When you’re in love with someone, you do your best to keep your relationship strong. In John and Lindsey’s case, they are aware they have some problems with how they sometimes treat each other. However, both are making an effort to do something about it.
A serious relationship is more than sexual attraction. It requires taking a strong interest in the other person. You both need to think about what you need to do to keep things strong. The best relationships—including those with friends and family—involve four important elements: trust, honesty, respect, and good communication.
Trust. An important part of a healthy relationship is being able to trust the other person. That means you both can believe that the other will be reliable. You both consider your commitment to each other to be serious. That means you’ll do your best to be there for each other, especially during stressful times. And you’ll consider your relationship of major importance. That means neither of you will risk losing it by flirting with other people. If there is a lack of trust between the two of you, your relationship is headed for problems.
Honesty. Related to trust, honesty is essential to any good, healthy relationship. If you aren’t telling your girlfriend the truth, then she’ll never be able to trust anything you say. Along these lines, don’t pretend to be someone you’re not or to be interested in certain things that she likes if you really aren’t. Of course, you should make an effort to learn about her interests before stating that you don’t like them. But if you can’t be willing and open to learning about what she likes, perhaps the two of you aren’t a good match.
Respect. To respect someone means to pay attention and give value to the feelings, rights, and wishes of that person. In other words, it means treating the other person as you would like to be treated yourself. After you’ve spent a lot of time with a person, you may find you’re taking her for granted. Or worse, you may fall into a habit of teasing or insulting her. No one deserves that kind of treatment. If you can’t be respectful in your relationships, you may soon lose them.
Along the same lines, in a relationship with a girl, it is important to respect her wishes when it comes to the physical aspect of love. It is up to you to have respect for her feelings and comfort level. Don’t pressure her to do things she wouldn’t normally want to do.
Good communication. When you care about someone, you should always strive to share your thoughts. Communicating can mean simply letting each other know your plans for the week, or it can mean talking about why one of you is angry with the other.
Sometimes issues will come up: She may get jealous that you were talking to another girl, or you may feel jealous of her. She may get angry, thinking you want to hang out with your friends more than with her. Or maybe you’re upset that you haven’t seen her for a long time because she’s been “too busy.”
“Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.”
—Ambrose Bierce
These kinds of situations can lead to serious disagreements that could endanger your relationship. To keep it strong, you both need to try to solve your misunderstandings and conflicts in healthy ways.
This means you need to bring up the problem in a direct way but without placing any blame. Let her know that you think she has been mean to you, or ask if you have done something to upset her. The next step is to talk about how it makes you feel. Does it make you mad that she didn’t talk to you all day? Or is she angry that you were out with your friends and didn’t call her at all?
Try to be open and not react with anger or other negative emotions when listening to her side of the story. If you are at fault, apologize and try to find out what you can do in order to make it up to her. Say something like, “I’m really sorry about what I did. I didn’t know it would make you feel that way.”
If you think she did something wrong, choose your words carefully. Let her know how her behavior made you feel: “I felt upset when I didn’t hear from you all day because I thought something happened to you.” That kind of statement works a lot better in clearing the air than making an angry, accusatory statement like “Why didn’t you call?!”
Remember, the way you communicate can go a long way to resolving problems. The way you handle your disagreements and arguments says a lot about how much you trust and respect each other.
Always try to solve your problems. Don’t ignore or walk away, unless you need a few moments to get a handle on your angry feelings. Dealing with conflicts in a relationship is difficult. However, if you are willing to put time into figuring out how to resolve them, then your relationship will not only survive, but it will grow stronger.
Being honest may sound simple, but sometimes it can be hard to practice. You may not want to talk with your girlfriend about what is on your mind and how you are feeling. Most guys have trouble doing that, but do your best to make your honest opinions part of your relationship.
Adapted from “Love & Romance,” TeensHealth.org, February 2007
She invites you over to her house for dinner with her family. A panic comes over you. What do you do? Here are a few tips:
Dress well. Avoid sneakers and sandals. If the weather is cold, wear a good sweater.
Always say “please” and “thank you” when asking for dishes.
Look family members in the eye when you are talking to them.
Be yourself.
Offer to help clear the table or serve dessert.
Make sure you treat your girlfriend well.
Adapted from “Am I in a Healthy Relationship?” TeensHealth.org, April 2008