Saturday morning Daniel stood next to Annie in their mother’s hospital room, watching the rise and fall of Mamm’s chest. The smells of the hospital: ammonia, disinfectant, and sometimes coffee brewing had become all too familiar.
“That person doesn’t even look like Mamm.” Annie spoke in a whisper, her bottom lip trembling.
Their father had taken to watching television in the hospital room, and at the moment he was focused on a cowboy movie. How much money did it cost to keep her alive this way? Not that it should matter, but he had the thought anyway. Everyone in their community contributed to a fund for health care, but several unplanned medical emergencies could deplete the account quickly.
Did Lena’s decision not to pursue traditional methods of treatment have anything to do with money? Maybe she was worried about drawing from the fund because of Daniel’s mother’s condition.
“Daed, have they said anything else to you about Mamm?” He didn’t think his father would be allowed to stay in the hospital room forever, but as Daniel eyed the blankets and pillows on the foldout chair and the empty bags of chips nearby, maybe he could.
His father didn’t pull his attention from the television as he shook his head.
Daniel took a deep breath. His father’s obvious loss of weight made him appear older than he actually was, and his failure to groom himself was getting worse each day. His gray-and-white-speckled beard looked like birds could be living in it, and his blue shirt was wrinkled like he’d slept in it, which he probably had.
“We’re going to get a soda.” Daniel cleared his throat. “Do you want anything?”
Their father shook his head again before Daniel led Annie out into the hallway.
“We have to do something,” Daniel said once outside the door. “He hasn’t left this room, he hasn’t held his daughter, and I’m wondering how often he is bathing.”
Annie pushed back wisps of brown hair that had fallen from her kapp. “I know. But you know how he is. He isn’t going to listen to us.” She touched Daniel’s arm. “Do you think we’re doing the wrong thing by not unplugging those machines? I used to not think so, Daniel, but now I’m wondering.” She blinked a few times. “I don’t think Mamm is going to wake up. I wish she could tell us what to do.”
Daniel rubbed his chin. “Stay here with Daed for a little while. See if you can get him to eat something other than chips. I’ll have the driver take me to run an errand, then we’ll come back to get you.”
“Where are you going?”
“To the one person who might be able to help us work our way through this.”
Andrea typed a text to Blake. You are a horrible person. A thief. And . . .
She deleted the text for the third time, Charlotte’s words ringing in her head. As much as she wanted to please her sister, she was having a hard time not calling out Blake for what he’d done. Charlotte was running errands this morning, and the temptation to blast Blake kept coming and going.
Andrea glanced at Bella. All clean, with a full tummy, and playing with the toys Charlotte had brought home for her. Then she looked at the jewelry she’d made today. Six pairs of earrings, two necklaces, and a bracelet. Charlotte had commented on all the pieces, saying what she loved about each one. Andrea had felt like crying as she swelled with joy. Someone cared about her enough to see the person she wanted to be.
She set to making more jewelry. If Charlotte really thought the pieces might make some money, then Andrea was going to work hard to save enough money to pay her back the cash Blake had stolen. Maybe she’d sell enough jewelry to buy Charlotte an oven, so she could bake her bread and cake.
Her heart warmed at the thought of doing something for her sister, which surprised and elated her. But niggling in her mind was something beneath the couch cushions that Andrea would have to take care of somehow. She hadn’t touched the five hundred dollars, but it gave her a sense of peace that it was there. Or a false sense of peace?
She glanced around the room. How much would it cost to have electricity put in the house? Too tall an order, she decided. Besides, Charlotte didn’t seem interested in having power. She was more like her Amish friends than she’d admit, and Andrea didn’t mean just living without power.
Daniel knocked on the front door of the King homestead. Amos answered the door holding Buddy.
“Wie bischt, Amos.” Daniel shook the older man’s hand. “I was wondering if I could visit with Lena.”
“Is it an urgent matter?” Amos set Buddy on the floor but didn’t invite Daniel in.
“Um . . .” To Daniel it was urgent, but he wasn’t sure how to answer. “If she’s not well, I can come back another time.”
Amos nodded. “Maybe another time—”
“Step aside, Amos, and let the man in.” Lena came around the corner in a wheelchair, which Daniel wasn’t expecting. “I’m perfectly capable of having visitors, even in this mobile chair.” She smiled. “Come on in here.” She motioned with her hand, and Amos stepped aside so Daniel could go inside.
“Let’s sit in the kitchen. I’ve got bread cooling on the rack and hot coffee that’s freshly percolated.” Lena rolled herself toward the kitchen, and Daniel followed behind her, unsure if he should offer to push her or not.
“I’ll be reading in the bedroom.” Amos gave a quick wave before he headed off in the opposite direction with Buddy.
“Sit, sit.” Lena motioned toward the table, then she stood and pulled two cups from the cupboard and filled them with coffee. Daniel took both cups of coffee, set them on the table, then sat down. Lena settled back into her wheelchair and joined him at the table. “I get tired easily. We had this mobile chair delivered yesterday, but I don’t use it all the time.” She pointed at the wheel of the chair, then she sighed, smiling again. Lena smiled a lot. Even now. “So, how is your mudder?”
Daniel took off his hat, got up, and hung it on the hook by the kitchen door. “Sorry. I forgot about mei hat.” He cleared his throat. “Mamm is the same.”
“I’m sorry, sohn. We pray for her daily, for God to take her home or for Him to open her eyes.”
“I pray for that too.” He scratched the side of his face, wishing he’d thought out what he was going to say.
Lena took a sip of her coffee and set her cup on the table. “Daniel, I’ve known you since you were born. But I can’t think of one time that you’ve come calling just to chat. So, child, what is on your mind?”
He took a deep breath and blew it out slowly, but the words weren’t coming.
“Let me see if I can help you with this.” Lena tapped a finger to her chin. “I imagine that by now the hospital is putting a little pressure on your family, hoping you’ll soon make a decision about your mother’s condition. I saw other families dealing with such a situation while I was at the hospital in Houston having chemotherapy. Once a person was no longer considered curable, they were ready to make the bed available to someone who was. And now you’re here, wondering what I would do if I were in your mother’s situation. Am I right?”
“Charlotte told me about the paper you asked her to sign. I hope that’s okay.” Daniel hoped he wasn’t betraying a confidence, but he was desperate to understand Lena’s mind-set.
She nodded. “It’s a personal decision, Daniel.”
“That’s what everyone keeps saying, but the one person who can and should make that choice isn’t able to.” He paused, diverting his eyes from hers. “Daed is opposed to taking Mamm off the machines. Annie and I were, too, in the beginning. But now we are watching both of our parents turning into people we don’t recognize.” Daniel fought the twitch in his jaw. “Daed hasn’t even held baby Grace.”
“Ach, sweet boy. I see the pain in your eyes, and I feel it in your heart.” Lena reached over and put her hand on his. “But I can’t make this decision for you.”
“I know.” He scratched the side of his face again. Lena removed her hand when he made the movement. “But I want you to tell me what you would do if you were in my mother’s situation.”
“You are trying to trick me into making a choice for you.” Lena winked at him. “But I’ll bite.” She stared at him long and hard, the way a mother does with a child, and Daniel could almost feel his mother in the room with them. “I don’t want to be kept alive by machines. And I’ve given strict instructions related to that. I don’t feel it’s a decision that Amos could make. He’d keep me alive forever, even if”—she paused and took a deep breath—“even if . . . I was already gone.”
“I went to the library. I did the research. People in a coma can wake up weeks, months, or even years later. Aren’t we killing her by taking the machines away, depriving her of any opportunity to live out her years, to see her new baby daughter?” Daniel swiped at one of his eyes, fearful of the emotion that was building, not wanting to cry in front of Lena. “I don’t know if we are interfering with God’s will by keeping her alive with all this technology. Maybe God wants us to let her go home. I didn’t expect this to go on so long.”
“All I can do is to answer your question honestly, about my own wishes. But I’m not saying that is what Eve would want. Only your family can make the decision.” Lena’s eyes watered up when a tear slipped down Daniel’s cheek.
“I’m sorry,” he said in a whisper as he brushed it away.
“Don’t be. God’s will is being done at this very moment, just by you being here. And He will continue to walk beside you until you are sure about what to do.”
“Even if Annie and I were able to come to terms with disabling the machines, our father would never do that.” Daniel shook his head. “He won’t even leave the hospital.”
Lena took another sip of coffee. “We love our children in a way that we’d give our lives for them, unconditionally. But we know they will eventually go off to live their own lives.” She smiled. “But a marriage is for life, and when one spouse goes home before the other, I suspect that person thinks he will never be whole again. So I understand your father’s way of thinking. And my husband’s way of thinking. But I’m ready to go home when the Lord calls me, and I don’t want any such technology keeping me away from the kingdom and my Father.”
Daniel stared at Lena, his mouth opening a little. The woman was practically glowing when she talked about going home.
“Continue to pray about it, Daniel. The answer will come on God’s time frame. Not ours.”
He knew she was right, but his heart was in his throat, and he had no words.
“Would you like for us to pray together now?” Lena’s soft, comforting voice caused his eyes to well up again, and he nodded.
Charlotte parked Big Red, then shuffled through the grass in her front yard, one hand over her stomach. She wasn’t sure if it was the Chinese food she’d treated herself to while running errands or a bug, but she hoped the nausea subsided soon.
“You’re early,” Andrea said from the couch. Beads, hooks, pliers, and other jewelry-making paraphernalia were scattered all over the coffee table, but the house still had a lemony scent, and Bella was happily stacking blocks in the corner.
“My stomach is acting up.” She sat beside her sister, longing to scoop Bella into her arms but not wanting to get the baby sick if Charlotte had a bug. “Wow, Andrea, you’ve made some beautiful pieces.”
Andrea’s face lit up. “I’m sorry you’re sick, but I’m bursting at the seams to tell you something!”
Charlotte fought the urge to hurl, taking in a deep breath. “Yeah, what’s that?” She forced a smile, not wanting to deflate her sister’s excitement.
“Remember how you said I might be able to sell some of my jewelry?”
Charlotte nodded.
“I contacted some local boutiques and sent pictures on my phone. Two of them are willing to take some bracelets and earrings on consignment.” Andrea almost squealed at the end. “I might make some money doing this, and I love it.”
“That is great, Andrea.”
Her sister’s expression fell. “Do you want me to make you some soup or something? You look awful.”
Charlotte half smiled. “Gee. Thanks.” She shook her head. “I appreciate the offer, but I think I just want to lie down.”
“Okay.” Andrea picked up the pliers and two small green beads. “Maybe if you feel better, we can take some of my jewelry to those shops.” She shrugged, smiling. “But if not, that’s okay too.”
Charlotte was proud of the efforts Andrea was making, but she also suspected her sister had a touch of cabin fever. “Do you know how to drive a stick shift?”
“Yeah. I learned how to drive in a little Toyota pickup, and it was a standard.”
Charlotte reached into her purse and pulled out the keys. “It’s a beautiful afternoon if you want to take a drive and deliver some of your jewelry. You could leave Bella here, but I’m not sure that’s a good idea. I don’t want to get her sick.”
Andrea’s eyes widened. “You’d let me drive your truck?”
Despite her queasy tummy, Charlotte laughed. “It’s not exactly a Cadillac. And Dianda from work gave me a car seat the other day. Her kids have outgrown it. It’s in the truck.” She paused, recalling their recent episode. “You won’t go far, right?”
Andrea shook her head. “No. And thank you so much. I bet Bella’d like to get out for a while too. Maybe we’ll stop at the park or something.”
Charlotte tossed her the keys. “Just be careful.”
Andrea ran to Bella and picked her up, scooping up her Hello Kitty purse too. “Want to go see if we can sell some of Momma’s jewelry?”
Seeing Andrea so happy and excited warmed Charlotte’s heart, but her stomach wasn’t in compliance with the rest of her. She wanted to lie down.
“The gears are tricky so don’t worry if you kill it once or twice. Just go slow,” she said as Andrea loaded up the diaper bag. “And there’s a new package of diapers in the laundry room. They were on sale at Walmart, so I grabbed some.”
“Thank you.” Andrea slung the bag up on her shoulder, then switched Bella to her other hip before she started toward the door.
“Wait.” Charlotte snatched up the pack of cigarettes and lighter her sister kept on the mantel, then started toward Andrea. “You forgot these.” She hated that Andrea smoked, but at least her sister had never bickered about smoking outside.
“Oh.” Andrea smiled. “I haven’t had one in three days. Maybe just leave them there a few more days, just to be sure I don’t, um . . . relapse.”
“Deal.” Charlotte smiled back at her and waited on the porch until Andrea had Big Red out of the driveway, wishing she wasn’t feeling so badly so she could have kept Bella. But after a dose of Pepto-Bismol, Charlotte found her way to bed, curled up with a hand across her stomach, and hoped the sick feeling would go away soon.
And she said a quick prayer that Andrea and Bella would be safe. Charlotte felt like she was raising two children, but maybe giving Andrea some freedoms would help her to feel good about herself. Charlotte had certainly had lots of help from her Amish friends, and she was happy to pay it forward.
Annie sat in a chair next to her mother’s bed reading the Die Botschaft she’d brought from home, while her father watched another cowboys and Indians movie on television. Glancing at the clock on the wall, she hoped Daniel would be back soon. Annie missed baby Grace when she was away from her for too long. Aunt Faye was capable and good with Grace, but Annie was the one who felt like she’d bonded with the baby the most.
“Daed.” Annie waited for her father to turn her way, and he scowled a bit, as if interrupting his television show irritated him. “Maybe I should bring Grace to the hospital for you to hold her.” She’d asked him before, but she hadn’t given up hope.
“Nee, a hospital is no place for a boppli.” He turned his attention back to the television.
Annie closed the newspaper and folded her hands atop it. “Why don’t you let me stay here with Mamm while you go home and get cleaned up? Aenti Faye will try to feed you, but Daniel and I keep back-up food in the basement too.” Annie had brought pickled oysters like her father had requested, but after no one ate them, one of the nurses asked if she could remove them. Her father had reluctantly agreed.
“I do just fine using the bathroom here to bathe.” Daed ran his fingers through his beard, and Annie wondered if that was to ensure nothing was living in it.
She crossed one leg over the other, kicking it into motion, but after a few seconds, she crossed the other leg and kicked even harder. Then she slammed both feet to the ground. She was close to telling her father how she felt, but a sideways scowl from him quieted her.
Annie had never been one to back talk. Her parents wouldn’t have allowed it. And as much as she wanted to yell and scream at her father, she still respected him too much to do so. She tried to imagine what it would be like to be married to a person for as long as her parents had been married, over thirty years. It seemed like a lifetime to Annie.
She loved Jacob, and he’d repeatedly said how much he loved her and wanted a life together. But Jacob’s passionate kisses and roaming hands had made her question exactly which part of Annie he loved the most. Can I trust him not to leave me again?
She picked up the newspaper, even though she couldn’t focus on the happenings in other districts, which she usually loved to read. Where are you, Daniel?
Another twenty minutes went by, along with more shooting on the television, before the hospital door swung open. Aunt Faye burst into the room like an angered bull, her mouth scrolled into a frown, red lipstick badly applied, and strands of gray hair falling from a bun on the top of her head. As usual, she smelled a bit like mothballs and oysters, but a floral fragrance also comingled with the scent that made Annie’s stomach churn.
“Faye, what are you doing here?” Daed turned the television off and stood.
Annie stood too. “And where’s Gracie?” She brought a hand to her chest.
Faye slammed her hands to her hips. “Grace is fine. She’s with Daniel at home. And I’ve got a driver waiting to take you and your father home. I’m taking the next shift here at the hospital.”
Annie held her breath. To her knowledge their father hadn’t gone any farther than the vending machine downstairs in weeks.
“Woman, are you out of your mind? Eve is mei fraa, and you will not come in here and dictate to me what I will or will not do.” Daed’s face was beet red as a muscle flicked in his jaw.
Aunt Faye turned to Annie, smiled sweetly, and blinked. “Hon, you go on out in the hall now. Your father will join you in a minute.”
Annie’s feet were rooted to the floor as Daed clenched his fists at his sides.
“Go along with you, now.” Aunt Faye swooshed her arms at Annie like she was herding deer out of a garden.
“Annie, take your aunt home!” Daed walked to the side of the hospital bed and laid a hand on Annie’s mother. “Both of you. Leave us be.”
Aunt Faye inched closer to the other side of the bed, opposite Annie’s father, and she also laid a hand on Mamm.
“Leave, Annie. Wait in the hallway.” Aunt Faye didn’t turn around when she spoke, and Annie was sure she’d never heard her great-aunt speak with such a growling authority.
Annie forced herself to step outside.
“Close the door, dear,” Aunt Faye said, still not turning around.
Annie did as she was told. Her aunt was quirky, everyone knew that, but she was also almost always cheerful, even when she was trying to be stern. Rarely were her feathers ruffled. Annie stood perfectly still, recalling the time Aunt Faye chased Daniel with a baseball bat. But she could also remember her father chasing Daniel with a large switch after he’d taken on a green-broke horse that he wasn’t supposed to ride.
She thought about a movie she’d seen with Jacob a long time ago, the only one she’d ever seen during her rumschpringe. At the end of the show, the main character had said, “Only one of us is going to come out alive.” That movie line was echoing in her mind.