The devil Nan’s always going on about woke up this morning in a really shitty mood and decided to give me a small taste of what hell is like. First of all, I meant to get up early because I had a lot to do before Elvin arrived to fix my bike. I wanted to run through my yoga (so if he asked me what I’d been doing I could say my yoga). I wanted to take a shower with the shower gel Sappho also gave the Mad Cow for the winter solstice (so if he noticed how good I smelled I could tell him I smelled politically correct). And I reckoned it might be a good idea if I didn’t greet him in my pyjamas, so I needed to dress. And also get everything ready for lunch. But I must’ve slept through the alarm, because I didn’t wake up till nearly ten. It took me an hour just to find something to wear, so I had to skip the yoga. Then when I opened the fridge I discovered that the Mad Cow hadn’t done a proper shop yet. There was nothing to eat unless you liked bendy carrots and mustard a lot. So then I had to change into something I didn’t mind sweating in and run to the shop. I bought cheese, bread, tomatoes and a large bag of crisps. Toasted cheese sandwiches are my speciality. That and peanut butter. As soon as I got home I changed again. I was still looking for the sandwich toaster (microwaved just isn’t the same in my opinion) when the doorbell rang. Elvin! Electricity shot through me. I had a big smile on my face and was already saying hello when I answered the door. The smile vanished. It wasn’t Elvin. It was Bethsheba. I was a bit taken aback. She wasn’t at all what I was expecting. I was expecting someone rather pathetic who probably lives under a rock, but she was trendier looking than even Catriona Hendley. And v attractive in an emaciated art student sort of way. She wanted to know if Justin was in. I was too stressed to deal with her, and also if Justin was in his room I didn’t want him coming out while Elvin was here, so I said no. She wanted to know if I was sure. I said he’d left EONS ago. Then she started screaming for him from the doorway. There wasn’t any response, of course, so then she said to tell him she’d been by and that he should ring her. I went back to looking for the sandwich toaster. Justin strolled into the kitchen with his camera over his shoulder. I said I thought he’d gone out; didn’t he hear Bethsheba SHRIEKING for him? He said who hadn’t? He reckoned the whole road had heard her. He called her Bloody Bumshiva and said he wished she’d leave him alone, and I said why not tell her that instead of pretending not to be home, and he said what made me think he hadn’t told her at least a hundred times? I said because he never tells anybody anything, and he said well, here was a first, then. I could tell Elvin that he couldn’t wait for him because he had to go out. And as if this wasn’t surprising enough (I mean, why would Elvin think Justin was going to wait for him? He was coming to see ME!!!), Justin then made a quick exit through the garden. I was watching him heave himself over the back wall when the phone rang. I picked it up because I thought it might be Elvin. It was Marcus, ringing to tell me not to eat lunch because we could get something after the gallery. I said what gallery? He said the gallery I’d made a date with him to see today because there are paintings in it that reminded him of my stuff. I acted all shocked and horrified (which I sort of was, though I was also too preoccupied with my date with Elvin to get THAT emotionally involved), and said I’d forgotten all about it. I said my nan had fallen again and we were all pretty upset and it had totally put it out of my mind. I said I couldn’t go today because my parents were both out (true), and I had to look after my nan (would’ve been true if Nan were home). Marcus said well, what about next Saturday and I said OK because the doorbell was ringing. This time it was Elvin (FINALLY!). I still hadn’t found the sandwich toaster, but he said just a plain cheese sandwich would be great. (I like men who are flexible; I think that’s another important quality to look for.) He wanted to know where Justin was and I told him he’d just climbed over the garden wall. I think he thought I was joking at first. I put the lunch stuff on the table and Elvin said he couldn’t eat the cheese because it wasn’t vegetarian. I said of course it was vegetarian; it was cheese. He said no, they weren’t necessarily the same thing. He said cheese isn’t vegetarian unless it has a green V or something on the packet to prove that it isn’t made with animal glop. (And how was I meant to know a thing like that?) I said OOPS, I forgot. I haven’t been a veggie that long. Elvin said vegetarians have to be really careful, and, so he didn’t think I was TOTALLY clueless, I said it was worse for vegans because my aunt’s a vegan and she reads the labels on EVERYTHING before she eats it, including salt. At last being related to Sappho has paid off!!! Elvin said he admires vegans. He said I had a v interesting family. Since this isn’t true, and since even if it were true he wouldn’t know it since he’s only met Justin, I knew he was talking about me. I pretended to pick something off the floor in case I was blushing. After lunch Elvin took a look at my bike, but even though he had a bag full of tools it turned out he didn’t have the right one with him, so he said he’d come back next week. I thought maybe he’d suggest doing something else but he didn’t. After Elvin left, I rang Marcus back, but he’d gone out. I decided to go to Disha’s. When I got outside, Bethsheba was sitting on the step like that creepy bird in that Edgar Allan Poe poem. God knows how Geek Boy knew she’d be out there – perception isn’t one of his strong points. I told her Justin wasn’t back yet and she gave me this Mona Lisa smile and said she knew. Didn’t I say someone who was interested in Justin had to be REALLY STRANGE?!!