CHLOE SUSPECTED THAT there would be no talk of the moon and none of green cheese either tonight. When she’d picked Amy up from the crèche that evening she’d heard from one of the nurses from A and E, who had come to collect her son, that there had been a multiple car accident on the motorway.
Jon was late home, missing Amy’s bathtime and the kiss goodnight. She was sitting in the kitchen, trying not to wait for him, when she heard his key in the door. The front door closed and she waited for him to appear. But there was just silence.
He was in the hallway, his hands in his pockets, his back leaning against the wall. Jon seemed wearier than she’d ever seen him. She walked up to him, touching the sleeve of his jacket, and he seemed almost surprised to find her there.
‘Tough afternoon?’
He nodded. ‘Yeah. I lost a patient.’
That was hard for any doctor. For one working in Paediatrics, there was an even keener edge to the blow. ‘I heard there was an accident.’
He nodded, not meeting her gaze. ‘A little boy. The paramedics had already revived him once in the ambulance, but he was failing fast by the time he got to the hospital. I couldn’t do anything.’
‘You tried, though.’
‘Yeah. I tried.’
There was nothing she could say to him that he didn’t already know. No way she could make this any better, because it was what it was. Along with all the young lives he saved, or made better, were the ones that Jon couldn’t save. The day that didn’t hurt was when any doctor should seriously think about changing their profession.
‘Have you eaten? I’ll make you something.’
‘Thanks, but...’ He shook his head. ‘I’m just going upstairs.’
He obviously wanted some time alone. Chloe walked back into the kitchen and put the kettle on, more for something to do than because she wanted a drink. Sitting down at the table and ignoring the click as the kettle boiled and then switched off, she waited.
Ten minutes. From the creak in the floorboards, just outside her bedroom door, she knew exactly where Jon was. Perhaps he didn’t want to be alone after all. Chloe walked upstairs, pausing at the open door of her bedroom. Sitting on the edge of the bed, one hand stretched so that his fingers were gently touching Amy’s, Jon was watching the little girl sleep.
When he saw her he got to his feet, whispering so as not to disturb Amy, ‘Sorry. The door was open...’
‘That’s okay. When I heard about the accident, I held her a little tighter.’
‘We have to protect her.’ Jon’s face was anguished.
‘We will.’ Now wasn’t the moment to point out that he didn’t have to do anything at all, it was her job to protect Amy. For the moment, at least, he was a part of that. Chloe moved towards him, her trembling fingers reaching out to hug him, but he drew back.
* * *
Jon knew that a lot of his colleagues went home and hugged their kids after a day like this. But the way he’d wanted to see Amy, to check that she was still breathing, and that the world could continue to turn, had taken him by surprise.
He and Helen had made an agreement never to bring their work home. He’d stuck by that as best he could, keeping moments like this away from the quiet, gleaming perfection of their house. But as soon as Chloe had touched his arm, downstairs in the hallway, holding her had stopped being something he just wanted to do and had turned into something that he needed.
He’d settled for want, instead of need, and had gone upstairs to check on Amy. But now that Chloe was here... Jon reminded himself that she had her own issues about being touched, and that the intensity with which he wanted to touch her would probably be unwelcome.
But she touched him. He drew away and she touched him again, taking hold of the front of his shirt and pulling him towards her. And then she was in his arms. Chloe reached out, curling her fingers around his neck.
One breath. One look.
There was no longer any him or her, just one frozen moment in time, which they both owned equally. Chloe seemed to understand everything that was in his heart, every question and every sadness. He buried his face in her hair, hanging onto her as tightly as he could.
* * *
He was holding her so tight against his chest that she could hardly breathe. Or maybe it was just that her heart was beating so fast that her lungs couldn’t keep up.
‘I’m sorry...’ She felt his arms loosen around her.
‘No... Jon, don’t be sorry. You shouldn’t be sorry for anything.’ She didn’t want him to push her away now. It was too soon, and the connection that pulsed between them too strong.
She felt him sigh as he gently wrapped his arms around her again. It wasn’t quite as thrilling as being crushed against his body, but it was close.
He held her for a long time, neither needing to say anything. But they couldn’t stay like this for ever, even if that didn’t seem like such an outrageous idea at the moment.
‘Tomorrow’s another day, Jon.’
He nodded, letting go of her. The room seemed suddenly freezing cold as he gave Amy one last look and then walked out into the hallway. ‘I thought I might—’
‘Go for a run?’ She smiled at him. Chloe was getting to know Jon’s coping strategies. He was often up early, running for the joy of it, before she and Amy had gone downstairs to start their day. In the evenings it was different, something to get the cares of the day out of his system.
‘Yeah.’ He narrowed his eyes. ‘You haven’t taken up mind-reading, have you? Those crystals of yours...’
The crystals had become a joke between them. When she’d been ill, it had helped her calm her mind to focus on their sparkling depths, in the same way that running cleared Jon’s mind.
‘Don’t knock it. Each to their own.’
‘Whatever gets you through the night, eh?’ He grinned and suddenly he was very close. He brushed a kiss on her cheek, and almost before Chloe could feel the scrape of newly grown stubble on his chin he was gone, walking into his own room to change into his running gear. In half an hour he’d be back again, out of breath from pushing himself to the limit on the last mile, that easygoing smile returned to his lips. And everything would be back to what passed for normal these days.
* * *
This was hopefully the last time they’d have to do this, because James would be bringing Hannah home the day after tomorrow. Amy was bathed and in her pyjamas and Chloe sat down on the sofa, with Amy next to her, positioning her laptop in front of them.
‘Mummy...’ As usual the sound of the video conferencing call tone prompted the word. In a little less than two weeks Amy had learned to associate the shrill tone with her mother, as if Hannah were now locked away inside the computer. Chloe tried not to think about it too much, because it was heart-breaking.
James answered, looking tanned and smiling. He turned from the screen, beckoning to someone, and Hannah came to sit next to him.
‘Mummy!’
‘I love you, Amy.’ Hannah blew kisses to her daughter, and Amy wriggled forward towards the edge of the sofa, trying to get closer.
Hannah was smiling, but it seemed as if it was an effort. Her eyes had dark circles under them, and James had his arm protectively across the back of her chair, as if he was ready to give her a hug if needed.
‘Say, “Love you, Mummy.”’ Chloe leaned over towards Amy, whispering in her ear. Amy turned to her, her small hand on her cheek.
‘Love you, Mummy.’ Amy repeated the words perfectly, but she was looking in the wrong direction. Straight up at Chloe.
‘No, sweetie...’ Chloe swallowed down her embarrassment, trying not to look at Hannah, and then jumped as the front door slammed. Jon had been working late but he was home now. Amy looked round and, forgetting that her mother was on the screen, started to crawl to the far end of the sofa towards the open door of the sitting room.
‘Hello, Amy...’ Jon popped his head around the door to greet her, and then saw the laptop on the table. ‘Oh. Sorry to interrupt.’
‘That’s all right. Come and say hello.’
If all three of them were in one place, on the sofa, and she held Amy facing the screen, then there could be no more mistakes. Maybe Jon caught the look of desperation that Chloe gave him because he walked straight over and sat down, retrieving Amy and putting her on Chloe’s lap.
‘Hi, Hannah. How are things?’ Jon leaned in a little so that Hannah and James could see him.
‘I’m okay.’ Chloe looked up at the screen and into Hannah’s face. There was no sign that she’d heard what Amy had said, and maybe the words had been lost somewhere between her laptop and James’s.
‘We went sailing yesterday,’ James broke in.
‘Yeah, and you nearly went over the side.’ Hannah smiled suddenly, nudging her brother, and Jon laughed.
‘I would have liked to have seen that.’
‘No, you wouldn’t. If I was going to get wet, then I’d have made sure you did too,’ James retorted, and Chloe began to breathe again. She hugged Amy, directing her attention towards the screen, as James and Jon traded a few good-natured insults, and Hannah joined in, saying a bit about what they’d been doing on their holiday.
‘So what are the arrangements for Saturday?’ Finally James got around to the one day that everyone was thinking about and not mentioning.
‘I thought I might drive up with Amy tomorrow night and stay at your place, if that’s okay. Then we’ll be there when you get back, the following morning.’
James nodded. ‘Yeah, that’s fine. Sounds good.’
Hannah was biting her lip. ‘There’s no rush.’
Chloe swallowed down her disappointment. It seemed that Hannah had mixed feelings about coming home. ‘I’m really looking forward to seeing you. And Amy’s been missing you, of course.’
‘I miss her too.’ A tear rolled down Hannah’s cheek, and James put his arm around her. ‘But she’s... She looks so happy. And you love her, don’t you...?’
‘Yes, I love her. So do you.’ Chloe felt as if she were walking a tightrope, and there was a very long fall beneath her. Telling Hannah that she’d loved having Amy here might imply that this was a state of affairs that could continue. Telling her that she had to take Amy back now might put her under too much pressure.
‘But you and Jon... You can both look after her so much better.’
Jon leaned forward towards the screen, speaking gently. ‘Hannah, there is no me and Chloe. I’m moving out in a few days’ time.’
Good. That was right. Hannah seemed to be taking it for granted that the very temporary family that had been created here could last. Maybe she was at fault for giving that impression. Maybe Hannah had seen her body language and had realised how much she’d fallen into depending on him.
‘I just think...’ Hannah shook her head, as if what she thought didn’t matter.
‘Hannah, there’s no pressure for us to do anything right now. I’m taking the next two weeks off work so we can spend some time together. I’ll be right there to support you and Amy in any way I can.’
Hannah nodded, wiping her eyes. ‘Yes. Okay.’
This was always the way with Hannah. The less she said, the more overwhelmed she was feeling. It was probably best to let things rest for now.
‘So I’ll see you all on Saturday.’
‘Yes.’ James answered for Hannah. ‘That’ll be great.’
* * *
They’d talked for a while longer, and even though James and Chloe were both obviously concerned, they’d stayed positive and smiling for Hannah’s sake. Amy was becoming drowsy, but Chloe managed to get her to wave and blow kisses to her mother before they ended the call.
Chloe leaned forward, closing her laptop, as Amy snuggled against her. At a loss for anything to say that might help, Jon went into the kitchen and made her a cup of tea.
‘I hope I said the right thing. About my not being around for much longer.’ He put her tea down on the coffee table in front of her.
‘It was exactly the right thing.’ Chloe turned her worried face up towards him. ‘All of this is about Hannah wanting the best for Amy. Right now, she’s feeling so worthless and scared that she thinks that I can give Amy more than she can. But I can’t.’
Jon sat down on the sofa next to Chloe, and took Amy from her so she could drink her tea. The little girl stirred and then went back to sleep. No doubt the moment she was taken upstairs and put into her cot, she’d be wide awake again.
‘Have you considered the possibility that it might be better to keep Amy with you for just a little while longer?’ Jon chose his words carefully.
‘I’ll look after Amy for as long as it takes. But Hannah will never get over it if she gives Amy up, and neither will Amy. I’ve just got to give Hannah the right support.’
‘You and James, you mean.’ Jon couldn’t help smiling. Chloe was so determined to do this alone, and it was oddly gratifying that her unwillingness to take any help extended to James as well as him.
‘Me and James, then. Obviously. Although he has his own family to think of, and he doesn’t have as much time as I do.’
They sat in silence for a moment, and Chloe sipped her tea. Despite all the uncertainties, all the loose ends, this seemed somehow right. The three of them against the world.
‘Hannah never said anything to me about Amy’s father.’
Chloe shook her head. ‘He’s not on the scene. Very deliberately so. We know who he is, he went to the same school as Hannah. It seems that he and Hannah had something going together, and when he went off to university they split up. When Hannah ran away, that’s where James found her. Living with him in his student halls.’
‘Didn’t anyone notice?’
‘Apparently not. He used to smuggle her in at night and back out again in the morning. Hannah spent most of the day in coffee bars. When we realised she was pregnant, James went to see the family, but the boy said it was nothing to do with him and his parents didn’t want to know either.’
‘That must have been hard on Hannah. Has the boy ever been in touch?’ It would be hard on Amy too, when she was old enough to understand. Jon held the sleeping child a little closer.
‘Not once. Hannah decided not to pursue it and I couldn’t help agreeing with her. If someone lets you down that badly, you’re better off without them.’
‘I suppose so. Still hurts, though.’
‘Yes, it does still hurt.’
Chloe’s face showed no emotion, but Jon suspected that she was talking a little about herself, as well as Hannah. Someone had let her down, and she’d decided that she should deal with everything on her own, now.
‘You know I didn’t tell the exact truth when I said I’d be gone in a couple of days, that was really just for Hannah’s benefit. You’re off for the next two weeks, and I’ve given the hospital the time I promised them. I have the next three weeks off.’
‘That’s supposed to be for you to finish the renovations on your house. So that you’ll have it all done when you start work permanently. You agreed that with them.’
‘I told you I’d be around to help, and I will be. The builders are putting the new bathroom in, and I can put anything else off until later.’
He could see the disbelief in her eyes, and all he wanted to do was to show her somehow that he really did mean what he said this time.
‘Yes, I know. Thanks.’
Chloe’s words offered him little comfort. Because, whatever she said, he knew that she didn’t believe him.