I can’t stop shaking. Alex’s phone is still going straight to voicemail and there’s no answer from the landline. Cam drives too quickly and we swing about like a fairground ride as the bends come thick and fast. I glance at my phone every few minutes. I try Alex again. No answer. Just his voice.
Alex here. Well, I’m not. Do the message thing.
‘Fuck,’ I whisper. ‘Fuck, fuck, fuck.’
‘He won’t have done anything.’
My irritation flares with an explosive mix of panic and lack of sleep. ‘Why would you say that? You don’t know him and you didn’t hear him. He was so angry. Shit. What was I thinking? I should never have lied to Vicky. Never have met up with you. Of course he’d find out.’ My hand moves to my mouth and I chew nervously on the side of my nail. ‘What was I thinking?’ I whisper to myself.
Cam places his hand on my knee but I shove it away. Unfair. But I don’t care. I don’t want affection or compassion. Instead, I have an overwhelming urge to provoke him until he gets angry and turns on me, metes out the punishment I deserve.
We turn on to the road which heads up to Gulval and slow up for a tractor, which is waiting to turn into a field. The farmer is taking his time. He opens the gate then walks back to the tractor and clambers into the cab. My fingers tap my thigh rhythmically as if I’m punching out a mayday. The farmer raises a hand to thank us. Cam nods. My head fills with pictures of Vicky hurling drunken slurs at Nathan. Nathan hitting the roof. Taking it out on Alex. My dog. God. What did he mean by that? It makes me sick to think of him knowing, whilst I was oblivious, lying on a beach kissing like a horny teen until my skin grew raw with stubble rash.
‘Do you want me to come in with you? If you’re worried? Or shall I wait in the car?’
I ignore him. Ask myself again what the hell I was thinking? Why am I incapable of making normal decisions? Nathan is right. I’m hopeless. I should never be left to my own devices. Because when I am, I fuck everything up. Again and again and again.
‘Hannah? Did you hear me? Do you want me to come in with you?’
‘No. No, it’ll make things worse.’ Still I chew on the side of my finger, biting repeatedly at a small tag of skin which is now hanging free. I need to calm down before I go in. I’m all over the place, a punctured kite, careening through the air.
We pass the track that leads down to Trevaylor Woods and I hear my voice telling Cam to leave me alone.
You and I don’t get to live happily ever after.
The mist in my head clears and any lurking thoughts of ending my sham marriage dissolve. All I care about is my son and my dog. I know – as I’ve always known – that I’ll say anything, and do anything, to keep them safe.
‘Stop here,’ I say.
‘Sorry?’
‘Stop the car!’
He breaks abruptly and we lurch forward in our seats. I unclip my seatbelt. Cam does the same then reaches for his door handle.
‘No. Just go.’
‘What if he hurts you?’
‘Not his style.’
‘But it’s his style to threaten your dog?’ He grabs hold of my wrist.
I flinch, take a deep breath, and firmly pull my arm away. ‘He won’t have hurt her.’
Am I telling Cam or myself?
I glance nervously up the lane, half expecting to see my husband thundering down towards us. ‘You need to go. I promise you he isn’t going to hurt me.’ These words come out assured, hard as iron, but underneath I’m fighting a sliver of doubt. It’s always been there, that question mark over whether or not he’ll one day flip. ‘Honestly, it’ll be fine. I just need to talk to him.’
I pull back my wrist, but he holds firm.
‘Cam,’ I whisper. ‘Let go of me.’
At last he nods reluctantly and his fingers release me.
I jog up to the house, heart hammering, legs shaky, and pull open the back door. Her basket is empty and there’s no sign of her in the kitchen. I run through to the hallway and check the utility room.
Nothing.
‘Cass!’
My voice echoes in the silence. The house is unlit and the light from the windows does little to ease the dullness. There’s a single lamp on in Nathan’s study. My blood chills instantly as I think of Nathan’s father.
‘Don’t be stupid,’ I whisper, and force myself to walk towards the study. I push the door open quickly and check the floor for dead fathers-in-law. He’s not there and I wrap my arms around my body and walk into the room, drawn to the picture on the wall, at the hunters staring at me with pitying looks on their stylised faces.
‘Oh, you silly girl,’ I hear them say in unison.
‘If you’re looking for the dog it’s not here.’
His voice makes me jump and I spin around. He’s standing in the doorway, hands hanging limp at his sides, rage simmering.
I take a breath and try keeping my voice light, though it’s almost impossible. ‘Where is she?’
‘Idiot animal got into the wheelie bin and found the poisoned voles. She knocked the damn thing over. Rubbish everywhere. Ran off with the bag and hasn’t come back.’
‘What? What do you mean?’
‘I mean, your dog pulled over the bin and I spent an hour picking up rubbish strewn over the driveway.’
Panic digs sharpened claws into me. God. Cass. My poor girl. Picturing her out there, collapsed, poisoned, dying or already dead, leaves me weak with nausea.
‘Where’s Alex?’
‘In his room,’ Nathan says darkly. ‘Locked himself in there. I thought he might look for the dog – I actually thought he cared about the flea-ridden creature – but evidently, like his mother, he doesn’t seem to care about anything but himself.’
I can’t speak. I want Cass back. I want her safe and not lying in agony somewhere, wondering why I’m not there to help her. Christ. My stomach seizes as if I’ve got cramps. I push past him and run up the stairs taking them two at a time.
‘Alex!’ I call. ‘Alex, are you OK?’
When I reach the landing, he flings open the door and falls into my arms. His face is flushed and sweaty, eyes puffy, cheeks marked with dried-up tear tracks.
‘What happened?’ I say, smoothing his hair away from where it’s stuck to his hot, damp skin.
‘Cass is gone. She ate poison. He said she pulled the bin over but she wouldn’t do that. She never does that. He said it was her own stupid fault if she died. He said she ran away, but she wouldn’t, would she? She never runs away. Why would she run away? He took my phone. He smashed it. He went mental. I’ve never seen him like that before. I ran up here and locked the door and he was banging on it. What’s he done to Cass?’ The words pour out of him in a torrent.
I pull him close and hold him tight as I try to think straight.
‘He knows you were with Cam.’
‘I know.’
‘Why didn’t you tell me?’
I don’t reply.
‘He’s killed Cass, Mum.’