This really is going to be a year of incredible maturity. I had my first BRUSH WITH THE LAW today! Willow gave me ten quid to take Jupiter (son of Willow) and Mars (dog of Willow) to the park for a couple of hours so she could have her hair and nails done for the New Year. (Willow may be a hippy but she’s pretty desperate for a boyfriend, so she cares about her appearance.) You can see why I call Willow the Dippy Hippy. Can you imagine naming someone you’re meant to love Jupiter? I mean, if you want to RUIN someone’s life! And also I think it’s affected him v badly. Jupiter’s only six, but he’s already a sex pervert. He’s always trying to rub against you or grope your breasts. It’s so disgusting. I’ve learned never to sit down when he’s in the room (once I actually went home with a chocolate handprint on my left breast). Anyway, Mars found this stick that was almost as big as he is and insisted on dragging it home. We weren’t in the flat five minutes when a copper turned up at the door, threatening to arrest me for removing public property from the park! Is this what we pay taxes for? Fortunately Willow came home before me, Mars and Jupiter were actually taken away in handcuffs. She’s a lot like Sappho in some ways. Authority figures don’t intimidate her. She told the policeman he should be out hunting criminals, not harassing innocent dogs and children. Then she threatened to report him and he said he could report her for child neglect for leaving Jupiter with someone as irresponsible as ME!!! So then Willow threatened to go to the media with the story.
My family have the aesthetics of wildebeests – which probably isn’t v fair to wildebeests. Not one of them appreciates the new decor of my room. The Mad Cow said it reminded her of a whorehouse. I asked her if she was saying this from previous experience, or if she was just basing it on her wide knowledge of whorehouses in general, and she told me I wasn’t half as funny as I thought I was (how original is that?!!). Nan said that she would never have been allowed to get away with painting her room like that When She Was a Girl. I said I was surprised she could remember that far back.