Charlotte rode with Hannah and Isaac to Eve’s funeral the next morning. A cold front had blown in overnight and dropped the temperatures to almost freezing. Isaac had a portable heater in his buggy, and, thankfully, most buggies had windshields. Charlotte’s teeth still chattered as they made their way to the cemetery amid a long line of buggies.
The procession to the cemetery followed a ceremony held at the Byler’s home. Charlotte had been to Amish funerals before, so she wasn’t surprised that no one eulogized Eve, and there weren’t any flowers or music. The service had focused on the world yet to come, and the bishop also referenced the story of creation several times. Like the funerals outside of the Amish community, it was a somber occasion with almost everyone dressed in black clothing.
“I’m sorry your parents weren’t able to come today.” Charlotte leaned over the seat in front of her so Hannah could hear her, and also so she could warm her face closer to the battery-operated heater.
“Mamm has her gut days and her bad days.” Hannah looked over her shoulder at Charlotte. “Today isn’t a gut day, and Daed felt like he needed to be home with her. They were both sorry to miss Eve’s service, but they were glad they were able to visit the family in their home yesterday.”
Charlotte nodded and snuggled into her coat as she leaned back against the seat. Hannah’s heart was heavy about her mother. Charlotte could hear the pain in her voice. When the time came, Charlotte had to be strong for Hannah and her family; Lena would want that. But that didn’t mean she would quit praying for Lena’s complete healing.
She wanted to be someone Daniel could lean on today, but the distance between them had never seemed greater than yesterday during the viewing. He’d used a formality with her that was unfamiliar and avoided being around her for any length of time.
Eve’s death had seemed to draw Jacob and Annie closer. Jacob had stayed by Annie’s side, both of them tending to Grace, and Annie smiled often despite the circumstances. Maybe Annie just coped differently than her brother. Or maybe Daniel had changed his mind about wanting to be with Charlotte. But was it fair to judge any relationship at a time when grief was immeasurable?
She chose to put her swirling thoughts to rest for today. She was going to pay her respects to Eve and support the family as best she could. As they rounded the corner to the Amish cemetery, Charlotte glimpsed the hearse, a boxlike enclosed carriage, leading the procession. Daniel’s family would be following right behind it, and if the long line of buggies were traveling for an event other than a funeral, it would be a majestic sight. There was a thunderous clip-clop that sounded like an army of soldiers, the smell of manure wafting in the breeze. Charlotte estimated over a hundred buggies traveling to Eve’s final resting place.
Daniel drove his buggy and carted Jacob and Annie with him, along with Gracie. They followed his father, whose only passenger was Aunt Faye. Daniel didn’t think he’d ever know what Aunt Faye had said to Daed that day to get him to leave the hospital, but she continued to be the only person he listened to.
Annie cried softly in the backseat, where she had the baby wrapped up like an Eskimo. Jacob sat in the front seat with Daniel.
“Why didn’t you ask Charlotte to ride with us?” Jacob rubbed his gloved hands together as he blew out puffs of cold air.
Daniel turned up the small heater and shrugged. “She’s not family.”
“Neither am I.” Jacob raised an eyebrow beneath freshly cut bangs.
“Well, you probably will be soon enough.” Daniel twisted his mouth into a grin that probably looked sour, but Annie and Jacob had gone back and forth so many times before, who knew what would ultimately happen?
“What about you and Charlotte?” Jacob turned to face him. “She’s getting baptized the same day I am.”
Daniel stiffened as he accidently pulled back on the reins, causing the horse to buck up on his hind legs for a couple of seconds. “Whoa, fellow.”
“I didn’t know Charlotte was getting baptized, especially not so soon.” Annie sniffled, then cleared her throat. “I’m guessing Daniel didn’t know either.”
“Nee, I didn’t.” Why hadn’t Charlotte told him? Then again, he hadn’t given her much opportunity.
“What is going on with you and Charlotte, Daniel?” Annie’s voice had a demanding tone, and he wasn’t in the mood to answer to his little sister. But he reined in his anger. Annie was hurting just as much as he was.
“I don’t know.” He made the statement strong and firm, hoping to end the discussion, which wasn’t always possible with Annie, but his sister stayed quiet.
Annie held Gracie close to her chest with her coat wrapped around the baby. She’d considered hiring a friend, an Englisch girl she knew, to keep Grace today since it had turned cooler, but someday when her baby sister was older, Annie would be able to tell her that she attended the funeral of the most wonderful woman who ever lived. The ceremony at the cemetery wouldn’t last long. Although this day would be etched into Annie’s mind forever. How was her family ever going to feel normal again?
Her father remained quiet and detached, but somewhere along the line Daniel joined him in a grief that seemed specific to the two of them. Annie’s heart was breaking, but she didn’t feel the need to abandon those she loved. And she was grateful to Jacob more than ever for being emotionally supportive and attentive to her and Gracie.
It angered her that her father and brother felt that it was acceptable to just check out. Life would go on, and it would be painful for all of them, but Annie wanted her mother to look down from heaven and see that her family was intact and handling their grief in a way that God would approve of.
As the buggies parked in a long line side by side, drivers hurried to tether their horses on the hitching posts, and tearful attendants shivered as they made their way to a grave already dug and waiting. Annie kept Grace close to her as Jacob kept an arm around her, guiding her to the area. Charlotte stood with Hannah and Isaac. Hannah’s chin trembled as she fought not to cry, but Charlotte was sobbing.
Annie wanted to go to Charlotte, but her place was with her family right now, so she followed Daniel, her father, and Aunt Faye to the gravesite. Daed sobbed openly, which only made Annie cry even more. She’d never seen him in such pain, and it was a hurt that seemed to latch on to him in a way that Annie feared he would never be the same. Her people were taught that this was a somber time, but it was also to be cherished as a loved one finally went home. She glanced toward Charlotte again, happy to see that Hannah had her arm around her.
Charlotte feared death. And the fact that it scared her bothered her even more. If she was as strong in her faith as she thought, then why the apprehension? It was a question that had bounced around in her mind recently, adding to her confusion about baptism.
She glanced around at the people present to say a final good-bye to Eve. They were her friends, and—she squeezed Hannah’s hand—if she left the community, she would be heartbroken. But it was more than that. This was where she’d found her faith and accepted God into her life. She couldn’t imagine being anywhere else, but in her vision of life here, Daniel had been in that picture. Now she wasn’t sure.
Bishop Miller read a hymn. Charlotte already knew there wouldn’t be any singing. And after a few words were said, everyone bowed their heads to say the Lord’s Prayer silently.
She looked up and caught Daniel staring at her, but he quickly looked away. What is going on with him? She wasn’t going to judge or speculate at a time when his grief was so intense, but it didn’t stop her heart from hurting, and she missed his nurturing ways. Maybe she’d relied on him too heavily in the past. Did he want her to be more independent? Why now?
As the service came to a close, no one lingered around the gravesite. The pallbearers would stay until the casket was lowered, and then they would fill the grave.
Charlotte felt a hand on her arm, and she turned to see Annie with the baby. “I’m so sorry, Annie.” She hugged her friend, then snuck a peek at Grace, who was mostly wrapped inside Annie’s coat. “She’s just beautiful.”
“Danki. She’s such a gut baby. She only cries if she’s hungry, wet, or tired.” Annie smiled. “I love her so much. Mamm would have loved her too.” Her eyes began to water, but she sniffled and regained composure. “Charlotte, I don’t know what’s wrong with my bruder. He seems to have slipped into a dark place and is acting like my daed. But please don’t give up on him. He might just need some time.”
Charlotte dabbed at her eyes. “I don’t know if I made him mad, but he won’t really talk to me.”
“I know. And I don’t understand him. But none of us are in our right minds now.” She looked toward her left at the line of people making their way back to the buggies. “I should go.”
Charlotte took a deep breath. “Can you tell Daniel that I love him?”
Annie smiled, nodding. “Ya, I will.” She leaned in for a hug, then Charlotte found Hannah and Isaac.
As they walked back to Isaac’s buggy, Charlotte searched for Daniel. When she finally found him, he had his head down and was walking fast.
He didn’t even speak to me.
Andrea played patty-cake with Bella for what seemed like the hundredth time that day. But once her daughter had learned how to play the game, she couldn’t seem to get enough of it, and Andrea loved to hear her giggle when they slapped hands and Andrea sang.
“Your aunt Charlotte is home.” Andrea set Bella on the floor and went to the door. Charlotte staggered up the stairs like she was drunk. Andrea doubted that was the case, but she opened the door and waited.
Charlotte’s eyes were red and swollen. Of course. She’d been at a funeral. But something else was wrong. Her sister was crying in a weird way, like an injured animal, sobbing like she was defeated and slumped over as she held the handrail and pulled herself onto the porch. When she looked at Andrea, she stood perfectly still except her shoulders moved up and down as she cried, tears streaming down her red face as she blew out bursts of cold air.
“Charlotte?”
She didn’t move, so Andrea walked closer. She put an arm around her. “Let’s get in the house where it’s warm. I kept the fire going and I’ll get you some hot tea or make some coffee.”
Andrea got her inside the house and helped her out of her coat. Charlotte usually beelined for Bella, but she just shuffled to her bedroom and closed the door. Bella looked at Andrea, then at the closed bedroom door. Even Bella seemed confused as she twirled a sliver of blonde hair in her fingers. Andrea laid with Bella on the couch for a nap. Then she tapped on Charlotte’s door. When she didn’t answer, Andrea opened the door.
Her sister was curled in a ball and lying perfectly still on her side. Her eyebrows were drawn in, her lips in a frown, as if she couldn’t rid herself of the pain even while sleeping. Charlotte had said she wasn’t particularly close to Eve, so Andrea assumed there was more to her sister’s emotional state than just the funeral. Most likely it was the distance Charlotte mentioned between her and Daniel.
Bella would sleep for at least an hour. Andrea eased onto the bed, curled up beside her sister, and draped her arm across her. “I love you.”
Charlotte’s hand moved, and she reached up and touched Andrea’s arm. “I love you too,” she said in a whisper.
Andrea lay there with her until Charlotte was lightly snoring.
Thursday morning Annie was cleaning the breakfast dishes when she heard racket coming from the living room. Drying her hands on her apron, she walked that way. Aunt Faye had packed her suitcases and had them at the bottom of the stairs.
“You’re leaving?” Annie’s voice probably sounded as panicked as she felt. Her father and Daniel did nothing but lounge around like lizards on a rock, neither of them making much effort to do much of anything since the funeral. Aunt Faye was the only one who kept the tiniest sense of normality alive. Annie shook her head, blinking. Who would have ever thought that Aunt Faye would represent normal in any sense of the word?
“Yep. I’ve been called away.” Aunt Faye straightened her stance as she raised her chin. “Your cousin Mae needs my help.” She tapped a finger to her chin as she clicked her tongue against the roof of her mouth. “Actually, she’s not your cousin. Well, maybe twice removed. Either way, Mae broke her leg, and she has four young children she needs help with. So I’m leaving.” She rolled her eyes. “Just call me Mary Poppins!”
Was there really another relative? It didn’t matter. “It’s almost Christmas. And . . . and what about Gracie?” And what about the lounging lizards who have gone back to bed after breakfast? Christmas was going to be hard enough without Mamm. Would Annie prepare a Christmas meal? What would she do about her father and Daniel?
Aunt Faye had a bright red scarf draped over her arm. She put it around her neck, then walked to the rack by the front door and retrieved her coat. After slipping it on, she walked back to Annie and touched her on the arm. “You are going to be just fine. I was willing to stay on when we thought this was a temporary situation.” She blinked teary eyes a few times. “But now you must adjust to a new situation and work toward making things feel normal again.”
“It’s never going to be normal again.” Annie hung her head, but Aunt Faye cupped her chin, forcing Annie’s gaze to hers.
“It might not seem like it now, but life will go on, and there will be a new normal for all of you. Your mamm would want that.”
Annie folded her arms across her chest. “What about Daed—and Daniel? Mei bruder seems to have fallen into his own dark hole.”
Aunt Faye sighed. “For two strong and capable men, they have withered into puny little slugs. People grieve, and they have a right to do so.” Aunt Faye started buttoning up her coat. “But they cannot do so in a way that affects the livelihood of others, especially you and Gracie.” She pointed an index finger at Annie. “So it is up to you to make them behave.”
Annie’s eyes widened. “Are we talking about the same Lucas Byler? Because I doubt I can force mei daed to do much of anything. And Daniel has always bossed me around, so I’m doubtful my older bruder will listen much to me either.”
“Annie, child . . .” Aunt Faye smiled. “I’ve watched you over the past weeks, the way you have nurtured Gracie, the way you’ve stayed calm and levelheaded, and the way you have made calculated decisions about you and Jacob. You aren’t the love-struck teenager you used to be. You have matured into a beautiful young woman.” She kissed Annie on the cheek, followed by a hug. “Keep God close at hand always.”
Her aunt pointed upstairs. “I’ve already said my good-byes to Gracie before she lay down for her nap. Daniel was sleeping just now, so I let him be.” She pointed toward the kitchen. “There are pickled oysters in the refrigerator. I regret not having shared my recipe with you before I leave, but that’s the way it goes.”
She turned toward the front door, carrying two suitcases. Annie followed her to the door.
“Your father knows I’m leaving today, but since he is sleeping, I’ll let him be as well.”
“This is awful,” Annie blurted out as she shook her head.
Aunt Faye smiled. “Only if you allow it to be.” She stomped a foot. “Take control of these men, Annie Byler!”
Annie put on her coat, then picked up the third suitcase and followed her aunt to the car. After the bags were loaded, Aunt Faye gave her a final hug. “You will be fine, dear.” She spun on her heel and waved over her shoulder. “I am in high demand, and I can’t be everywhere at once.”
Annie didn’t move as her aunt started up the old station wagon and pulled out of the driveway. She recalled her aunt’s response to Annie when she said this was awful.
“Only if you allow it to be.”