Jace parked in front of his mom’s house. Another goodbye to check off his list, and he was still reeling from the last one. From seeing Mackenzie so upset and knowing he was the cause. Why had he stayed on at Wilder Ranch?
He should have listened to her from the start. She’d been right. There was no “just friends” when it came to the two of them. He didn’t have that button with Kenzie Rae. It was all or nothing.
Jace wanted all of her, but she wanted nothing to do with him if he planned to keep riding. They were at a stalemate.
After knocking on his mom’s door, Jace tried the knob. It twisted in his grip, so he stepped inside. “Mom.” His bellow echoed and slammed against the walls of the small living room.
“Back here,” she called out from down the hall, appearing a few seconds later in pink-and-green-plaid pajama pants and a robe, her shoulder-length hair disheveled.
“You okay?”
She waved a hand. “I’m fine. Just had a tough night—that’s all. You know I have trouble sleeping sometimes.” Her lungs clamored for air, the wheezing taking a knife to Jace’s already weighted-with-guilt chest. “I’m going to make a cup of tea. Warm liquid usually helps calm things down. Do you want anything?”
It was at least ninety degrees out, so no, Jace didn’t. “I’m good, thanks.” He followed his mom through the doorway and into the kitchen. Her hands shook ever so slightly as she got out a mug, warmed up water and decided which kind of tea to have.
“Mom, you’ve got to take better care of yourself.” Jace tempered his scolding with a quiet tone and hopefully some grace he didn’t feel. “I’ve been talking to you about this all summer. It’s part of why I came back to Westbend.” And now he was leaving and obviously hadn’t accomplished anything. Not if her symptoms were still keeping her up at night.
She bobbed the tea bag in the water. “I’m fine, honey. You don’t need to worry.”
“What has the doctor told you recently? Because I can tell your symptoms are worsening.”
“Dr. Sanderson said I’m doing fine. As fine as I can be while fighting this disease. You can call him yourself and ask.”
And wasn’t that the worst of it? The emphysema had a mind of its own. Jace couldn’t prevent it from worsening. He could only push her to slow down, and hope and pray it helped.
Mom opened the fridge and added a squeeze of lemon to her tea. “Are you really going to get after me when you’re planning to hightail it out of here and go back to the very thing that injured you?” She let out a huff. “Jace, I don’t think you get to suggest I make changes unless you make some, too.”
This was not how he’d wanted this conversation to go. He’d been hoping for you’re right and I’ll slow down. “My stuff is different.”
Smile cresting, she picked up her tea and patted him lightly on the cheek. “Okay, honey.” She moved into the living room and sat on the sofa, and he paced in front of it.
“You could at least quit one of your jobs, Mom.”
“Which one? I like both of them.”
Jace barely resisted rolling his eyes. “Keep the one that’s less stressful and pays you more. Quit the after-hours stocking at the five-and-dime.”
She took a sip of tea and shrugged. “I actually like working, Jace. It keeps me busy. Gives me something to live for. People to see. What do you want me to do? Hole up in this house and die?”
Jace was beginning to grow a headache, and this time he had no doubt as to the reason for it. “I want you to live, Mom. Take a walk. Volunteer somewhere, if that makes you happy. But there’s no need to continue working two jobs. I’ve sent you enough money that you shouldn’t have to.”
She plunked her mug onto the side table and squared her shoulders in his direction. “I’ve never used any of that money.”
“What?”
“I put it aside. It’s yours, and I never wanted it. I put it into a separate savings account. It’s been earning pretty good interest.”
No way. Jace dropped onto the other end of the couch. “The whole point of me sending that money was to alleviate some of your stress.” He stopped to swallow, to will his voice down from angry to reasonable. “Allow you to work less. Heal. Give your body a break.”
“I know. But I really didn’t need it. And it was nice having it in case of an emergency. It did provide that comfort for me.” Mom cradled her tea and shifted so that she leaned back against the armrest and faced him on the couch. “I love you for watching out for me. You and Evan both. You’re the best sons I could ever ask for. And you’re not one thing like your father, either one of you. I’d love to take credit for that, but I’m starting to think it was just the grace of God. That He watched out for and protected you two. Kept you from bad choices. Even with Evan’s accident, I can look back and see so many ways that God was in his recovery details. For a long time I thought God had abandoned us. But now I know He didn’t.”
It was so good to hear his mom talk about God like this. To know she’d found her way back after the hard stuff she’d endured. Jace wasn’t sure how to respond about the money, but he did know that.
“I was thinking the money would make a nice down payment on a place for you one day. I thought maybe...maybe you’d come back to Westbend.”
Jace had considered buying a place near Westbend, once or twice over the years. But at the time, coming home with Mackenzie still angry at him hadn’t exactly been a draw.
And now he was right back to square one with her.
He winced thinking about how he’d asked her to wait for him. Her reply had been spot-on. For how long? He didn’t know. And he shouldn’t expect her to sit around, pining for him, after all of this time.
“You don’t have to tell me what you do with it. But it’s yours. It’s there when you need it.”
“Fine.” What was the point in arguing? “But will you just consider going down to one job? Just...pray about it.”
Her eyes crinkled at the corners. “Pulling out the big guns, are ya?”
“Maybe. I’m not saying you have to use the money. But if you do decide to slow down a little, it could still be there as a backup. And you should keep any interest, because that was all you.”
Her head shook as her smile grew. “You always were very convincing, even as a kid.” The home phone rang, and she pushed up from the couch, snagging it from the top of the TV cabinet. “It’s your brother.”
“Don’t answer!” Missed calls from Evan had been piling up on Jace’s phone, more so in the last two weeks. “I don’t want him to know I’m here. I don’t want to talk to him.” More like he didn’t want to hear what his brother had to say.
“Are you crazy? Of course I’m answering. He’s usually someplace where he can’t call.” She switched the receiver on and greeted Evan.
Jace stood. He should really get going. Things—like that goodbye to Mackenzie—kept stretching out, taking up extra time. But he couldn’t exactly sneak out while his mom was on the phone, could he?
“He wants to talk to you.” She held out the receiver, and Jace muffled a groan.
How could he say no? The phone was being jiggled under his nose. Evan could probably hear if he so much as inhaled.
Jace would just have to make it quick. He palmed the receiver. “Hey, E. What’s up?”
“Heard you’re a big ole mess, little brother.” Evan’s teasing came through the line clear, and with it a slew of childhood memories. Times his brother had stood up for him. Protected him. Times they’d played army as boys. Rode their bikes until the mountains swallowed the sun.
“Nothing I didn’t learn from you.” Their exchange felt like home, and Jace’s shoulders notched down as his brother’s familiar laughter sounded. “Where are you this week?”
“Appalachian Trail. I’m about to take out a group.”
“That’s great.” Evan had found a way up and through his handicap and now led trips for others who were recovering from various traumas. He’d done amazing things with his life, and what did Jace have to show for his own?
Not much at the moment.
“Mom says you’re going back to riding and she thinks you shouldn’t.”
Jace stepped outside and copped a seat on the front step. So much for getting out of town quickly.
“Mom is just overconcerned.”
“Really? No one else is? What’s your doctor say?”
I’d quit now... I’ve seen too many lives taken or changed forever by this sport. Jace didn’t want to lie, but he also didn’t plan to share that information with Evan.
“That bad, huh?”
“No. It’s just... He gave me some advice. But you know bull riding. It’s a guessing game. I could come back and have my best season yet.”
“Or the worst.”
“Thanks for the vote of confidence.”
“That’s not what I meant, and you know it. It’s not about you or your skill level. Things just happen in bull riding that are out of your control. What is it that’s pulling you back to riding? The money? Competing? Because you don’t know what else you’d do? I’ll help with Mom if you level with me.”
All of the above and more. Discomfort shimmied up Jace’s spine.
“And if you can’t tell me why you have to go back now, then help me understand why you picked up the sport in the first place. I’ve always wondered...” Quiet tension expanded. “J, did you start competing because of me?” His brother didn’t tiptoe into an awkward conversation; he leaped.
That scene from their childhood flashed back—Evan sprawled out on the floor, his face red with frustration. “You told me to, remember?”
“I told you to? When did I ever say something like that?”
“After your accident. You were upset. Tearing down the posters in your room. You told me to live your dreams. To not let anything hold me back.”
“Huh. That’s not how I remember it.”
A golf ball jammed Jace’s throat. “How do you remember it?”
“I was angry.”
“I’ve got that part down.”
“Grieving a childhood dream. You walked in on your two legs, and I was upset at the thought that you didn’t realize what you had. No one really does until it’s gone. I may have said something about being thankful for your abilities or chasing your dreams. Or even mine. I’m not sure. But I didn’t mean for you to ride bulls because of me. I was still a kid, J. I was mad at the world, and my rampage really didn’t have anything to do with you.” A sigh rang in his ear. “I’m sure I just wanted you to live, to take advantage of what you had.”
The ball of worry slid into his gut and expanded. Evan actually made sense. Jace had never been able to remember the exact words his brother had spoken. Only the way they’d been fired at him. The heat behind them. The guilt he’d felt. Jace had seen the posters, the loss of his brother’s dream, and he’d wanted to make that up to him somehow. As if pursuing riding would wipe out his part in what had happened.
“Your accident was my fault, you know.”
A beat of silence followed his declaration. “Really? How do you figure that? Did you give the mower a shove?”
“Of course not.” Jace swallowed, wishing it would add some moisture to his dry-as-a-bone mouth. “It was my job to mow that day. If I would have done my—”
“Then maybe you would have lost your leg instead of me?”
“I wouldn’t have, because I wasn’t allowed to use the riding mower.”
“Oh, J. I knew it was your job. But you were a kid. I also knew it would take me half the time on the neighbor’s mower, so I did it for you. It shouldn’t have been a big deal. Dad was such a jerk when we were growing up. Never around and worthless when he was. I probably felt some sense of responsibility regarding you. We’re all messed up in our own ways, brother. Just because you didn’t mow doesn’t make the accident your fault. I’m the one who was completely distracted that day. I’m the one who didn’t turn the thing off before checking why it wasn’t running right. If I could go back and do things differently, I would, but it happened. I can’t change that, and I’m not about to sit at home and cry all day. At least not anymore. I have a life, and I’m living it. Are you living yours? Or are you living mine?”
Yours died on the tip of Jace’s tongue. But was that true? He did love bull riding. The sport had become his somewhere along the way.
“I’m not going to tell you to quit,” Evan continued.
“You’d be the first, then.”
“But just...think before you go back. You’ve had a great career. There’s nothing wrong with retiring before it takes you down for good. I know this sport. I know what it does to guys, how it messes up their bodies. If continuing is about what happened to me in any way, it doesn’t need to be. Because you and I... We’re good. If there’s anyone to blame for my accident, it’s me. I knew better than to handle anything the way I did. It was stupid. A fluke. But it wasn’t your fault.”
Jace’s cheeks were damp, his heart pounding as his brother signed off.
After Jace left and the vet finished up, Mackenzie sent her brother a panicked text that she needed a minute—or more like an hour—and escaped.
But her escape wasn’t from Wilder Ranch; it was to it.
The earthy smell, the crisp, clean mountain air and hot summer breeze had all unwound her. Going for a ride had, like nothing else would, righted her world.
Mackenzie couldn’t give up this place. And if Jace loved riding as much as she loved Wilder Ranch, then it made sense that he couldn’t quit that dream. Even for her. Even with his head injury. She should be able to accept that and realize it wasn’t about her.
But it felt like it was.
Big-time.
All of these years she’d been wrong—it wasn’t the note that had caused the most pain. It was the fact that Jace had left in the first place. Because this round was just as painful. Maybe even more so because she’d realized that she still loved the man.
He was the one. And yet...he couldn’t be. Not when he was determined to risk life and limb for a stupid sport. Mackenzie couldn’t wrap her brain around that.
She led Buttercup back to the corral and removed her saddle. Sable came to check her out, nosing around her shirt. “I didn’t bring you a treat, girl. I’m not your boy. He left us for greener pastures.”
The ride had helped, but it hadn’t dissolved the wretched war wound of Jace’s departure. It was still there, pulsing inside her, cramming her throat.
She needed something good, something pure and full of hope to wash away the encounter she’d had with Jace an hour ago.
God, if You have any comfort to send my way, any wisdom, I’ll take it.
Gladly.
“Hey.” Luc’s voice came from close by.
She turned. “I didn’t hear you coming this way.”
“Called your name twice.”
Oops. Mackenzie exited the corral and placed her saddle on the ground. Luc had Everly with him—her hair was darker and fuller. A good thing since it helped in telling the girls apart.
“Can I hold her?”
“Of course.” Luc handed the baby over immediately, and Mackenzie snuggled Everly into her arms like a football. Dark chocolate eyes peered up at her. This would work for something pure and sweet to ease the pain thrumming through her veins.
“I can’t get over how much they look like Cate.”
Luc’s cheeks creased. “And we’re all thankful for it.” He nudged her saddle with his boot. “How was the ride? Did it work?”
“Fine. Yes and no.” She was still drowning, even though there was no water in sight.
“How are you feeling about Jace leaving?”
“Like I don’t want to talk about it.” Mackenzie stared at Everly’s perfect little features instead of her brother. Pink lips formed an O shape and then slid into something close to a smile. Probably gas, but Mackenzie would take it.
“I’m shocked.”
A short laugh escaped.
“Are you done being angry at me for hiring him?”
“Nope.” If Luc hadn’t hired Jace, then her body wouldn’t currently be registering at trampled-by-a-herd-of-cattle levels.
“I thought the two of you were finally going to figure things out, make it work. And then you’d owe me forever and ever because it was all my doing.”
Mackenzie attempted a smile, the movement slow—like creaky old hinges that barely budged. “You’d like that, wouldn’t you? It’s hard to be with someone who won’t stick around.”
“That’s what you’re upset about? Jace going back to riding? Why? That’s his job. Of course he’s going to go back.”
Mackenzie barely resisted a groan. Men. “I know that. But he had a pretty major head injury when he got here, and it’s not fully healed. And I doubt his arm is ready to go either. Partially rehabbed seems to be good enough for him. What if he gets tossed from a bull again? Another concussion right now would cause even more damage. How much more can he take before it affects him forever?”
“I’m assuming you said all of that and he didn’t listen.”
She nodded.
“Then you tried. He made his decision, even if it is a poor one in your opinion. So why don’t you just love him through it? You already do. Might as well let yourself.”
Everly made a sweet complaint, so Mackenzie switched the baby to her shoulder and lightly patted her back. “I don’t...” What was the point of fighting it? Had she ever not loved Jace? It had been seven years, and no, she’d never fallen out of love with the man the way she’d fallen in. Last time she’d thought he didn’t love her back when he left. But this time she knew better. He’d been keeping his feelings in check, just like she had been.
He’d asked her to wait...and she’d said no. No, because it wasn’t convenient for her to live without him in the waiting. No, because she was afraid he’d hurt himself.
She should have said yes.
“Is Jace getting injured again going to change how you feel about him?”
“No.” It wasn’t. But it could hurt like crazy. “Since when are you such an expert on love?”
“Since I almost lost Cate for the second time, and you didn’t let me. You fought me on that, and you were right.”
Her mouth bowed, this time fluid, easy. “Wait. Say that again. I was what?”
“You were right. And now I’m right. Because I have never seen you even remotely interested in someone else the way you are with Jace. There are no comparisons, because there hasn’t ever been anyone else for you. Amiright?”
“Did you just mush that together like a teenager?”
“Yep. Nailed it, too.”
“You are such a dork.” She didn’t want to give Luc the satisfaction of finding his lame joke funny, but humor surfaced.
“Now’s when you can admit how right I am.”
Not out loud. Definitely not out loud. “Nope.” Her eyes were wet, her smile wobbly. And her brother just let it all slide.
He hugged her. “Okay, stubborn.” Everly was tucked between them, so Luc left room for her. She twisted her head to figure out what was happening, and Luc pressed a kiss to the baby’s hair before letting go, backing up.
“Even if things don’t work out with Jace, you’ve got us, Kenzie. And God. He’s consistent. Even when we don’t feel like He’s with us, He still is.”
That was the truth that gave her the most hope, the most peace. “Thanks. I’m doing better at remembering that.”
Everly fussed and sucked on her hand.
“I should get her back. Think it’s time to feed them. Cate’s been sticking to a pretty tight schedule, or we all lose our minds.”
Mackenzie handed the bundle over to Luc, immediately missing Everly’s comfort and the scent of her fruity baby shampoo.
“Are you going to be all right?”
“I think so.” Maybe. Hopefully. Especially if she figured out the answers to a few other questions. Like...did she really believe that Jace loved her? That the man had legit reasons holding him captive, making him choose the rodeo over her all over again? And that loving him through this hard time might be one of the best things she’d ever done?
Mackenzie thought maybe yes.
Definitely yes.
“Think you can live without me for a couple of days?”
A knowing grin ignited. She didn’t have to explain anything more. Luc understood. “We can probably make that work.”