Two months until the wedding
Preparations for the wedding are in full swing and Caitlin is giving me even more free rein. I wonder if she suspects something, anything. This was just the way things had evolved. I hadn’t set out to betray her. I condoned my actions with the notion that if things were meant to be any different, then they simply would be.
At times, I am riddled with guilt; I am, after all, only human. I had sought more from Caitlin than she had ever been willing to give. And of course, there have been the times when she has not been the best friend she could have been to me and I have just been holding on, my fingers pressed firmly into the cracks of our relationship. But now I can feel myself slipping.
At least I have the distraction of Roxy, who has booked me to do the video content next week. I had quoted her three times what I had charged her for the blog and photos and she happily signed the contract. I haven’t stopped beaming since – it is the best gig I’ve bagged so far. And with that and organising the flowers for the wedding and making sure I am giving enough time and attention to Oscar, I feel done in. I used my common sense and have alternated the day I slip away from my desk at work. It had been foolish to think I could make a habit of something and for Oscar – who is the SAS of lie detection since Kelly’s deception – not to notice a pattern. I feel good that, for once, I have my life under some sort of control and that although I am balancing quite a few plates, I am able to keep everyone happy. For now.
But I sense the change coming; it’s all around me and in everything I do. Once Caitlin is married to Chuck, I know things might never be the same again.
Chuck is an honest man and once he says his vows, he’ll be committed to Caitlin. He has already been such a good friend and confidante to her for so many years. And soon he will be promising to care for her for the rest of his life.
The dynamics will shift and he’ll settle into his role of dutiful husband and all the stuff we have shared together over the years will fade to nothing, and eventually he might forget what he and I had and knew, and carry on his life with Caitlin.
Today as I drive home from my last appointment of the day, I feel good that I will be home before five. Oscar has asked me to be home for dinner as he has planned something special for us. It is rare for us to get time together, as we are both usually working, often late. As two people who run their own businesses, we too often find ourselves overrun with work when we should be making time for one another.
I open the door to the potent smell of garlic. I knew Oscar would make our favourite: garlic prawns for starters, followed by mushroom tagliatelle and then Mississippi mud pie for dessert. It is my absolute dream three-course meal. Even after all the years at Saxby being wined and dined on exquisite food and drink, I still love those three simple dishes because they were what Oscar and I had eaten on our first trip away together to Florida. I feel an overwhelming sense of nostalgia as I come through the hallway and everything that has been occupying my mind over the last few weeks simply disperses as I inhale those familiar flavours.
We do not have Immy this weekend, so it will be a quiet weekend, just for us.
‘What are we celebrating?’ I say once I have removed my coat and poured myself a small glass of white wine. That will be enough for me tonight.
‘Life, love and all the other stuff in between.’ Oscar sits down opposite me at our kitchen table and clinks my wine glass with his beer.
‘Oh, lovely,’ I say and take a long sip.
‘Except, here’s to you, babe. You worked so hard to get the Roxy contract and now look at how well you’re doing. It’s only going to go upwards with Space from now on.’
‘I know, I can’t believe my luck!’ I say.
‘It’s not luck, babe. You’ve worked hard, the way you work hard on everything. You always have. Your whole family are grafters, that’s why we get along so well – we’re not shy about getting our hands dirty. I couldn’t imagine being with a woman who wanted to paint her nails all day and have spas or whatever it is those kinds of women do.’ Oscar pauses and then looks straight into my eyes. Suddenly the atmosphere is charged and the look on his face means I don’t need to wonder what is coming next. I can hear the words before they’ve even reached his lips, and suddenly, I realise what all this is about. Of course, it was leading to this. But why am I feeling as though I want to run?
‘Babe.’ Oscar clears his throat, an action that feels unnecessary. ‘You know I love you and I can’t imagine my life without you in it. And I know you thought that this couldn’t happen, after everything that I’ve been through, that I wouldn’t ever feel like I could trust another woman enough again, but with you, I feel safe.’
Oscar pauses and smiles, his eyes twinkling. I think about what it means to be in an honest relationship and not withhold information from one another. Oscar is about to propose, and I am no better than his ex-wife, Kelly.
‘I know I said all that stuff about you not answering your phone but I was having a bad day. I think I made myself paranoid, that if I did this, that if I committed properly again, I could get hurt. But I know that can’t happen twice, cos surely no man could be that unlucky. At least not me – I pay my taxes, I work hard, I ring my mum once a week, and even your mum sometimes! But more than all that, I love you, Sasha, I love us, and I know you might never want kids – and I can handle that, we have Immy.’ Oscar stands up from the chair and falls to one knee.
‘Blimey, before the starter.’ I stutter out the words, knowing I need to say something but can’t quite believe this is happening. Why now? Oscar is usually so perceptive – he knows I have my plate full with Caitlin’s wedding. That is what I will tell him. I can’t tell him the significance of this year and all the other secrets I am hoarding.
‘But what I really want,’ Oscar continues, ‘is you, that’s all. Just you, with or without another little person in our lives. I trust you implicitly, and I trust you with my heart. So, Sasha, will you please marry me?’
I let out the breath I have been holding, and it escapes as a small laugh.
‘Sorry, sorry, I’m not laughing.’
‘It’s okay, really. Take your time, just don’t leave me hanging.’ Oscar is the one to let out the awkward laugh this time.
‘I won’t, I won’t.’ I can feel my heart pounding as though it might beat out of my chest. Then I hear my phone ping with a notification. ‘Sorry, sorry, I meant to turn it off.’
‘It’s okay, babe. It’s your job, I get it, look at it later.’
‘Of course.’
‘So?’ Oscar shifts on his knees. ‘It’s getting a bit uncomfortable down here. What do you say? Sasha, do you think we can do this?’
I can hear Oscar’s words coming at me, but I can still hear the echo of the phone notification in my ear. I receive all my messages from clients through emails, but it wasn’t the email tone. Of course, the text could be Mum, or Hunter, or one of my old school friends, but somehow, I know that this text is coming from someone else, someone that now they have texted, is in my head and marring what is supposed to be a beautiful and poignant moment.
I know the word I should have said, the word that should have flown out of my mouth so easily. I push the intrusion aside and try to bring myself back to this moment. Here I am with the man I love and had been with for four years, and he is asking me to marry him, but yet again my mind won’t allow me to put myself in a happy place. How can I say yes to Oscar and begin my life with him, when I still haven’t reached a place where I feel secure, where I feel I have arrived? Space is only just launching itself, and I feel hopeful it will evolve into a profitable business soon, but I am thirty-three. I don’t have a business that turns over millions like Caitlin’s does, I don’t have the house in the country, or the fourteen-million-pound property in London or the housekeeper. All those years I lived at Saxby, I felt the very essence of their wealth seeping into my soul. I thought that being surrounded by so much money and success would somehow rub off on me and that my transition into adulthood would be filled with endless financial opportunities. I thought by now, I would be doing better. And I know Caitlin thinks the same by the way she belittles my work.
I go to speak, to say something, anything to try and make Oscar understand. But he is standing up and walking away into the lounge. The word has not made it to my lips.
I look over to the side in the kitchen and see for the first time, champagne glasses and an ice bucket with a bottle poking out of the top.
I am suddenly very alone in the kitchen.
I walk over to my phone and pick it up. My finger swipes at the screen.
Chuck’s name is at the top and below his message:
We need to talk.