How long were weddings supposed to last? The reception had been in full swing for an hour and a half, and Mackenzie was as drained as if she’d been moving cattle all day.
“You’re not supposed to show up the bride, you know.”
Dad approached, smooched her cheek and hugged her. Just like that, all of her strung-tight muscles and nerves from having to be “on” tonight and engage in endless amounts of small talk unraveled.
“Thanks, Dad.” His hair had grown grayer since the last time her parents had visited. His mustache, too. The man was the quintessential cowboy. Rugged and strong and dependable. “And thanks a lot for making me laugh at the beginning of the ceremony.” After Dad had given Emma away, he’d turned and flashed a goofy expression at her before retreating to his seat next to Mom.
“I did nothing of the sort.” His attempt at innocence failed and fizzled.
She motioned to her face. “Did you see they put all of this goop on me?”
“You look pretty with it and without it.”
“Well, aren’t you diplomatic today?” She looped her arm through his and watched as the guests mixed and mingled, leaning on him, wondering when she could trade all of this in for a movie and pajamas.
“What’s on your mind, Kenzie-girl?”
She straightened. “What do you mean?”
He glanced sideways at her. “I mean, I know when something is going on with you. And something is. I’m just not sure what. With all of the wedding madness, I haven’t been able to figure it out.” He scanned the wedding guests, landing on Jace, who was talking to Vera and some other staff members. “Wouldn’t have anything to do with a certain bull rider, would it?”
Was she that transparent? “No.”
Her dad’s low chuckle warmed and comforted.
“Maybe.” A golf ball lodged in her throat. “I tried to pretend like everything was okay when he left. That I was happy for him. And I am—was—happy he could chase his dreams. But his leaving broke me, I think. And I’m not sure if I can...” If I can... What? Get over him? Move on? Let him back in? All of the above.
Dad patted her hand. “I’m not partial to anyone who hurts my kids. Any of them. Because of course I don’t have favorites.” He winked at her. “The last thing I want is for you to be hurting, baby girl.” The endearment stemmed from when she and Luc had been in the womb—described as baby girl and baby boy—but her brother’s nickname hadn’t stuck like hers. “I think maybe...” Dad’s exhale held sorrow “...maybe Jace was just a kid doing his best back when he left for the rodeo. His dad sure didn’t set much of an example for him.”
“True.” Victor Hawke had drunk himself into an oblivion for most of Jace’s upbringing, and then that same vice had brought about his demise when he’d been killed in a bar fight. Nothing like the childhood Mackenzie had been granted. But her sympathy and compassion for Jace didn’t make him safe. “I’m afraid to find out...” Why he really left. “I’m just...afraid.” A bitter taste swamped her mouth.
“You’ve never been afraid of anything. As a baby, you climbed everything you could. Finagled a way out of your crib at a year old. I found you on the countertop more than once. You scared the living daylights out of me on more occasions than I can count.”
“So you’re saying I’ve turned into a wuss?”
Humor swept over her dad’s features. “I’m saying maybe this is important to you for it to matter this much. For it to scare you like this.”
A sigh escaped. “I don’t like this conversation anymore.”
He shifted to face her, his warm, strong hands squeezing her arms. “My girl can tackle anything. That much I do know. Especially with God by your side.” He gave her a pointed look—one that said, Dive all in. Go for it. Grab a little of Vera’s mind-set and leap.
After another hug, he left her standing alone. No doubt so that she could follow through and stop chickening out.
His message was right on, and Mackenzie knew it. She could handle the truth with God’s help, no matter what it was. And if what Jace had to say was horrible, at least that would give her a reason to steer clear of him, to stop falling for him all over again.
Ever aware of Mackenzie’s whereabouts, Jace watched her approach from across the crowd. She beelined for him, and his heart gave a big ole thump in his chest, so loud he was surprised wedding guests didn’t turn to see what had caused the ruckus.
Kenzie stopped a step behind him, as if she didn’t intend to break up the circle of conversation he was a part of but wanted his attention.
She had it. He eased back from the group, entering the Mackenzie zone that sucked him in like a black hole. “You okay?”
“Can I talk to you for a minute?”
About more work stuff? Why not. “Sure. What’s up?”
Skittish. That was what she was, with her eyes flitting this way and that. Her hands wringing. “We might have to talk somewhere else. I’m not sure this is the best spot.”
“Okay. Why? What’s this about?” Alarm bells clanged, his intuition on high alert.
She released a pent-up breath. “I’m ready to know.”
Jace angled his head. “Ready to know what?”
“Why you left the way you did.”
Mackenzie’s declaration blindsided him like a hoof to the back of his skull. All this time he’d tried to talk to her, to be open and honest with her, and now she wanted to have this conversation here? After he’d basically given up on forcing her to discuss anything regarding their past?
“You want to talk about this now? At your sister’s wedding?”
She shrugged. “Why not? Gage and Emma are so enthralled with each other, I’m surprised honey isn’t leaking from their pores. They won’t notice if we take off for a few minutes.” Her eyebrows arched. “Why? Do you need more time? It’s not like you have to get your story straight. I want the truth, Hawke. I can handle it.”
She might be able to, but what if he couldn’t?
When Jace had first tried to tell Mackenzie his reasons, she’d still been white-hot-ember mad at him. Any confession of how much he used to love her would have been safe because neither of them were remotely close to those feelings at that time.
But telling her now that they were getting along... It felt like restarting something they were working very hard not to go anywhere near.
Despite his stumbling earlier tonight, Jace’s plans still hadn’t changed.
Still...he owed Mackenzie an explanation. So he’d just have to figure out how to be careful with her—with both of them—and speak the truth at the same time.
Two hours later Mackenzie dropped onto the couch in her cabin and used the remote to turn on the TV, then the DVD player. She’d fallen asleep during Tombstone the other night, so she cued it up to around the spot she’d dropped off. Not that it mattered. She’d seen the movie so many times she had it memorized.
Earlier her conversation with Jace had stalled before it even had a chance to start, because Boone had interrupted them, panicked.
Mackenzie couldn’t decide if she was relieved or annoyed by that.
Probably a bit of both. Relieved that she didn’t have to hear the truth, especially if it was hurtful. Annoyed that they hadn’t just gotten the whole thing over and done. That she still didn’t know.
But at some point it would happen. Jace would tell her his whys, and she’d either break or...not break.
Boone had been rattled because he and some of the other staff had been—unbeknownst to Mackenzie—decorating Gage’s Jeep Grand Cherokee for the bride and groom’s departure.
Someone had decided they should fill the inside with balloons.
Someone had sneaked Gage’s key fob from his bag inside the lodge, planning to return it without anyone being the wiser.
And then someone had lost the key fob during the decorating.
At first Mackenzie had thought the whole thing was a bunch of drama over nothing. Emma was happy and married, and if she and Gage had to leave in another vehicle, the smitten girl would barely even notice.
But then Mackenzie had realized that Emma’s overnight bag was in the locked Jeep. She and Gage were staying at a bed-and-breakfast for the night, and Gage’s parents were watching Hudson at his place.
The overnight bag being inside the Jeep turned the situation into a wedding emergency.
Thankfully Emma and Gage had been—and still were—blissfully unaware of the crisis.
Jace, the man who kept surprising her, had taken the lead for finding the key fob.
He’d collected flashlights and directed them all in a methodical manner. And he’d been the one to finally find the fob—which had been buried in the grass underneath the vehicle, near the front-passenger-side tire.
And just as strange as Jace taking over...Mackenzie had let him. Which for her was...big. Like it or not, she was letting him back into her life.
The whole night had left her feeling abnormally emotional.
Coming home to a cabin void of her sparkly, happy sister hadn’t helped anything. Emma’s things had been moved over to Gage’s earlier this week, and now with the snap of her fingers and a marriage certificate, she was gone for good.
Having the two-bedroom cabin all to herself should be more appealing to Mackenzie, but it wasn’t. “Buck up, woman. Seriously. You’re turning into a whimpering fool.”
This sentimental stuff was for the birds.
But even with the changes, for the first time in a long time, Mackenzie still felt comforted. At peace. Her dad’s words tonight had hit home for her. With God by your side. The short phrase had reminded her that even when she felt alone, she never really was. Sure she’d been left behind a time or two, but never by God. He was her constant. Her strength.
Rap-rap-rap. At the knock on her front door, she jolted upright. Who was still up? And what emergency was she needed for now?
Mackenzie had changed into gray yoga pants and a T-shirt that read Country Roads Take Me Home after the wedding reception, removed the bobby pins, tossed her hair into a ponytail and scrubbed the goop from her face. She might not be ready for another wedding, but she was presentable enough.
She opened the door to find Jace on her step. He had an Angela’s pizza box in his hands, and her taste buds clanged like symbols.
He’d changed out of his button-up shirt, crisp jeans and boots into a more casual T-shirt and worn jeans. The earlier outfit... Well, she’d noticed him in it. That was for sure.
This one had the same effect.
The front porch light shone into his eyes, which were full of something Mackenzie couldn’t name if she tried.
“What’s going on?” Everything from the wedding had been cleaned up. It was late and she was tired.
He shifted from one foot to the other. “We didn’t get to have our conversation.”
“It’s fine. Really. We can another day.” Mackenzie didn’t have it in her to do this right now.
Jace raised the box. “This is your bribe. We walk and talk, then food. I had to call in a favor to pick it up late. Last pizza they made tonight.”
Low blow. She was a sucker for Angela’s. And just like he seemed to know and remember all things about her, Jace had her figured out.
“Either get some shoes or you can go barefoot.”
Should she claim a headache? Aunt Flo? That second one would really scare him off. Or she could snatch the pizza box out of his hands and slam the door.
Humor surfaced.
“Oh, boy. Do I even want to know what you’re thinking?”
“Probably not.” The pizza won her over. “Can you put that in the oven on low while I find some shoes?”
“Put it in the oven still in the box?”
“Sure.” She was already halfway to her room. “It will be fine. It’s just to keep it warm.” Mackenzie fumbled through her disorganized shoes. She found one rubber flip-flop, and it took her another thirty seconds to find the other tucked under a boot. She slid them on and walked out to find Jace fiddling with the oven.
“Know what you’re doing there, Hawke?”
“Think so.”
“You’ve got it too hot.” Mackenzie dialed the knob back.
It was a small appliance because of the lack of space in the cabin, but he’d managed to slide the box inside. “What kind did you get?” The garlic, tomato and other spices were begging her to steal a piece right now.
“Hawaiian.”
Her favorite. Of course.
The two of them stepped outside, shutting the door, trapping in the Italian aroma. Dry grass crunched under their steps as Mackenzie inhaled the scent of pine. Rain had been sparse this summer. Not an unusual occurrence for Colorado, but they could use some moisture.
They took the lane that led through the trees and past various empty cabins, small landscape lights casting a warm glow on the path. Everything was quiet. Deserted.
What would Jace confess? That he’d fallen out of love with her and hadn’t known how to admit it? Maybe there’d been another girl. Her list of guesses for why he’d left the way he had was long and imaginative.
And about to be answered.
“Did you know that I was supposed to mow the lawn the day Evan was injured?” Jace shuddered at the revelation that had owned him for so long. Nothing like diving right into the past.
Mackenzie’s brow puckered, and her footsteps momentarily hesitated. Her head shook slowly as they resumed walking. “No. You never told me that.”
“I’d been hanging out with a friend that morning, and Evan had been working at the feed store. But when I came home, instead of mowing like I was supposed to, I started playing video games.” Jace had saved up his money for that stupid game console that he hadn’t known would cause so much trouble. “Mom was at work. She wasn’t there to nag me, so I let the chore slide. Figured I’d do it later or the next day. When Evan came home, he must have realized I hadn’t gotten it done. Instead of hounding me about it, he just...did it. I’m not sure if Mom had asked him to or if he just thought I was skirting it like a little brother. Which I was.”
“Oh, J.” Mackenzie’s fingers brushed against his. And then her hand slid inside his and squeezed. He held on, silently begging her not to let go. He needed her support in order to continue this conversation.
Jace had assumed it would get easier with time, but it hadn’t. Maybe it never would.
Mackenzie kept pace and didn’t pull away from him as they walked past cabins and pines, the deserted spaces blurring as the regret of that time consumed him.
“Evan mowed for a number of the neighbors, and one of them let him use their riding mower on our lawn. I didn’t have permission to borrow the rider, so I would have used the simple push mower. But Evan...” He’d borrowed the monster that had turned on him.
Mackenzie’s swift intake of breath was burdened. “I wish you would have said something.”
“What would it have mattered? What happened couldn’t be changed.”
“Maybe. But that’s a lot for a kid to bear.”
“I was fifteen! I should have known better.” Images of his brother in the hospital flared. The flat sheet, the leg that should have continued below his knee but didn’t. His brother’s eyes, so bloodshot, so panicked.
“Evan had always loved bull riding. He had posters of famous riders in his room. He followed the sport religiously. When he lost that chance...I think it shattered something in him. I know it shattered something in me watching it all happen. Knowing I could have prevented it.”
“But—”
“I get that my theory may seem unreasonable.” Jace cut her off before she could go on about how illogical it was that he shouldered the blame or believed he could have changed things. “And if it were someone else telling it, I’d be able to say the usual stuff—of course, it’s not your fault. Things happen. But emotionally...that just doesn’t ring true. The what-ifs and the blame... They’ve become a part of me, and I don’t think they’re ever going to let go.”
“I want to disagree with you. To repeat the truths you just listed—that you couldn’t have changed things, that it’s not your fault. But I also get what you’re saying. I’m sure I’d be the same way if I were in your shoes.”
They followed the lane as it turned toward the barn and corral. “There was a horrible day after the accident, when Evan started tearing apart his room. He ripped down the posters, threw his winning belt buckles against the wall. He basically raged, and I didn’t blame him. He slumped against the side of his bed, sprawled out on the floor and pointed at me. Told me to live. To chase his dreams for him. So that’s what I did.”
Jace stopped to face Mackenzie, and their hands disconnected. He missed her contact instantly. Trees surrounded them, the forest a blanket with the moon and stars sprinkling through. “That’s why I left. I had to follow his dreams for him because he couldn’t.” Unwelcome emotion closed off his windpipe. “I tried to talk to you about competing at the next level a couple of times, but it wasn’t easy to bring up the conversation because...I didn’t want to leave you. We talked about the future so much. And I wanted that, too. I was torn, confused.” He held her gaze, willing her to believe him. “So I took the coward’s way out. I left you the note because if I would have tried to say goodbye, I would never have been able to walk away from you.”
Her arms had crossed during his speech, and her hands now rubbed up and down her skin, which rippled with goose bumps. She looked to the side, gathering herself, her emotions, maybe even her anger. Jace wasn’t sure what all was rolling through that pretty head of hers.
“I didn’t think dating long-distance or between rodeos was an option, because I was afraid I’d never commit to bull riding. That I’d always be homesick for you. So I thought it was best to cut all ties.”
“Why did you call me? After?”
Those first few weeks rushed back. Jace had been nauseated over leaving. He’d missed Mackenzie with a physical ache he hadn’t known was possible. It had been so hard not talking to her, not knowing how she was. Twice he’d tried her, both praying she’d answer and praying she wouldn’t. Torn over the need to hear her voice and the need to make a clean enough break that he’d actually find a way to compete, to do well at the sport Evan had loved so much.
“Because I missed you like crazy.”
Mackenzie pressed the toe of her flip-flop into the ground and twisted. “I thought...” Storm clouds brewed in her eyes when she lifted her chin. “I always thought you didn’t love me anymore and you weren’t sure how to tell me.”
“Impossible.” The word slipped out before Jace could stop it or temper it or downgrade it. They weren’t supposed to be entering this territory in the present, but he couldn’t lie about the past. “That was never the case. It was the opposite. I loved you so much, but I also had to follow Evan’s dreams.”
Mackenzie had stepped forward, into his space. Her fingertips scooted along his jaw, and Jace’s lungs quit on him. Neither of them spoke. Neither moved. Mackenzie just explored him for a minute. Touching his hair, his shoulder, the blank space his cast had recently occupied. He let himself slide hands up her arms and drink in her soft, smooth skin. And then they were kissing. Jace wasn’t sure who had started it. He really didn’t care about unimportant details like that, because they were wrapped up in each other, her hands looped behind his neck, his raking up her spine. He would swallow her up if he could. Jace’s theory and memories of kissing Kenzie... They didn’t do the real thing justice in the least.
“Kenzie Rae.” He tried to pull back, to be the logic.
“Shut up, J.” And then her mouth was on his again, and he was drowning in her. She was all spice and fire and energy. How was a man supposed to resist?
The kiss softened and slowed, and the two of them parted but stayed close, his pulse as dramatic as a teenager.
There’d been a moment at Colby’s place when Jace had wondered if Mackenzie had gotten the wrong impression from him. If for some reason she’d begun to think he might not go back to bull riding. Since then, whenever that particular worry had popped up, he’d quickly dismissed it. Of course Mackenzie knew. He’d never led her to think anything else.
But then...why had she kissed him?
“You know I’m leaving, right?” The truth tumbled out, not at all how he’d meant to say it. He’d wanted to be honest, protect her.
By the spark of pain he’d just witnessed, he’d done exactly the opposite.
“I know if you heal, you’re leaving again.” Her brow furrowed. “But your head, the concussion... I thought...if it doesn’t improve, you can’t go back to riding.”
“It will get better.” His hands dropped and formed fists. “It has to. And either way, when I’m done with physical therapy, I’m going back.”
Anger, frustration and confusion flitted over Mackenzie’s features. “But that’s dangerous. You said you wouldn’t do anything stupid. Which translates into not going back if your brain hasn’t healed. What if you get another concussion on top of this one? What does that mean for your future? What about all of the athletes suffering from CTE?”
“There are risks, yes, but there’s no guarantee I’m going to get another head injury. No one knows the future. And even if I do, doctors can’t predict how the brain will respond.” Though the thought of living with CTE made his saliva take a hike. The disease was torture.
“I don’t understand.” Mackenzie heaved in a deep breath and pushed it out slowly. “I did some research online.” She’d gone from heated to trying for calm. “Did you know there’s something called post-concussion syndrome? I wonder if that’s what you have going on.”
Dr. Sanderson had already said as much. Mackenzie didn’t need to go playing doctor or researching his issues. Especially since he was showing improvement.
“I’m getting better. Before last night I’d gone almost two weeks without a migraine.”
“But that doesn’t mean you should jump back on a bull. I don’t get it. Why can’t you let this go? What do you have to prove?”
What did he have to prove? Everything. “Would you give up this ranch?” Jace raised his arms to encompass the place.
“That’s different.”
“It’s not.”
“This ranch isn’t going to kill me.” Mackenzie’s volume escalated, and some small animal scrambled in the forest near them, skittering off to safety.
“Bull riding isn’t going to kill me either.”
Her hands formed a self-hug, protecting. “Actually, you don’t know that.”