Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature:
old things are passed away;
behold, all things are become new.
2 Corinthians 5:17
“Are you sure you want to do this?”
Grace was jolted out of her daydreams. The rhythmic clip-clopping of the horse pulling her brother’s buggy had brought back memories of bygone years. Life was simpler back then. Being the youngest of eleven children, and the only girl, she’d always been coddled and protected when she was growing up.
Grace answered her brother. “Yes. I need to do it or else I don’t know what will happen to me.” Newly widowed, Grace Stevens was heading to the bishop’s house to talk with him about returning to her Amish roots and being baptized. She knew she had to turn away from the Englisch life she’d been living with her late husband, Jeremy, and make a decision about her life so she could move forward.
“If you get baptized, it’ll be forever, and if you return to live life as an Englischer you’ll be shunned. Wouldn’t it be better to wait a few days and see how you feel then? With the shock of Jeremy’s death and everything, you might not be thinking straight.” Taking his eyes off the road for a moment, Matthew glanced over at her.
She forced a smile and put on a brave front as she was so used to doing. “I have to do this. I’ve had a lot of time to think about it.” In fact, she’d had four long years to think about it. For those years, she’d been married to an outsider, an Englischer. She’d moved right into his apartment after leaving the community. The first few months together had been fine, but after they had married Jeremy became like Jekyll and Hyde – and she was never to recognize the warning signs of his mood swings. One minute he’d be attentive and sweet, and then she’d do or say something that would send him into the opposite mood. He’d been abusive in every way possible – mentally, physically, and emotionally – but she’d stayed because she believed marriage was forever. Besides, when her marriage had been good, it had been wonderful.
Finally she’d had enough of his seesaw moods and walking on eggshells, and she’d told him she was through. Two days later Jeremy was dead. She couldn’t help but think that if she hadn’t said she was leaving, he’d still be alive. While the counselor her doctor had recommended made her see that Jeremy's death wasn't her fault, she still struggled with it. She repeated daily what the counselor had told her. Jeremy made his own decisions.
Grace put her fingertips against the faint bruises, which were the result of Jeremy trying to choke her on that last day. She’d told him she’d had enough of him and their marriage. He’d gone into a rage, put his hands around her throat and choked her. While she was lying on the floor gasping for air, she heard his car zoom away. That was the last time she saw him.
Grace had scraped herself off the floor, packed her things and booked into a nearby hotel. She figured she’d give him a day to calm down, and then she hoped he’d be civil enough that they could discuss what to do with the apartment they’d been leasing. When she saw he hadn’t been home for two days, she became worried and reported him as a missing person. It was then that she found out he was in the morgue as a John Doe. She was told he’d been drinking at a bar and had then driven off a bridge, intoxicated. Suicide? Grace would never know if it had been a deliberate act or an accident. If she hadn’t threatened to leave, he might still be alive today. Now she’d have to live with the guilt of his death every day of her life. His family thought she was to blame, and none of them talked to her at his funeral.
Matthew glanced over at her. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.”
“I know that look. Apart from your mouth being turned down at the corners, you keep sighing. Tell me what’s wrong.”
“I’m just thinking what a mess I’ve made of my life.”
“We all make mistakes. It’s how we deal with them that’s important.”
Grace nodded. Her brother was right in a general sense, but he’d never be able to understand the horrors and the torment she’d lived through. How would anyone be able to recognize how she felt unless they’d experienced abuse first-hand?
“I’m concerned you’re being baptized so quickly because of the shock of everything that’s just happened. I suppose I shouldn't say things about Jeremy because he's gone now, but from the bits and pieces you’ve told me you’ve been through a few rough years.”
“There were good times. When they were good, they were very, very good.” Jeremy had kept her isolated, and hadn’t allowed her to have her own friends. As she’d had no one in whom she could confide, she’d become an expert at keeping things to herself. She’d told Matthew some things, but not everything - she was too embarrassed, and besides that, she couldn’t shake the nagging feeling that it had all been her fault.
Grace giggled to make light of his words and to hide her pain. “It sounds like you don't want me to be baptized.”
He frowned and glanced over at her again. “Of course, I do. You know that I do. It's just that I want you to join for the right reasons and not because you had a terrible time of it after you left. Why don’t you give yourself some time? There’s no hurry.”
“Please stop, Matthew! I’ve decided to do it, and that's that.”
Matthew leaned back in his seat and kept quiet.
Grace closed her eyes, tried to empty her mind, and enjoyed the sound of the horse and buggy as they made their way down the winding ribbon-like roads toward Bishop Micah's house.
She’d had years to work out what was right for her life. All she wanted was to be baptized and do the right thing in Gott's sight. She’d had too many years without Him in her life. It annoyed her that Jeremy had never allowed her to see her familye, and she’d allowed him to control her.
Grace opened her eyes. “I'm sorry I didn't go to your wedding. I wanted to.”
Matthew chuckled. “That was some time ago. You don't have to be sorry for anything. I would hope that you will try and get on better with Marlene since we're all living in the same haus.”
Matthew and Marlene had been living with Grace and Matthew’s parents since they’d gotten married while they saved for a home of their own.
“I’ll try to get along with her.”
Matthew looked over at her and studied her face. “You know, Marlene's quite willing to get along with you, and she has no idea why you don't like her.”
She couldn't tell Matthew what she thought of Marlene, and neither could she tell him what Marlene had done to her a few years back. He’d always looked at the trouble-making Marlene through rose-colored glasses. She and Marlene had been the best of friends until Marlene had ruined things for her with Adam, the boy Grace had been in love with.
Grace had been dating Adam for six months, but Marlene noticed Jeremy was always hanging around the coffee shop where both she and Grace worked. Although she’d given him no encouragement or reason to continue his interest in her, Jeremy had asked Grace out several times. Marlene had opened her big mouth to Adam and made it sound like Grace was meeting Jeremy in secret. Adam had chosen to believe Marlene and Adam ended their relationship. When she’d learned what Marlene had said, Grace had been distraught. Jeremy had been there at the right time to provide a shoulder to cry on, and their relationship had developed quickly from there.
At the time, Grace had been certain that Marlene had wanted Adam for herself, but Marlene had switched her focus to Matthew. Had Marlene married Matthew just to annoy her? It certainly seemed so to Grace.
Now her refuge and the only place Grace felt safe, also housed Marlene, the girl who’d set her life off-course. “How long do you think you and Marlene will be staying at Mamm and Dat’s haus?”
Matthew tipped his hat back and scratched his head in an agitated manner. “At the slow rate we’re saving money, I'd say it’ll be another two years before we can scrape together a decent deposit.”
Grace knew that Matthew was annoyed that Marlene refused to get a job to help them save for a home of their own. Even a part-time job would’ve helped.
Everything about Marlene annoyed Grace since they’d fallen out - her pale round face, the smattering of freckles on her cheeks, and her strawberry-blonde hair that always found its way out of the sides of her prayer kapp. If Grace was going to commit her life to God, she knew she’d have to tolerate Marlene as one of God's children and see past her annoyance with her.
“I'm afraid you're stuck with me and Marlene for a while, Grace.”
Grace gave a laugh. “It takes Mamm and Dat’s attention away from me. I know Dat wants to say ‘I told you so’ about me marrying Jeremy. Mamm’s probably thinking the same thing.”
Jeremy had been a liar and a cheat. She’d found out much later that even on their honeymoon he’d been receiving texts from other women. He’d admitted to being unfaithful and had promised to change, but he never had. Grace had never shared the fact that he’d been unfaithful; she was too embarrassed.
“Not long to go now,” Matthew said.
She wondered what the bishop was going to ask her, or whether he'd ask her anything at all. Perhaps she was supposed to give him reasons why she wanted to return.
Grace was grateful that Matthew had been quiet most of their drive, giving her time to collect her thoughts. She’d made the decision when she married Jeremy that she would remain away from the Amish. To return four years later seemed as though she was going backward in her life rather than forward.
When the bishop’s house came into view, she took a deep breath. She knew she was doing the right thing to get her life into order - taking a step back was the only way she knew to move forward.