SNOW WHITE & THE SEVEN MICROAGGRESSIONS

NCE UPON A TIME…

There lived a vain, evil, and verbally abusive queen, who was the stepmother to a teenager named Snow White. Stepmothers tend to get a bad rap in fairy tales, but this one was truly evil. The Queen was concerned Snow White would one day grow to be more beautiful than herself. Not to psychoanalyze the Evil Queen, but there were clearly some deep-seated issues happening for her to feel so insecure.

Every morning the Evil Queen would look into her Magic Mirror and say:

“Mirror, Mirror, on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?”

And the Magic Mirror would reply, “Beauty is a subjective social construct, the use of the word ‘fair’ is problematic because it means both ‘white’ and ‘beautiful,’ and I terribly hate casting judgment on appearances. But all that aside, you, my Queen, are the fairest of them all.”

While the Queen was busy talking to mirrors, Snow White was out living large after moving into a crazy-cute cottage with seven dude roommates who were rarely home. Initially there was a big problem when they left their dishes in the sink and assumed Snow White would deal with the mess. But Snow White put a quick kibosh on that sitch by making a chore chart.

One day, per usual, the Queen asked: “Mirror, Mirror, on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?”

But before answering, the Mirror decided to pay the Evil Queen a compliment.

“You know, I’ve been meaning to tell you that your use of the gender-neutral pronoun ‘them’ in your question is quite excellent and inclusive. For an Evil Queen, it’s very impressive,” said the Mirror.

“Thank you,” said the Evil Queen. “Snow White explained to me that they identify as nonbinary and prefer the pronouns ‘they’ and ‘them.’ They aren’t a maiden, like I thought. So I say ‘them’ to make sure you include Snow White when I ask who is fairest in the kingdom. Because I’ll murder hims, hers, xems, zes, hirs, theys, thems. Really anyone who is hotter than me.”

“You are doing an excellent job of respecting Snow White’s—”

“Answer my question!” the Evil Queen snapped.

“Like I always say before I answer this question, beauty is a subjective—”

“Blah blah blah, answer the question.”

“According to industrialized western white beauty standards, it’s no longer you, my Queen. Snow White is the fairest of them all.”

“Dammit!” the Evil Queen shouted as she took off her tiara and threw it across the room. “Now I have to kill her.”

“Hold up,” said the Mirror. “You mean you have to kill them. You were doing so well.”

“I’m too upset to think about language right now! It’s been a huge hassle for me to have to remember every time I’m around her. Them. Whatever!”

“No. It’s not whatever. It’s really important to Snow White, which is why they had a long conversation with you about it,” said the Magic Mirror.

“It’s grammatically incorrect anyway.”

“Not anymore,” explained the Mirror. “Language evolves.”

“Okay, fine. I want to kill them because they are more fair than me. Is that better?”

“In terms of pronouns, yes. In terms of content, absolutely not. Baby steps.”

“Great, let’s discuss their murder.”

“Can we focus on one problematic thing at a time?” said the Mirror. “We’ll get to why murder is bad later. But since we’re on the topic of respectful language, I’ve been meaning to address something. You see, you have a tendency to commit something called microaggressions on a daily basis. With a lot of people. It’s a problem.”

“Micro-what?” said the Queen.

“Microaggressions. They are subtle insults made to marginalized people or mirrors. They are typically delivered in everyday interactions by well-intentioned people, so imagine how bad they are delivered by an Evil Queen.”

“I do not do that,” replied the Evil Queen. “Ask my henchman! Hey, Mark, come over here! Tell the Mirror how nice I am.”

The henchman, who lost a leg in a sword fight years ago, came over in his wheelchair.

“You better slow down or you’re going to get a speeding ticket in that thing!” said the Queen, laughing.

“That, right there, was a microaggression,” said the Magic Mirror. “It’s ableism.”

“Oh, come on! That’s how we joke together,” said the Evil Queen. “He likes it.”

“Um, actually, your Royal Highness, ma’am, Evil Queen,” replied Mark, nervously. “I don’t think it’s funny. It makes me feel defined by my disability. I’ve just been too scared of you to say anything. You throw things.”

“You’re just being lazy,” replied the Evil Queen. “You could totally walk and use that peg leg if you wanted to. Also, your shirt is ugly.”

There was a long silence in the room. The Magic Mirror blinked at the Evil Queen.

“Okay, fine. I was being mean. But that time it was on purpose. Mark, you are dismissed.”

Mark began to head out of the dungeon room. The Evil Queen called after him:

“And bring me Bob, my second henchman. Let’s get his opinion on whether I’m doing microaggressions or not. And in the future, you have no reason to be scared of me!”

Mark did as he was told. A few moments later, the Queen’s second henchman, Bob, walked in.

“Hi, Bob. Two things. First, I want you to behead Mark. Second, this Mirror thinks I’m committing microaggressions, so I need you to tell it how nice I am.”

“Yes, Evil Queen,” complied Bob. “You are so nice.”

“See, Mirror, I am so nice. Also, can we take a moment to compliment Bob on how great his English is. Where are you from again, Bob?”

“I’m from this kingdom, ma’am,” replied Bob.

“No, like, where are you from-from? Originally.”

“Okay! That’s enough,” interrupted the Magic Mirror. “Those were a bunch of microaggressions, back to back! It might seem trivial to you, but when you told Bob his English was good, you implied that he is an outsider in this kingdom, which is a hidden insult. This creates a hostile work environment for Bob. Even more hostile than working for an Evil Queen.”

“It was a compliment!” barked the Evil Queen. “Bob doesn’t look like he’s from here.”

“Microaggression alert!” shouted the Mirror.

“That hurts my feelings,” said Bob, sheepishly looking at the ground.

“But, Bob, you can admit you’re highly sensitive, right? I doubt the other foreign-looking henchman would feel the way you do.”

“I don’t want to speak for all nonwhite henchmen. I can’t possibly represent all of their perspectives. I wouldn’t ask you to speak for all Evil Queens.”

“Obviously not. I’m special. I’m not like the other ones…Okay, I see your point there.”

“We’re making strides,” said the Magic Mirror. “I think you’re learning that microaggressions can be unintentional, yet harmful. They are based on institutional oppression and often committed by those in power. And you are very powerful, my Evil Queen.”

“Indeed I am! We’re done here, Bob. Go behead Mark and then meet me by the guillotine. Don’t worry, it’s not for you. Well, maybe it is. It will be a surprise! Just meet me there.”

Bob nervously walked out the exit.

“Great. Now I have to kill both of my henchmen. Magic Mirror, who am I going to get to kill Snow White and those stupid seven dwarfs? Or, wait, let me guess, ‘dwarf’ isn’t acceptable now?”

“Actually, sometimes it is. The best thing to do is to ask the person what they’d like to be called. Some people with dwarfism prefer ‘dwarf’ and others prefer ‘little people.’ They’re just people, who don’t need to be defined by their size. In general, use their names and if you have to refer to their small stature, saying a ‘person with dwarfism’ is typically best.”

“So I should say, ‘Mirror, Mirror, on the wall, how should I kill Snow White and the seven men with dwarfism?’”

“Exactly! In terms of language, at least, you’re getting it. At the end of the day, they’re just seven adult men who live in a house together. And let’s be honest, that’s the weird part.”

“You know what all this reminds me of? That time I was at the Convention for Evil Leaders and I was the only Evil Queen at the table. The Evil Kings wouldn’t listen to me! I had this great idea about how to steal a cyclops and one of the kings pretended it was his idea. So annoying.”

“Yes!” exclaimed the Magic Mirror. “Microaggressions are often committed against women, good and evil.”

“I ended up having the cyclops behead all of the Evil Kings.”

“Of course you did, Your Highness. In the future, let’s try to be a little less defensive when someone tells you that you’ve offended them, be constantly vigilant against your own unconscious biases, and remember that murderous henchmen have feelings, too.”

“This has given me a lot to think about. However, don’t forget that since Snow White is still the hottest person in the kingdom, we still have to kill them, as well as the seven men with dwarfism, and my henchpeople Mark and Bob, whom I will not define by their disability or racial background.”

The Queen smiled proudly. The Magic Mirror beamed back at her.

“We’ve done great work here today,” said the Magic Mirror. “Tomorrow, we’ll tackle murder.”

THE END