My head breaks the surface. Someone’s holding me. I erupt in coughs as I try to get the water out of my lungs.
‘All right. I got you.’
Hands drag me through the water and heave me out on to the wall.
I rub my eyes, trying to make them adjust to the gloom. Nik’s here with me aboard the Arcadia, and I don’t think my heart can take it.
Happiness, anger, relief battle to come to the surface. Anger wins. My heart burns with it.
Hot enough to throw a wave of black ship water straight into Nik Lall’s stupid face.
He shields himself as the wave hits, so I switch to slapping him with the flat of my hands. But I’m exhausted, and every smack is as weak and pointless as the water.
‘Stop, doc! Stop!’ he shouts.
‘You’re such a jerk!’ I scream back, and now there are red-hot tears running down my face, and I can add humiliation to the list of emotions coursing through my blood.
‘What? What did I do? I pulled you out of the water!’
‘You left me!’ I shout. ‘May died, and we crashed the ship. And then you left, and everyone else acted like I don’t exist!’ There’s water dripping from his hair. I slap his chest again. ‘Say something!’
‘I … I … didn’t know what was going on in the camp.’
‘Don’t play stupid, Nik. You ran away. You left us without looking back.’
He rubs the water from his face. At least he has the decency to look ashamed.
‘Did you even think about me?’
‘Honestly, I tried not to.’
I slump to the ground, and that’s when I feel an arm round me, someone crouching next to me. I look up and find Pat. As soon as I see him, everything bubbles to the surface, and I bury my face in his neck and just cry. I cry for my family. I cry for everything that’s happened over the past four months. The hunger and the cold and the Coalies piercing my ear. I cry about the cholera. About Meg held hostage by Silas. I cry so much my chest aches, and my head throbs. By the time my tears run out, I can only breathe in shuddering gulps.
Pat holds me in silence. The warmth of him like a balm on the parts of me that are most damaged.
‘I’m sorry,’ Nik says. ‘I did all of it. Everything you said.’
‘But why?’
His eyes dart to Pat and back to me. ‘You know why.’
I search his face. ‘Enlighten me.’
He looks at Pat again. ‘Because of what happened on the roof.’
Pat’s arm drops from around my shoulder, and in that moment I realize what Nik’s talking about.
‘What are you, twelve?’ I say.
‘Let’s get into this some other time.’
‘No, seriously. You abandoned everyone who loves you, everyone who needs you, because of one stupid misunderstanding?’
‘It wasn’t just a misunderstanding. You know it wasn’t.’
I’m standing up now, pacing in the tiny space. Pat’s moved away from me and is watching, an expression on his face that looks like pain. I can’t make myself stop talking. I’m too angry and frustrated and relieved that Nik’s come back. ‘All of this drama over five seconds.’
‘I wasn’t ready.’
‘Ready for what? It wasn’t like I was asking to be your girlfriend.’
‘I wasn’t strong enough to live with my heart in someone else’s body again.’
I stop pacing and stare at him. His eyes are glistening with tears. ‘I’m so sorry,’ he says.
I sniff and rub my nose.
Pat clears his throat. ‘Silas gave us four hours to get back. We should move,’ he says and starts off into the darkness without waiting for me.
I take another long look at Nik’s face, then follow Pat into the shadows.
Everything’s changed.