9. Practice Makes Perfect: Some Hints for Finding Partners
You can confine showing off, dressing erotically, and talking dirty to the privacy of your room, turning only yourself on with your exhibitionism. You don’t even need a mirror – though it adds a lot to the fun and heat of autoerotic exhibitionism.
Sooner or later, though, you will probably want to explore these erotic games with a partner – or several. Where will you go? What will you do? The answers depend on you, your particular turn-ons, your relationship status, and a host of other variables. In this chapter we’ll assume that you’re single and looking for playmates, or that you and your partner are looking for like-minded friends with whom to have exhibitionistic adventures. If you’re partnered, but not with an outgoing, appreciative, or experimental person, this may help you work up the motivation to discuss your desires with him or her or give you ideas for things you can do alone.
Keep It Safe
You may think few opportunities for exhibitionistic fun outside your own bedroom exist where you are. Perhaps you live in a small town or a conservative area of the country. Perhaps you are concerned about safety.
Whether you live in small-town America or a big crazy city, remember that your exhibitionistic forays can lead to trouble if you don’t consider the issue of consent – who might object to seeing or hearing you? Neighbors who live and let live when they’re not sure what you’re up to can get very riled if they see you’re having more fun than they think you ought to. Perhaps you heard about the case of a Florida couple whose irate neighbor videotaped them as they enjoyed a rollicking screw inside their own apartment – the snoop then had the nerve to alert the police because “children might have seen them.” Of course the kids would have had to stand on a crate and peep through the blinds, just as the busybody had, to see the goings-on.
While you can do little besides close the drapes to protect yourself from being watched by disturbed individuals toting mini-cams, do try to give some clear-headed thought to your situation before you decide to go skinny-dipping by moonlight in your neighbor’s pool. There are laws almost everywhere regulating permissible public exposure and behavior, and you will do yourself a favor, if these sorts of high-exposure games are your fantasy of choice, to familiarize yourself with the relevant statutes for your particular locale. Sad to say, some of the people around us don’t agree that sexual exploration and pleasure are good. Remember, they have the problem, not you. But if you do have any sort of run-in like the Floridian couple had with their nosy neighbors, get a competent attorney to defend you on the basis of your right to privacy.
Ironically, the Florida scenario makes a great exhibitionistic fantasy. Just think! You’re naked, up on the bathroom sink, rutting like an animal with your very own spouse. A nasty neighbor spies on you – and takes pictures! Then he drags you into court, to be tried by a jury for the crime of FUCKING! Just think about the great passionate speeches you could make in your own defense.
It’s fun as a fantasy scenario, but not in real life. Remember, your responsibility as a sexually adventuresome adult is to minimize the risks you run in your erotic exploration – that means being aware of everything from safe sex to sex-related laws.
If we dwell on this too much, though, we really will keep the blinds shut tight. Of course, that’s no reason to give up on exhibitionism – as long as you have an enthusiastic voyeur with you in your private hideaway.
Finding Partners
One way to locate a sexually compatible partner is to hope that this compatibility will come as part of the package when you meet someone new, attractive, and interesting. Sometimes, of course, it does. Alternatively, you can make it a primary, non-negotiable quality you look for in a new love. Other options besides pair-bonding may appeal to some; many sexually satisfied people have no regular love partner, but rather share affectionate sexual intimacy with friends. Still others delight in erotic adventuring with the primary and explicit aim of meeting sex partners, not life partners.
Consider your ideal situation. Perhaps you want a monogamous life-partner who doubles as the lover of your wildest fantasies. Perhaps you would prefer to remain non-monogamous with that love of your life. Perhaps you tend to favor non-intimate sex, reserving your long-term intimate bonds for friends. Perhaps your fantasy mate is nowhere to be seen, but you are happy to engage in friendly sex, romantic or not, until s/he comes along. Look at both fantasy and reality; if they don’t match closely, break down the elements of each (hot sex, love, intimacy, touch, companionship, and anything else that’s important to you). Which elements match most closely, and which least? What things can you change right now? What kind of goals can you create to change the others?
People get what they want in a partner most easily when they know what they want, so consider that first. People who know what they have to give are also more likely to get what they want. Are your desires realistic? Are you the sort of person who’d likely attract the kind of person you desire? If not, what can you do about it? What kind of people do you tend to attract? Are you so focused on the perfect, elusive partner that you ignore the wonderful people in your life right now?
Every commentator on relationships from Dear Abby to Happy Hooker Xaviera Hollander says the same thing: If you are pleasant, friendly, reasonably well-groomed, a good listener, and interesting to talk to, other people – potential mates, friends, and everyone else – will find you congenial; some will find you sexually attractive. Abby always tells the lovelorn to look for partners in the places they already frequent – clubs, volunteer organizations, and the like – and it’s sound advice. To fine-tune this recommendation: if your interests are sexual, frequent places that have something to do with sexuality.
Once you are there, don’t forget Abby’s advice. It will still matter that you are pleasant, friendly, and so forth. Happily, though, if what interests you is sex, when you begin to talk about it in an atmosphere where sex is acceptable, the people you meet will probably treat you like a peer. (If you try this tack at church or at work, the spouse-hunting locations some less sex-savvy relationship advisors recommend, you may find you’re being treated more like an untouchable.)
Okay, how do you find the other folks in your town who are interested in sex?
Playing the Personals
If your town doesn’t have any groups that are organized around varying sexual interests or orientations, you can consider starting one yourself. This doesn’t have to be anything fancy. Whom would you like to meet? People interested in sexual experimentation? Non-monogamy? S/M? Swinging? Exhibitionism? All of the above? If you live in a town large enough to have an alternative newspaper (these are usually weekly or monthly), consider taking out a classified ad. It can be as eye-catching or as subtle as you wish; even if it’s very vague, the right people will probably find it. Look at other ads before you compose your own; how explicit can you be, given the ad policy of the paper? Gauge this by the other ads, as well as by asking the paper’s ad department directly. Another resource available in many places is Craigslist; if your town doesn’t have one, go online to see what else might be available to you, including local members or affiliates of national sex- or fetish-related organizations.
A woman friend of mine wanted to have sex with women, but she felt out of place in lesbian clubs, as some bisexuals do. She placed an ad under the headline “Bi-Curious?” Soon she had not only an ongoing social group where other women like herself could meet, but also plenty of partners.
If your living room isn’t big enough for a mixer or you’re looking for only one new friend, not a multitude, you can place an ad designed to attract individuals. For tips on how to proceed, have a look at existing personals, and at books about playing the personals; an online search will lead you to several. Remember that if you really desire a partner (or someone to join you in a fling) with whom you can get into talking dirty, or who likes to watch, you need to state it in the ad, if the paper will let you, so those non-voyeuristic, non-talkative people who otherwise like the sound of you will be less likely to respond. If a partner who does like these things responds, but you don’t like him or her, you have no obligation to proceed with sexual experimentation or courtship with that person. Now that you know other people out there share your interests, you can look for someone who’s right for you.
Personal ads have a venerable history. Among groups whose sexuality lies outside an era’s social norm, ads have long been a method of seeking out people of like mind for friendship, sex, and love. I used to delight in reading gay men’s personals; many men were so explicit about what they did and didn’t want in a sex partner that I found it pleasantly shocking. I wondered why everybody else couldn’t be that upfront.
Well, we can; we just have to decide what we want, resolve that getting what we want is important, and locate a print or online publication in which we can place explicit ads. If any aspect of eroticism is so important to you that you’d mourn its absence in a relationship, write it down! In the realm of personal ads, you’re far more likely to get what you want if you tell your readers what it is. Nicola Ginzler, author of an article about personal ads, suggests some strategies as you begin planning your ad: “Writing things down, even if it’s a total jumble, can really help you figure out what you want. Saying things out loud, even if there’s no one around, can also help. And this is so obvious that I think I need to say it – say things that are true. Don’t say things that aren’t.”
What if the personals in your local weekly are full of ads from people who only want to sip champagne by candlelight and walk on the beach? What if your ad is so explicit that the paper won’t take it? It may be time to turn to the sex papers and sex-finder websites.
Every region in the United States has these – they’re often called “swingers” publications, though not all of them, strictly speaking, are. (Swinging usually refers to a heterosexual couples’ scene. If you’re single, gay, a bisexual male, or partnered with someone who doesn’t want to accompany you in the swinging scene, you’re not technically a swinger even though you may be interested in group sex or multiple partners.)
I’m using the term “publication” here, but you will find many more websites and online communities today than you will find print (or “deadtree,” as the tech-savvy sometimes say) magazines or newspapers.
The sex publications will sometimes focus on a particular sexual persuasion, like S/M, erotic crossdressing, or men with big cocks. Sometimes various sexualities will be all mixed up, or occupying their own sections, in one “general-interest” publication, although the dead-tree versions are getting ever more rare as the Internet takes over this area of partner-search. Some papers allow ads from professionals, some don’t; some restrict ads about certain kinds of sexual interest, like male/male sex. If you don’t see what you want, you may find it in a different publication or on another site, so keep looking. Often the ads are illustrated with pictures – either of the advertiser’s face, body, or just genitals or ass. Others leave it all to the imagination.
These illustrations, by the way, may be heartening for those who don’t think anyone would even want to look at a naked picture of them, much less want to meet once they saw it. Do you assume the folks who send photos are all picture-perfect? Not so! Perusing the sex ads you can see photos of people as they really are – not just the young, made-up, worked-out bodies you see in most porn, but folks who look a lot like you and your neighbors. Women and men who are older, bigger, skinnier than the Madison Avenue norm proudly let it all hang out, naked or lingerie-clad. (Sometimes it’s the men in the lingerie!) The message they send is obvious and infectious: I want to play!
Where these papers still exist, you can usually find them in adult bookstores; even if a town is too small for its own sex paper, there may still be one that covers the region. If you don’t find one, it’s time to go online.
Another way to “meet” friends who share your interests is through computer groups, bulletin boards (a.k.a. BBSs), and find-partner websites. Increasingly, computers provide hot, interesting options for connecting with like-minded others. You can engage in “computer swinging,” in which people send others explicit video clips of themselves – a moving-picture version of the Polaroids their less technologically-oriented neighbors send in to the sex papers and enclose with their contact letters when they answer an ad.
Polaroids and video are yesterday’s exhibitionist tools and toys, and the computer is today’s and (now joined by many cell phones) tomorrow’s. They allow you to have relationships with voyeurs without ever seeing them in the flesh – plenty of people send videos or photos of themselves to appreciative new “friends” they meet online or via sex papers. Some folks advertise for this alone, with no desire to meet their “partners” in the flesh.
Naturally, these toys fit just as well into ongoing exhibitionist-voyeur relationships. One of my workshop attendees told of sending explicit videos to her lover in another city, who returned a video of himself masturbating watching the video she’d sent him; today, if you prefer, you can leave the US Mail out of the picture. The next best thing to being there!
Before you commit your image to film or digital file, especially if you’re going to send it to a stranger, consider the ramifications. Will you want to run for the Senate ten years from now? How will you feel if your children stumble across it some day? Are you exhibitionistic enough that, if your picture surfaces, you can face possible public opprobrium?
If so, I’ll vote for you! If not, you’re by no means alone: many exhibitionists deal with their concern about issues like these by concealing their identities in some way before they part with a picture or a disc. A friend of mine who used to send photos of himself to potential sex partners always cut part of the face away; his new friend could tell he was good-looking, but not exactly who he was. Some people leave their faces out of the picture, either obscuring their features by position, costume (such as a mask, a veil, or a hood), or simply aiming the camera below the neck. Photoshop and other web-based image editing programs allow you to simply or artistically alter pics of yourself so you can’t be recognized. (They also allow you to fool other people about how you look in real life; please don’t do that. Someone really does want to meet and watch you just the way you are.)
There is in fact a subset of the sex community that does all of its exhibitionism and play through the media of computers, phone sex, homemade porn videos, photos and hot letters. Some folks never meet their playmates in the flesh, even if they have enjoyed long-term connections with them. This form of sexual sharing has a number of advantages. It is physically safe and can be done in ways that safeguard your privacy; you can experiment with fantasies of things you wouldn’t ordinarily do; you can remain anonymous, even in some cases let inner personas out to play that might not be believable in the flesh. Some people engage in such play without feeling they’re being unfaithful to a partner (though I should note that not all of their in-the-flesh partners would agree). If you’re so shy that the idea of meeting and getting to fourth base with a new partner is very daunting, using any of these methods may loosen you up substantially; when you’re not face to face with a partner, some of the pressure is off.
Then again, you can’t kiss your hard drive, or if you do, it won’t kiss you back. After a technological courtship, you may decide you want to meet your on-line flame in the flesh. Take some advice from personal ad authorities. Especially if you have only exchanged a letter or phone call or two with your prospective play partner from cyberspace, arrange your first face-to-face meeting in a public, neutral location. You may not want the person you are meeting to know where you live; you may not even like them, once you are both in the same room. Everyone I’ve ever talked to about meeting through the personals or any similar method agrees: trust your intuition, and be realistic about both the advantages and the risks of this type of “blind dating.”
The vast majority of people you will meet this way are honorable folks with motives very similar to yours – they want pleasant connections, fun sex, perhaps even a relationship. If you get a feeling you’ve encountered one of the few whose intentions are not good, though, just say you don’t think it’s going to work out, and leave. If you meet a new contact for a date, let someone know where you’re going and what time you expect you’ll be back. You can even arrange to check in at a certain time to let them know you’re doing fine. And avoid mixing drugs and alcohol with your first meeting with a stranger. Give your intuition a head start. None of this is pleasant to think about, but it reinforces the importance of realistic thinking and not giving personal information (that would allow you to be located in real life) to an online play partner before you know it’s safe and appropriate.
Support and Social Groups
If there are groups in your area that deal with some element of sex that interests you, get involved. Most such groups sponsor getting-to-knowyou evenings where prospective new members can come meet each other and already-established group members; many of these groups are very happy to allow you to use a pseudonym if you want to retain your privacy. If you set foot in one of these introductory gatherings with lurid fantasies about group S/M or any other kind of wild sex, you may find yourself astonished at how tame it seems! When I say “get involved,” I don’t mean “Offer to fuck everybody there”; rather, volunteer your organizing or fundraising skills, offer to help set up for the next event, and generally make yourself known and welcome. This way you’ll do in a different habitat what Abby suggests you do at church: you’ll become one of the group. From there you can get to know likely partners.
Make sure you pick a group whose members are likely to share your interests. I once ran a college gay association, the only sexuality-related organization for over a hundred miles. We ran a campus office where gays, lesbians, and bisexuals could drop in and get information, support, and referrals. Sex was not the main focus of the group, though plenty of love affairs did get started there. However, we got many calls and visits from non-gay people who figured that because we espoused an alternative sexuality we would understand their own desires. Several transsexuals contacted us, as did some heterosexual people interested in S/M, a number of heterosexual male cross-dressers, and even one married couple whose full story we never did learn – I think they were experimenting with reversing roles. We welcomed all these people, but it was clear that their desires and needs for support weren’t really being met by our organization, and I often remarked in frustration that ifonlyoneofthosefolkswerewillingtoorganizeanS/Mgroup,atransgender support group, or whatever, we would have someplace to refer the next one.
If your chief desire is to meet others with whom you can explore exhibitionism and hot talk, virtually any sex-related organization might accommodate you. But make sure you’re compatible with the group’s main interest. If you have no interest in S/M, don’t go to an S/M group to find partners; even though the members of the group will probably look favorably on your sexual desires, you might not have any interest in theirs. If you’re heterosexual, it doesn’t make much sense to go to a gay and lesbian group to look for partners; likewise, if you’re gay, you probably won’t fit in with swingers, especially if you’re male. These groups may, however, give you a referral to another organization. A few will offer support and advice so you can start an organization of your own.
A very few groups don’t structure themselves according to particular sexual orientations or interests, but instead welcome everyone who identifies as sex-positive. In the ‘60s there was the Sexual Freedom League. In the 1970s, several cities around the country sprouted Sex Information hotline organizations; people got involved not only to do useful volunteer work, but to meet others who were comfortable with sex. Anti-censorship groups are often populated by people of various interests and orientations. Many S/M groups welcome members regardless of whether they’re gay, straight, or bisexual. The ‘90s saw an upsurge of these sorts of mixed groups, and this trend continues, just as erotic art and literature has increasingly been presented in an “all-orientations-welcome” format, from grassroots ‘zines, websites, and small literary ventures to more mainstream books and publications. If you are bisexual, “PoMoSexual,” experimental, refuse to be pigeonholed, or simply appreciate and respect other peoples’ sexual choices as well as your own, you will have increasing company.
This leads me to muse briefly on a topic that may seem to contradict what I said above, about not hanging around with incompatible groups. Given that there really is more support for sexual fluidity and curiosity today than there may have been in the past, don’t decide too soon that you’re too vanilla for the BDSM club, too straight for the campus gay alliance. If you’re a supportive, sex-positive person with good boundaries, the scary leather master you meet at the S/M club might introduce you to his sister; the gay guy who welcomes you might actually be bisexual. Never assume – keep an open mind. This may even extend to your own sexual choices, but whether or not that’s the case, remember that all of us who are interested in sexuality can be some kind of community for each other. This is still especially important in small towns – I’m sure that even now, somewhere a heterosexual cross-dresser is looking up the contact information for his nearest college’s gay group. We have a world of community on the Internet – but close to home, we’ll do well to extend a hand and watch each others’ backs.
Start a sex salon, if you’re not sure how else to attract interesting, sex-positive people into your life. Run an ad; or ask a few friends to ask a few friends. Meet in a neutral place – maybe you can locate a restaurant or a coffeehouse with a separate room you can occupy. You can discuss different topics, read stories together, even gather everyone together to watch Real Sex on HBO (or, better yet, because it’s a better series, Toronto City TV’s SexTV). Friendships will flower, trysts will be arranged, relationships will form – all in an atmosphere of support and comfort about sex. Who among us couldn’t use a little more of that? A salon format bypasses any requirement for sexual activity – the idea is not to play nude Twister, but to talk about ideas, experiences, and feelings – so it can be accessible to everyone. One resource for such a group is The Sexual Attitude Restructuring Guide, which offers discussion topics and exercises aimed at helping group members become more comfortable with sex and aware of any lurking sexual prejudices they may have. Or get together to read and discuss a book like Sallie Tisdale’s Talk Dirty To Me: An Intimate Philosophy of Sex . The way Sallie weaves together personal musings and thoughtful philosophy is perfect inspiration for group discussion. (A Reader’s Group Guide is even available from her publisher.) Another great, and more recent, conversation-starter is America Unzipped: In Search of Sex & Satisfaction, published in 2008 by msnbc.com’s sex columnist Brian Alexander. I’ve heard from book groups and salons reading my books Real Live Nude Girl and PoMoSexuals; in fact, any book mentioned in this one might be a good way to get conversation and connections flowing. If you want to recommend others, you can do it at the Resources website.
Finally, you can look for an appreciative voyeur anywhere you are by becoming a little more exhibitionistic in your public presentation and keeping an eye out for the people who respond favorably to you. Your neckline can plunge a bit, your skirt can creep up slightly, you can start wearing tighter pants, more noticeable fabrics, more makeup. When you meet someone you can hold their gaze a little longer than you used to. Talk a little more openly about sexuality or use more erotic language. Don’t just flirt – show off.
You may not feel comfortable doing this everywhere, and in some places, such as work, it may even get you into hot water. There may be plenty of places in your life now where you could easily and safely incorporate your newly outgoing self, though, so look for them. And watch for who looks back.
Whether you already have an adventuresome friend or partner, have found one using my suggestions, or want to look elsewhere, your next step may be to find a venue where exhibitionistic play is appropriate and appreciated. Next we’ll go where the exhibitionism is.