Are you ready to start dating? There is really no right time or age when people should start dating. It varies from person to person. Some people have relationships without going out on formal dates, that is, dates with just the two of you. In fact, you may really care about someone whom you see mostly at school or while hanging out with other friends.
Family rules. Actually, the decision to go out on a formal date may not be entirely up to you. Some parents may forbid their kids from dating until they reach a certain age. Others may feel their kids are simply not ready yet—or they may feel uncomfortable about a specific person their kid is interested in dating.
This doesn’t refer to just her parents. Your folks may not be comfortable with the idea of you dating, either. If that is the case, you may need to take some steps to earn their support. The best way to do that is to show that you are a responsible person in other areas. If your parents ask you to take care of certain chores, make sure you get them done on time and without an argument.
In the same way, you’ll want to figure out ways to show the parents of the girl you want to date that you can be trusted. If you really like the person and want to date her, try to get to know her parents. At some point, you could ask them why they have those rules. At the very worst, you might not be able to take her on dates, but if the parents meet you and think well of you, they could eventually change their mind. You may have to simply wait for them to say it’s okay for her to date you.
“Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.”
—Anonymous
“When men and women are able to respect and accept their differences then love has a chance to blossom.”
—John Gray
If both sets of parents give the okay for you to date, most likely they will establish some rules. One of the biggest ones is the curfew—the time they set for you to be back home after a date. If you want her parents to approve of you—and not object to any future dates—your best bet is to try to abide by the rules they establish. If they want their daughter home by 11:00 P.M., do your best to make sure that happens—or be ready to explain to her parents what happened that made you arrive at her home at 11:15 P.M. instead.
Similarly, show your parents that you are responsible by abiding by the curfew they set for you. If you don’t agree with their restrictions, ask if you can discuss them further. Have a conversation in which you remain calm and polite. Perhaps they can help you understand where they are coming from. At the same time, you can let them know how you feel about the situation. Perhaps they will change your curfew time. But if they don’t, make sure you follow their rules. Don’t make them worry about you because you’re late. If you show them that you can be responsible, they may be willing to talk about making some changes to family rules and curfews in the future.
Recognize that parents set rules on curfews for their daughters—and sons—because they care about their kids. They want to know where they are and have them home at a reasonable hour because they want them to be safe.
How parents can help. Depending on how old you are and whether or not you have a driver’s license, you may find that you have to depend on her parents or yours to provide transportation on dates. Most states don’t allow kids to get their license until the age of sixteen or older. But if you need a ride and the parents are able, they will probably be happy to help out. Be sure to ask them politely and to give some advance notice, too, if possible.
A 2002 Teen People poll notes that 91 percent of teens say they don’t like having a parent driving them around on a date. However, when they don’t have an alternative way of getting places, most teens appreciate getting a ride from their mother or father.
Parents may also be willing to help you out financially on dates. That is why it helps to be on good terms with your folks and to keep them informed about your dating plans. In fact, they would probably also welcome the chance to meet the girl you like. If they can help out, parents are more likely to offer some cash for you to use on a date if they know your plans.
Another way parents can help is by talking to you about dating and relationships. Take a few minutes to ask for advice or their opinion about the person you are interested in dating. You’ll be showing them that you value their advice, and you may also gain some new perspectives.
The first date. First dates can be intimidating, although your comfort level may depend on how well you know your date before asking her out and how much time you have already spent together. If you have not had many conversations with the girl until now, you may find it hard to talk in a one-on-one setting.
No matter how well you know her, there’s a lot you can do to make a good impression. Be respectful and polite. Open doors, give her compliments, and treat her well.
At the same time, be aware of how she treats you. If she appears to take your attention as something she deserves, but doesn’t treat you with any respect in return, you might want to reconsider your interest in her. Similarly, you’ll want to notice how she treats other people. Is she rude when you introduce her to the friend you meet at the movie theater? Does she make mean comments about the waitress in the restaurant? The little things that she does on your first date can tell you a lot.
During your date, talk and ask questions. This is your opportunity to learn more about her. You may find that the feelings of attraction that initially drew you to her can fizzle out quickly if you have very little in common. On the other hand, even if you have many differences, you may decide that this makes her very interesting.
Remember, a date is an opportunity to get to know someone better. Don’t put unnecessary pressures on yourself or your date. Relax and have fun.
If you want her parents to think well of you, be sure to make a good first impression. Be attentive and polite when they are talking to you. While meeting the parents can be potentially embarrassing, just keep in mind that her parents want to know who you are because they care about their daughter. And if they don’t like you, they can influence her decision about whether to keep dating you.
The direct approach: Go up to the girl and just ask, “Will you go out with me?” Simple and easy.
The conversational approach: Start a conversation by talking about things she is interested in or about something that happened in class. During the conversation, slip in a suggestion that you both go to the movies.
The long-term approach: Have several friendly conversations with the girl. Ask her different things. Discuss her interests. Build a casual friendship. Then, when you feel comfortable enough, ask her out on a date.
Adapted from Susan Rabens, The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Dating for Teens (2001)
Get to know her first. If asking her out are the first words you have said to her, then chances are you may not be successful.
Have a plan. Know what you are going to say and where the date will be.
Speak clearly. It can be hard to talk when you’re feeling nervous, but do you want her to have to ask you to repeat yourself? Don’t mumble—make sure you talk so that she can understand you.
Act confident, even if you don’t really feel confident. Girls don’t want to go out with a guy who seems nervous and unsure of himself.
DO make eye contact. Be sure to look her in the eye while you are talking. It will make it easier for both of you to talk.
DO relax. Take it easy and let the date progress. Don’t try to be someone else or to be a comedian (unless you really are one). Act natural.
DO compliment her. Say nice things to her. Compliment her dress and appearance.
DO spontaneous things. Don’t be shy about changing plans for your date if an idea pops in your head.
DON’T be pushy. Don’t be too physical. A little bit of contact isn’t bad, but don’t try to hold her hand—or do anything else!—if it makes her uncomfortable.
DON’T talk only about yourself. Get her to talk about herself by asking a lot of questions that keep the conversation moving.
DON’T limit your date. Keep an open mind. If at first she doesn’t seem quite what you had in mind, give her a chance. You may be surprised!
DON’T use swear words. There isn’t anything more unattractive than a guy who swears a lot.
Adapted from Lindsay, “Ten Do’s & Don’ts on a First Date,” Helpingteens.org, May 19, 2007
Here are some fun things to do on a first date:
The classic date—The dinner and a movie gig is the go-to first date for a lot of people. However, it can be expensive and require transportation. You can always invite her over to your house for a pizza and a movie that you rented. Make sure it is one that she likes and that she and her parents know that your parents will be home.
The researched date—Talk to her friends and find out some of her interests. If she likes playing a sport, take her somewhere where the two of you can compete. Don’t be afraid if she’s better than you. After all, fun—not winning—is the point.
The creative date—Think up some fun activities, such as a walk through a local art museum, a hike in the woods, or a game of Frisbee® in the park.