The first-floor apartment in Wicklow Street, London, that Ella had shared with her nanny for as long as she could remember smelt musty. Stepping over the pile of letters, she crossed the hall and went into the living room and took in the dust sheets that covered the furniture. Opening the curtains, she unlatched a window and threw it wide open. Cold December air chilled her, but the low winter sun brought a little comfort.
She’d spent last night in a hotel, putting off coming here, where she knew the loneliness of her homecoming might overwhelm her. Busying herself was the answer, and soon the dust sheets were removed and a glowing fire crackled in welcome. Now she would light the fires in the three bedrooms and thoroughly air her bedding.
Looking around the rooms, it was difficult to keep her spirits high. Without Nanny giving the place the feel of a home, the rooms simply took on the mantle of the purpose for which they were designated. Shaking herself, Ella knew there was bound to be a sense of anti-climax about coming home, with no one to greet her. She’d known it would be so. I’ll just have to get on with life as it is, and not mourn the past.
As soon as her grocery order arrived and was stashed away, she slipped her feet into her suede-and-leather boots and laced them up, before donning her coat. Not the regimental one she’d returned home in, but her favourite ankle-length, dark-green wool coat, with a luxurious, wide Hudson-seal trim to the collar, cuffs and hem. Pulling on her matching hat made entirely of Hudson-seal fur, with a domed crown and a drooping brim, Ella took a deep breath. Oh, to wear such clothes again! Yes, the coat and hat had a tinge of mothballs, but she didn’t care.
Her spirits lifted with the feminine feel of her attire, prompting her to do a little twirl in front of the long mirror in the hall. She would hail a cab and go to the nursing home in Coventry Street. She was too tired to walk, even though it was only a couple of miles or so away. And besides, she couldn’t wait to see Nanny.
‘Miss Machalski is very poorly – I’m not sure if she will know you. However, in her lucid moments she does talk about you. She is very proud of you, as we all are.’
‘Thank you, Matron. May I go through? I won’t disturb her.’
‘Of course. It is not our usual visiting hours, but for you I will make a special allowance.’
Ella’s heart pounded to the rhythm of the squeak of her boots on the highly polished linoleum floors as she walked the corridors. But when she looked down at the shrunken figure of her nanny lying so still, with her breath coming in soft pants, the pounding became a thud, as sorrow and pain entered her. ‘Nanny, it’s me, Ella.’
Nanny’s eyes didn’t open, but her gnarled hand reached out. Taking it in hers, Ella sat down on the chair that Matron had put next to the bed for her. ‘There, she knows who you are. How lovely. I’ll leave you together. If you can, get her to sip some water. Stay as long as you like.’
‘Thank you.’ Once Matron had left, Ella spoke again to her nanny. ‘It’s been a long time, dear Nanny, but the war is over now and I am back. If you want to come home, I will take care of you.’
Nanny’s eyes opened. The once-dark eyes had lightened and her pupils were now ringed with an almost blue, misty colour. Pain was etched in every line of Nanny’s face, but so was happiness, as her eyes filled with tears. Her little smile told Ella they were tears of joy. But though Ella would fight hard to get her home, fear rested in her that Nanny wouldn’t be around for long. The mystery of her own past always lay at the forefront of her mind. Time was running out and, with guilt in her heart, Ella asked, ‘Can you talk, Nanny?’
Nanny nodded.
‘Nanny, forgive me. I know my questions pain you, but I must know. Is Wronski my real name?’
‘Y– yes.’
The tired eyes closed once more, but Nanny’s hand held on to Ella’s as if she would never let it go.
‘Where am I from? Nanny, please don’t leave me not knowing.’ She waited, but there was no response to this. She sighed. ‘Let me help you to take a sip of water, Nanny. Your lips are very dry.’
As she carried out this task, a little hope seeped into Ella. Not only because, at last, Nanny had answered one of her questions, but because Nanny was aware of what was being said, although she did worry about Nanny’s cracked lips. Surely someone should have tended to her need for them to be moistened? Not that she worried about Nanny’s general welfare, as she could see that she was otherwise well cared for. But she realized, from the hustle and bustle going on in the place, that it was run by people who had to stretch their resources among many others.
Lifting Nanny into a sitting position, Ella could feel her poor, twisted bones. ‘Nanny, I’m taking you home. I’ll have to put some arrangements in place first and sort out my discharge from the Red Cross, but it will only take me a few days to do that. I’ll buy a bath chair and take you for walks in the fresh air, and engage someone to care for you when I have to go out. Would you like that, Nanny?’
Taking a sip of the water Ella held for her, Nanny looked up. Her cloudy eyes sparkled with joy.
Laying Nanny down again, Ella kissed her forehead. ‘Rest now, and I’ll be back. I’ll do everything as quickly as I can. I love you, Nanny.’
Nanny nodded and smiled. Ella knew she was doing the right thing. It wouldn’t be easy, and she’d have to put her own plans to one side, but Nanny had devoted her life to caring for her. She’d left her own country to be with Ella, which must have been a wrench. She must have family back in Poland surely? What of them – did they know how Nanny was, or anything about her? And what of herself? Do I have anyone there? What happened to cause Nanny to bring me to England and never speak of the past? Will I ever know?
Telling Matron of her plans, was met with objections. ‘Look, my dear, I know that your heart is in the right place, but you need to think this through very carefully. Your reaction is natural. You want to make everything as it was. But the reality is that your nanny cannot do anything for herself. She needs a great deal of attention and help. There is a team of us dedicated to doing everything for her. On your own, you would never manage.’
‘I will. I will engage some help. I can see that she hasn’t got long. I need to care for her, in her last weeks or months. I have to do that for her.’
‘Very well. There are, of course, some conditions to be met. Our fees are monthly, and we require a month’s notice of termination of our agreement of care for a patient. The only exception occurs on the death of a client.’
‘I will pay for that month, but I will not leave her here. It isn’t anything to do with the home, or the care you give. It is a need within me to look after my nanny, as she has done for me all my life. I hope you understand.’
‘Yes, of course I do. I just think that you are letting your heart rule your head. This isn’t what you need to be doing, after what you must have been through, but I can see that you are determined. In that case you’d better make your arrangements, and we will prepare for Miss Machalski’s departure.’
Ella had mixed emotions as she left the home. She’d not made any plans for the rest of her life, but she had wanted to seek out her friends, Flors and Mags, and she desperately wanted to find Paulo. Something told her that she might never do that now. Theirs was a tenuous connection, reliant on her being part of the Red Cross. She wouldn’t be that any longer, but she hoped they would still forward mail to her.
Once outside the nursing home, Ella walked towards Piccadilly Circus Tube Station, intending to find a cab there, and was amazed to see a throng of people coming out from the station and walking in the direction of The Mall.
A young man leaning on a crutch stood outside the station, his back against the wall, and she could see that one of his legs was missing from the knee down. He looked tired and unshaven, and as if he hadn’t eaten for days. His shabby clothes hung on his body and his cheeks were sunken onto his cheekbones, giving him a skeletal appearance. Ella felt compelled to ask him, ‘Are you all right?’
The soldier looked at her, his eyes a blank stare.
‘I’m sorry, I – I didn’t mean to intrude, but you looked as though you might need help.’
‘I’m sick of this lot. They’re all eager to welcome Haig back as a hero.’ He spat on the ground. ‘To me, Haig and the rest of them are butchers, not heroes. They sent us over in droves, knowing that most of us wouldn’t stand a chance. The real heroes are six foot under the fields of France and Belgium. Kids who’ve had no life. But then what would you know about it? Living in London, cosseted, with everything you need in life.’
It was then that Ella noticed his begging bowl on the pavement. Shock held her unable to speak for a moment. Here was a man who had been through hell for his country, reduced to having to beg to survive, and yet despite all the people passing him, his bowl was empty. ‘I do know. I have been nursing in Belgium, then France and then Belgium again, since 1914. I have just returned.’
‘Oh, I beg yer pardon, Miss. I—’
His body swayed. Ella jumped forward and caught hold of him. ‘Let me help you – where do you live? I’ll get you a cab, but first let me take you into that cafe across the road and get you something to eat. It may only be cakes, as I don’t think they do much else, but at least it will put something inside you.’
‘Ta, Miss, but I ain’t got a home. Me and the missus were in a flat, but I couldn’t pay the rent when they discharged me from the army. And I couldn’t get a job. Not how I am, with me injuries. Me missus and kid live with her mother, but I’m not wanted there; never did get on with me ma-in-law.’ A tear wound a shiny path through the grime on his face. ‘I’ve nothing of me old life left.’
Ella had to swallow hard to prevent herself from crying. The injustice of his plight left her feeling helpless to know what to do. But suddenly something occurred to her. She propped the man up against the wall, told him to hang on and then, swallowing her pride and driven by indignation that this throng was ignoring someone who’d given his all for them, she grabbed his bowl. Without thinking of her usual shyness, she shouted, ‘So, you all want to see a hero, do you? Well, you’re walking by one right now! Spare a penny for him. He fought for you.’
A few people stopped in their tracks. A gentleman took out his wallet and drew out a one-pound note and shoved it at her, whilst muttering something about the pair of them being a disgrace – using his injury to beg, and at such a time, when they were all going to greet the man who had steered the country to victory. ‘Take this, and be off with you. You are an insult to our proud nation!’
‘I don’t know this man, and I am not working a scam with him. It is you who are a disgrace. What did you do in the war? Here, take your pound. This valiant soldier doesn’t want money from someone like you.’
Without taking the note back from her – something Ella was glad of, as it was a huge amount – the man hurried on, but another stopped and dropped a half-crown into the bowl. And then another man. In a short time the small change brimmed over, falling onto the floor, until Ella took off her hat and emptied it into that, to make room for all the money that those eager to give wanted to drop in the bowl.
By the time the crowd had passed, her hat was half-full and the bowl was nearing the top with coins. A lot of them were farthings, but it didn’t matter. People had shown they were willing to help the man, and that had warmed her heart.
When she turned to him, he had slumped to the ground, pain grimacing across his face. ‘Oh, I’m sorry I left you. Where’s your crutch? Oh dear, I only wanted to help.’
‘No, it’s all right. I’ve got me crutch, I just find standing hard to do, especially on an empty belly.’
‘Right. Well, stay there a moment. Now that the crowd has passed, I can see a hot-potato brazier along the road a little way. I’ll go and get you one. Once you have eaten, you will feel stronger. We can get a cab to my home, and I’ll take care of you till I can find somewhere for you to stay.’
As he ate, the soldier told her that his name was Reginald Pattison. ‘I – I’ve never met anyone like you, Miss . . . I mean, there were a lot over in France, but then it was their job. I don’t know what to say.’
‘You don’t have to say anything. I only want to help. I’m appalled to find you like this, and to think that those I nursed during the war may be in the same plight – it’s hard to take in.’
‘Aye, it is. And not what I expected. I fought with the First Essex Regiment, but copped for a bullet that smashed my kneecap. I lay for two days till someone found me, and by that time my wound had gone rotten, and the surgeon who operated had no choice but to amputate. I fought to stay alive. I kept thinking of me wife and me kid, but now I wish I’d given in and died.’
‘Oh no, don’t say that. Where’s there’s life, there’s hope. We were always being told that in the field hospital; it made us do all we could to save young men like you.’
‘What life have I? Me missus and I can’t be together. I’m sleeping rough and begging for money to feed meself.’
‘Does your wife bring you food and clothing?’
‘She’s under the thumb of her mother. That old witch never liked me. Joanie’s all right – that’s me wife – but she’s easily bullied. Besides, we have no way of keeping in touch. Her mother has this bully of a husband, who has a lot of cronies. If I’m seen within a mile of the place, I’ll be beaten up.’
‘Oh dear, that’s dreadful. I’ll do all I can to help you, Reginald.’
How I will do that I have no idea, but I’ll find a way. Her matron from the Dieppe hospital came to Ella’s mind. She would say over and over again, ‘Where there is a will, there is a way.’ I’ll just have to hope she was right.
By the time they reached Ella’s apartment she knew that Reggie, as he preferred to be called, had been a dock worker in the London docks, shifting tobacco and tea from the cargo ships to the vast warehouses on the wharf before the war.
‘It wasn’t a well-paid job, but it kept me and me family with a roof over our heads, and fed and shod us. There weren’t much left over for high days and holidays, but me and the wife enjoyed going to the pub for a sing-song once a week. It was a good life, and one that I mourn.’
Ella felt sadder by the minute as she listened to Reggie. ‘Make yourself comfortable, I’ll get you some hot tea.’
In the kitchen Ella filled more than the kettle, as she put three saucepans of water on the remaining gas rings. The fire she’d lit earlier was still going well and would have warmed the water, but not enough.
Over a hot cup of tea, she told Reggie that she was going to bath him. ‘If it will make you feel better, I will don my nurse’s uniform.’
Reggie didn’t speak, but nodded his head.
Not being much of a cook, Ella had bought mainly cold meats and cheeses. She had learned how to fry potatoes, though, and thought they would make a meal with the ham and some thick slices of bread. What to give Reggie to wear posed a problem, and in the end she decided to take a sheet into the bathroom, for him to wrap around himself.
Wearing her uniform again brought memories flashing back. Reggie had mentioned that he was with the First Essex, and it brought Freddy, her friend Flora’s brother, to mind. I’ll go to Flora’s house, as soon as I have Reggie settled. Oh, Flors, I can’t wait to hug you.
With Reggie seated on a chair in the bathroom, Ella carried out the task of bathing him, with minimal fuss, but was appalled to see the state of his wound. ‘This needs a doctor’s attention, Reggie.’
‘I can’t pay no doctor. I ’aven’t been given a war pension yet.’
‘I’ll clean it and dress it as best I can. Then I will see about getting a doctor to call.’
‘I can’t get over your kindness, Miss. You ’ave no need to do all of this for me.’
‘I have every need, Reggie. You are a wounded soldier. I cannot believe you have been discarded like this.’
‘There’s not just me, Miss. There’s loads of us, homeless and on the scrapheap.’
‘I wonder if it is because there is nothing organized yet? The whole country has been focusing on the war.’
‘You could be right, Miss, but it ain’t ’ow it should be.’
Ella could say nothing to this, but decided that she would do her best for soldiers like Reggie. They deserved that, didn’t they? The Red Cross would surely organize something, if they hadn’t already done so. And Ella knew this was the kind of work she would like to do in future, caring for all those like Reggie.
With his bath done, Ella handed Reggie the sheet. ‘I’ll get you a meal now, such as it will be, as I’m no Mrs Beeton! Then I’ll make a bed up for you, while you eat. Tomorrow’s another day, and who knows what it will bring.’
His thanks came out with a sob, and Ella’s heart felt heavy with sorrow that, after all he’d been through, he should come to this: relying on a total stranger to help him. She wasn’t prepared for Reggie reaching out and taking hold of her hand, and she snatched it away from him as the memory of Jim flooded through her.
‘Oh, Miss, I’m sorry. I – I didn’t mean . . . I just—’
‘No. No, I’m sorry, Reggie. Forgive me. I didn’t think . . . I know you wouldn’t. I – I . . . You made me jump, that’s all. Please don’t worry. Come on, I’ll help you through to the sitting room.’
Feeling angry at herself for creating an atmosphere, and at Reggie for even thinking of making such a gesture towards her, Ella wondered if she would ever heal.
‘Here, lean on me and take your crutch. Try not to put any weight on your leg.’
‘I couldn’t if I wanted to. The pain is creasing me, Miss.’
‘Call me Ella. Look, about me jumping away from you. Please don’t let that worry you. I really was simply taken unawares.’
‘I shouldn’t have. I just felt so grateful to you. I used to hold the hand of the nurse who took care of me, or rather she held mine, and it gave me comfort.’
‘And of course if you feel the need of that comfort, I will sit and hold your hand. Let’s forget it happened. I am your nurse, so perhaps it would help to call me Nurse Ella?’
‘Aye, that would suit, as that’s how I was thinking of you. I can understand your fear. It’s a massive thing you’ve done taking me in. You don’t know me from Adam.’
No. All I saw was someone needing help. Someone who knew nothing about me. What was I thinking? As for me learning to trust a male friend again, it is going to take a lot – let alone a stranger! But looking on this man as a patient will help.
By the time they reached the sofa, Reggie was exhausted. He put his head back and tears flowed down his cheeks. Ella’s heart went out to him.
‘Is the pain very bad, Reggie?’
‘Aye. Unbearable.’ His teeth gritted and a moan came from him.
‘I’ll go for the doctor right now. I can’t see you suffering like this. I won’t be long.’
‘No. I couldn’t bear being taken to hospital, not tonight. I’m done in. I’m used to the pain. I’ll manage.’
‘Well, I’ll go to the chemist shop on the corner of the road. I know the pharmacist, he’ll give me something for your pain.’
Reggie was in bed and sleeping soundly, after she had administered the phial of the pain-draught to him – she hadn’t asked what it contained as she trusted Malic, the Greek owner of the chemist shop. He had a wonderful array of potions, in bottles of all colours and sizes. Most were his own concoctions, and all worked on the ailments that he had invented them for. Malic had told her to make sure her patient was in bed before she administered the drug, and had said that he would sleep like a baby. Ella was grateful to find that was so, as she watched Reggie, snoring gently, and thanked God he was now out of pain.
As she sat beside him, Ella knew that her immediate future was settled. She would get Nanny home, engage a nurse to help to care for her, and would approach the Red Cross. Perhaps they had plans to care for those who were returning wounded, and who could no longer work. She was sure they would have, and so she would volunteer her services to help. For now, I know that if I’m to live with what happened to me – and without Paulo – then I will need to do more than stay at home with Nanny. I must keep busy, and channel all my energy into helping others like Reggie.
Emerging from her bank on King’s Cross Road a few days later, Ella was pleased to have found that financially she was secure for some time to come. Her allowance from her family – whoever they were – had been paid in for her each month of her absence, and her pay from the Red Cross was mostly untouched.
She stood for a moment, thinking of how quickly she’d burdened herself with concerns for others. For now, she had a lot pressing on her mind, when on first arriving home she’d stood in the empty flat, feeling the future stretching endlessly ahead.
‘Ella, is that yourself?’
‘Paddy, how wonderful! I thought you lived in Cricklewood – what brings you here?’
Paddy’s face dropped.
‘What is it? Just a few days ago you were so full of hope.’
Paddy told Ella everything that had happened since she’d returned home.
‘Oh, Paddy. I’m so sorry to hear of your loss. Is there anything I can do to help you?’
‘It is that seeing you has helped me. I was for feeling so alone, I thought I would come to seek you out.’
‘Oh, my dear.’ Paddy came into Ella’s open arms. For a moment they hugged. Paddy’s body shuddered with sobs. People passing by stared, but didn’t pass comment. Were they used to such scenes of despair?
‘Paddy, I will do anything – anything – to help you. Where are you staying?’
Paddy straightened and blew her nose. ‘I’m in a guesthouse along the road. I set out to walk to your house, when it is I came across you in the street.’
‘That must be awful; they are such impersonal places. Have you no friends living near to you?’
‘No. Lots of acquaintances, but, Ella, if you were to see the area my home was in, you would be for understanding. I am still renting the room that my pappy lived in, as I’m for having a lot of things that I need to collect. But isn’t it that I have been so cocooned in me grief that I cannot think straight, to begin to search for a flat. And I’ve no family left now. Not even in Ireland.’
‘I’m so sorry. Why don’t you come home with me, Paddy? You can stay as long as you like. That is, if you don’t mind my other guest, Reggie; he is a wounded soldier and homeless.’
‘Oh, Ella, can I? That would be lovely, so it would. And why is it I’m not surprised that you have already begun to collect waifs and strays. To be sure, I would be honoured to be your second.’ Paddy controlled her crying and wiped her face, a smile lighting up her face.
‘Ha! I didn’t mean to. It just happened. I’ll tell you what, let’s go into that cafe over there and have a hot drink. It’s bitterly cold.’
Paddy nodded and linked her arm through Ella’s.
The warmth from a roaring fire made Ella’s cheeks burn and tingle. She hadn’t realized how cold she’d been.
As if to talk about anything but what was troubling her, Paddy said, ‘I see you’ve been shopping. I’m in need of so much, too. I’ll have to take meself along to the stores, so I will.’
‘Oh, this. No, it’s not for me, but for Reggie – the poor soul has nothing and he isn’t well enough to get about.’
‘Is it wise that you should have taken him into your home, Ella? He may be running off with your silver as we speak.’
‘Poor man couldn’t, if he tried.’ Ella told Paddy about Reggie and how she was just about to go back to the doctor’s house to get him to come and examine Reggie’s wound again. ‘I think he should be in hospital. I’m worried sick about him. But the doctor seemed to think that the pain relief and rest would do the trick, besides the food and warmth I’m providing.’
‘Well, if you are worried, then it is that there is something to worry over. You should be insisting. But what if this Reginald is for staying with you and not going to the hospital? Is it sure that you have room for me as well?’
‘Yes, of course I do. I have three bedrooms. You can have my room and I will sleep in my nanny’s room.’
‘You have a nanny!’
‘It’s a long story. I’ll explain it all to you later. Do you have to give notice at your guesthouse?’
‘No. I am for having it on a temporary basis, and it’s only a short distance from here.’
‘Perfect. You can collect your things while I go and see the doctor, as his surgery is just across the road, next to the bank. Then I only live round the corner.’
‘Aye, I’m for knowing that. Oh, Ella, I’m that happy to have found you.’
‘Me, too, Paddy. How’s things with the army? I take it you’re not on any duties at the moment?’
‘No, I’m still on leave, pending my discharge. It is simply a matter of waiting for me papers, so it is. I’m for taking a break before I look for work.’
It occurred to Ella that Paddy would be able to help nurse Nanny, but now wasn’t the time to discuss the subject. She didn’t want Paddy to think she had a motive for asking her back to her home, as nothing was further from the truth. Oh, but she could be the answer to my prayers.
Taking on charity work had become important to Ella, because she needed a challenge if she was ever going to heal her mind of the nightmares that visited her. And to help me to live without Paulo in my life . . . Can I do that? At this moment she didn’t think she could.