Had a v good time at Disha’s as per usual. Her parents aren’t as obtrusive as some. We were going to have an Exploring Other Dimensions Night, but I left the book on witchcraft at home and Disha couldn’t find the tarot cards I gave her for Christmas (you’ve got to be given them; you can’t buy them for yourself), so we decided to have an Intellectual Night instead. We were going to get out this brilliant Japanese film Ms Staples told us about, but Blockbuster didn’t have it. We were going to listen to intelligent music and read poetry instead, but we couldn’t find the jazz station. All was FRUSTRATION AND DOOM until Disha remembered that Mrs Foster next door (who is civilized and has cable) lent her a copy of Clueless last year that we never watched. Ms Staples says Clueless is based on a Jane Austen novel, so we reckoned that was just as good as something in Japanese. We finally found it under some stuff on the floor of Disha’s wardrobe. But then frustration and doom turned to AMAZEMENT AND SHOCK! Someone who was probably Mr Foster taped over Clueless with an ADULT MOVIE. We’re not naïve – we’ve seen the magazines on the top shelf in the newsagent’s and stuff like that, of course – but both Disha and I come from homes where pornography is frowned upon. Even Sigmund and the MC, who are major believers in free speech, say it’s demeaning to women. Sappho said if she ever found Justin with porn she’d make him eat it, and not even Justin would think that was an idle threat. As for the Paskis, they were both arrested for disorderly conduct when someone tried to open a sex shop in their old neighbourhood. (Mrs P whacked the store owner over the head with a sign that said CHILDREN LIVE HERE.) We didn’t watch much (you don’t have to watch much to get the idea, and after that it’s sort of boring). Disha says now she’ll never be able to see the Fosters (esp. Mr Foster) without feeling embarrassed. We talked a bit about the boys we know and whether or not they’re into porn, which is a bit weird and creepy to think about. Then Disha said could I imagine either of our mothers straddling a chair in black lace suspenders with tassles hanging from her nipples and her tongue out like that and we practically died laughing.
When I got back to Bleak House this afternoon, the Mad Cow was lying in wait (and not in suspenders and tassles, believe me. She might be into S&M though. I have no trouble picturing her with a whip). I barely got the door shut before she started in. “What did I tell you…? What did you promise…? I thought you were going to clean up that pigsty before you went out last night?” Same old same old. Then she literally dragged me over to the sink so I could see all the plates and stuff she’d found under my bed. AND she actually made me count them: six glasses, seven mugs, two plates, nine spoons, three bowls and Great-Grandmother Rose’s WILLOW PLATE!!! (Am I INSANE? How could I treat a family heirloom like that?) I told her to chill out. “A woman your age shouldn’t get so excited,” I told her. “You’ll give yourself a stroke.” For a minute there I thought she was going to forget about her commitment to non-violent parenting and give me a stroke, but instead she asked me to let her know when my planet was ready to receive transmissions from Earth so she wasn’t just wasting her breath all the time. And then she told me to GO AND TIDY my room, and not to come down till it was done. I may spend the rest of my life up here. (At least I would if I had a phone!)