The day of the wedding
I stand in front of Caitlin and Hackett before the closed double doors that lead into the suite where she is about to be wed. I know on the other side of the door is a room full of people all waiting to see Caitlin walk down the aisle. But would they be expecting to see Hackett walking along next to her? I am still reeling from the shock and I am desperately trying to calm my nerves. Of course, Ava is a twin; twins were strong in the family. But I am also angry. I put so much hard work into this wedding because I thought it was my duty to Caitlin to do so, but all the while, it seems the only reason she wants to get married is to upset Ava in front of as many people as possible. First with the dress and now having Hackett as the person giving her away.
I try to slow down my racing heart. I listen to Caitlin and Hackett laughing and goofing around behind me like a pair of kids. It all makes sense to me now, why Caitlin enjoyed spending time with Hackett. Her own father had never been there for her, so she turned to Hackett for affection. They had remained close all these years but, of course, Caitlin chose not to share any of this with me.
I hear the start of the song that Caitlin has selected to walk down the aisle to: The Kinks, ‘You Really Got Me’ – a favourite of both Caitlin and Chuck. When the double doors open, I feel the energy from the room hit me as everyone turns in their standing positions to welcome us down the aisle. Faces are staring at us from all angles, but the face I am searching for would be at the front of the room near the humanist who is hosting the ceremony. I look ahead of me and see Chuck standing to the right. He is wearing a light-blue suit and matching waistcoat, a white shirt and a purple dicky bow. I can see no sign of nerves; Chuck is jigging along to the song, occasionally letting his leg jut out to hit a beat. I want to smile, I want to laugh at the stupidity of it all, but there is such a dichotomy playing along in my brain: what I’ve planned to happen after the ceremony, the secret between Chuck and I, mine and Ava’s secret, Caitlin’s attempt to mock her own mother with the dress and now with Hackett. It all begins to feel too much and I wish I could put the brakes on for just a moment, but I need to power through to the reception.
Then I spot Oscar to my left. He is wearing a cotton pale grey suit and light-pink shirt. He looks so handsome and smart and has a huge smile plastered across his face, one that says he is overwhelmed by my outfit. I could be his bride walking down the aisle to meet him. I smile back at Oscar, and we share this telepathic romantic moment between us for a few seconds until I pass him. Maybe, I think, maybe when this is all over, I will feel ready to marry Oscar. I check over my shoulder to make sure Caitlin and Hackett are following, and they are. I have nothing in my hands, and I am cursing Caitlin under my breath for not agreeing to a small bouquet for me. I am trying to stop myself wringing my hands by placing one on top of the other in front of me.
I sense the change in the atmosphere as I reach the end of the aisle. Until now, Ava has not turned her head to look, as though turning it too early would cause too much strain. And so because of this, I get to see the entire metamorphosis of her expression, from a look of nonchalance to feigned interest, a brightening of her eyes in alignment with the rest of the congregation, to a flicker of doubt as she strains to look beyond me to where Caitlin is walking with Hackett. She nudges Maxwell, who is sat next to her, who hasn’t noticed, and it’s only when I reach the end of the aisle and stand to the left in front of her chair that Ava fully registers. I watch as a bleak expression spreads across her face. I steal a brief look behind me to see that Maxwell’s jaw has also dropped open slightly. He is wearing one of his classic bow ties – his style hasn’t changed in two decades. This was not who either of them were expecting the sixty-seventh guest to be.
I turn my attention to Caitlin, who has arrived next to me with Hackett by her side.
Hackett is holding on tightly to Caitlin’s hand. The humanist says something, and Hackett does an awkward literal handover of Caitlin to the humanist, a woman in her fifties with tightly curled permed hair, who takes Caitlin’s hands and thanks Hackett. He continues to stand there, not knowing what to do. I tug his jacket and tell him to sit next to me in the seats we have been allocated at the front.
Then finally I get to turn my attention to Chuck and Caitlin. I have not seen them in each other’s company recently, and before that they were an item so sporadically, I was never sure if they would ever get together properly. I would always watch them carefully whenever they were with one another and much more recently. There was an intimacy there of some sort, but it was never public displays of affection or declaration of love. For today, Caitlin had opted for simple vows: ‘I love your integrity, your humour. I love that I can trust you and depend on you.’
I feel a surge of heat rush through my body as Caitlin speaks her words. I’m not sure if its joy or relief. I try to look at both of their faces to see their expressions, but they are turned into one another, and all I can see is half of Chuck’s face. There is a twinkle in his eye as he speaks, but I can now see he is nervous; as he places the ring on Caitlin’s finger, his hand shakes slightly, but he instantly says something that makes both the humanist and Caitlin laugh. When the humanist says the words, ‘I now pronounce you man and wife,’ the room erupts into applause.
There is a band playing some soft, soulful music as everyone steadily flows into the reception room and people begin taking their seats. Oscar grabbed me on the way out of the ceremony and hasn’t left my side since. He keeps holding me at arm’s length and looking at me up and down. ‘My God, Sash. You’re gorgeous. I’m a bloody lucky guy.’ He doesn’t mention marriage, but I know he must be thinking about his proposal and the redundant ring in a box at home in a drawer. And in a way, I am grateful for the pleasant distraction, but I also know it will be short-lived. It is almost time.
One thing I am unsure of is why Hackett was banished from normal family activity all those years ago and made to work on the estate instead. I am just about working it out, and as I do, I glance at the clock on the wall; the time is almost midday. I want to check my phone, which I grabbed along with my clutch bag from behind the reception desk as we left the ceremony. I think back to any interactions between Hackett and the Clemonte family, and I barely remember any. But the one event that stands firmly in my mind was the New Year’s dinner when the electricity failed and I saw Hackett’s face at the window. Thinking back now, I wonder if Hackett did it on purpose, and if he harboured any anger towards the family who excluded him.
I watch Caitlin make her way around the room and for a woman who has such strong opinions about clichés at her wedding, she seems to be basking in the attention of others, who are swooning over her dress. I think about Ava, who will be reeling from the shock of Caitlin’s dress of choice and Hackett at her side.
Oscar finally feels able to leave my side and heads off in search of a couple of glasses of fizz for us, even though that’s the last thing I feel like. My stomach is gurgling from the lack of food, and the nerves that were on hold during the ceremony are building once again.
Returning triumphant, Oscar makes it back with two glasses of fizz and then his phone rings. He pulls it out of his pocket.
‘Shit, I didn’t know that was on! Lucky it didn’t ring during the service.’ He pulls the phone to his ear, turns away from me and starts a jarred conversation with whoever is on the other end.
‘What? Hang on, Jon, I can’t hear you properly.’ He turns back. ‘Babe, I’m going to pop outside. It’s Jon – he’s started the Morris job today, and there’s a balls-up already.’
I wave him away. ‘It’s fine. I’ll be here.’
He plants a quick kiss on my cheek and walks away.
I watch the room for a while. A few people glide past me, and some stop and discuss how pleasant the ceremony was, they compliment me on my dress and tell me how much they are looking forward to the wedding breakfast. Once I have done this conversation to death, I sink into a chair and reach into my clutch bag for my phone. Still no missed calls or messages; I’m no longer sure if that’s a good thing. The Hackett incident is playing on my mind. I try not to let myself feel sorry for Caitlin, but I naturally do. She longed for a father figure for so long, and she found it in Hackett.
I feel the presence of someone behind me, and I look up and see Ava standing next to the table. She has come in a simple dusty-grey dress with an embroidered bodice, pinched at the waist with a flowing skirt. A rather understated dress, there is no mother-of-the-bride look about her; she could just be another guest.
‘May I sit?’ she asks and I nod.
‘Caitlin seems happy.’ Ava looks around the room. I notice a slight shimmer on her cheekbone as she moves her head and the light catches it.
‘Have you ever really cared for Caitlin’s happiness?’ I ask Ava sincerely.
Ava clears her throat and looks at me. ‘Whatever you may think you know about me, Sasha, I can honestly say that you are wrong. Things are always more complicated than they really seem. What you think you saw amongst those photos—’
‘Wrong? How can I be wrong?’ I cut Ava off. ‘I know what I saw at Saxby all those years ago. I know how you treat people – look at how you have treated your own brother for so long! You’re a disgrace,’ I hiss. ‘You never wanted Caitlin and I to be friends, and you marred our relationship as a result. Caitlin was never able to truly commit herself to me as a friend, and she struggles deeply with intimacy. And it’s all because of you. You’re no mother. Should you even be here today?’ I say, and as I look towards the double doors, my stomach begins a series of somersaults. They are early. I wasn’t expecting them until after the meal.
Ava follows my gaze. There are two women standing in the doorway, and one of them Ava recognises immediately, I can see it in her eyes, but she doesn’t flinch or show any emotion. She remains still and stunned.
I compose myself, and turn to Ava. ‘Are you okay, Ava? I hope you don’t mind, I invited one more guest to the wedding.’