Throughout the trial and ever since, friends and family kept saying that I should write a book about what happened. So much rubbish has been written about what happened to Gemma and my family, and they were desperate for the truth to be told.
My family and friends know my opinions about speaking to the press and they all loyally kept their silence throughout the whole period. But equally, there were plenty of times when I would read something in the newspapers or hear somebody say something on the television and be itching to pick up the phone to tell them that they had got it all wrong. It was tempting, but I knew that kind of knee-jerk reaction wasn’t the right way forward.
Since the trial finished, I had been concentrating on trying to hold down my job, keeping the family together and helping Gemma find a way through what had happened, so I just didn’t have the head-space for anything else. But shortly after I was made redundant, yet another story about Gemma appeared in the press – this time talking about how many boyfriends she’d had since Forrest – and so I decided enough is enough, this needs to stop. Even after all this time, people were still discussing my family and putting two and two together and coming up with five; I’d just had enough.
I’m so proud of my kids and the dignity that they have shown throughout all of this. They could have gone and vented to the press, but they never did. But I was concerned that people were still discussing our lives, and would continue to do so unless I spoke out myself. So one day while I was at home, I was looking at my collection of biographies and started thinking, ‘I wonder if I could do something like that?’ I was always quite good at English at school and kept diaries, so I typed the words ‘how to write a book’ into Google.
I was a bit scared by the idea of agents and writing a synopsis and so on, so I just wrote to some publishers directly. I was a bit thrown when John Blake Publishing came back to me quickly with a positive response – to be honest, I would probably have dealt with a rejection better because something like this was completely out of my comfort zone.
But less than a week later, we had met up and I had a contract for this book.
Before I signed anything, I discussed it with my children and explained why I needed to write the whole story down. I stressed that it wasn’t about Gemma, but my feelings as a mother.
Gemma understands why this book has been so important to me. Together we have come a long way in our relationship since she ran away, but I would never presume to speak on her behalf. She is a very private person and needs to deal with things in her own time and on her own terms. The only thing I can do for her is to be there for her whenever she needs me, on good days and bad days.
Early on, she and I put a strategy in place where I would say to her, ‘Give me an emotion’. I was at such a loss as to how to handle the situation, it was my way of getting her to tell me how she was feeling without us having to get into some long, awkward discussion about every single thought going through her head. She would say things like, ‘Annoyance, exhaustion, anger, frustration’. It really helped us both communicate when she first came back from France.
We have moved on from that now, but it is still very important for me to allow Gemma to tell her own story on her own terms. She is a child who is the victim of a sexual offence, and she has to learn how to get on with the rest of her life. And she is doing brilliantly. She has a lovely boyfriend whom we have welcomed into the family and she is really moving forward with her life.
Every so often, something will be written in the papers about what happened to Gemma and we will discuss it, but now it is more important for us all to try and get on with our lives.
There is no textbook on how to deal with a situation like ours. It has been like having to learn a whole new language. I have had to find out about arrest warrants, judicial processes, child safeguarding policy, aftercare for victims of grooming … the list goes on and on.
I will never be able to get over the guilt that I feel. I can’t stop feeling like I’m the worst mum in the world for letting this happen to Gemma. From the moment I found out what had been going on, it has been like walking down a dark path, trying desperately to find a light and work out how to do the right thing by her.
Something good has to come out of all of this. I have an overwhelming desire to try and give something back after the wonderful way that people have helped me over the last couple of years. What happened to my family can happen to anyone, and I won’t rest until I can do something positive about it.
We are not over it by any means, but we are in a good place.