What Josh is feeling is a crush—an intense feeling of attraction to another person. He doesn’t even know Lauren, but he has these strong feelings for her. He’d really like to get to know her better.
Almost everyone, at one time or another, has had a crush. It may simply be an infatuation—an intense, but brief admiration for another person. A crush may not ever lead into anything, particularly if you keep your feelings to yourself. But sometimes a crush can be the beginning of an exciting new relationship.
Crushes usually just happen. Suddenly you realize that you really like the way she smiles, or the direct way she stares into your eyes. You find yourself daydreaming about your crush, imagining what you would say during a conversation with her in the hallway at school. Or you might think about being on a date together.
“That’s why they call them crushes. If they were easy, they’d call them something else.”
—from the 1984 film Sixteen Candles
But if you spend no time with the girl you have a crush on, there is no chance of your daydream becoming anything more than something in your imagination. Your crush exists as an idea in your head; it is nothing else. Still, the feelings associated with having a crush can be similar to feeling like you’re in love. But it is unlikely that someone who has never spoken to you will fall in love with you!
When you have a crush on someone, you have choices. You can do nothing, keep your feelings to yourself, and hope that you eventually get over her. Or you can take a chance and do something about your feelings. Most likely you’ll feel pretty nervous about what she’ll say or do. But if you don’t take the chance, you’ll never know what her response would have been.
If you decide to let her know you’re interested. If you don’t know your crush at all, try to become friends first. Start talking to her. Invite her to join a group of friends who are going to the school basketball game. Figure out what common interests you have. For example, if you like listening to the same music or share the same subjects in school, you’ll probably find you have plenty to talk about.
If you have a few conversations with a girl before you ask her out, chances are you will be more successful when you do ask her out. If she doesn’t know you at all, she may be startled by your invitation. All she’ll have to go on is her first impression and the way you look—which may or may not work to your advantage.
Getting to know someone as a friend first can often be rewarding. Conversations between the two of you can be easier. And knowing what the other likes to do for fun will help if dating is something you have in mind for the future. And if things don’t work out in a romantic relationship, it is possible to go back to being friends if both of you are okay with that.
If she’s not interested in you. You’ve tried every trick in the book—carrying her books, walking her to class, holding her spot in the lunch line—and she still won’t go out with you. So what do you do?
You could simply try to forget about your crush and move on. Or you could settle for just being her friend. But be honest with yourself and with her—if your feelings for her are more than those of just a friend and she doesn’t feel the same way, you probably should not hang around with her until you feel like you can be “just friends.”
Another option is to be patient and bide your time. Try inviting her to some activities involving a group of your friends. This way, she’ll have a chance to get to know you and accept a date once she knows you better. Or maybe you’ll find you’re no longer interested. But if you are still interested, ask her out again. Just because she said no once doesn’t mean she’ll say no the second or third time. However, there is a difference between a determined pursuer and a stalker. If she’s already told you to stay out of her way, it’s unlikely she’ll change her mind about going out with you. Respect her decision and leave her alone.
Some of the time, you will ask a girl out and get flat-out rejected. If she says no, it hurts—a lot. But try to remember, these things happen to people all the time. Being rejected is not the end of the world. To rebound, call some of your guy friends to join in some activities that will keep your mind off of what happened. Play video games, watch a movie, play basketball or football, or listen to your favorite album.
At some point in time, you’ll find yourself interested in a different girl. And she may be the one who gives you the answer you want to hear. Even if you are unsuccessful, it isn’t the worst thing in the world to be friends.
Crushes can be confusing, but when you have a crush on someone you are learning about yourself and the kind of person you feel attracted to. You may find you have a crush on a girl or another guy. Such feelings are okay and normal. However, if you feel confused or worried about your feelings, you should talk to a trusted adult such as a parent or other family member, your doctor, or a school counselor.
Give yourself one point for every “yes.”
0–2 = Not a chance
3–5 = Maybe
6–8 = It’s looking good
Social networking Web sites such as MySpace and Facebook provide the technology that allows you to make friends around the world. But remember, when you post information online you are making that information available for the whole world to see. If you think certain things should be private, don’t put them on the Internet. Strangers might use that information to steal your identity, hack your computer, or even stalk you. Other Internet safety tips include:
Adapted from “Facts for Consumers: Social Networking Sites: Safety Tips for Tweens and Teens,” Federal Trade Commission, May 2006
A. Go for it! If your crush is on a classmate, try to hang out with her as a friend. Once you start spending time around her, your feelings and ideas will become much clearer. If a romantic relationship doesn’t work out, at least you’ll get a new friend.
B. Forget about it! If the crush is unrealistic (like on a celebrity you’ll never meet) or if you don’t feel ready for a relationship, try to get the person off your mind. Spend your time on a new hobby or sport with your friends.
C. Talk about it. Pull aside one of your friends and tell him or her what is on your mind. Ask your friend for an opinion or advice about what to do. Make sure you confide in a close friend, who won’t tell others about your situation. And if you’re the one being confided in, don’t gossip about your friend’s crush.