs felt as if they would buckle at any moment, but he ignored the pain, hating that he would never be whole enough to experience certain joys with her. He was only thirty years of age but felt the weight of every wound and scar he’d suffered.

They reached the chaise, and he lowered himself in it, taking her into his lap. Her eyes widened as she felt the proof of his arousal. It was more than that— His cock was so painfully hard, it felt it would split through his wet trousers.

Kitty peered at him with that same expression of tender yearnings she’d had in the rowing boat. If only…

He did not want to lose her.

The unexpected thought gave Alexander an odd panic. He accepted then that she was totally wrapped around his heart, and there would be nothing left once she was gone. “I would lay the world at your feet if I could, Katherine.”

Her eyes crinkled at the corners. He loved that her eyes always smiled first. Then her lips curved, and her whole face changed, glowed, making her even more beautiful.

“I do not need the whole world. Just a little bit of you, Alexander,” she said huskily, her gaze searching his expression intently. Then she leaned in, and her lips trembled against his in a soft kiss.

This can mean nothing, he wanted to warn her. But could not bring himself to say the harsh words. She cupped his jaw tenderly, and her touch was like a soft brush of satin.

“I never knew pleasure could be so beautiful. Thank you for sharing it with me.”

The impending sense of loss drove him to lean forward and place his lips tenderly on her brow for long moments. His throat burned as he grieved for the thousand small moments they would never be able to share.

She leaned back and peered into his eyes. “What was that for?”

Her words trembled, and in her gaze, he spied fright, as if she sensed the pain of his decision cleaving through him. Farewell.

“It is time for you to return to London,” he said.

Her eyes flashed with defiance. “Alone?”

“Yes.”

Her entire body went rigid, and wounded eyes settled on him. A breath shuddered from her. “And what we just shared?”

“Do not look at me like that, Katherine. I made no promises.”

“Then make them now.”

Something broke inside him. Odd, that, for he’d genuinely believed he had nothing but emptiness inside.

She kissed the underside of his jaw. “Make them, Alexander…and I’ll make mine as well.” This was breathed with that fascinating mix of shyness and daring.

I promise I will cherish you forever. Yet he did not utter those words. He said, “Do you not wish for children…a family to dote on? To travel the world, to live life with your unique, inspiring boldness?”

The barest of tension wound through her frame. “I…”

“Honesty, Katherine. That must never be compromised between us. Now answer my question.”

She uttered a tiny spurt of laughter. “I believe many, if not all, women have such yearnings. I, too, desire to have a large family, but I do not define my hopes and dreams by it.”

Children…a boy, a girl…maybe two more or six. Alexander’s heart jerked in pure, startled joy at the visceral images of a boy and girl running through the halls chasing puppies, of Katherine laughing as she chased after the rowdy bunch. She would be just as sweet and informal as his mother had been. Even more so, for she did not seem to be the kind of woman impressed by society’s dictates.

His Katherine would be…

His mind blanked. My Katherine? No…not my Katherine…never mine.

Suddenly he felt unsteady again, the old needs roaring to the surface.

The anguish of all he had lost and would never regain broke through the hollow grave he’d buried it in so many years ago. Once that ugly loss had haunted him like a specter, cutting daily into his flesh anew with wounds that felt as if they would never heal. He wanted to roar, for he’d defeated this loss of hope, had stomped it into the earth, had triumphed, had seen some small flashes of light in the darkness. He had held on for so long, hiding in the emptiness, but now it was revealed that hard-won peace and contentment with his lot was only a mirage.

“You make me hope,” he snarled low and dangerous. “Like a goddamn idiot, you make me pray, you make my throat burn with the need to scream and beg God to give you to me, to treasure, to worship…to love until the end of my days.” He had to close his eyes to control his ragged breathing.

“Alexander….”

“I will not love you, nor will I ask you to stay,” he ground from between clenched teeth.

She had gone very pale.

“Eventually the need for more will eat at your soul, and I could never bear to see you so unhappy and unfulfilled.”

He could not allow her to own his soul, for his fragile world would fall apart.

…

Pain washed through Kitty in waves, making her breathing choppy, the fight to hold back her tears impossible. God, it was ridiculous to feel this profound sense of…hurt, and desperate, tearing loss. No promises had been made, and she had been the one to allow improbable dreams to fester deep in her heart. Yet every sigh, kiss, and illicit touch had communicated such passion and want. “Do you deny there is something between us?”

His expression closed. “Do not be silly. There cannot be, for I have nothing to give you.”

The chilling finality in his tone cut her heart in two. She rested her forehead against his and closed her heart against a buried desire. “I can live without children. Our life can be rich and incredible in so many other ways, my darling.”

He jerked as if she had punched him in the gut.

Every muscle of his body appeared rigid and locked in place. “I would never do that to you,” he said fiercely, his eyes flashing with dangerous ire and need. “I am not that damnably selfish to confine so bright a treasure as you to my lonely existence. Family means so much to you, Katherine; you placed your reputation and future at risk for them. You came here, not knowing what I would demand from you, for them. I could have been a dastardly villain who would have seen you only to ruin, ravishment, and scandal, yet you came. You are fearless and boundless, and that is how you should live your life in every way. None of what you are should be caged or contained, by you, me, or anyone else.”

Kitty’s heart skipped a beat and then another. “I would not be lonely… You would not be lonely… We…we would have each other, always.”

He reached out to brush a strand of hair from her neck. “It is more than that. I may never be able to make love properly, and certainly not with the frequency a woman of your lush passion deserves. Nor would I even be able to give you the full joys of pleasure that a man can give his woman. You are a flame, Katherine. A burning wonder whom I cannot cruelly hurt with my desires.”

“No…no, Alexander. Do not decide for me! Do not try to silence the passion in my heart for you. We will make the best of our situation, and I shall not be unhappy at all,” she vowed fiercely.

“Your naïveté is truly remarkable,” he murmured icily. “Our…engagement has ended, Katherine.”

Her lips opened and then closed soundlessly. A chill trembled through her. “How do you know we cannot be happy together?” she snapped, anger and loss tearing through her, for she could feel his conviction, see that distance growing in his eyes. “You simply decided that we cannot work, without trying. I did not think you a coward!”

“Katherine—”

“Are you afraid of living because you are terrified to face pain and loss again? Are you?”

“Do you dare?” he snarled, his eyes flashing a dangerous warning.

A chill danced over her body, removing the earlier satiety of heated arousal. “Yes! I dare because I see how you look at me, feel how you touch me. And I can also see that you are afraid of reaching for me. But I am meeting you halfway, my darling. I will come in even further if you’ll but open your arms.”

He flinched, his eyes darkening with shadows and emotions she feared she could not pierce. It scared her that even at this moment, it was as if she did not know him, that there were so many complexities to this man, it would take a lifetime for her to unravel, understand, and accept them. She feared that perhaps she was too limited in her understanding of pain and tragedy to comprehend his demons.

“And when you travel the world, exploring Italy, France, Egypt, the places and distant horizons in your hearts, will you do it with a man in a wheeled chair?”

“Yes!”

“Liar,” he snapped.

“Do you doubt the feelings that have grown down to my very soul for you?”

“They will not last.”

“Do not presume to judge the strength and honor of my character.” Her voice broke, and to her astonishment, her eyes were welling. She had stopped dreaming of children and a husband so very long ago. She had known such things were not meant for her, not when she had her mother and sisters to protect and ensure they had a bright future.

But from the night she’d danced with the duke, something unfathomable had pierced that acceptance. She had hoped again for the dream of love and family, the desire to see the world, or as much of it as she could, which had once been hers. What she hadn’t expected but wanted more than anything in the world was the wonder of the man before her. And now it felt as if her heart was being utterly devastated.

“I can make you happy,” she breathed out shakily.

“I do not doubt it,” he said hoarsely. “Because you already do, my Katherine. You already do.”

She reached between them and pressed the flat of her palm against his chest, right above his heart. She could feel its beat drumming fast and hard beneath her touch, and his chest was moving rapidly.

“Let me love you,” she whispered against the pulse fluttering madly at his throat before biting down hard.

The words fell into the space between them. She leaned back and met his stare. He looked helpless, hungry, and before he could protest, she shifted in his lap so her legs spread open over his thighs. The man looked so shocked, she almost laughed, but only a hoarse, choked sob escaped her. He inhaled sharply as she rolled against him.

“What the hell are you doing?” he demanded, gripping her hips as if he would shove her from his lap.

Nothing was clear to her at this moment. It was all an irrational cry in her heart, but with unshakable certainty, she felt that with touches and kisses and whatever it was that men and women did to make babies, she could show him all could be well. “Impudence has many wicked forms, you know,” she breathed and took his lips in an open-mouthed kiss.

Kitty poured all the feelings in her soul for him into the embrace, licking and biting on his bottom lip and then soothing the sting. She was so lost in him already. With a moan, his lips parted, the hands gripping her hips slipped around to her buttocks and grasped her. It was her turn to sigh, to shiver, and to slide her tongue against his. The hands gripping her buttocks clenched harder, tugging her close and rocking her onto the hardness beneath her.

Kitty cried into his kiss, feeling all sense of control spiraling, caught in a storm of reckless passion and desperation she could not touch or explain. She was helpless against the sweeping sensations working through her body. She allowed her fingers to coast over the sleek, powerful muscles of his chest.

There was movement. He’d lifted her, and now she was beneath him, spread wide for his ravishment. There was furious rustling as he shaped her sodden gown and petticoats to his will, pushing them to her waist. Yet they never stopped kissing. The air felt charged, throbbing with erotic sounds and scents. They broke apart, panting, and she stared into the beauty of his blue eyes.

Love, affection, respect.

“With you I do not know who I am. I feel so much for you, my Katherine, and I do not want to hide it,” he said, holding her gaze with infinite tenderness and that flaming adoration.

She saw it so clearly, and with trembling hands, she touched his lips. He reached between them, his knuckles brushing against her wet sex.

Kitty’s moan echoed in the conservatory.

And he did it again, rubbing his knuckles over the aching folds of her sex. Kitty had never dreamed any touch there could feel that wonderful. His fingers glided up to her nub and rubbed. She screamed, hips jerking at the terrible lash of ecstasy. A large bluntness pressed against her entrance, and he pushed. The pressure felt enormous and decidedly unpleasant. Her breath gasped from her at the burning sensation, then the feeling vanished.

Alexander rolled from her, falling to the cold floor of the conservatory, his expression twisted with agony. For one bleak, horrifying moment, she froze. She had never seen such pain, and the very sight of it on his beloved face nearly undid her. He gasped as another twinge of agony shot through him. Kitty pushed to her knees and knelt beside him. Fear iced through her as his body jerked and spasmed with violent force. She held him, afraid to release him, for his head would knock against the hard stone floor.

She grabbed a cushion from the chaise longue and pressed it beneath his head. But his convulsion dislodged it again. He stilled, a groan rumbling from his chest, sheens of sweat on his body.

“My back,” he groaned harshly. “Something is wrong.”

Kitty was cold and shaking with a frightened knot twisting in the pit of her stomach. “I’ll go for help,” she said, gently easing away and hurriedly fixing her wet clothes to some semblance of decency.

Then she ran from the conservatory.