If Shakespeare’s right and the Course of True Love is rougher than a trail up Mount Everest, then the feelings Elvin and I are going to experience (if we ever have ten minutes alone) will be the Truest Love that’s ever existed. I am THWARTED at every turn. First of all, the MC did another one of her vanishing acts this morning without so much as a word to ANYONE. God knows where she goes, but it definitely isn’t Sainsbury’s since she’s out ALL DAY and doesn’t have any food with her when she gets back. It was just as well I shopped for lunch yesterday. This time I bought pasta, pasta sauce with a big green V on it, and a bag of salad at the health food store, so I felt pretty calm about that at least. Willow took Nan out, and Sigmund, as per usual, was working his fingers to the bone to pay my bills, so I was feeling V POSITIVE. But then Justin Bandry, the boy who thinks home is where you sleep, wouldn’t leave the flat today no matter how much I begged him. I was rushing round, trying to get ready for Elvin, and Justin even made me check to see if Bumshiva was “lying in wait” for him out front. (Melodramatic or what? Men really are the most incredible prima donnas!!!) She was. Justin said that in that case he wasn’t going anywhere unless there was a fire. (How TEMPTING is that? If I wasn’t afraid it might spread to mine, I’d torch his room!) I said I didn’t see why he couldn’t go through the garden, which is what he’s been doing for DAYS, and he said the man at the back booby-trapped his border so he can’t land in it any more. I told him that in that case he’d better stay in his room or I’d invite Bethsheba in for lunch. I reckoned that would keep Geek Boy out of the way. Which was just as well because the doorbell rang and it was Elvin. The first thing Elvin said when I opened the door was had my hair always been this colour? I said trust a film-maker to be so observant. He obviously thought this was another example of my great sense of humour, so I laughed too. He wanted to know if Justin had gone over the garden wall again and I said no, he was in his room, but he was excruciatingly busy. Everything was V COSY after that. I got lunch ready while Elvin fixed my bike, just as if we were a real couple. When he was done he came into the kitchen, all triumphant. I said that was brilliant, cos now we could finish that bike ride, and he said sure but not today. Elvin read the label on the salad dressing while I drained the pasta. He couldn’t eat that either, because it had anchovies in it. I was already thinking about how I was going to describe the afternoon to Disha, when Justin appeared, nose twitching (he’s got the sense of smell of a police dog). I gave him every signal I could to make him go away (eyes, hands, eyebrows, mental telepathy – the lot), but except to ask when lunch was going to be ready he TOTALLY ignored me. I said should I be putting out four plates, and he gave me this big cheesy grin and said not to worry because Bumshiva had left. Elvin wanted to know who Bumshiva was. Justin started explaining that she was in a couple of his classes and had this fixation on him (ego or what?!!), and to my surprise Elvin not only didn’t laugh at this piece of fantasy but acted all sympathetic. I was tempted to tell Justin what I’d like to do with his lunch, but I didn’t want Elvin to see my harsher side just yet. Not until we’ve at least had our first kiss. So I put out three plates. And guess what? Disha was right about Elvin going to that exhibition last weekend, because that’s all they talked about while they shovelled my lunch into their gobs. As soon as they’d finished eating, Justin asked Elvin if he wanted to see what he was working on in his darkroom. As sweetly and meaningfully as possible, I told Justin that Elvin had come over to fix my bike, not look at his pictures. And what did Elvin say? Elvin said he’d already fixed the bike and he’d LOVE to see Justin’s pictures. (If Justin shows Elvin even ONE of me – even if I look a stone lighter than I really am and am MIND-BOGGINGLY GORGEOUS in it – I swear I’m going to destroy his bloody darkroom.) I know Elvin was only being polite. He probably thinks he has to be nice to my brother even though he’s the biggest pain in the arse that ever lived, but I was so ENRAGED I had to force myself to remain pleasant. As soon as I heard Justin’s door close, I raced outside to see if maybe Bethsheba had come back, but (NATURALLY!!!) she hadn’t. Just wait till the next time she calls round. We’ll see who lies for Geek Boy then. Rang Marcus, but he’d gone out, so I’m going over to Disha’s. I don’t trust myself to be alone with my brother.