Mum had been preparing all morning for the arrival of a few select guests who would arrive later that afternoon for dinner and to see in the New Year. I had been invited as Caitlin’s guest for the evening. Chuck and his family had arrived yesterday. I hadn’t seen him since Caitlin’s birthday in the summer, but between the three of us, we would be the only children – aside from Caitlin’s twin brothers, whom I rarely saw anyway as they were always with Natalie. In fact, I couldn’t remember ever seeing Ava with them without the nanny there.
Caitlin and I were both twelve and practically teenagers, so we felt as though we should be treated like adults. Caitlin had assured me that there would be champagne, of which we would be offered one glass each. She said once the adults had all each had a few glasses, there would be plenty left for us to have a few subtle sips more. I was a bit nervous, because I had only ever really sipped the froth off my dad’s beer before and pretended I was drunk, much to the amusement of my family. I wasn’t sure what Caitlin’s intentions were. Did she want us to get really drunk? I knew Caitlin had drunk before; how would I hide it from my family? My nerves were now a mixture of the prospect of my first real drink and the fear of letting Caitlin down if I declined. But I knew I couldn’t let her down. Caitlin would want me to drink some champagne with her tonight and I wanted to show her I was just as daring as she was.
It was freezing out, but Caitlin insisted we go and have a mooch around and work ourselves up for the four-course meal we had to sit through before the adults were drunk enough not to notice us. I had hovered in the doorway waiting for Caitlin to bundle up with anticipation for an appearance by Chuck, but there was no mention of him.
I wasn’t in the mood for walking, but we took a circuit around the entire gardens, bumping into Dad twice, laughing at how he had managed to overtake us to get ahead. But Dad knew these grounds like the back of his hand now and could weave in and out of hedgerows and hop over walls to get to where he needed to be.
We had just come back onto the driveway and there was Hackett standing by the outhouse next to the main house. Once again, I was surprised to see Caitlin’s behaviour change around him as she suddenly sped up, and I knew it was to get to him. This was a routine I had noticed whenever we saw him in the grounds. Once we had reached Hackett, Caitlin positioned herself so that she was between me and him, but I saw how her hand reached out and grazed the cuff of his shirt. Even though it was almost freezing, Hackett was walking around in a checked shirt with just a body warmer over the top, although he did have a blue knitted bobble hat on.
‘Are you going off home, Hackett?’ Caitlin didn’t look up at him as he spoke, but just focused on his sleeve.
‘I-I-I am… I am now,’ Hackett stuttered in his monotone voice.
‘Well, I guess I won’t see you, so can I wish you happy New Year now?’
I couldn’t believe what I was seeing again, this strange exchange between the gardener and Mrs Clemonte’s granddaughter. I wanted to ask Caitlin what this was all about; did she have some sort of crush on Hackett, or was it just another pointless game she was playing with him? Was she trying to prove something to me? Was it some sort of power trip? But I also knew that I would never ask her. It would just be added to the many other things about Caitlin that I had yet to figure out and probably never would. In all the time I had lived at Saxby, I had only actually spent nine of those weeks with Caitlin, I didn’t feel as if our friendship had reached the point where I could ask her something so personal.
Nine weeks was nothing really, but I felt like I had always known her, because how could someone who exhibited themselves in the way that Caitlin did have possibly existed all this time without me ever knowing her?
‘Wish… happy New Year. I forget how?’ Hackett had that confused expression across his face again.
‘Well, we can shake hands, we can hug, or kiss. On both cheeks though.’ Caitlin carried on the conversation as though I wasn’t there.
I watched as Hackett bent down a little and Caitlin went in for a light peck on both cheeks. Then, she turned away from him, grabbed my hand and began a light skip, which I had to echo in order to fall into step with her. It was as though none of it had happened.
‘What’s wrong with Hackett?’ I asked when we were back in the courtyard, our cheeks flushed from the cold.
‘What’s wrong with him?’ Caitlin pulled off her gloves and shoved them in her pocket. ‘There’s nothing wrong with him. He’s the most normal person here.’
Caitlin went to walk in through the back door and I followed. She turned suddenly and looked at me. ‘Where are you going?’
I stood still and looked at her. ‘I’m coming in with you.’ I was thinking about the mug of hot chocolate that Judith had promised me. I was also keen to see her preparations for the dinner this evening. There was talk of a soufflé for starters, and I had never eaten soufflé before.
‘I’m going to have a lie-down. Then I promised Chuck a game of chess. Could you come over at six? Wear something, you know, suitable. You have a dress or something, don’t you?’
I stood rooted to the spot. My eyes were stinging with tears, which I could put down to the cold if Caitlin happened to notice. Which she did not. But I tried desperately to hold them back anyway, even though it felt hard to breathe. I knew I should have felt lucky I had been invited for a New Year’s dinner, but the stab of disappointment in my gut was hard to ignore. I thought about what I would do from now until six and tried not think about why Caitlin needed to have ‘a lie down’ at three in the afternoon. Then there was the issue of a dress. I didn’t have one. I hadn’t owned a dress since I was seven, and it would be too late to get to the shops now. I would disappoint everyone by turning up in something completely unsuitable. I didn’t think I would be able to go, and I wanted so desperately to go to the New Year’s Eve dinner. To sit and be treated like one of the grown-ups, laugh with Chuck and try, just as Caitlin had suggested, to sip some champagne. Being with the Clemontes and their friends, I felt like a different version of myself. A better version. I wanted to feel a part of it more and more.
I pushed away the tsunami of emotions, told myself to pull it together.
‘A dress. Yes.’ I gulped.
‘Great. Don’t be late.’ Caitlin turned and skipped back into the house, and I stood and watched her for a few seconds before turning and heading back to the cottage. As I half ran, half skipped back home, I felt hot tears slide down my frozen cheeks.
‘A dress, a dress. Of course, why didn’t I think about a bleedin’ dress, I’m so stupid.’
Mum was in the kitchen chopping up carrots, onions and turnips for a stew for their tea. There was a packet of butterscotch Angel Delight on the side and three bananas. I felt bad that I was going to be eating four courses and drinking champagne at the main house whilst Mum, Dad and Hunter would be having vegetable stew and Angel Delight.
I stood and looked at Mum slightly forlorn. ‘Don’t you worry, pet, I’ll have you sorted. You shall go to the ball!’ She danced a lap around me, waving an invisible wand, and then raced upstairs.
She was back down in minutes with a long black dress I had never seen before. It had short sleeves with a frill along the hem and a V-neck. It was a nice dress, but no one had ever seen me in anything like that before. Would they think I was trying too hard to fit in and to be like them? And I so wanted to be like them. On the other hand, I didn’t want to let Caitlin down and turn up in something, as she had put it, ‘not suitable’.
Mum took the dress to the living room where her sewing machine was always set up and began cutting.
‘But, Mum, your dress?’
‘Oh, pet, I haven’t worn this in years. I doubt if I ever will again, not with my hips after two kids and my penchant for cream horns.’
An hour later, Mum had taken the dress up to knee length and brought it in a couple of inches at the waist. I pulled off my jumper and jeans and pulled the dress over my vest.
It was a perfect fit. ‘How did you do that, without me trying it on with pins and all that?’
‘I know your size. Look at that, with that purple necklace of mine and a little bangle you will look lovely.’
I had a pair of black ankle boots that Mum had bought me for going out into town with my friends just before we moved here, but since I had spent the summer in flip-flops and most of the winter in wellies, I had barely worn them. Would they be the sort of footwear that was acceptable for a New Year’s dinner at Saxby House? I had no idea. But they were my only option.
Now Mum had gone to so much effort with the dress, I felt even worse that they were all staying in whilst I was invited for dinner, so I helped Mum tidy up the lounge and prepped some broccoli to go with their stew.
By five forty-five I was in the dress, wearing Mum’s jewellery, the boots with tights, and Mum had put my hair up in a French plait and sprayed the life out of it with some of her hairspray.
I went to the mirror in the hallway. I thought I might get a moment on my own, to admire myself in the dress, but everyone followed me. Mum had done such a good job in a short space of time. I looked and felt grown-up. I felt as though I would fit in just fine at the dinner tonight.
Dad stood in the lounge looking me up and down, shaking his head. ‘I can’t believe this is my daughter. You look stunning. Absolutely stunning. Doesn’t she, Hunter?’
Hunter grunted and looked up from the TV for a moment. Then nodded. And went back to watching Scooby Doo.
‘I won’t kiss you – I don’t want to ruin your look. Now do you need me to walk you over there?’ Dad reached over and we squeezed hands.
‘No, no thank you.’ I went to the hall and pulled on my black parka coat – it was pretty chilly out.
‘Bye, everyone,’ I said and Mum and Dad chorused a goodbye.
‘Ooh, hold on,’ Mum shouted and ran into the kitchen. She came back with a tray of Ferrero Rocher. ‘I have these left over from Christmas. You should never turn up to dinner empty-handed.’
I took the box of chocolates, waved at the door and head out into the chilly evening.
My stomach was doing somersaults as I walked up the back doorsteps of the main house. What would everyone think? Was this dress good enough to be accepted as one of them? Would Caitlin be pleased with my outfit choice? What would Chuck think? Before I left the cottage, I was confident with my dress choice, but now I began to doubt myself all over again.
With a hundred thoughts whirring in my head, I entered through the back porch, which was now permanently closed against the harsh winter air.
As soon as I arrived in the hallway, I could hear a cacophony of sounds, from plates and saucepans clattering to Caitlin’s twin brothers screaming upstairs and adults laughing. Then the smells hit my nostrils and I was taken back by the exotic unfamiliar scents. Judith came bustling out of the kitchen on my left; her hands full of small plates, she was dining room bound.
‘Oh my goodness, Sasha, I barely recognised you – you look absolutely cracking.’ She scurried on ahead, red-faced and perspiring. I felt all squirmy and my cheeks grew hot from her compliment. I took my coat off and hung it up in the hallway and headed straight for the drawing room where I could see a few people were gathered. It was a sea of shimmering dresses and suits and dicky bows. I was hit by a wall of perfumes and aftershaves mingled with fresh firewood burning. People were gathered in small groups of two or three, and everyone seemed to have a glass of champagne in their hand. The huge Christmas tree stood proudly in the corner of the room, the fairy lights twinkling gracefully.
Chuck was the first to turn around and when he did, he looked visibly shocked. His jaw dropped open. I realised he was impressed with what I was wearing and I liked what he was wearing too. He had on a dark grey suit and a white shirt, and on his feet were a pair of black-and-white brogues. His hair was combed back with some sort of product in it. He was the only male not in black tie.
‘Sasha!’ His eyes were wide as he strode confidently over to where I stood rooted to the spot, unable to take his eyes off me. I felt hot, uncomfortable and excited all at once. Then Chuck did something that threw me completely; he lifted my hand and brought it to his mouth, where he kissed it lightly before lowering it back to my side again.
I let out a small giggle, and as I did, I saw Caitlin appear at the doorway to the drawing room, where she had just come from the formal lounge. I had already envisioned the look I would receive from Ava, who was in a red off-the-shoulder dress. I had already clocked Josephine behind her, who looked glamorous with her grey hair swept back from her face with two thick silver grips and a midnight blue shimmery dress that caught the light of the chandeliers as she moved. Caitlin, however, was dressed in a frog-green ruffly ballgown that stopped just below her knee. Underneath, she wore blue tights and a pair of black ballet pumps. I didn’t think any of the colours went together, but it was typical Caitlin. Her style was so unique and I was used to it now and enjoyed the theatre she brought to events. And I always admired the way Caitlin owned her looks and didn’t care that others may not think her attire choices to be appropriate. She arrived next to Chuck and gave me a subtle once over, then lingered longer on the dress. I could see her face draining of colour. Was Caitlin jealous?
‘Caity, doesn’t Sasha look fabulous? Look at her hair! Josephine, come and see.’ Chuck called around him.
I stood for a few moments whilst Josephine and Chuck made a bit of a fuss. I felt embarrassed but happy with the attention they were giving me. Ava politely said I looked very nice. I realised I was still clutching the Ferrero Rocher and so I held them out to Ava, who looked at them with some confusion, until I said it was my offering. Then she thanked me again and wandered off across the room, where I saw she put them on a high shelf out of the way where I was sure she would forget about them. Ava then poured herself a very large glass of champagne. Caitlin sucked her mouth in and then blew out her cheeks so her eyes were really wide.
‘Wow, Sasha, you really pulled out all the stops tonight.’ I really couldn’t tell what she meant by it.
‘Hasn’t she? She scrubs up pretty well. I would say, I have two belles of the ball with me tonight. May I get you a drink? What would you like, a Shandy Bass? Lemonade?’ Chuck put his arms around both me and Caitlin, who slipped out of his grip pretty quickly.
‘Lemonade, please,’ I said to Chuck, who did a funny little bow and then walked over to the drinks trolley where Beverly was now standing helping to serve. I looked around the room and saw Chuck’s parents, who turned briefly and gave me a wave. Maxwell was in the corner of the room talking to a man I didn’t recognise, and there was another couple who looked slightly older than Ava and Maxwell, but again I hadn’t seen them before.
‘So you went for black,’ Caitlin said.
‘It was my mum’s dress – she just took it up for me.’ I instantly regretted saying it. I wish I had pretended I had owned it all along.
‘Suits you,’ Caitlin said. Ava sashayed past us in the opposite direction. Caitlin glanced at her and pushed a stray hair behind my ear. Then she started speaking really loudly. ‘It really suits you, I mean, you look super glamorous, and your hair is really stylish, you should wear it like that more often.’
I felt Ava’s stare as she walked back the other way, and as I looked to my left, she had turned away, a slow smile beginning to etch its way across her face as though she were sharing a secret with herself.
At the table, I nibbled on a roll and sipped my lemonade. I had been seated next to Caitlin and to my left was Tim, Chuck’s dad. His mum, Rayner, was opposite me and snorted loudly when she laughed. The other couple I had seen when I had arrived were Tommy and Polly, and they had known the Clemontes for many years and always celebrated the New Year together. Polly was very nice and kept asking me if I was okay, did I need anything?
Even though Caitlin had said the grown-ups would allow us a glass of champagne, I was still shocked when Beverly came up behind me with a bottle and filled my coupe glass halfway. I looked at it and saw how Caitlin looked at me with a sly smirk.
‘Take a sip, it won’t kill you.’ She sniggered and took a gulp of hers. I looked for the wince that came after people took a sip of alcohol, the way I had seen them do it on TV programmes. She nodded at me and gave her hand a wave to say that I should get on with it.
I took a deep breath and looked down at my glass. I heard a high-pitched laugh come from the end of the table, and I looked up at Maxwell – who’d gone all out tonight with a red bow tie and a paisley shirt – sat next to Rayner, who was the one shrieking and snorting with laughter.
I took the glass by the stem, knowing that this one sip could lead to so much more. I wanted Caitlin to like me, to not see me as a complete dork. I thought of my parents back at the cottage, who had probably finished their pudding by now and were sat huddled around the TV. I felt a sudden urge to be there with them. What would they think of me if they could see me now with a glass of champagne? I watched as Chuck sipped his champagne slowly whilst listening intently to something Josephine was saying to him. The candles on the table flickered, and I brought the glass closer in front of me.
‘Oh, come on, Sasha.’ I heard Caitlin next to me.
I would be fine, I told myself. Just do this one thing, then you’ll be just like them. I lifted the glass and brought it to my lips. I could feel the effervescent drink tickling my upper lip and the sweet alcoholic fragrance hitting my nostrils. The Clemontes and their friends allowing their children to drink alcohol was another alien experience. Mum and Dad had a rule that I would only be allowed alcohol when I was sixteen, and even then it would be a weak sweet wine. I hadn’t told them that we were allowed a glass of champagne, because I was scared they wouldn’t let me come to the party. Mum had only just begun to calm down about how much time I spent over here when Caitlin was off school.
I stole a glance across the table, past Josephine and Chuck who were deep in conversation, then across the room towards the window. I was looking for something to focus on when I took my first sip. Whatever I would focus on would then always remind me of this night and my first time.
Through the window, I could see the night was black but with a slither of light cascading down from the weak security light. I could see a few specks of rain hitting the window, so I focused on the flecks of water hitting the glass. I knew any moment, I would need to take the sip to appease Caitlin.
As I stared out into the black night, my eyes were drawn to a slight movement close to the window to my right. I could just about make out the outline of a face that was pressed against the glass, a face that my mother had already warned me about. Instantly her voice came back to me, ‘Stay away from him, love.’ My glass jolted in my hand and I emitted a small squeal. I looked to my hand where I felt a little champagne spill across it and into my lap. When I looked back at the window, the face had gone. I wondered if the fumes from the champagne had made me hallucinate.
There was a loud cracking noise. I turned to Caitlin to check her face for any signs of distress, and she turned to look at me. Then the room went black.